Feeling conflicted after meeting ex wife

[OverThinkingUnderDoing]

I met a really lovely man several months ago. We started speaking at the beginning of the year and met once but then due to lockdown couldn’t see each other again until July. We’ve seen each other a couple of days a week since then. He has 2dc’s 50% of the time and I have my dc’s pretty much all the time but until recently we hadn’t met kids. I have a granny flat at my house which he stays in to do his work then comes round to mine once kids are asleep/ at school.

He wanted me to meet his kids, more just that they’re teenagers, they’d noticed me accidentally leaving random crap around partners house and were being nosy. Partner and his ex have always said they would want to meet any partners before kids met them. Fair enough.

He split with his ExW several years ago and has been in a couple of longish term relationships since then but neither of them met his kids. He speaks relatively fondly of his two relationships with his most recent partners but really doesn’t like his ExW. She cheated on him and left him for someone else, they were together since school, it took him a year before he could even contemplate seeing anyone else according to him. He claims she is massively manipulative and lies about him on SM, he isn’t friends with her on SM but his mum is and reports things back to him. One thing that happened since we were together is he took one of his dc’s to a theme park for dc’s birthday. His mum then sent him a screenshot of ExW’s post on FB saying ‘can’t believe my ex forgot our youngests birthday. Now I’m going to have to be the one making up for it again and consoling my devastated child’. Partner was definitely at this theme park with his son on his birthday - he sent me several videos of them together so it’s all weird.

Anyway. I met the ExW when she dropped off dc’s at partners house a week ago. She came in for a cup of tea, her and partner were being civil but barely talking but she was nice and chatty to me and seemed perfectly fine. When partner left the room briefly though she grabbed both my hands, looked me dead in the eye and said really quietly and intensely ‘please be careful’. Partner then came back in, she made her way out. Partner obviously noticed something was wrong because as soon as he’d shut the door he said ‘what did she say? What’s she saying about me now?’ I said that she hadn’t said anything, that I was just a bit overwhelmed by it all and we carried on the evening.

But I’ve been in abusive relationships before. If I was to meet a new partner of my exh’s I would say exactly the same thing. But, again, she’s already shown that she can be unnecessarily manipulative. I don’t want to go behind partners back and contact her to explain what she meant. I know if I tell partner what she said then it will just cause trouble which I don’t want either.

I really like this man. We’ve been through some stressful experiences already and he’s not shown himself to be anything other then compassionate and calm. I have had absolutely no concerns at any point about worrying about temper or anything like that. But then maybe she meant be careful about something else? Cheating or lying or something?

My head is such a mess. I wasn’t looking to meet anyone so soon after my marriage ended but he just sort of appeared and is unlike anyone I’ve ever met. I don’t want to lose him because of one thing his ExW said. But then I don’t want to be in an abusive relationship ever again even more.

Take it slow with him and keep your eyes and ears open.

She's the psycho ex.
You should never believe anything the psycho ex tells you because, obviously, she's a psycho.

He probably diagnosed the psychosis himself.

Head for the nearest hills.

I wouldn’t be able to leave it I’d be reaching out to her and asking what she meant by it x

I’ve been wary since he made the manipulative and lying comments about her. Over time though I’ve just put it down more to her hurting him. He certainly doesn’t actively slag her off iyswim. I’m going through a very messy divorce and some of it is similar to stuff he’s been through so he’s mention it then. He’s never seems to want to actively paint a picture of her in the way my ex did with his previous girlfriend (and is now almost certainly doing with me).

A few years ago my DD met a guy who seemed to be very nice and devoted to DD and DGS . One day she received a message from her BF’s ex advising her to be careful and look out for herself and her DC.
BF had already mentioned this ex who- of course- was totally nuts etc etc so DD was confused . Anyway BF soon showed his true colours ; abusive, controlling and dishonest .
Getting rid of him involved the Police and WA.
I am not saying your BF is like this but be careful.

Have you said “No” to something that he wanted for no particular reason other than you just didn’t fancy it? How did he take it? I would take it slowly and make sure that you can walk away without any entanglement until you are completely sure of him.

I know if I tell partner what she said then it will just cause trouble which I don’t want either

Are you frightened of his reaction?

If she's just making it up he has a right to be angry, but with her not you. And you shouldn't feel that he's threatening to anyone.
Can you find out how his other ex-girlfriends think of him.

See, what worries me if that you can’t tell
Him, and laugh it off.

I think you know what that means. I don’t really believe in the “psycho ex”.

Being nice about the girlfriends is to make him seem reasonable, they're were no children in those relationships so no reason for you to ever cross paths. Tread very carefully.

There!

That sounds off. I would definitely contact her and ask to elaborate

Reach out and say "I would really like to have an open conversation with you about what you meant"

I doubt my ex who is a high achiever and respected locally etc -tells his friends or work that the court gave him a life long restraining order two years ago. Not a chance. I'm the mad, psycho ex wife who is mentally unstable -his friend told me so at work. She is totally unaware of the restraining order. So is everyone. No one knows. No one knows he told me he had cancer etc - no one. No one knows he hit me. I'm his mad and unstable ex wife. Be very very very carefful and ask her --ask her WHY they split and etc keep your eyes peeled. Documents, lies, big or little etc

Go and do a Claire’s Law disclosure with the Police, he doesn’t need to know you’ve done it. It will give you a little background whether he has a known history of any worrying behaviour.

From what you describe it sounds like she is the crazy one - I'm a bit concerned that you can't tell him and laugh it off though, if he's always calm?

The fact he has a specific example of her being manipulative on social media is much better than the general "Oh, she was just a psycho" that so many men seem to say...

And giving you a whispered warning with no opportunity to ask her what she meant is textbook manipulation. It's like something out of a channel 5 daytime thriller. It sounds like she just wants to sow seeds of doubt.

But if you're feeling doubtful maybe he's not that great?

Just have your wits about you. I met a calm, charming man several years ago. A true gentleman. I got a text from a random number by one of his exes giving me a stark warning about him. I forwarded the text to my then boyfriend confused about it. He then painted a picture of this woman being a psycho ex, blah blah. 6 months later I had get the police involved, he turned out just as his ex had told me.

“See, what worries me if that you can’t tell Him, and laugh it off.”

This. It would have been the first thing I’d have said once she left.

Are there any red flags, even tiny ones?

On the other hand if she really was concerned for OP wouldn’t she have said something a little less vague?

Sometimes you have to consider who the message comes from. You've seen evidence of her lies and manipulation. There are psycho exes out there; not all women are sweetness and light.

Keep your wits about you and don't ignore any red flags should they appear.

Ignore her, she wants to stir you.
If he was sbusive, why would she leave her children with him?
You also got a clear example of her plainly lying about him.
So judge what you can see, your own gut instint.
And if she does something like this again, just grab her hands back, look at her in the eye and say "I know! He is so charming and handsome that I cannot stop myself falling so deep for him. I am so happy that my hearts hurt sometimes" . She will never ever do it again

It could also just be the exW trying to wind you up. Notice that she didn't allege anything specific about him. Some women just don't like their ex's being in a new relationship, as if they still had some sort of ownership.

The fact you can’t tell him speaks volumes.

It is her who I don't believe. The kids birthday party thing was factual evidence of how manipulative she is. No doubt about that. Why would you then believe her? Extremely manipulative to do that without explanation. I'm pretty sure she could have contacted you some other way if she was serious about warning you. Why wait to drop that little snippet and dash of? She sounds like the one you need to be worried about.

As another poster has said do a claire law and Sarah's law check. he doesn't need to know.

I know you say you have videos of the birthday but which birthday was it from? Was it actually from his birthday or another day out he has just sent them too you?

For context

My ex picks the children up from school blows up my phone demanding to bring the kids back to me instantly ive lost a job over this behaviour because he collected them refused to drop them at the childminder I had to get them instantly "or else" but everyone "saw" him get them from school he was the king of 5 minute parks take them to a park take pictures posed on equipment right time to go home but he had the photos to "prove" what a great dad he was his Facebook is full of my boys my life reality is he barely sees them and yes im the "crazy ex" apparently I try to seduce him want him back wont accept its over (umm I divorced him) reality is very very different to his fantasy

I would meet his DM and see how his relationship is with her, have you met his friends, are they 'normal'?

If you can, check the videos and the screenshot of the FB post. Ask the ex about the birthday post. She'll either go very quiet or say it was last year/the park outing was a different time.