Husband doesn't think the family needs me

[KinseyWinsey]

So the dcs didn't want to go to their activity today. They wanted to game all afternoon instead.

I insisted they go. They were really moody and stroppy.

I said to h that they didn't bring me any joy at the moment and that I found them really difficult and that they're on their gadgets too much. Changes them.

He said I should fuck off then. That he could do everything and what did I bring to the table anyway?

That I am a miseryguts all the time. The kids don't feel loved by me and that I should fuck off if my family didn't bring me joy.

He said he could do everything I do. Basically letting me know I am not needed or wanted.

My dcs are hostile when I try to reduce their gadget use and there is a lot negative energy with getting them out of the house to school etc.

He said they don't feel loved by me. I am not needed. He could do everything.

I said then maybe I should leave if that were true.

I am a SAHM right now. Maybe he's right. I stunned and very upset. They are better off without me.

@KinseyWinsey

I think I am very unhappy in my marriage.

Does your DH do any actual parenting? Does he discipline them? Spend time with them? Do homework with them? Do any of their cooking,cleaning,washing etc?

Or does he leave it all to you and expect you to be all sunshine and rainbows ? Is he happy if they're on their devices because they're out of him way and doesn't have to engage or do anything for them/with them?

Do the children witness him treating you like shit, talking to you badly,leaving everything to you etc? That's where their attitude might come from.

@OhCaptain that’s fine and dandy about setting boundaries etc in your la la land unless (like me) you have the other adult undermining those boundaries in front of your face and in front of your kids. Good for you that you have a partner who supports you limiting screen time and allows you to be in control of that. Not everyone has that and when you’ve tried and tried and been banging your head on a brick wall for years then yes it is depressing and you do everything on your own. Until you’ve been there then you can’t preach really can you. So imagine you were trying to enforce your 3 kids screen time boundary and your partner screamed in your face for you to “fuck off” in front of the kids...what would your position on it all be then?

@Disfordarkchocolate

So he's 'fun dad' and you get to be the adult of the house. I'd tell him to F* Off and grow up but I'm fairly direct these days.

Seems he’s just as direct.

I think you should tell your husband that he is right (I don't think he is for what it's worth) and that you are going to take a step back and let him take over the responsibility for the children for now. Give him a list of what needs doing, meals, washing, ironing, taking them to places, ensuring they are in the right place at the right time with everything they need, ensuring they are clean and in bed at a sensible time for getting up for school. Then step back and let him do it. I suspect he will see your point in a few weeks.

Op it sounds like you are having a really hard time. Your family don't respect you and they seem to completely seem to disregard your feelings. Your husband shouldn't speak to you like that it's not right. Be kind to yourself. Try and get some time to yourself to think about what you want and what you can do to make things better and what changes need to be made so you all have a better more respectful and loving family life.Then think about what everyone else needs to do to make things better. It can take time to work it out but you will. Talk to your friends and your family get support for you and how you feel too.

I think " You wouldn't last 24hrs with the kids" would of been my retort. Combined with going on hol for a few days - see how far he gets.
It was a long way down the thread before you finally drip fed that not happy in your marriage, that is the crux, he doesn't appreciate you at all. You gave up work because he didn't do anything for his kids or house. No wonder your bitter towards him. Give up the DH, should of been the response, not the work.
Good that you are taking steps to retrain. Scale back all you are doing within the home, get out more - maybe he will realise just how important you are.

OP, sorry to hear you're having such a rough time both at home and from some of the incredibly "holier than thou" types here (the ones who love you believe that their families are perfect 24/7 and they're filled with love for their perfect offspring all the time...) It seems to be a thing here that your kids could be knifing you and you're still expected to be full of love

I wish I knew what the answer was; maybe just leave them all to their own devices and down tools for a while. And see if you can find a professional to unload to who might have some coping strategies that could help.

Your husband sounds unsupportive. It's usually the women who have to be the no fun parent, trying or make sure things are done the right way and everyone isn't left to sit in a pile of mess, eating donuts and gaming all day. You are needed there. Ignore the unsupportive arse. I hope you can get some support and time out with friends.

Don't let him undermine your relationship with your DC's. What he said was ment to hurt you, because he's mad at you, he succeeded. He probably sees the mood that you are in with him and is reacting to that, who wouldn't be fed up with him. He's not a team player.

It's possible that the gaming, due to how absorbing it is, has become an escape for them, as it makes it possible to shut out the awful atmosphere that it sounds like they have to live in.

@ohtheholidays funny you should mention that. When H was talking about how difficult he found the dcs and getting them to do anything was demoralising and draining and how miserable he was about it all (he used worse language), I didn't jump on him and tell him to fuck off.

I reminded him it was a bad day (again a month or so ago) and that they would be fine when they got home.

They were and they are are fine today.

I had a small chat with my dd (13) and my ds 11) about if they feel unloved and they both denied that was the case. They said that they hate it when I confiscate their tablets for the night (bedtime) or if they're going out and that I seem grumpy then but that they felt loved.

H was really nasty today, I thought. I'm glad the dcs were at their activity.

I'm wary of h. He can turn on a sixpence and be extremely loving one minute and vicious then next.

Ask your children why they think you're grumpy. Don't say anything else, just ask them to think about it.

Your husband doesn't sound at all nice. I'm not saying leave him now but if I were you I would think long term and I'd be making plans.

You had an argument, he lashed out because you basically said you're not happy with your lot in terms of family. I'd probably have done the same tbh. Gaming is a huge issue in most houses. We have the same here but I find if I'm more amenable and say ' do you want to go kn the xbox for a while?' Or even sit and watch them, it makes life 10 times easier than always stopping it. Talk to the kids, talk to your dh, then go and have a board games night or movie night. And in answer to your question no, kids aren't meant to bring you joy all the time, wouldn't life be boring if they did?! Hope things pick up for you op

Controlling screen time IS live. Your dc know that deep down.
Do not leave your family. They really need you and your rules and discipline by the sound of it. Very rude and abusive of your DH 😳

I'm so sorry you are feeling all these negative things and aren't happy. Your DH doesn't sound that great, but I appreciate that nothing is black and white.

But if you really aren't happy, then do try and change your life. Could you get a therapist or seek advice from a good friend you trust? And make plans for how to change your life once you have retrained?

It sounds like your relationship with your children is pretty normal. It's not that they don't need you, they are just being typical annoying kids. It's possibly more likely that your relationship with DH has run its course?

Sounds like you'd be happier without your husband

Controlling screen time IS LOVE I meant obviously

At best your DH sounds like a twat. At worst like he is emotionally abusive.
Turning on loving vs vicious in a couple of seconds doesn’t mean mean sound good at all.

OP, many dad's are like your DH. Mums do everything at home, make sure the children do their homeworks, brush their teeth, have fresh air etc (basically no fun and stressed out) but then dad is all fun because he doesn't need to do anything else and will blame you if they don't do their homework etc.

@AllsortsofAwkward

Its lockdoan why would they go to an activity

It’s only lockdown in England! (Within the UK anyway)

You sound pretty ground down by your DH.

I suspected the kids not feeling loved was his words to put you down.

Your DC are plenty old enough to be doing more things for themselves to start getting them ready for adulthood.

Just start slowly and teach them one thing. Then give them complete responsibility of that one thing.
You'll start to have a bit more time and they can take pride in their grown up task.

I really don't know what to think about your DH. It seems like he is deliberately trying to make you feel bad.

I have 3 DC of similar ages and it drives me mad some days when all they want to do is game. They will always fight against you when you try and get them off and they can’t see that they might actually enjoy doing something else but your H should be supporting you not have a go cause you’ve lost it cause you’ve had a bad day. You should all agree a time limit and he should support you when it’s time to get off. I think there have been some unkind words on here towards you and it seemed a big overreaction by H to tell you to leave, although if he thinks he can do that could a job then I’d be tempted to leave for a while and see how he gets on. I know some people have said well he works full time and you are a SAHM so you should do everything but I think it can be really hard when you’re the one doing all the boring stuff for them and the discipline and he gets to do the fun stuff and look like the fun parent. Just because he works full time doesn’t mean he can’t be a parent as well 💐

Being a parent is piss easy when you’re not actually doing any parenting and get to the fun bits without the drudgery.

Your H is an abusive arsehole, that little performance was simply an exercise in making yourself feel shit about your. Don’t give the twat the satisfaction of entertaining his idiocy for a second.

It probably is no consolation but putting rockets up the arses of oppositional teens is unfortunately is a rites of passage (you don’t get the parenting diploma if you don’t).

[quote Muchadoaboutlife]@OhCaptain that’s fine and dandy about setting boundaries etc in your la la land unless (like me) you have the other adult undermining those boundaries in front of your face and in front of your kids. Good for you that you have a partner who supports you limiting screen time and allows you to be in control of that. Not everyone has that and when you’ve tried and tried and been banging your head on a brick wall for years then yes it is depressing and you do everything on your own. Until you’ve been there then you can’t preach really can you. So imagine you were trying to enforce your 3 kids screen time boundary and your partner screamed in your face for you to “fuck off” in front of the kids...what would your position on it all be then?[/quote]
Who screamed in whose face in front of the kids? Because OP's DH certainly didn't.

You are right to put your foot down op.
Too much screen time is damaging.
I don't know what the answer is regarding your dh but I can tell you when ds (older now) was spending too much time gaming, I took his PlayStation and put it in my car boot ensuring he didn't go on it. He didn't like it but that was the punishment. After a few times he learnt to either be reason able or lose it.