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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling conflicted after meeting ex wife

196 replies

OverThinkingUnderDoing · 07/11/2020 17:35

I met a really lovely man several months ago. We started speaking at the beginning of the year and met once but then due to lockdown couldn’t see each other again until July. We’ve seen each other a couple of days a week since then. He has 2dc’s 50% of the time and I have my dc’s pretty much all the time but until recently we hadn’t met kids. I have a granny flat at my house which he stays in to do his work then comes round to mine once kids are asleep/ at school.

He wanted me to meet his kids, more just that they’re teenagers, they’d noticed me accidentally leaving random crap around partners house and were being nosy. Partner and his ex have always said they would want to meet any partners before kids met them. Fair enough.

He split with his ExW several years ago and has been in a couple of longish term relationships since then but neither of them met his kids. He speaks relatively fondly of his two relationships with his most recent partners but really doesn’t like his ExW. She cheated on him and left him for someone else, they were together since school, it took him a year before he could even contemplate seeing anyone else according to him. He claims she is massively manipulative and lies about him on SM, he isn’t friends with her on SM but his mum is and reports things back to him. One thing that happened since we were together is he took one of his dc’s to a theme park for dc’s birthday. His mum then sent him a screenshot of ExW’s post on FB saying ‘can’t believe my ex forgot our youngests birthday. Now I’m going to have to be the one making up for it again and consoling my devastated child’. Partner was definitely at this theme park with his son on his birthday - he sent me several videos of them together so it’s all weird.

Anyway. I met the ExW when she dropped off dc’s at partners house a week ago. She came in for a cup of tea, her and partner were being civil but barely talking but she was nice and chatty to me and seemed perfectly fine. When partner left the room briefly though she grabbed both my hands, looked me dead in the eye and said really quietly and intensely ‘please be careful’. Partner then came back in, she made her way out. Partner obviously noticed something was wrong because as soon as he’d shut the door he said ‘what did she say? What’s she saying about me now?’ I said that she hadn’t said anything, that I was just a bit overwhelmed by it all and we carried on the evening.

But I’ve been in abusive relationships before. If I was to meet a new partner of my exh’s I would say exactly the same thing. But, again, she’s already shown that she can be unnecessarily manipulative. I don’t want to go behind partners back and contact her to explain what she meant. I know if I tell partner what she said then it will just cause trouble which I don’t want either.

I really like this man. We’ve been through some stressful experiences already and he’s not shown himself to be anything other then compassionate and calm. I have had absolutely no concerns at any point about worrying about temper or anything like that. But then maybe she meant be careful about something else? Cheating or lying or something?

My head is such a mess. I wasn’t looking to meet anyone so soon after my marriage ended but he just sort of appeared and is unlike anyone I’ve ever met. I don’t want to lose him because of one thing his ExW said. But then I don’t want to be in an abusive relationship ever again even more.

OP posts:
FenellaVelour · 07/11/2020 22:45

@Covidasaurus

See, what worries me if that you can’t tell Him, and laugh it off.

I think you know what that means. I don’t really believe in the “psycho ex”.

Do you believe in abusive men?
Yawwwwnyyawnson · 07/11/2020 22:45

It would not inform him of your request for Claire’s Lw

Resisterance · 07/11/2020 23:02

My ex is a charming, debonair, successful handsome man. He has also and continues to make my life utterly hellish and that's even with a legal undertaking in place that he's not to contact me or come near me. His current partner thinks I'm an evil witch who's ruining his life.

I have been pleasant and friendly to her on the few occasions I've met her until he realised that she thought I was ok and created a situation to make her think I was nuts (too bizarre and lengthy to go into here) so now I can see that she's totally convinced he's right. He's also great at convincing himself that he's a victim. But he's not. He's a lying, manipulative sociopath.

I imagine I'll get a call from her in about 3 years asking for advice.

Take care!

Resisterance · 07/11/2020 23:07

I registered with the police under Claire's law earlier this year so that others following in my path could benefit from knowing about my experiences. It was too late for me but I hope it might help someone else.

PicsInRed · 07/11/2020 23:08

he isn’t friends with her on SM but his mum is and reports things back to him

I'd end it just for this - apple falling close to a controlling tree. That's every ex's future, right there.

All the rest is what he claims ex says or does. HE says HIS mother watches his ex on SM and reports back. He's a controller and she's probably telling the truth.

BitOfFun · 07/11/2020 23:17

I can't tell one way or the other, tbh, whether either is abusive or whatever, but doesn't it all feel like too much drama? I really couldn't be bothered in your shoes, especially as you have kids to take care of yourself.

Iggypoppie · 07/11/2020 23:21

Proceed with caution, it could be years before an abuse shows their true colours

stroneranger · 07/11/2020 23:31

Putting that comment on facebook suggests she is the problem - even if it were true you would not highlight it to the kids or the world. A normal person would just say that to close friends and to him not broadcast it to the world. She could be the abusive one....

borntohula · 07/11/2020 23:40

Oh this is silly, most people here will want to convince you that you can't trust him (or any man on the planet, for that matter) but if the SM thing is true, which you say you're 99% sure it is, wtf would you believe her? Sounds like shit stirring to me if she loves the drama. Just bloody ask him.

SandyY2K · 08/11/2020 00:44

If his Ex really wrote what she did on SM, then I would not be sure she's being honest.

Even if he did forget the birthday, a sensible mature individual wouldn't post it on FB. The only reason to do that is to cause trouble and if he is/was genuinely abusive (of that's what she's inferring) it would be a very foolish thing to do, knowing it was likely to get back to him.

Posting your private stuff on FB like that, is absolutely not in the best interests of her kids or anyone else. It's just childish.

Sunflower1970 · 08/11/2020 00:46

I think I would follow it up with her.... she sounded genuine ...

BlueThistles · 08/11/2020 01:27

I think I would follow it up with her.... she sounded genuine ..

and was she genuine on Facebook ? despite OP and his Mother confirming He was 100% at the Theme Park with his son... someones lying that's certain 🌺

Flittingaboutagain · 08/11/2020 01:37

I think you need to ask yourself what work have you done to heal from your trauma? Have you done the Freedom Programme?

If the answer is no my guess is you have found someone who makes you feel so special and it's all such a contrast to being unhappy you aren't watching for red flags.

ReneeRol · 08/11/2020 01:46

Normally men who are abusive will claim that all of their exes are crazy/pscho/evil... He's nice and on friendly terms with the other exes so I'd want to know what their opinion is.

It's quite possible that she is everything he says. If he's abusive, she won't be the only one saying that.

JKRowlingforever · 08/11/2020 02:17

@Covidasaurus

See, what worries me if that you can’t tell Him, and laugh it off.

I think you know what that means. I don’t really believe in the “psycho ex”.

This is key. I wouldn't hesitate for even one second to tell my partner what his ex had said.
AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 08/11/2020 02:34

My late DH's ex said a similar thing to me. She had taken me to the late night chemist (long story but I was pregnant and had the flu, she offered to take me I think mainly so she could get me on my own) and was painting a picture of a selfish, lazy, boring man who was not exciting at all, and who was violent to her. What had actually happened was when she left him for another man, she stood in the middle of the street and yelled that the kids weren't his, and he threw a rock at her car. Not her. This was after he caught her in bed with multiple men over the course of a year after finishing work at a different time to usual, and after she had buggered off without the kids, leaving them with this violent, lazy man. She then had no contact with them until they were nearly adults, despite the eldest being in and out of hospital for most of his childhood with a serious congenital heart defect.

DH was a gentle, kind man who never raised a finger to me, more than pulled his weight around the house, was a funny, clever, articulate person and very hard working. She was just worried because he had not had a serious relationship since he divorced her 10 years previously, and was territorial. Our marriage was so happy, and her 'warning' was not needed at all.

By all means be on your guard, but some people like to mess with others' heads.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 08/11/2020 02:36

Forgot to add - DH never said his ex was a psycho or jealous or anything like that. He was blunt about her infidelity and crapness with the kids, but he never told me not to believe her or to be wary of her myself.

Graphista · 08/11/2020 02:55

Honestly?

Either he's dodgy and she was right to warn you

Or

She's dodgy and this is a taste of things to come!

Either way, especially with your own history, you're best off out of it!

Trainers on, head for them there hills!

If he was sbusive, why would she leave her children with him? wow! There speaks someone with zero experience of the family law system wrt abusive men! If you can prove a man abused his partner/spouse but you've no evidence of abusive behaviour actually to the dc its very hard to get them stopped from seeing their kids!

It's also distinctly possible they're both dysfunctional, manipulative lying psychos!

brokencrayons · 08/11/2020 04:41

She married him so knows him better than his own mother. I’d be very wary. The first sniff of any sort of abuse then I’d be off!

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/11/2020 05:00

Can you look up this supposed crazy woman on Facebook yourself? Someone upthread said about a possible fake profile.

MercyBodle · 08/11/2020 05:44

Alarm bells rang for me when you said that

  1. his mum watches the ex on SM and
  2. reports back to her son.
What! And he thinks both those things are okay? Both are very concerning and I'd be very cautious about him.
Dontletitbeyou · 08/11/2020 06:31

I hadn’t considered contacting one of his more recent ex’s. That’s a possibility

Personally, once you get to this stage I think it’s probably time to walk the other way . The early days of a relationship are meant to be fun , not investing time and effort in trying to discover what , if any , negatives he has .
Maybe his ex is the psycho , maybe it’s him, but either way a relationship with him is going to involve having them both in your life (as in she is still a part of his and his DC lives). Sounds like hard work

Sally2791 · 08/11/2020 06:50

I have been tempted to warn my ex’s new gf in exactly that way, but I know I will have been painted as the psycho ex. I just hope she will suss him out years before I did. Some of these men are so subtle and insidious in their abuse.
I would do some police checks without telling him, try to speak with other exs and keep your wits about you.

Iwonder08 · 08/11/2020 06:59

OP, you met a woman once. You do know she deliberately publicly lied about your partner and you saw an evidence of that. Now you are searching for police records just because this woman who you don't really know told you to be careful. That is exactly a sort of thing she should have said in order to mess with you and cause him problems.
Wait and form your own opinion. Given your previous experience you will probably notice any signs of abuse pretty early.

Palaver1 · 08/11/2020 07:25

She’s got you here.
You have to work this one out by yourself.
Only you can sort this out.
You are going through a difficult time e at the moment make sure your judgment isn’t clouded.
You’ll be wary rightly so .I have no doubt you’ll be able to tell if his right or wrong.
All the best I do hope you get to the right conclusion sooner than later