Husband doesn't think the family needs me

[KinseyWinsey]

So the dcs didn't want to go to their activity today. They wanted to game all afternoon instead.

I insisted they go. They were really moody and stroppy.

I said to h that they didn't bring me any joy at the moment and that I found them really difficult and that they're on their gadgets too much. Changes them.

He said I should fuck off then. That he could do everything and what did I bring to the table anyway?

That I am a miseryguts all the time. The kids don't feel loved by me and that I should fuck off if my family didn't bring me joy.

He said he could do everything I do. Basically letting me know I am not needed or wanted.

My dcs are hostile when I try to reduce their gadget use and there is a lot negative energy with getting them out of the house to school etc.

He said they don't feel loved by me. I am not needed. He could do everything.

I said then maybe I should leave if that were true.

I am a SAHM right now. Maybe he's right. I stunned and very upset. They are better off without me.

I suspect he said (shouted) the worst thing he could think of when claiming your children don't love you. That's a sucker punch to the stomach for most parents. And as the mother, you grew them and birthed them. You nurse them, clean them, feed them, make sure they are learning, take them to places, keep track in your mind about how each child is doing, anticipating their needs, planning birthdays, buying uniform, getting them to do stuff they don't want to do.. And most of those things you do every day, day after day. You do them out of love and duty. And I will bet you anything that your children know they are, and feel, loved. Your nasty H sounds like a piece of work.
It is not ok for him to treat you like that, whether on a one off argument or in a relationship based on coercive control.

It is great that you are retraining and your happiness around this speaks volumes. Take some time to think about how you would like your life to be.

I would also recommend some sort of therapy, even reading a couple of well chosen books is better than nothing if counseling isn't an immediate option. It isn't for a great deal of people, unfortunately.

I think it's good that you've posted here even if some of the replied are way off the mark . Reaching out now may be a sign that you're reaching the limit of what you can handle. And that is definitely a good thing but tread carefully Kinsey.

I said to h that they didn't bring me any joy at the moment and that I found them really difficult

If my DH had said that when the DCs were small I'd have told him to sod off as well. I mean maybe I wouldn't have meant it but in the heat of the moment a comment like that is really stupid.

Fucking hell this thread!

I’m sorry OP you’ve fallen victim to that thing where the first couple of responses are negative so then everyone joins in with giving you a kicking.

Of course it’s ok it be unhappy or feel fed up with your kids. It’s perfectly ok to express that to your husband and his response was disproportionate and totally cruel.

What is wrong with people? EVEN IF the OP was unhappy, grumpy with the kids or whatever else she’s been accused of here, why would that make it ok for her husband to tell her the family would be better off without her and to just fuck off.

For comparison - I once told my husband I was feeling so low I felt like running away. I’m sure in the time surrounding that I was a total downer to live with, he gave me a hug and told me we’d work it out.

If he’d told me to ‘just fuck off then’ I’d probably have taken him up on that at that point.

The way your husband speaks to you isn’t ok. Your kids love and need you. Possibly they are negative towards you because they’ve learned that behaviour from their dad.

I think your husband is the issue! He doesn’t sound very supportive. Perhaps he wants to leave? People sometimes project how they feel in accusations they make of others. He should be backing you up in enforcingbset screen time etc.

Right. He's said you're not needed because he can do everything. Take him up on that. Don't leave, but stop doing all the things you do. Your DC are old enough to survive if you go on strike for now. It will mean no limits on the gaming for a while but it will also show them what you actually do, which none of them seem to acknowledge or appreciate.

You need to step back and regroup. You sound like a perfectly good mum, with a perfectly good relationship with your children.

Your husband on the other hand sounds unpleasant.

Stop waiting on everyone. Don't do all the bad cop stuff, point out the stuff that needs doing, what time you need to leave etc, and stand back.

Let your husband do all the stuff he reckons he's so good at.

I think your dc would be the best to ask on this one.

Your dh sounds like a twat for shouting at you, but saying your children sont bring you joy is quite an odd turn of phrase I think?
Mine drive me bonkers but I get so much happiness just hearing them talk shit about the latest interest, or how cute they look asleep or the way they pronounce a word wrong etc.

I've no doubt my mum loves me but she was so fucking hyper critical I definitely felt she didnt like me. Table manners, bed time, my hair, my friends, how I walked etc etc was a daily criticism. Do you think that could be what he meant?

@Lollyneenah of course all that other stuff about my dcs brings me great pleasure and happiness.

Right now though, the gaming seems to create such an obstacle to anything else in their lives. And it's their hostility to my trying to get them to do anything else that makes me grumpy. Day after day. I've removed gadgets. They get them back after a time and so the cycle continues.

Luckily we had visitors after our walk so h couldn't continue with his yelling.

Sorry- I just read your update. Yeah he sounds like a nob.

Interesting how hes okay to discipline you but not his kids isnt it.

Also his words about the dog cut deep. I was so upset about the dog dying. I was the one who wakes him twice a day, took him to vets, lugged home the dog food (we have five dogs) and h said I obviously didn't love him.

You were moaning about the kids saying they don't bring you joy and he told you to fuck off then.
Honestly I can see why he said that .

If a woman posted DH came home said kids don't bring him joy the advice would be to kick him out .

OP I dont understand why you have got such dickish replies. Of course if you have plans children need to put devices down and get organised when told and your husband should support you if they arent doing as they are being asked not give you such shitty comments.

You seemed to immediately believe your husbands insults, is that because you don't feel good about yourself right now?
You asked your kids if they feel unloved. You either believed your husband was 100% right or you brought the kids into it to 'prove' he was wrong.
I'd leave the kids out of these arguments.

You sound very discontent. And alone. Your kids say they have noticed you are 'grumpy'. As we all know, it takes a lot for kids to notice anything. So it must be pretty obvious then.
Could you be a bit depressed, have you been feeling fairly down lately or not your usual self? Even if that's true, nothing excuses your DH talking to you like that.
Have you thought about therapy for yourself. You could do it online when no one is home. You could get perspective and get the individual support that might really help.

Also my children dont ALWAYS bring me joy and if people are trying to say they never have testing moments then they are talking utter bullshit.

@Scbchl I don't know.

Maybe other people actually never do get annoyed about their dcs. Never find them difficult. Always find them a pleasure and a joy all the time.

Perhaps it is just me.

I think the problem is the ops husband is not supporting her in her efforts to parent the children.

Na that's nonsense. Humans arent perfect. The children or the parents. Although some people on mumsnet would anonymously pretend they are but its crap.

It isn't!

I'd leave for a few days and take the wireless router with you.

[quote KinseyWinsey]@Scbchl I don't know.

Maybe other people actually never do get annoyed about their dcs. Never find them difficult. Always find them a pleasure and a joy all the time.

Perhaps it is just me. [/quote]
No, I truly don’t believe there is a parent on this earth that could hand on heart say their children bring them 100% joy 100% of the time.

As a few PPs have said take him at his word and let them all get on with it. If you’re such a spare part then DH can crack on with the parenting and organisation of running a house etc.

Sooner or later your contribution will become clear and that’s the point when you stand the greatest chance of having an adult conversation with your petulant DH.

FYI, you come across as sad and exasperated - justified in the circumstances. Ignore the snippy twats up thread piling on you for not being Lady Bountiful from the hamlet of Infinite Understanding.

He sounds like a bit of a twat, and your kids seem to spend too much time gaming.
But you sound a bit woo. What's all this 'bring me joy' bollocks? You're not Marie Kondo'ing your kids ffs.

OP,

Your husband doesn't sound nice at all.
Not surprising you are not happy.

Monitoring technology can be utterly exhausting we certainly have found it to be so.
Husband and I had to be on the same page.
There were definitely moments when the arguing with my children meant I wasn't feeling any joy🙄.

It sounds like he leaves the boundaries to you.
I think you need to focus on completing your training.
Reduce the activities that they don't wish to do.
Allow your son to be late.
Tell the school that they are to contact his father.
Start doing a lot less for the them.
And do as little as possible for your husband.
Start detaching from your husband and making your own plans.
Leave your husband to sort them out more.
Leave him to organise uniforms, lunches.

He sounds awful.
Tell the children to sort themselves out.
Do not allow them to treat you badly.

You need to be massively less available.
Make all of their lives a lot less comfortable.

Leave for a day, he'll see how much you are needed.

This is so incredibly sand.

Being a SAHM is incredibly hard. Do you live in a part of the world where you can afford to and have home help with the cleaning etc? If not, it might just be that you need a break from everything.

Maybe you need to take a backseat to everyday life for a bit and do something for you- tell your kids you love them, they can game as much as they want etc- and see what happens. Have a friend over, or go out with a friend and live your own life for a bit, while still being there for your kids. Sleep in, and don't bother getting them out of the door for school- if it's private school and he's paying for it, might affect him a bit too- let them stay home from school as they're all old enough to be responsible for themselves and want/need to go to school.

Try not doing much for the rest of them, and see how it plays out- but keep your cool and stay Uber pleasant and smiley- just do whatever YOU want to do for a few days and see how it goes! I think they need a huge dose of reality and a very real reminder of everything you do for them!