Husband doesn't think the family needs me

[KinseyWinsey]

So the dcs didn't want to go to their activity today. They wanted to game all afternoon instead.

I insisted they go. They were really moody and stroppy.

I said to h that they didn't bring me any joy at the moment and that I found them really difficult and that they're on their gadgets too much. Changes them.

He said I should fuck off then. That he could do everything and what did I bring to the table anyway?

That I am a miseryguts all the time. The kids don't feel loved by me and that I should fuck off if my family didn't bring me joy.

He said he could do everything I do. Basically letting me know I am not needed or wanted.

My dcs are hostile when I try to reduce their gadget use and there is a lot negative energy with getting them out of the house to school etc.

He said they don't feel loved by me. I am not needed. He could do everything.

I said then maybe I should leave if that were true.

I am a SAHM right now. Maybe he's right. I stunned and very upset. They are better off without me.

[slipperywhensparticus]

Tell the school to ring dad if the eldest is late for school if they ring you say no ring dad tell him your giving him two warnings then he takes the schools consequences

Let them game give them two reminders they are due at an activity whoever gets ready goes whoever doesn't stays with dad let the breadwinner waste his money

if they refuse to clear up after themselves leave it if he moans remind him he said he could do better

If he shouts at you again walk out the room dont just take it

[JillofTrades]

He was way out of order for saying that. He sounds horrible. Where were your DC when he was shouting all of this and what was their reaction?
Actually I would leave them to be late, every single one of them. They all need to suffer the consequences.
They all sound like absolute brats as well. They know they can behave this way because their father allows it. So leave them to it, do the basics for the family but if it is anything to the point of becoming a battle for you just leave it. Let these miserable people deal with it.

[Bluntness100]

Ok, is your husband the issue?

If you’re incredibly happy and only get grumpy when you need to get the kids out the door, and the rest of the time it’s great, do you know why your husband said what he said?

I think you need to talk to him. Because from what you’re saying it was deeply unfair of him and wholly inaccurate.

I think your upset is coming across because it reads very snappy and angry, but that’s not your normal way.

[OhCaptain]

@JillofTrades

He was way out of order for saying that. He sounds horrible. Where were your DC when he was shouting all of this and what was their reaction?
Actually I would leave them to be late, every single one of them. They all need to suffer the consequences.
They all sound like absolute brats as well. They know they can behave this way because their father allows it. So leave them to it, do the basics for the family but if it is anything to the point of becoming a battle for you just leave it. Let these miserable people deal with it.

And where were they when you essentially said you were getting no happiness from them?

"These miserable people" are her children, ffs.

[picosandsancerre]

Too much time on gadgets is really unhealthy for DC and they can become very addictive, abusive when you try to set boundaries so it sounds like your doing the right thing. However your DH doesnt have your back, he clearly wants to do the lazy parenting, let them do what they want, be the 'fun' person whilst your frustrated and getting called moody. I would be in a mood too having to deal with that.

[Echobelly]

So he gets to be the 'fun' parent and you're the one with all the responsibility it sounds like?

He's showing contempt towards you because you are the one making all the effort and maybe he knows it shows him up.

[DPotter]

I'm so pleased to hear you're looking forward by re-training - good for you.

I started to type out stuff about getting the family helping run the house but then I thought Sod it - why not take your DH at his word? Leave them all gaming and take yourself off somewhere nice for the afternoon. Let them know you're off, a bright and breeezy 'see you later - sort yourselves out for tea / dinner'. If you can't get out, go read a book / have nap / watch a film/ pluck your eyebrows / anything / all of the above. Same tomorrow - leave them gaming - let them know if they want their school uniforms / clothes ironed, Dad's in charge.

Do what you want to do - not what needs to be done. It's time for you.

Mention you're going to cancel after school / weekend activities as its money wasted if the kids don't want to go and you'll be using the money to pay for a cleaner so you can focus on your re-training and having some fun. Oh and DH is on the school run from Monday.

Don't give me reasons why this wouldn't work, as the current situation clearly isn't working so something has to change so you don't feel like a put-upon-drudge-nag-of-a-Mum. Be brave - you know you've got it in you

[Shitfuckoh]

I'm going against what a couple of people have said here.

I think it's entirely possible that you are doubting yourself, not only as a mother but as a person, due to the negative comments your husband has made.

Can I ask OP, does he make comments like this regular? Does he like to have little digs about things which make you think you are making mistakes but over thinking what he said at the same time?

It can be exhausting getting the children to do something when they don't want to, when you are single handedly doing it everyday. You used your husband as a soundboard & it sounds like he totally lashed out at you. I'm thinking this isn't the first time but you haven't actually typed that out.

[dottiedodah]

He sounds very controlling and unpleasant.Do you think he wants to be the "good cop" all the time and you the "bad guy".I would wonder about him if only a month ago he found it difficult ! Does he resent you for being a SAHM? Maybe go to Mums for a few days for a little break! Lockdown and constant gaming is not a good recipe for family life it seems!

[Oreservoir]

Games and gadgets have a lot to answer for.
Unfortunately if you and your dh are not on the same team with parenting life is more difficult.
I recommend you get your skills up to date, get a decent job and if necessary pay a cleaner.
Your dh and dc are not being respectful or fair. They’re taking advantage of you.
If your dh can manage without you then how come nothing got done in the house last time you worked?
I suggest for the rest of this weekend you get your own meals and sit with your feet up. Don’t do any washing, cooking, don’t get the dc up for school on Monday and tell your dh you assume he’ll be sorting them out. It’s easy for him to say you do nothing when his clothes are clean, his meals cooked.
Your dc do love you and would miss you if you left. But if their df is undermining your parenting then they will take advantage.

[KinseyWinsey]

Incredibly happy? I'm the happiest I've ever been. Not incredibly happy.

I have time to retrain.

I find it difficult to get the dcs to do stuff other than gaming. They become very hostile and uncooperative. I find it really hard to manage.

Today was a bad day for that. They're back from their activity now and really enjoyed it. Thank goodness.

Perhaps they'll be happier for having got out of the house.

H and I were on a walk when he starterd shouting all this effing and blinding and me. Away from dcs and in the countryside.

[corythatwas]

Was his comment a genuine suggestion or was it a snappy response to your (equally snappy) "I said to h that they didn't bring me any joy at the moment"?

[allthegoodusernameshavegone]

I think you probably do too much, too well, take this opportunity to take off for a few days of me time, it will be hard as you will miss the kids , but believe they will miss you, their wonderful dad, will not be able to fill the void.

[Bluntness100]

Do what you want to do - not what needs to be done. It's time for you.

That only works when you’re financially self sufficient.

[unmarkedbythat]

You sound very unhappy, which meant I found you saying you felt otherwise surprising. What is your DH like usually? Are there other stressors, issues, disputes which might give his reaction a bit of context, or is he just a nasty piece of work?

I do not find my DC give me joy 24/7. I also get annoyed and frustrated. There are times I wish I lived another life. Very few of us live fairytale perfect lives.

[KinseyWinsey]

I think I am very unhappy in my marriage.

[Anydreamwilldo12]

I get it OP. You don't, quite rightly so, want your kids to be on their games all of the time. Your husband for whatever reason doesn't mind them doing that. Perhaps he likes it that he has an easy time when they are occupied on their games.
He doesn't seem very nice at all, at least you are trying to get them out in the fresh air and get them to school on time. He is a bad influence and will forever cause friction between you and the kids.
I would leave him, it's not going to get better if he won't even have a sensible discussion about it.

[MrsBrunch]

OP I would leave the marriage and split the childcare 50/50. That way you get to parent the children the way you want to and you also get a break from running round after everyone when they are with him.

He will see what it's like to have to sort childcare, get kids to school, come home from work and cook, clean and wash clothes, etc.

You can be so much happier if you take control of your own future.

[OptimisticSix]

I don't find joy in my children all of the time and have similar issues to you with them - luckily DH is very supportive otherwise I wouldn't be able to cope. Is there any way you could go away for a few days to remind him what its like. It's ridiculous he has veen so awful to you when he had the same complaint recently! I do think you have a DH problem

[Somethingkindaoooo]

Thing is, I've never been happier than at the moment. I'm retraining and getting skilled up.


Is your DH threatened by this?

[BeaMends]

@KinseyWinsey

Maybe they don't feel loved by me.

They do say I'm grumpy. I'm grumpy because I find it really hard to deal with four dcs gaming all the time.

That's not why you're grumpy.

You're grumpy because you are married to a bastard who treats you like dirt.

[Bluntness100]

@KinseyWinsey

I think I am very unhappy in my marriage.

And it is clear neither is he.

So you need to talk to one another about it. As this doesn’t just magically resolve. It gets worse until one of you walks or one has an affair then walks.

[Viviennemary]

You tried to get them of their games. They were stroppy. I think it was a bit feeble of you to say you don't feel loved. I certainly don't think you should leave even for a short while. These are difficult times for everyone. You just need to do your best. That's all any of us can do. Even when you don't seem to be appreciated. Your DH should be supporting you.

[Echobelly]

It sounds like your H could be in his rights to say 'You always seem to snappy and miserable with them' and want to discuss solutions.

But not 'You could just fuck off and we'd all be better without you' - that's brutal and uneccesary and aimed at wounding.

[StartingOver2020]

I am reading your tone of voice a bit differently from some previous posters.

May I ask which country you are in and is it your home country?