Husband doesn't think the family needs me

[KinseyWinsey]

So the dcs didn't want to go to their activity today. They wanted to game all afternoon instead.

I insisted they go. They were really moody and stroppy.

I said to h that they didn't bring me any joy at the moment and that I found them really difficult and that they're on their gadgets too much. Changes them.

He said I should fuck off then. That he could do everything and what did I bring to the table anyway?

That I am a miseryguts all the time. The kids don't feel loved by me and that I should fuck off if my family didn't bring me joy.

He said he could do everything I do. Basically letting me know I am not needed or wanted.

My dcs are hostile when I try to reduce their gadget use and there is a lot negative energy with getting them out of the house to school etc.

He said they don't feel loved by me. I am not needed. He could do everything.

I said then maybe I should leave if that were true.

I am a SAHM right now. Maybe he's right. I stunned and very upset. They are better off without me.

[AllsortsofAwkward]

No but clearly you're children are unhappy aswell and living with a parent who is constantly grumpy must be hard. It sounds like you all need to sit down and air out what issues you have.

[WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants]

@KinseyWinsey

It is not lockdown where we live. Don't assume everyone lives in the UK.

If you're this snappy at home, maybe he has a point?

The website is UK based, everyone is on edge with Covid & lockdowns. If you post about children's activities it's unsurprising that someone will pick you up on it. If you're not in the UK, it's better to say so.

Do YOU think your children feel wanted & lived by you?

Do YOU think they're happier with you there or not?

[user1294729492759]

I said to h that they didn't bring me any joy at the moment

That is a pretty shitty thing to say. It's not your children's responsibility to bring you joy.

If you're "grumpy" with them and resent them for not bringing you "joy" , then do they really feel loved by you? I find it hard to believe they aren't picking up on your feelings given what you've described and the "negative energy".

[Rollingdragon]

You being the one to drag the DC away from their screens sounds completely normal to me, and a standard part of being a parent. It sounds like your home is not a happy one for any of you though. Is your DH usually that nasty?

[Bluntness100]

Sounds like you need to completely remove all gaming

Yeah, cos that will make it better. Ban them from gaming

Op. Is he right? Are you very unhappy?

[SBTLove]

Get a job and reduce how much you do for them all, your older 3 don’t need put out in morning, if they’re late then that’s their own fault.
See how they get on when you’re out yourself, ungrateful shits.

[Bluntness100]

@KinseyWinsey

So even if I were unhappy, I should "just fuck off"?

Wonder if a bloke should do that.

It depends on how unhappy you are and how unhappy you make the others in your household and it’s the same for both genders

As a pp said, it’s not your kids job to bring you joy.

The thing that strikes me, is you were dishing it out. But got upset when you got it back.

[saraclara]

The website is UK based, everyone is on edge with Covid & lockdowns. If you post about children's activities it's unsurprising that someone will pick you up on it. If you're not in the UK, it's better to say so.

I disagree. Of course these forums are read and posted on worldwide. And nowhere is it made clear that it's based in the UK. People outside the UK shouldn't need to be 'othered' by being instructed to justify their presence explain that they're 'foreign'.
UKers should just stop claiming ownership of the place and making assumptions about posters' locations.

[willowmelangell]

Just a suggestion to throw into the air.
What if you told dh that from now on he can get the dc out of door on time?
Take a holiday from it. Say 'ask your dad' when the dc want something.
If you left it to dh to do the things he claims you are so terrible at, how do you think he would be after a month?

[KinseyWinsey]

I did have a job.

And they all did nothing. I was doing a job and everything else. It was even worse.

Thing is, I've never been happier than at the moment. I'm retraining and getting skilled up. .

But the dcs gaming all the time and trying to get them out of the door on time is a sore point. I've discussed it with them. I take their gadgets away but it's a spruce of conflict.

Ds1 has been in trouble at school for being late so many times. He doesn't care.

Do dcs truly bring you joy all of the time? Mine don't and nor do I expect them to. Today was particularly trying.

Perhaps I should leave them to it then. Perhaps they would be happier without me around. Sod it.

[Bluntness100]

@willowmelangell

Just a suggestion to throw into the air.
What if you told dh that from now on he can get the dc out of door on time?
Take a holiday from it. Say 'ask your dad' when the dc want something.
If you left it to dh to do the things he claims you are so terrible at, how do you think he would be after a month?

Well she’s a stay at home mum, so that’s a bit much on top of him doing us job. It would be thoroughly acceptable if she paid her way, but she can’t do nothing with the kids and expect him to earn and do all the kids and house stuff. And then pay for her.

That’s unrealistic and taking the piss

She can get a job and then do it though.

[KinseyWinsey]

@Bluntness, what was I dishing out? That I said they weren't bringing me any joy at the moment?

And for that I should fuck off and leave my dcs?

[KinseyWinsey]

And I know it's not the dcs job to bring me joy! Where did I say that?

[Bluntness100]

Op this is hard to comprehend.

You sound unhappy. Your husband says you’re miserable all the time. Your kids say your grumpy and have got to the stage they are expressing it to you. But you’ve never been happier.

So something is adrift.

[KinseyWinsey]

I'm grumpy when I have to get them out of the door to something on time, yes. That's when I'm grumpy.

[Bluntness100]

And no op I didn’t say that.

[KinseyWinsey]

Because it's me versus the gadgets.

[Bluntness100]

Ok, I’m not sure how much people can help. You come across as incredibly angry. But I guess that’s just your husbands comments and normally you’re really happy.

[BusterGonad]

I'm not in the UK.
Op you sound very stressed, do you actually get anytime to yourself to just be you? Not mother or wife? I think you are overwhelmed with parenting and it sounds like your husband is just another person that drags you down. I think implementing some kind of rules in regards to gaming could help, set a time table for homework etc. No gaming in the mornings so the kids focus on getting ready for school and try to get your husband to help out a bit more. I don't think you're miserable but just very unhappy with being the parent that does all the donkey work at home.

[BusterGonad]

I'm shocked that you've (op) said that this is the happiest you've ever been!

[FixItUpChappie]

I'm finding it difficult to suss out if you are partially hurt because you think it's true - that your a "misery guts" and into a certain pattern of speaking to your family a certain way...? Your DHs comments are very harsh, but it's impossible for strangers to know where that's coming from or if there is an element of truth. He's chosen a very hurtful way to lay it bare if there is. No, I don't think you should leave your family OP but it sounds like some difficult conversations and real relationship work is in order.

[KinseyWinsey]

I'm incredibly upset yes. Sorry.

[FTMF30]

Sounds like he likes to be funtimes dad and you're left to be the bad guy. He sounds awful and not very supportive as a husband.

While he might not like to have heard you moaning about the kids, it wouldn't have been impossible to try to understand why you were moaning in the first place and try to help.

Do not let his words form your own opinion of yourself. If nothing else, you carried and birthed 4 children - that's what you brought to the table. . .and I know you've done a whole lot more.

[OhCaptain]

Your posts are weirdly aggressive and snappy. If that's how you are all the time I can imagine a pretty shitty atmosphere.

It's a weird thing to say - "my kids don't bring me joy". If DH said that to me I'd be defensive of the dc, too.

You're coming across as an odd mix of self-pitying and angry.

It's not hard to strike a balance between gaming all the time and having some down time. It shouldn't be you versus gadgets and I think that's an odd stance to take.

Does DH do any actual, hands on parenting?