Feeling conflicted after meeting ex wife

[OverThinkingUnderDoing]

I met a really lovely man several months ago. We started speaking at the beginning of the year and met once but then due to lockdown couldn’t see each other again until July. We’ve seen each other a couple of days a week since then. He has 2dc’s 50% of the time and I have my dc’s pretty much all the time but until recently we hadn’t met kids. I have a granny flat at my house which he stays in to do his work then comes round to mine once kids are asleep/ at school.

He wanted me to meet his kids, more just that they’re teenagers, they’d noticed me accidentally leaving random crap around partners house and were being nosy. Partner and his ex have always said they would want to meet any partners before kids met them. Fair enough.

He split with his ExW several years ago and has been in a couple of longish term relationships since then but neither of them met his kids. He speaks relatively fondly of his two relationships with his most recent partners but really doesn’t like his ExW. She cheated on him and left him for someone else, they were together since school, it took him a year before he could even contemplate seeing anyone else according to him. He claims she is massively manipulative and lies about him on SM, he isn’t friends with her on SM but his mum is and reports things back to him. One thing that happened since we were together is he took one of his dc’s to a theme park for dc’s birthday. His mum then sent him a screenshot of ExW’s post on FB saying ‘can’t believe my ex forgot our youngests birthday. Now I’m going to have to be the one making up for it again and consoling my devastated child’. Partner was definitely at this theme park with his son on his birthday - he sent me several videos of them together so it’s all weird.

Anyway. I met the ExW when she dropped off dc’s at partners house a week ago. She came in for a cup of tea, her and partner were being civil but barely talking but she was nice and chatty to me and seemed perfectly fine. When partner left the room briefly though she grabbed both my hands, looked me dead in the eye and said really quietly and intensely ‘please be careful’. Partner then came back in, she made her way out. Partner obviously noticed something was wrong because as soon as he’d shut the door he said ‘what did she say? What’s she saying about me now?’ I said that she hadn’t said anything, that I was just a bit overwhelmed by it all and we carried on the evening.

But I’ve been in abusive relationships before. If I was to meet a new partner of my exh’s I would say exactly the same thing. But, again, she’s already shown that she can be unnecessarily manipulative. I don’t want to go behind partners back and contact her to explain what she meant. I know if I tell partner what she said then it will just cause trouble which I don’t want either.

I really like this man. We’ve been through some stressful experiences already and he’s not shown himself to be anything other then compassionate and calm. I have had absolutely no concerns at any point about worrying about temper or anything like that. But then maybe she meant be careful about something else? Cheating or lying or something?

My head is such a mess. I wasn’t looking to meet anyone so soon after my marriage ended but he just sort of appeared and is unlike anyone I’ve ever met. I don’t want to lose him because of one thing his ExW said. But then I don’t want to be in an abusive relationship ever again even more.

Now you’ve seen her FB, this solidifies she’s a shit stirrer. You have put in an application for Claire’s law and will remain vigilant as always. And please get counselling from someone, who is not a friend. You are doing neither of you any favours.

OP I know it's not the main point here at all but your friend is behaving totally unethically and unprofessionally offering counselling to a friend - it's the sort of thing that means this career really isn't appropriate for her, I'm quite shocked someone setting up such a business would even consider it. Definitely seek a proper counsellor who doesn't know you or your partner in any other way

Ive not read the whole thread but based in your initial post I really don't think you can put much stock in his ex wife. Going on a public social media platform to criticise ex in such a way would have me running for the hills. Its his ex that seems to have the red flags here.
Like Ive said a few times to my eldest. Observe someone's actions and dont always take their words at face value if you are suspicious of their intent.

When you net her and her new beau they were barely talking right? He sounds like he has had enough of her already.
The fact that she posts negative stuff on FB about her ex is a massive manipulator red flag, never mind the actual accuracy of it.
I suspect she's as jealous as hell.

You say you've known him in a vague way for a long time. This is the time when you rely on your gut feeling rather than the word of someone like her for your happiness.

As a therapist myself I would never, ever counsel a friend in this way, it is totally inappropriate and unethical which your friend should well know if she has undertaken an actual, legit counselling training and is a member of one of the proper regulatory bodies.

Wrt your boyfriend, I don't think I would end what seemed to be a good relationship based on one comment from a person who has a dubious reputation herself. I think that would be a bit hasty.

What I would do is watch and listen very closely and definitely don't rush in to anything more than casually dating at this time, no moving in, no house purchases and definitely no weddings!

It'll all come out in the wash.

thatsmechickenarm I haven’t met her partner - she came on her own to drop the kids off and came in for a cup of tea and a quick chat. She was only there for about half an hour and the chat was all very mundane but she seemed nice enough and her and my partner were being perfectly civil. But obviously it’s easy to be nice for 30 minutes!

I know it’s stupid having a friend as a counsellor. It started off as just normal, friendly chats but then I felt guilty that I was taking up so much of her time and offered to pay her for proper counselling. She wouldn’t take my money as she said it would MN the right to do that so has just been using me for ‘practice’. Which is probably also not very ethical! I’ve been reading some self help books too but I’ve found most of them pretty irritating m. I think the freedom program would probably help a lot having looked into it a bit.

Well it's never wise to ignore any hints of abusive behaviour, but honestly? She sounds like a massive liar. What you've seen on her fb is more evidence of that. I would keep an eye on her profile and see if you can spot posts coming in about him that you KNOW not to be true, because you were with him. Don't move too fast with him, keep your wits about you, but I wouldn't be too concerned.

I would be a little concerned about the lack of boundaries with her, though. If my ex was anything less than perfectly polite and grounded I would not be entertaining a new partner having to meet with them. If things do progress between the two of you, she will likely cause a lot of problems in your relationship.

I am in a very similar position OP. I've been with my new partner for 2 years now and I know him to be loving, kind, we have great sex, he is emotionally supportive, interested in my family and my goals, is a great Dad to his teenager kids and has been kind and supportive with mine etc. His ex has accused him of everything from being a paedophile, rapist, child abuser, hiding money, being professionally incompetent, a drunk etc. etc.

It sounds like you are doing everything right - take it slow. Watch and observe. His kids will tell you more as you get to know them - not as in telling tales - but they can't help but say the truth. My DP's kids have told me things that have horrified me (can't give details as too outing - but more emotional manipulation, lies abuse etc.) 'To me - the whole whole FB slurs and the dramatically holding your hands and saying something nondescript but intending to worry you is pure drama. This is not how frightened and abused women behave.

My biggest sadness is that his ex will always be part of our lives and that is something I have had to come to terms with - I decided he is worth it - but it is definitely a cost. You will have to make the same decision. But I have also helped DP set stronger boundaries and not to engage with the drama. I have made it clear that I can only tolerate so much of this and he needs to protect me from it. If you stay with this guy I think you need to do the same. There is absolutely no reason why teenage children cannot be introduced to a new partner without the ex meeting them first (again - not sure how an abused and terrified ex can demand all this??). The mother needs to come off FB or keep schtum about what she sees. No need to stir the pot. Do not on any account get drawn into the 'rescuer' role - this is your DP's mess and he needs to tidy it up.

Look up the Karpman's drama triangle - it's really helpful - don't get sucked in. Good luck

If your partner is so awful then I wonder why his ex came in for a cup of tea with him?

Problem is on MN it is always the woman who is right and the DP is always making up her craziness.

In my case it really was the ex. She is disturbed and very scary but tried to make out like my DP was this violent awful man. It's ruined his life and almost 8 years and 3 dc in and he is perfect. He's the opposite of violent and we bearly argue. Whereas she has shown herself to be a compulsive attention seeking liar in some really disturbing ways.

So while I do think it is less common, if his behaviour isn't giving you red flags then I would simply proceed with caution.

The only thing that does worry me is that you have been in bad relationships before, and that does make you more vulnerable and more likely to end up with another abusive partner.

It's a very difficult decision to advise on.

Glad to see some balance here. Last few posters agreeing to question ex wife’s balance and motives, as per my comment a while back.

Not all men are secret abusers, and not all women are the abused. Some women are unhinged!

None of us know OP...., But to me there are red flags in the ex’s behaviour that stand out way more to me than your partners behaviour.

It’s also not black and white. Some people can be toxic together.

Good luck!

@MikeUniformMike

She's the psycho ex. You should never believe anything the psycho ex tells you because, obviously, she's a psycho.

He probably diagnosed the psychosis himself.

Head for the nearest hills.

You seem to have missed the bit where ex created a whole fake story on SM about him forgetting their child's birthday and her having to pick up the pieces - when the OP has PROOF that he took child to a theme park for the day. She is doing a pretty good job of fulfilling 'psycho ex' all by herself

I think the fact you have seen she lies about him on SM would kind of prove she's a bit weird and from that one post alone she sounds massively attention seeking. I agree with other posters just keep a look out for signs for now

I'm not sure how it works op but if you had never heard of Claire's law does that mean you have not informed them of your abusive ex??His new partner could also fill in an application and f you dont report it he will come back clean.

louise4745 exdh has a criminal record for ABH against me so any requests would show that up.

@Fudgsicles

Some men do have psycho ex's. My DP does as I know she has stalked me online and is unhinged. Not one person, even someone who is still friends with her, has anything good to say about her and mutual friends and DPs family have finally realised she was abusive and manipulative, they definitely didn't see it before as she is very good at putting on the respectable front. She also told DP she was going to tell me all sorts of 'terrible' things about him. Except they weren't terrible and we already knew about our pasts.

I wouldn't automatically believe her when you have proof that she is full of shit.

You sound frankly, blinkered.

Hardly.

You have to weigh things up with the evidence you have and you proceed with caution in these circumstances

Urgh, this is way too quick and way too intense. You’ve known this man effectively for a very short period of time, yet he’s already working out of your granny flat!

You really need to slow this down and avoid introducing him to your kids until you know him better, whatever is going on with his Ex, it’s drama you don’t need.

How are you OP