Feeling conflicted after meeting ex wife

[OverThinkingUnderDoing]

I met a really lovely man several months ago. We started speaking at the beginning of the year and met once but then due to lockdown couldn’t see each other again until July. We’ve seen each other a couple of days a week since then. He has 2dc’s 50% of the time and I have my dc’s pretty much all the time but until recently we hadn’t met kids. I have a granny flat at my house which he stays in to do his work then comes round to mine once kids are asleep/ at school.

He wanted me to meet his kids, more just that they’re teenagers, they’d noticed me accidentally leaving random crap around partners house and were being nosy. Partner and his ex have always said they would want to meet any partners before kids met them. Fair enough.

He split with his ExW several years ago and has been in a couple of longish term relationships since then but neither of them met his kids. He speaks relatively fondly of his two relationships with his most recent partners but really doesn’t like his ExW. She cheated on him and left him for someone else, they were together since school, it took him a year before he could even contemplate seeing anyone else according to him. He claims she is massively manipulative and lies about him on SM, he isn’t friends with her on SM but his mum is and reports things back to him. One thing that happened since we were together is he took one of his dc’s to a theme park for dc’s birthday. His mum then sent him a screenshot of ExW’s post on FB saying ‘can’t believe my ex forgot our youngests birthday. Now I’m going to have to be the one making up for it again and consoling my devastated child’. Partner was definitely at this theme park with his son on his birthday - he sent me several videos of them together so it’s all weird.

Anyway. I met the ExW when she dropped off dc’s at partners house a week ago. She came in for a cup of tea, her and partner were being civil but barely talking but she was nice and chatty to me and seemed perfectly fine. When partner left the room briefly though she grabbed both my hands, looked me dead in the eye and said really quietly and intensely ‘please be careful’. Partner then came back in, she made her way out. Partner obviously noticed something was wrong because as soon as he’d shut the door he said ‘what did she say? What’s she saying about me now?’ I said that she hadn’t said anything, that I was just a bit overwhelmed by it all and we carried on the evening.

But I’ve been in abusive relationships before. If I was to meet a new partner of my exh’s I would say exactly the same thing. But, again, she’s already shown that she can be unnecessarily manipulative. I don’t want to go behind partners back and contact her to explain what she meant. I know if I tell partner what she said then it will just cause trouble which I don’t want either.

I really like this man. We’ve been through some stressful experiences already and he’s not shown himself to be anything other then compassionate and calm. I have had absolutely no concerns at any point about worrying about temper or anything like that. But then maybe she meant be careful about something else? Cheating or lying or something?

My head is such a mess. I wasn’t looking to meet anyone so soon after my marriage ended but he just sort of appeared and is unlike anyone I’ve ever met. I don’t want to lose him because of one thing his ExW said. But then I don’t want to be in an abusive relationship ever again even more.

I'm torn. It seems she can be manipulative. However I've witnessed my ex bil being able to very convincingly present the idea that my dsis was manipulative and psychotic when she most definitely is not. The truth is that he abused her for 2 decades and continues to do so via their children now they are split. If i could ever be in a relevant situation with his new partner I'd love to be able to nicely warn her of what's to come.

Sounds like a lot of drama

He wants you to meet his kids? Ask how the birthday trip to theme park was. That'll tell you.

With the info you've given tho I would be wary of her not him. If he was scrolling through his photos openly in front of you then surely ha can't be lying? Look at the photos yourself, see the time stamps

I would be taking what she said to you seriously. Sounds like you don't want to though.

From a professional point of view, she has been caught in a lie once already about the birthday and theme park visit. People who lie once tend to keep on lying - that's what they do. Then she warns you - somebody she has never met before but who is obviously making her ex happy. Do you think she means you well? I mean if she really wanted to warn you she could have surely managed to catch up with you to say it. Now I could email you and tell you dreadful things about your partner but would you believe me? (No idea who your partner is of course.) Evidence has to be carefully weighed and I'd find her statement of very dubious probative value. Meanwhile you have known your partner for some time and he has never given you cause for concern. That is very suggestive that his ex-wife is not telling the truth. I'd be wondering about the need for meeting partners before introducing to older children too - she could have engineered that intending to do what she has just done. If it was me, I'd ignore her comments and certainly not contact her for "further details". So far your partner had proved nice and truthful and she has not but you're giving her melodramatic words more credence than they deserve. Your partner deserves better.

Why is she openly posting things about him on Facebook slagging him off knowing she has his mum on there? Probably because she hates him and his mum and knows full well mum will send him screenshots to try and wind him up. I think she's manipulative. If she was genuinely scared of him, why would she post things that are seemingly false online about him, because surely that could trigger a dangerous reaction from him? I wouldn't go back to her for info, but definitely maybe one of his more recent exes. Has he said why the other 2 relationships ended?

So he’s got an ex who’s supposedly nuts, a mum who stalks her and you can’t mention something said to you to him ? Run for the hills. If it’s this much drama so early on it’s not going to end well. You barely know him.

Honestly I've posted about my ex on social media when I've been at my wits end about his behaviour i know he has flying monkeys on there and they will absolutely tell him what I've said he hates people knowing what he is really like

This would certainly unsettle me too OP. It could be that she's just trying to cause problems between you - but that would be a weird way to do it, I think?

Definitely tread carefully. Definitely do your Clare's law application.

Personally I'd be tempted to contact her for a chat too.

Can you the the properties on the theme park videos and find out where they were taken?

I wouldn’t be annoyed trying to get properties on videos or anything.

It all seems a lot of drama on reflection. And I don’t like how he’s inserted himself into the granny flat.

I’d walk now op.

I can see why you are confused about what to make of this.

One thing I would advise is the next time you want to say 'no' to your new bf, not for the sake of it, but just the next time you naturally genuinely want to say no to something he wants you to do, or not to do, just say no and see where you are then.

Often, people who have an abusive relationship behind them (and I am in this group) we aren't even conscious of the fact that we're just that bit too accommodating.

Yeh, the granny flat must suit him DOWN TO THE GROUND.
He has landed on his feet there.
Could you not be renting that out?

what is the professional point of view @Rangoon?

Abusive men can keep their personality well under wraps until they have more control - at the moment OP doesn’t even live with him. There are women who don’t feel their partners are abusive - until they get married or become pregnant.

There are also abusive men who are never physically violent, his ex may not be scared of him now she is free of his psychological control and can see clearly.

Or, she might not be telling the truth at all.

Something just doesn’t sound quite right. It is a coincidence that he sent videos of himself at theme park to OP. Is that normal behaviour for him, when she hasn’t even met his child?

And making a thing of scrolling back through to find the video to check the day. Why bother, as he’d remember full well.

And his mum taking screen shots... it just all sounds a bit weird.

What was the relationship like in the beginning, with you OP? Was it fast moving and very romantic, or more of a slow burn start?

Hope you're ok, OP.

I don’t like how he’s inserted himself into the granny flat.

The OP has done this because it suits her...him not being in her house with the kids overnight from what I understand, as he hasn't met them.

I didn't see any suggestion that it was his idea.

She's also said he has his own place, he's not sofa surfing or homeless.

Oh I see you believe you've already said no to him.

Was that before or after he got a key to the granny flat?

It's moving fast and not being able to ''pace'' love bombers and slow things down is a symptom of co-dependency and/or people who've been in abusive relationships.

This happened to me a good bit, even though I waited five years to date after abusive relationship. I knew how I wanted to be treated in theory (ie, well! with respect!) but I didn't know how to slow things down when men were rushing me.

So what happened was, they rushed me and then when they got what they wanted and dumped me, or worse, they turned out to be be very hard to break it off with.

Slow things down and don't let him get too comfortable in the granny flat. Does he have a key?

The fact that his mother is his 'snoop' is incredibly off-putting. It's horrible for the grandchildren. She is anything but a peacemaker or rock of support. Who knows if the ex-wife is bona fide or a nut? What is clear here is that shitstirring and drama both seem to be the order of the day.
And he's got it cushy in the granny flat.

Both DH and I are 'seconds'. I was married before (1 DC), so was DH (no DC). One of the most attractive things about DH was that he didn't talk shit about his ex-wife. She was an important part of his life, a significant part of it and that will always be the case. Marriages end and end badly. But there are many loving years spent with these very important people and they deserve to have some dignity left in tact after the visciousness of divorce. I really wouldn't want to be with someone always bitching about his manipulative ex. It reeks of a man who cannot take responsibility for his own actions. A blameless man. And NOBODY is blameless in divorce.

the Ex sounds bitterly unstable who uses Facebook as a weapon... no wonder he doesn't use it ... She's has been caught out publicly lying on FB and yet still gets to call Him all sorts... sorry but I wouldn't trust she had your best interests at heart OP 🌺

If my oh ex did this it would’ve been a complete load of bs designed to hurt him.

Some psycho exes really are psychos.

If he were that awful, would she even come in for a coffee?

I fucking wouldn’t!

I do have a background with former abuse, I’m tuned to it and not a single red flag of any description whereas SHE has deliberately hurt their dd to get to him, ultimately destroying their relationship.

Be cautious op, but at this level in a relationship you should be anyway, take the comment with a pinch of salt but lodge it anyway and continue to evaluate

@Flittingaboutagain

I think you need to ask yourself what work have you done to heal from your trauma? Have you done the Freedom Programme?

If the answer is no my guess is you have found someone who makes you feel so special and it's all such a contrast to being unhappy you aren't watching for red flags.

Completely agree with this.

Oh and those of us who fall victim to abusers are often trained to do so by a dysfunctional upbringing, so his mother being a shit stirrer doesn’t surprise me at all.

My oh mother is a whole other level of bs.

As is mine to be honest :)

In my experience, the only way to heal from an abusive relationship is to work hard on understanding abuse, why you were vulnerable to it and then slowly and surely learn through having relationships and walking the walk.

Mumsnet has threads to help with the abuse recovery. I’d steer clear of the dating thread though.

They sound like a right pair, and still deeply enmeshed in a toxic dynamic.
For him to only take a year to recover enough to start a new relationship whilst also having 50 50 care of his children and rebuilding his life sounds quick to me.
Take her advice and take a step back.