Husband doesn't think the family needs me

[KinseyWinsey]

So the dcs didn't want to go to their activity today. They wanted to game all afternoon instead.

I insisted they go. They were really moody and stroppy.

I said to h that they didn't bring me any joy at the moment and that I found them really difficult and that they're on their gadgets too much. Changes them.

He said I should fuck off then. That he could do everything and what did I bring to the table anyway?

That I am a miseryguts all the time. The kids don't feel loved by me and that I should fuck off if my family didn't bring me joy.

He said he could do everything I do. Basically letting me know I am not needed or wanted.

My dcs are hostile when I try to reduce their gadget use and there is a lot negative energy with getting them out of the house to school etc.

He said they don't feel loved by me. I am not needed. He could do everything.

I said then maybe I should leave if that were true.

I am a SAHM right now. Maybe he's right. I stunned and very upset. They are better off without me.

[mbosnz]

You're the one doing the hard yards of actual parenting, trying to impose limits and boundaries for their own good, rather than just rolling over and letting them do what they want, because it's easy and allows you to do what you want.

Unlike DH.

He sounds like he could benefit from someone going tough love on his arse.

Sometimes I get fed up, because yet again, I have to be the bad guy, I have to see what needs doing and do it, and DH is sitting there going 'whaaaa?!' And he's not an arsehole about it, when I explain it to him, he gets it and backs me up.

Life isn't all beer and skittles with kids, and both parents should be sharing the pain of actual parenting. And supporting each other in doing it.

[Bluepolkadots42]

What an awful thing for him to say. I don't blame you for being upset- I would be devastated.
I haven't really got any advice- sorry but and your DH is a real prick for saying what he said, in the way he said it.

[MessAllOver]

Take him at his word. Take some time for yourself and go away for the week. See how you both feel.

[frazzledasarock]

Apart from being the one wounded is currently the main breadwinner. What does your H bring to your life?

Does he often fly off the handle for no reason. Are you able to have conversations with him where you just have a rant and he lends a sympathetic ear.

He doesn’t help around the house or discipline the dc but he’s fun around the dc.
Bet he’d be utterly shit at actual parenting. Does he get the dc to do their homework or get them out the door in time for school, does he do any cooking or cleaning or household admin?

It’s really easy to be the fun parent who does no actual parenting.

Ex used to treat me like shit and my dc would copy him even tho they were really young.

I’d get back into employment ASAP. Then decide from a position of if financial security what you want.

[Lifeisforalimitedperiodonly]

Four DCs and five dogs. You sound exhausted.

[EKGEMS]

"That only works when you are financially self sufficient" What the hell? You cannot do what you want if you're not in a paid position at the moment?" Who made up that rule?

[Mumoftwo1990]

@KinseyWinsey

So the dcs didn't want to go to their activity today. They wanted to game all afternoon instead.

I insisted they go. They were really moody and stroppy.

I said to h that they didn't bring me any joy at the moment and that I found them really difficult and that they're on their gadgets too much. Changes them.

He said I should fuck off then. That he could do everything and what did I bring to the table anyway?

That I am a miseryguts all the time. The kids don't feel loved by me and that I should fuck off if my family didn't bring me joy.

He said he could do everything I do. Basically letting me know I am not needed or wanted.

My dcs are hostile when I try to reduce their gadget use and there is a lot negative energy with getting them out of the house to school etc.

He said they don't feel loved by me. I am not needed. He could do everything.

I said then maybe I should leave if that were true.

I am a SAHM right now. Maybe he's right. I stunned and very upset. They are better off without me.

Perhaps you're slightly depressed but your husband is bang out of order, kids are stressful and can bloody get you down.

My partner started to get judgey the other day and I just broke down and said you don't know what it's like he said 'I understand' but I told him bloody clearly that he doesn't. He also mentioned on if I wanted to leave, he wouldn't want me to but asked if this is the life I wanted etc.

They do need you, never doubt that but your husband needs to swivel if he thinks he could do what you do.

[mcmooberry]

I totally get how the endless gaming is making you feel, we have it here but fortunately my DH is on board about limiting it. Their bad attitude and unpleasantness when asked to come off it is enough to make you want to ban it completely.
Could you plan to have a week away somewhere in the near future, visit friends or family? Be pleasant and cheerful up until the time you go and just leave them to it.
Your husband sounds horrible saying things like that, I hope by now he has apologised.

[Skysblue]

Sorry OP that sounds so horrible for you.

Seems tomethst there are two categories of problem:

(1) the kids are addicted to gaming and testing boundaries / being disrespectful etc; and

(2) the relationship with your husband has deteriorated to the point where he thinks (and expects you to think) that it is your fault when he shouts and swears at you. I don’t know how to fix that, I guess relationship counselling could be worth a try. I absolutely wouldn’t “leave”, no matter how they hide it your children would be devastated and there would be financial implications for you etc.

Only you know if the marriage is salveagable.

Good luck xxxx

[EKGEMS]

@rwalker You would do exactly what her husband did if your spouse said that? Publicly scream in her face and say cruel things like "You didn't love the dog" "Our children don't feel loved by you" "You're making us all miserable?"

[OhCaptain]

@EKGEMS

"That only works when you are financially self sufficient" What the hell? You cannot do what you want if you're not in a paid position at the moment?" Who made up that rule?

I think it’s fair enough to urge caution. OP is a student right now. And a SAHM.

Presumably DH is funding her studies.

It would be madness not to look at her finances before making any life-changing decisions.

[EKGEMS]

He sounds so cruel and vicious OP and there's some posters who are piling on you like it's a rugby match! I just wouldn't tolerate emotional and verbal abuse like that in my spousal relationship

[EKGEMS]

@OhCaptain I meant take the day off let hubby run the family time schedule not quitting her training

[namechange20202020]

You sound exhausted op, maybe a few days away might be good for you to get a rest and recuperate?

Your h sounds like he's gaslighting you and super manipulative.

Also my kids don't bring me joy either, I don't know why people are jumping on this like it's a bad thing. Parenting is hard hard work. And at times joyless.

[Goldensnitchy]

He sounds like a shit.... like hell he would be able to cope if you left....

[goldenharvest]

So he enjoys being the Disney dad even though you are still a couple. Get a job and bugger off for a few months to a nice quiet little flat, and see how soon your ungrateful kids beg you to come back. Currently he's enjoying all the nice things with them because he lets them have their own way. What's not to like from their POV. Once he has to cook and clean after them, he may have a greater appreciation of all you do.

[isadorapolly]

You’re husband sounds like a massive bellend

Do you think you would be happier if you separated? He could have the kids X amount of days a week and be the worlds best dad and then you could have them on your own on your days.

You would be surprised how much easier it is to parent on your own sometimes, especially when your husband is an unhelpful nasty prick (been there got the t shirt! We now we share custody and are good friends! It can all work out well at the end.)

[isadorapolly]

And honestly limit the screen time if it’s affecting them, you make the rules not them. Mine go on their games after they’ve done home work and any chores, then they come off an hour before bed . Any moaning about it and I take them away.

[Tistheseason17]

Start planning now for when the DC are independent because you can bet your ass your DH will be out of there.
Her your training sorted, squirrel money away etc.
He is the problem. Kids are just being kids who like gaming.

[MiddlesexGirl]

The only possibly understandable reason for your 'd'h's dickish response is if he deep down also feels bad about the gaming time and is reacting defensively due to his lack of stepping up and sharing some of the parenting burden.
If this turns out to be the case then there is some small hope though getting teens etc off devices is not easy (I recommend a time slot each day when none of them are allowed on).
If he won't back you up at all I can't see how there can be any improvement in the situation so would be thinking seriously about separation and shared care. Is this doable or would it mess up your retraining plans?

[FedUpAtHomeTroels]

What a bloody charmer he is!
You do the actual meaty parts of parenting hat includes getting the kids to all the things they need to learn be be functioning adults and he thinks he's bloody marvelous for trying to be disney Dad who lets them do whatever. That does not eqate love, he's negligent.
Get yourself back into work and let him see how easy it isn't to do all the shit jobs that stay at home parents get left with.

[PicsInRed]

He sounds like the sort of man who cheats and then torments his wife so that SHE will leave - then he can play the victim, claim the family home and pay no child maintenance. He'll "meet" someone within months.

Don't be that ex-wife. See a solicitor. Don't move out. Stay with your children.

[Eviebeans]

Could DH be feeling resentful that you are able to be a SAHM and retrain while he works and supports the family financially?
Perhaps he's feeling a bit envious of that...

[Onjnmoeiejducwoapy]

TBH it sounds to me like you both said things you’ll regret and are both pretty unfulfilled by the situation as it currently is. I wouldn’t be ok with the things you said, and I definitely wouldn’t be ok with what he said. A lot of your responses on here have moved between agressive and passive agressive—it might be worth reflecting on whether your communication style is one of the issues here. For what it’s worth, it sounds like your DH has the exact same issue. It sounds like you both take your agression and frustration out on each other.

Is there any way you could see a family therapist? Your husbands’ words—that you’re making the family miserable—are unfair, but it sounds like you both are contributing to an unhappy home environment

[RoseTintedAtuin]

It’s hard to take a step back but I think that would benefit you here. Your DH has gone for your soft spot, for the hurt and it has landed and worked. The fact that this comment is in relation to your dc not feeling loved shows just how important that is to you and your dc have said that they do feel loved. Your problem isn’t the dc. gaming or whatever is always an uphill battle, it’s about boundaries and making sure they make time for things that are important to life like education, going to bed for rest etc. That’s your job as parents and it’s thankless at times. You do however have a marriage problem that needs to be nipped in the bud now. He can’t speak to you like that. He needs to know the boundaries too. How you go about that is down to you. Will a conversation do it? Sounds unlikely. Maybe counselling? Maybe this is a shot in the arm to prepare for worse times with him if he won’t change how he treats you?