Husband doesn't think the family needs me

[KinseyWinsey]

So the dcs didn't want to go to their activity today. They wanted to game all afternoon instead.

I insisted they go. They were really moody and stroppy.

I said to h that they didn't bring me any joy at the moment and that I found them really difficult and that they're on their gadgets too much. Changes them.

He said I should fuck off then. That he could do everything and what did I bring to the table anyway?

That I am a miseryguts all the time. The kids don't feel loved by me and that I should fuck off if my family didn't bring me joy.

He said he could do everything I do. Basically letting me know I am not needed or wanted.

My dcs are hostile when I try to reduce their gadget use and there is a lot negative energy with getting them out of the house to school etc.

He said they don't feel loved by me. I am not needed. He could do everything.

I said then maybe I should leave if that were true.

I am a SAHM right now. Maybe he's right. I stunned and very upset. They are better off without me.

And what does this prince amongst men currently bring to the family table?

He is the breadwinner.

He shows them lots of love.

He said that I didn't even show our recently dead dog any love.

How old are your children? Your H doesn't sound very supportive, does he also game?

Is he right, or being spiteful?

Wow. That's really harsh.

It's hard when you're the "bad" cop all the time, it sounds like you're trying to give them a balance of things to do and he's not backing you at all.

Is he always like this?

How old are your dcs?

It sounds very dysfunctional.

You were complaining about your children. He retaliated angrily and told you in his view why they were hostile towards you.

How do you interact with them out with getting them to do shit. Do you have any fun, are you caring, loving etc? Do they feel loved by you? When you try to reduce gadget time, how do you do it?

He feels your unhappy and miserable much of the time. Are you?

How does he interact with the kids. Do they feel loved by him?

How about your relationship together? Do you still enjoy each other’s company?

On the activity front for the kids, why are they going? Is it something that’s supposed to be fun? If so, is it not fun any more, or do they just fancy a lazy day, we all have those.

Not enough info here to judge.

15,13,11 and 8.
He games a bit on his phone.

It's me that gets them out the door every day which can be stressful.

I hug my children. I tell them I love them every day.

I also get exasperated with them because if I didn't tell them to get off their gadgets to do homework or anything else, they wouldn't.

Even if they didn't feel loved, I should just leave?

Well that’s normal

So you feel you are loving, the kids feel loved by you and he’s wrong.

So was he just being nasty? Why does he think you’re always miserable and don’t show any love and the kids don’t feel loved?

Its lockdoan why would they go to an activity

I honestly would take him up on that. Do you have anyone you could stay with for a few days? (But don't tell him when - if you're coming back so he doesn't think all he has to do is get through a weekend)
Let mr perfect take care of everything?

The children are old enough to manage and it is not letting them down in any way!

Maybe they don't feel loved by me.

They do say I'm grumpy. I'm grumpy because I find it really hard to deal with four dcs gaming all the time.

He sounds disproportionately critical and verbally abusive to boot. Certainly not the role model he clearly is trying to make himself out to be to your children. It’s clear from your posts that gadgets and electronics are creating a real wedge in the family dynamic here- from your side of things anyway.

In your heart of hearts, op, is there any truth to what he is saying? You describe being a loving parent showing concern for your DCs. Is your husband’s criticism of you on this issue part of a wider pattern?

It is not lockdown where we live. Don't assume everyone lives in the UK.

If I left even for a few days, he would use that against me and tell the dcs that their mum doesn't find any joy in them and has left them.

I'm reeling. He was shouting at me.

@KinseyWinsey

Maybe they don't feel loved by me.

They do say I'm grumpy. I'm grumpy because I find it really hard to deal with four dcs gaming all the time.

So do you know if they feel loved or not? Your answers seem confused. Do you think he’s right or wrong?

It reads like you suspect fundamentally he’s right but you don’t want to take personal responsibility and wish to blame your kids for it.

Are you basically unhappy?

@KinseyWinsey

If I left even for a few days, he would use that against me and tell the dcs that their mum doesn't find any joy in them and has left them.

Ok, is your marriage rhe issue? You think he wants to pit the kids against you?

Sounds like youre dc find you difficult and are unhappy. Maybe suggest a family meeting and work through what the issues are.

Weird that a month ago, he was saying the same thing. That he finds them really difficult and it's not a happy family time.

I was The Rule Giver.. Dc are nc with exh now.
They are with me ft. Even the one who has left home(army) is always back!! Being their mate as he sounds to be isn't being a good parent op...
I would consider your future op.
My ex was very similar to your dh.

Are you depressed?

So even if I were unhappy, I should "just fuck off"?

Wonder if a bloke should do that.

Does he actually do any of the bad cop parenting or just all the fun stuff?
Kids naturally push back against the parent that tells them to do the boring day to day stuff.
If you didn't think he would somehow turn it around on you, I would make him do all the boring parenting for a week and you do the fun bits.
Long term you need some strategies to get a balance with the kids, of them doing what they need to, to then bring able to have time to do what they want to