Feeling conflicted after meeting ex wife

[OverThinkingUnderDoing]

I met a really lovely man several months ago. We started speaking at the beginning of the year and met once but then due to lockdown couldn’t see each other again until July. We’ve seen each other a couple of days a week since then. He has 2dc’s 50% of the time and I have my dc’s pretty much all the time but until recently we hadn’t met kids. I have a granny flat at my house which he stays in to do his work then comes round to mine once kids are asleep/ at school.

He wanted me to meet his kids, more just that they’re teenagers, they’d noticed me accidentally leaving random crap around partners house and were being nosy. Partner and his ex have always said they would want to meet any partners before kids met them. Fair enough.

He split with his ExW several years ago and has been in a couple of longish term relationships since then but neither of them met his kids. He speaks relatively fondly of his two relationships with his most recent partners but really doesn’t like his ExW. She cheated on him and left him for someone else, they were together since school, it took him a year before he could even contemplate seeing anyone else according to him. He claims she is massively manipulative and lies about him on SM, he isn’t friends with her on SM but his mum is and reports things back to him. One thing that happened since we were together is he took one of his dc’s to a theme park for dc’s birthday. His mum then sent him a screenshot of ExW’s post on FB saying ‘can’t believe my ex forgot our youngests birthday. Now I’m going to have to be the one making up for it again and consoling my devastated child’. Partner was definitely at this theme park with his son on his birthday - he sent me several videos of them together so it’s all weird.

Anyway. I met the ExW when she dropped off dc’s at partners house a week ago. She came in for a cup of tea, her and partner were being civil but barely talking but she was nice and chatty to me and seemed perfectly fine. When partner left the room briefly though she grabbed both my hands, looked me dead in the eye and said really quietly and intensely ‘please be careful’. Partner then came back in, she made her way out. Partner obviously noticed something was wrong because as soon as he’d shut the door he said ‘what did she say? What’s she saying about me now?’ I said that she hadn’t said anything, that I was just a bit overwhelmed by it all and we carried on the evening.

But I’ve been in abusive relationships before. If I was to meet a new partner of my exh’s I would say exactly the same thing. But, again, she’s already shown that she can be unnecessarily manipulative. I don’t want to go behind partners back and contact her to explain what she meant. I know if I tell partner what she said then it will just cause trouble which I don’t want either.

I really like this man. We’ve been through some stressful experiences already and he’s not shown himself to be anything other then compassionate and calm. I have had absolutely no concerns at any point about worrying about temper or anything like that. But then maybe she meant be careful about something else? Cheating or lying or something?

My head is such a mess. I wasn’t looking to meet anyone so soon after my marriage ended but he just sort of appeared and is unlike anyone I’ve ever met. I don’t want to lose him because of one thing his ExW said. But then I don’t want to be in an abusive relationship ever again even more.

I know a woman who is dealing with a batshit crazy ex and even his mother gets involved in the abuse and malicious allegations all the time, it's like it's a full time job for them trying to cause drama.

Sorry about silence. Things have been overwhelming. H was being silly about money and once that was sorted I discovered something that suggests he has a girlfriend and has had for a while.

So will be back to struggling I think. I just want a mum to be here and love me instead I just feel so alone.

I know I’m not, but it feels like it.

okay I'm confused

I can understand. Wrong thread

Sorry. Have asked for it to be removed

I'd personally ask to meet her on her own to understand why she said it.

I can understand. Wrong thread.

Sorry. Have asked for it to be removed

🤣😂 I was baffled lol

I think 3rd party counselling would probably be a good idea too. My friend has just set up her counselling business and it seemed a perfect set up but it’s actually a bit weird talking to a mate about it and I’m sure I tone down a lot of the abuse as I don’t want to upset her. Which is obviously entirely unhelpful for both of us.

you cannot seek counselling from a friend OP... ever 🌺

I have deliberately sought out and warned off the current girlfriend of a spectacularly abusive ex of mine. He held me down and punched my face, just the final straw in a series of extremely abusive situations. He was cautioned (CPS wouldn't charge) and subsequently I found out that he went on to do the same and worse to his next partner. I warned the current girlfriend, and told her to investigate Claire's law which we said she'd done but nothing came up (which means she hasn't really). It pains me so much. I live in fear of seeing his name as someone who has killed a woman; he's that psycho. But I'm just the mad ex, as is the next partner (the mother of his children, poor woman) and she is the new girlfriend happily in love with this amazing man.

Take warnings seriously. Do some investigative work with Claire's law. Then make your decision.

I wrote a letter to my oh ex to reassure her ahead of a family holiday taking on oh dd, her dd.

She was demanding to meet me, I didn’t want to and it was really inconvenient due to distance and my training schedule.

What spooked me mostly was her demand “I want 15mins alone with her” at a train station... erm 😕

So I wrote and reassured her, asking her to contact her ex if she had any queries

She replied to me and poor little dsd was shaking as she handed it over.

I knew she was up to something

So I binned the letter without opening it.

Dsd never knew I’d binned it, and whatever poison she was trying to drip was completely neutralised.

Some people - her especially- really are that vile, and she went on to leave zero doubt on that front

@OverThinkingUnderDoing what is your gut telling you?

As above please seek a counsellor as it is completely unethical for your friend to be your counsellor, friendly chats yes but anything other no.

She sounds like the type who enjoy pressing people’s buttons.
Has he explained how other relationships ended - have you googled his name just to check if anything was in the paper.
She may just be spiteful he left her - despite her supposedly having an affair. Some people love drama -
You are handling it well.

a good friend of mine is a counsellor and we’re doing a counselling and yoga session once a week.

This jumped out to me.

It's unethical to counsel a friend. I'm not sure if you just chat with her...but a good Counsellor would absolutely never counsel someone they have any kind of relationship or friendship with.

MzHz my gut feeling is that she’s just shit stirring - this guy has sort of been on the fringes of my social circle for years and no one has a bad word to say against him. But then, also, no one would have a bad word to say against my exh, I’m sure he makes me out to be a psycho and if I could ever warn any of his future partners about him I would.

whydidimarryhim I’ve read stuff both from him and her about the breakdown of their marriage. Hard to say without being outing but they’re both in the public eye (not famous as such, but both in an industry that people are interested in) so there is quite a lot of articles about both of them. Nothing has suggested that there was abuse there but obviously you wouldn’t say something like that unless you really had to.

It was definitely her who left him. I’ve been with a friend today and we looked her up on FB (I know, I know). Her account is completely public and just absolutely full of shit stirring things and has been for years - photos of the kids with the man she left him for with captions like ‘my beautiful family, together at last’ and ‘father son time!’ I don’t know why anyone’s would post shit like that, particularly on a public account except for the sole reason of upsetting someone. So having seen that I’m much more inclined to believe what he says.

Hmm.. I read your first para and completely agreed that everyone thought my ex was a peach...

But then when you mentioned her fb and your gut feeling... I’d agree again.

Go carefully, but I think you got this.

Would you speak to your boyf about what she said? See his reaction? For honestly and clarity etc.

Some men do have psycho ex's. My DP does as I know she has stalked me online and is unhinged. Not one person, even someone who is still friends with her, has anything good to say about her and mutual friends and DPs family have finally realised she was abusive and manipulative, they definitely didn't see it before as she is very good at putting on the respectable front. She also told DP she was going to tell me all sorts of 'terrible' things about him. Except they weren't terrible and we already knew about our pasts.

I wouldn't automatically believe her when you have proof that she is full of shit.

She could indeed be a manipulative liar, but he also could be shitty in his own way. You need to be prepared for that possibility too.

It's not Jonny Depp is it ?

Seriously though, I think you have to keep an open mind at this point, until you obtain further information.

Could she be talking about money? Does he have IVAs or lots of debt he hasn’t told you about? Credit card bills?

@OverThinkingUnderDoing

I hadn’t considered contacting one of his more recent ex’s. That’s a possibility. I know one of them vaguely as she’s a minor celebrity around these parts, she’d probably think I was nuts if I sent her a dm on Twitter asking if her ex was a prick

It need to become socially acceptable to do this. Women would be safer if it were totally normal to take up references from other women about boyfriends.

Impossible for anyone here to say whether he's a massive prick who's hidden it well up to now, or his ex is.

In his favour - he speaks well of his two most recent gfs, has his dc 50% of the time, hasn't revealed any red flags to you, and you're really happy in the relationship.

I don't think it's worrying that his mum is still friends with his ex on sm. I'm sure she's trying to be cordial for the sake of her grandchildren, and has her own long relationship with her ex dil. Of course, if ex tells lies online about her son, she'll tell him. The surprising thing is that ex would lie about him on sm, knowing his own mum will see it - that's either a very bold lie or true.

I would file ex's warning away, and continue treading carefully and slowly, as you are already doing. People do malicious things all the time, and ex could be one of those people. Posters on MN do not have exclusivity on shit, abusive exes and your partner could have one of those too.

What stressful situations had you been through already?

I think she has done a proper number on you and it's worked.

You already have evidence she is manipulative from the FB thing.

Eyes and ears open, gob shut and enjoy the relationship.

She has an axe to grind and is a known manipulator. You have seen her in action and the fact she has done it so well proves she is excellent at it and the reason she is excellent is because she does it all the time. That is what I would bring away from this little tableau.