Husband doesn't think the family needs me

[KinseyWinsey]

So the dcs didn't want to go to their activity today. They wanted to game all afternoon instead.

I insisted they go. They were really moody and stroppy.

I said to h that they didn't bring me any joy at the moment and that I found them really difficult and that they're on their gadgets too much. Changes them.

He said I should fuck off then. That he could do everything and what did I bring to the table anyway?

That I am a miseryguts all the time. The kids don't feel loved by me and that I should fuck off if my family didn't bring me joy.

He said he could do everything I do. Basically letting me know I am not needed or wanted.

My dcs are hostile when I try to reduce their gadget use and there is a lot negative energy with getting them out of the house to school etc.

He said they don't feel loved by me. I am not needed. He could do everything.

I said then maybe I should leave if that were true.

I am a SAHM right now. Maybe he's right. I stunned and very upset. They are better off without me.

[Pessismistic]

Your not alone dc can be selfish especially when gadgets are involved they don't care about anything else. I would speak to dc together about the love situation and once you hear they do feel loved tell them your taking a break to recharge your batteries and they can games much as they want go on school days tell ur dh to take time off and let him deal with everything. go find yourself then see how your dh copes with it all. Good luck he sounds a horrible man by the way and very disrespectful all parents get fed up at some point and you have your hands full.

[slipperywhensparticus]

[quote KinseyWinsey]@Scbchl I don't know.

Maybe other people actually never do get annoyed about their dcs. Never find them difficult. Always find them a pleasure and a joy all the time.

Perhaps it is just me. [/quote]
No its not just you I wouod be lying if I said I was feeling particularly joyful about my children right now my one is gaming in his bedroom interacting with his friend which is great for his mental health but not good for our ear drums when he forgets and yells the other has been sick is stuck in my room at age 7 can't sleep so he is watching adverts on YouTube.....back to back adverts with occasional advert breaks

Its making my brain bleed but if I turn it off he will sit up fidget talk play this is soothing to him

This is not my happy place

[Fudgsicles]

@KinseyWinsey

I think I am very unhappy in my marriage.

This ia the crux of it.

I was very unhappy in my marriage. Guess what, it made a grumpy, snappy mother who took my unhappiness out on my children. I could only see this after we split and I changed a lot! My parenting style changed too. Less shouting and snappiness from me.

Gaming, yes this can be the bane of my life. Phones and tablets, I have Google Family Link set up with time limits. It makes devices inaccessible from 9.15pm until 7.45am. I can also lock the devices at any point from my own phone, which I do if I've asked for something to be done repeatedly and the phone/tablet is still being stared at whilst I get a vague 'yes I'll do it.' Xbox, DS's account is linked to my Microsoft account and I have time limits set, which I change when I feel gaming is affecting his behaviour (and it does). Apps that are for a certain age range are blocked completely.

Around that I have to accept that gaming/devices are the way of the world these days because it causes me less stress. Even all school homework is set through bloody apps and websites now which irritates me.

Firm boundaries with gaming is the way forward OP, and stick to them. My DS doesn't like them but I don't get constant fight and battles over it because he knows the rules and it automatically switches off when the time limit is up.

If you are unhappy in your marriage, fix it with counselling or makes plans to leave. Believe me this unhappiness with seap into every area of your life, I've been there.

[billy1966]

OP,

I think the fact you are wary of your husband who can turn on a pin is the crux.

No surprise you are unhappy.
He sounds truly nasty and vicious.

You definitely need to organise yourself.
You are doing a good job.

Definitely detach from him.
Don't be going to him for support, he is highly abusive.

Keep a note of his behaviour.
Start squirrelling money away.

Protect yourself and make a plan.
He really sounds awful.

Get as much support IRL that you can.

[ohtheholidays]

KinseyWinsey honestly the things you are describing like your husband turning on a sixpence sound so much like what my ex husband used to do to me.

I didn't even know there was a term for it until I joined mumsnet and read the threads about being Gaslighted and coercive control.

You may find that if you did end the marriage that your DC might feel more settled because even if they don't hear your husband shouting at you they are going to pick up on the atmosphere that your husband is choosing to create.

[ladybird69]

I haven’t read the whole thread at the moment. But my ex was just the same I got to do all the crappy part of parenting , homework, bed times, screen time, etc. He had all the fun times ie Alton towers, new clothes and gadgets etc. He then threatened me if I were to divorce him over unreasonable behaviour the kids would go with him, which they did. Just for him to fuck off with his new girlfriend and leave my kids to bring themselves up in a rented house miles away from me! My heart bleeds for them.

[AmICrazyorWhat2]

It sounds like your relationship with your children is pretty normal. It's not that they don't need you, they are just being typical annoying kids. It's possibly more likely that your relationship with DH has run its course?

This^^. You’re right in the thick of it parenting-wise and I can totally relate to the screen time issues ( mine are 15 &12). Add teenage moodiness into the mix and it’s definitely not the most “joyful” period of parenting- although there’s great conversation as well.

As for activities, I practically had to drag DS(12) to football today, but as usual he had a great time once there ( we’re not in lockdown either, obviously). This isn’t unusual- most of his teammates are the same, it’s a running joke among the parents.😂

DH and I don’t always agree on how to handle screen time, but we don’t speak to each other the way your DH did, that’s completely out of order.
I’d tell him straight that you won’t be spoken to like that and if he doesn’t like your parenting style, he needs to sit down and calmly explain his concerns. Perhaps he has some suggestions re. screen time? My DH put time limits on our kids’ devices and has a monitoring app on his phone- if they’re not doing their homework or chores, he can turn off the WIFI or give them extra time at the weekend. It’s highly effective!

Ultimately, if your DH can’t treat you with respect, he’s not worth your time and he needs to know that. 💐

[justilou1]

Time to delegate:- take on dog walking, picking up shit, buying dog food, taking dogs to vet, scheduling all dog appts (worming, bathing, etc...)
He can now do all kids medical, dental, school stuff and take responsibility for gaming :- if grades go up, he can prove himself right. If they go down, he can explain himself to the education dept and teachers.
You are going to focus on your education so you can take him at his word and “Fuck off” and leave him in charge.
In the meantime, you will be a considerate flat mate and do your own cooking, cleaning and laundry, and I’m sure he will find the couch very comfortable.
Arsehole.

[Anordinarymum]

Children should always contribute in the house. No pocket money or privileges until the jobs are done.
Respect goes both ways, and they have to learn it.

[ifchocolatewerecelery]

@WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants

I'd be snappy if someone said it's lockdown here in the U.K. and my kids shouldn't be going out. It's not lockdown in the U.K. at all. Wales is not in lockdown.

[RBKB]

Your problem is not kids. Kids are all like this with gadgets. It's not gadgets. They can be put away. Your problem is that your OH does not respect you, and back you up, and support you so the kids are ruling the roost because, well, kids do that when they sense parents are not united. Four kids is insanely hard, controlling gadget use is insanely hard. Actually HE does not love the kids enough to do the hard parenting bits. And he lets you be 'bad cop' all the time. The kids need you, OP, not sure that you need OH.

[RBKB]

And the above suggestions, like sharing chores, will just lead to more stress for poor OP if her OH does not back her....

[Chicchicchicchiclana]

It sounds miserable for you. I would hate to be trapped in a house with 5 people who do nothing but gaming or with a gadget in their hand. I would absolutely go away and leave them for a month or two. Tell them you want a break from it all.

[RBKB]

No......then he will say 'see, mum does not love you, we are all happy'. Your oldest will be late for school EVERY bloody day!! Send OH away!!!

[Lobsterquadrille2]

@ladybird69 I remember your threads from years ago when you were divorcing. Do you see your children now?

[Callcat]

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants I live in the UK. I've had kids activities all weekend. England isn't the fucking sun that everyone revolves around.

[KodakNancyEurope]

@Callcat

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants I live in the UK. I've had kids activities all weekend. England isn't the fucking sun that everyone revolves around.

I shouldn’t laugh at this but I am

[whataday12]

@AllsortsofAwkward

Its lockdoan why would they go to an activity

Here we go 😂 it's not lock down where we live . Sick of this lockdown malarkey on here now

[MrsSwears2Much]

@WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants I'm in the UK but my town is Tier 2. My sons are both still attending activities... the whole of the UK is not in lockdown.

[madcatladyforever]

What your "D" H needs to understand is that loving your children does NOT mean giving in to their every want and desire.
Being a loving parent means making tough decisions, limited time on screens, not letting them turn into couch cabbages and preparing them for life oustside and that often means being unpopular.
He is actually abusing your children by giving into them and he is also being abusive to you.
He needs to go on a parenting course and give his head a wobble. He is NOT a good or loving parent.

[Laserbird16]

It sounds like you have two issues here.

The DC and gaming, can you have a family meeting and diarise acceptable gaming time? Or give a list of 'things to be done' before gaming is ok? I'll put my hands up here and say I have no experience of enforcing this but friends with older children do these methods.

Then your husband. What the actual fuck? I would be looking for the exit after that hurtful tirade and it's not the only one is it? If my DH unloaded all that onto me and Infront of company I'd be gone. Perhaps not as easy for you but I'd be making arrangements to be less dependent on him.

Get counseling too because that's not normal

[WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants]

[quote ifchocolatewerecelery]@WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants

I'd be snappy if someone said it's lockdown here in the U.K. and my kids shouldn't be going out. It's not lockdown in the U.K. at all. Wales is not in lockdown. [/quote]
Yes, sorry, I was replying to the OP snapping that she's not in the uk!

If people don't say where they are, people are going to assume she is in the UK! Unfortunately we now also need to stipulate which part (for Covid) as it's no longer a UK wide approach.

Apologies.

[WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants]

@Callcat

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants I live in the UK. I've had kids activities all weekend. England isn't the fucking sun that everyone revolves around.

Ok calm down

[WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants]

[quote MrsSwears2Much]@WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants I'm in the UK but my town is Tier 2. My sons are both still attending activities... the whole of the UK is not in lockdown.[/quote]
Yes. I'll repeat my previous apology


Yes, sorry, I was replying to the OP snapping that she's not in the uk!

If people don't say where they are, people are going to assume she is in the UK! Unfortunately we now also need to stipulate which part (for Covid) as it's no longer a UK wide approach.

Apologies.