Husband doesn't think the family needs me

[KinseyWinsey]

So the dcs didn't want to go to their activity today. They wanted to game all afternoon instead.

I insisted they go. They were really moody and stroppy.

I said to h that they didn't bring me any joy at the moment and that I found them really difficult and that they're on their gadgets too much. Changes them.

He said I should fuck off then. That he could do everything and what did I bring to the table anyway?

That I am a miseryguts all the time. The kids don't feel loved by me and that I should fuck off if my family didn't bring me joy.

He said he could do everything I do. Basically letting me know I am not needed or wanted.

My dcs are hostile when I try to reduce their gadget use and there is a lot negative energy with getting them out of the house to school etc.

He said they don't feel loved by me. I am not needed. He could do everything.

I said then maybe I should leave if that were true.

I am a SAHM right now. Maybe he's right. I stunned and very upset. They are better off without me.

[SleepingStandingUp]

It obv isn't ok for him to be screaming and swearing at you.

The issue to be is your the happiest you've ever been and yet the kids being your no joy, they're really hard work and you're unhappy in your marriage.

So when was the last time you got any happiness from your partner or children? How much does your mood affect the family? Have you seen anyone about depression?

[FinallyHere]

Don't assume everyone lives in the UK.

Ouch.

I tend to be brusque but even I can think of lots of other ways of pointing out that not everyone lives in the UK

Is the stress perhaps getting to you a bit?

[Hardbackwriter]

I think you both said some horrible things. I would be hurt and a bit shocked if DH announced that our child 'doesn't bring him any joy anymore', even if he was objectively being very trying - and I probably would get very defensive of DS. However, what he said in return was unpleasant and excessive. I think you need to find some way to sit down and talk about how much each of you meant what you said, as I suspect you both did mean some of it, but not the hurtful language or the strength with which it was said.

[Ramblingwords]

@KinseyWinsey


“Perhaps I should leave them to it then. Perhaps they would be happier without me around.”

Statements like this, and others you’ve made, sound very passive aggressive. That can be so draining to be around.

Responding to difficulties at home, whether it’s the day to day arguments with kids about gaming or marital discord, with a passive aggressive attitude doesn’t help anything.

I would wonder whether you are one of those people who makes everyone else responsible for your happiness (bringing them down in the process).

Perhaps an alternative view is that you’ve been the unwitting thief of joy in your house and maybe DH losing the plot today could be a wake up call? Find your own joy independently and you’ll be in a much better place with everything else. It can be a tremendous relief to communicate more directly and assertively too.

[Bluntness100]

You're grumpy because you are married to a bastard who treats you like dirt

I don’t think that’s necessarily true. Sure in that moment he did. But when people are unhappily married, possibly feel trapped, as let’s face it you can’t walk so easy with four kids to house and feed, and are frustrated then they can snap and react in a way they shouldn’t. You can’t judge them on one moment in time.

I’ve been with my husband a long time, we generally have a happy marriage, I can honestly say at times I’ve snapped, shouted and said things to him in the heat of the moment. That doesn’t mean I’m a bitch who treats him like dirt. It is a snap shot in time. You need a wider picture to be able to judge as you’re doing.

[Shitfuckoh]

@Bluntness100

You're grumpy because you are married to a bastard who treats you like dirt

I don’t think that’s necessarily true. Sure in that moment he did. But when people are unhappily married, possibly feel trapped, as let’s face it you can’t walk so easy with four kids to house and feed, and are frustrated then they can snap and react in a way they shouldn’t. You can’t judge them on one moment in time.

I’ve been with my husband a long time, we generally have a happy marriage, I can honestly say at times I’ve snapped, shouted and said things to him in the heat of the moment. That doesn’t mean I’m a bitch who treats him like dirt. It is a snap shot in time. You need a wider picture to be able to judge as you’re doing.

Which is why I asked the questions I did - it's so easy to say he's nasty - as what he said wasn't nice. BUT until we know if it's a one off or something he does a lot, it's difficult to say what I'd do.

[16purplecolour16]

My STXH said the same to me. No. They’re not happier with them. We muddle along, me and dc, happily. Don’t have him lording it over me so I’m happiest in myself.

[Merryhobnobs]

People saying that mumsnet is aa UK site and that the UK is in lockdown. The UK is not in lockdown. Parts of it are. Don't assume and then give the op a hard time. Op it sounds as though parenting is a bit tough just now and that your husband is also feeling the grind but is getting defensive and blaming you instead of working together. It's hard.

[Mabelface]

I get the feeling that your husband doesn't ever back you up and the kids pick up on this and try to treat you with the same contempt he does.

[Bluntness100]

Which is why I asked the questions I did - it's so easy to say he's nasty - as what he said wasn't nice. BUT until we know if it's a one off or something he does a lot, it's difficult to say what I'd do

Totally agree,

I get the feeling that your husband doesn't ever back you up and the kids pick up on this and try to treat you with the same contempt he does

There is nothing to indicate this, but sure give her a good kick.

[Muchadoaboutlife]

Ok. Firstly, unless people have got kids who game all the time and do NOTHING ELSE then they won’t get it. Ignore anyone who doesn’t a) have kids and b) doesn’t have gadgets on 24/7.

I get it because I have been you.

My kids personality changes when they game. They get rude and aggressive and nothing else exists. They are sullen and withdrawn. I had the added issue of a DH who did it with them and it was constant. Weekends would be them up until past 10 on a Friday screaming and shouting and laughing all together like a little gang then I’d get up on a Saturday morning and they’d already all be on the consoles together. I’d say good morning and not even get a reply. This went on for month after month after month. Beautiful hot sunny days missed and wasted. Me, seeing other families doing things like cinema, swimming etc and being and doing everything on my own. I was ignored. I became very depressed and traumatised. Hearing the console go on would trigger an automatic response in me. I didn’t want to get out of bed on a weekend morning because what was the point. I’d gone through all the pain of childbirth to have a family who couldn’t give a flying fig if I was gone for an entire week. What’s the point of life like that? It’s not even a life. I went out with friends and went to the gym and I kept myself busy but it gets to the point where it’s lonely and depressing. I ended up putting my foot down and confronting it like you OP to be told “we are all having fun. If you’re not, it’s not our problem” that’s not supportive or caring or understanding or teamwork. I let mine go on for far too long as I’m sure you have. Like you, I’m stuck in a difficult position as they are addicted now and it’s too late. The horse has left the stable. I ended up making my DH leave. He came back and things are better now but it’s still a constant battle. What I would say to you is think about how much actual child care or housework your DH is doing? A SAHM doesn’t become default 100% on all of that. He has to pull his weight. Are the kids doing chores to earn gaming time? Where’s the gratitude? Are you carrying all of the mental load? It won’t necessarily be better if you leave but it might make you feel less stressed. You can then split the custody and get time to yourself to rebuild your life and meet somebody who wants to spend time with you. Right now, you don’t have a life and the life you have is full of people who disrespect you and take you for granted. If your husband has to look after them on his own half the time then he will have to do everything for them including buying their clothes, school runs, play dates, chores, cooking...my friend had your situation too and she left and she ended up meeting the loveliest guy. Now when her kids are with the dad on their gaming weekends she is out and about with somebody fun who treats her like a queen and they have the best time together. PM me if you want

[Mabelface]

A kick? What are you on about?

[Muchadoaboutlife]

Oh and I totally get it when you say they don’t bring you joy anymore. Too right. How can you feel joy when you’re ignored and treated with contempt like a piece of worthless shit in your own home? That wouldn’t bring me joy either

[MaxNormal]

That's a shame that this thread has shown up in Active, unfortunately that means a pile-on from the AIBU shitheads who seem to live for kicking upset people when they're down.

[ohtheholidays]

Shitfuckoh Your not so Dearest Husband sounds like a right dick and an abusive one at that!

Who the hell thinks when they're OH confides in them that they're struggling with the DC that the parent that's struggling needs to be told to fuck off!

He was screaming and shouting and swearing at you in public I hate to imagine how he treats you behind closed doors!

Did he get the same reaction from you when he said he was struggling with the DC?!I bet not and if not why the hell does he think responding to you in that way is appropriate?

He may enjoy playing the Good Cop but he shouldn't expect you to play bad Cop and be Mary poppins all rolled into one.

It is normal to find your DC bloody annoying at times and if your the only one doing the real family work and carrying that load all on your own no wonder your feeling bloody fed up at the responses your getting from your DC and your dick of a husband.

I can't tell you what to do but things do need to change or you will end up having more and more days where your feeling missunderstood and used and stressed and unhappy,I went through similar and I ended the marriage and it was the best thing I ever did!

[Hippee]

KinseyWinsey - completely feel for you. I feel that I am fighting a losing battle with my 14-year-old. It does suck the joy out of the day if you know that there will be a tantrum whenever you put limits on screen time. Already bracing myself for the battle tomorrow to get him to come on our weekly family walk (which he has already agreed to). Luckily my DH is on board with limiting screen time and (I hope) would never say anything so mean, if I was letting off steam to him. Is your DH always so underining? Is he not on board with you retraining? How soon will you be able to start work? It's so demoralising (and easy) to be a SAHM and feel that you are failing at it.

[incognitomum]

OP is there anywhere you can go for a couple of nights? Give you chance to think.

[OhCaptain]

@Muchadoaboutlife so needlessly dramatic!

I have three dc who all like to game to varying degrees. We don't miss out on days out because they're not allowed on them all the time.

I don't need to stay in bed all day because I hear the playstation. Boundaries and a healthy balance means everyone is happy.

I'm inclined to agree that OP has been a thief of joy and PA, blaming everyone else for her misery. And you sort of come across as of the same ilk.

Glad your home life is happier now but really, telling OP to disregard anyone who hasn't allowed herself to become a slave to gaming consoles is ridiculous!

[OhCaptain]

I do agree that splitting might be in everyone's best interest.. But @KinseyWinsey make sure you'll be ok financially and otherwise.

Is DH funding your studies? Will you be able to continue them? Can you afford to live on just maintenance and benefits? Will you be able to reach a fair childcare arrangement? All things that need to be well thought out before you take any leaps!

I will say that if you do split, you're still going to have to parent them. And that means controlling screen time as well as everything else. So regardless of if you stay or go, that needs to be looked at.

And if you're not seeing a counsellor, maybe a trip to the GP? Just in case your unhappiness has veered into something you need help with.

[bringbacksideburns]

We've got to the crux of the matter. You aren't happy in your marriage.

Getting them to spend less time on their gadgets feels insurmountable at the moment as you aren't on the same page and a team with your partner. He should be trying to talk to them about it and reaching a compromise. They do XY and Z and then can game etc. He is offering you no help or support.

I think kids would spend all day on gadgets happily if you let them. Talk to them quietly later about the activity and ask if they enjoyed it after all the fuss, and explain why it's important to have time away from it, doing other fun stuff as constant gaming just makes them more tired and irritable. The older kids can be spoken to in a more grown up way and ask them how they think you could all work together to make things better
Of course they wouldnt be better off without you!
I would be focusing on retraining, new job, financial independence.

Maybe for the moment let some of it go if you are really struggling and focus on what you can immediately do that will make life better.

And that may mean moving on in time.

[Bluntness100]

Ok. Firstly, unless people have got kids who game all the time and do NOTHING ELSE then they won’t get it. Ignore anyone who doesn’t a) have kids and b) doesn’t have gadgets on 24/7. I get it because I have been you

Yes, op. Ignore everyone other than this one poster. 😂

[Disfordarkchocolate]

So he's 'fun dad' and you get to be the adult of the house. I'd tell him to F* Off and grow up but I'm fairly direct these days.

[StephenBelafonte]

What is the activity they went to? Is it something they asked to do?

You could try what I did. My middle daughter was always nagging me to join this and join that and I would do it for her but it was always me saying to her "come on, get ready, get your stuff together, have you got this, we need to leave now blah blah blah" it was really tiring. So the next time she asked to do a new activity (drumming) I said "of course you can darling, be dressed and ready to go at 5.45 every wednesday and i'll take you"

You can guess the rest! Not one time was she ready to go and by the door at 5.45 on a Wednesday. Then on Thursday or Friday she'd say "muuuuummm, we forgot about drumming". To which I would say "well, you obviously didn't really want to go then did you"

That said, you don't sound happy and i'm not surprised with an arsehold husband.

[rorosemary]

Reading your responses I think that your emotions are so strong right now you shouldn't make a decision either way. You need to calm down a bit first and then in the coming weeks decide if this marriage is for you. Maybe some therapy or coaching can help you decide how you want to go forward in the future, be that within or without your marriage. But something will have to change. I dare not advise you either way because you're too frustrated right now. Decisions should be made when you're calm.

Good luck.

[HollowTalk]

You sound very unhappy, and I would be, too, if my children were gaming all day and my husband was nasty to me. Gaming non-stop is really damaging for kids - I'd be particularly worried about your 8 year old. If your husband can't back you up on that then that's terrible. He needs to do some research. Is it just that as gaming shuts them up then he's happy for them to do it?