Feeling conflicted after meeting ex wife

[OverThinkingUnderDoing]

I met a really lovely man several months ago. We started speaking at the beginning of the year and met once but then due to lockdown couldn’t see each other again until July. We’ve seen each other a couple of days a week since then. He has 2dc’s 50% of the time and I have my dc’s pretty much all the time but until recently we hadn’t met kids. I have a granny flat at my house which he stays in to do his work then comes round to mine once kids are asleep/ at school.

He wanted me to meet his kids, more just that they’re teenagers, they’d noticed me accidentally leaving random crap around partners house and were being nosy. Partner and his ex have always said they would want to meet any partners before kids met them. Fair enough.

He split with his ExW several years ago and has been in a couple of longish term relationships since then but neither of them met his kids. He speaks relatively fondly of his two relationships with his most recent partners but really doesn’t like his ExW. She cheated on him and left him for someone else, they were together since school, it took him a year before he could even contemplate seeing anyone else according to him. He claims she is massively manipulative and lies about him on SM, he isn’t friends with her on SM but his mum is and reports things back to him. One thing that happened since we were together is he took one of his dc’s to a theme park for dc’s birthday. His mum then sent him a screenshot of ExW’s post on FB saying ‘can’t believe my ex forgot our youngests birthday. Now I’m going to have to be the one making up for it again and consoling my devastated child’. Partner was definitely at this theme park with his son on his birthday - he sent me several videos of them together so it’s all weird.

Anyway. I met the ExW when she dropped off dc’s at partners house a week ago. She came in for a cup of tea, her and partner were being civil but barely talking but she was nice and chatty to me and seemed perfectly fine. When partner left the room briefly though she grabbed both my hands, looked me dead in the eye and said really quietly and intensely ‘please be careful’. Partner then came back in, she made her way out. Partner obviously noticed something was wrong because as soon as he’d shut the door he said ‘what did she say? What’s she saying about me now?’ I said that she hadn’t said anything, that I was just a bit overwhelmed by it all and we carried on the evening.

But I’ve been in abusive relationships before. If I was to meet a new partner of my exh’s I would say exactly the same thing. But, again, she’s already shown that she can be unnecessarily manipulative. I don’t want to go behind partners back and contact her to explain what she meant. I know if I tell partner what she said then it will just cause trouble which I don’t want either.

I really like this man. We’ve been through some stressful experiences already and he’s not shown himself to be anything other then compassionate and calm. I have had absolutely no concerns at any point about worrying about temper or anything like that. But then maybe she meant be careful about something else? Cheating or lying or something?

My head is such a mess. I wasn’t looking to meet anyone so soon after my marriage ended but he just sort of appeared and is unlike anyone I’ve ever met. I don’t want to lose him because of one thing his ExW said. But then I don’t want to be in an abusive relationship ever again even more.

A second vote for a Claire’s law disclosure request to police - he won’t find out.

Thing is with SM you can make anything look the way you want. He took his kid to a theme park the week before and said nothing. On the actual birthday he didn't bother but knowing it would be called by his ex sent you the videos taken the week before. Likely his mother knows nothing about it. Abusers tend to put on a front in front of their family.

I'm not saying this is what happened, but just to point out it's a very real possibility.

I would be asking yourself why he felt the need to show you his mothers screenshot when you are not friends with her nor would you question as he sent you the videos. However I am cynical as I have been in absuive relationships and friendships in the past where they have covered their tracks well by doing stuff like this.

In reality if I met the current partner of my ex's I would say the same as she did to you. The fact you haven't told him and laughed it off indicates that subconsciously at least you've taken something from his ex's words that has unsettled you.

In reality with lockdown you haven't known each other that long. Meeting up has been really since June which would give you about six months. Absuers are good at hiding there true selves for the first year or so so in your shoes I would tread warily and keep your eyes open if your not ready to end it, and would reach out the ex if you do feel more unsure to find out what she meant. In the meantime don't let him your kids until you are absolutly sure either way. Best of luck OP hope it all works out for you

How well do you really know this guy? How does he react when you don't want to do something, disagree with him, don't share his views etc?

@MushMonster

Ignore her, she wants to stir you. If he was sbusive, why would she leave her children with him? You also got a clear example of her plainly lying about him. So judge what you can see, your own gut instint. And if she does something like this again, just grab her hands back, look at her in the eye and say "I know! He is so charming and handsome that I cannot stop myself falling so deep for him. I am so happy that my hearts hurt sometimes" . She will never ever do it again

Just because a man is abusive towards his wife, that doesn't mean he then can't see his children.

I also wouldn't automatically believe her. Women are as capable of being as manipulative as men are. And you have seen proof of her lies already. She's sown the seeds of doubt though, so I'd be inclined to ask her to clarify what she meant. If she goes all coy then I'd draw the conclusion that she is just shit stirring. I'd also be inclined to speak to his ex girlfriends if the ex wife elaborates and gives you cause for concern, but you'd need to tell him first what ex wife has said. If everything ended amicably, he shouldn't have a problem with you checking, in the light of what ex wife has accused him of. A reasonable man should 'get' that a woman needs to be careful.

Do a Clares law application contact your local Police Force and ask them to take you through it. She might be stirring the pot I'm know my brothers ex wife tells people all sorts about him as she's a manipulative witch who controlled him for years until she cheated on him and thankfully they split up. But then again she maybe knows something you don't and isn't the psycho ex she's been painted as.

Please be careful. She may or may not be the slightly crazy ex. The fact that you felt unable to divulge what she said proves you are on your guard.

Police. Clare’s law. Good luck.

I don’t think the fact she lets him see the children is indicative of her being manipulative. Look at all the posts on here of abusive men who are ‘amazing dads.

You’ve been together for such a short time and he seems to have an awful lot of baggage around him. I’d be wary for that reason alone - this is supposed to be the fun part, and you’re already sucked into his dramas.

I have definitely said no to him about a few things before and he’s not reacted badly in the slightest. I’m hyper aware of it due to exh and have genuinely seen no signs whatsoever. The reason I didn’t mention it at the time was more that I didn’t want to upset him when his kids were there. I don’t think he’d have caused a scene or anything. He have have obviously been upset if it was complete bullshit designed to make me question things though and I didn’t want any tension at all on the first time I met his dc’s.

I will look into Claire’s law/ Sarah’s law though. Thank you, I didn’t realise that was a thing. I’ll also mention it to him tomorrow and see what he says and how he reacts. I think maybe part of the reason I haven’t mentioned is it that I really don’t want it to be true. Hopefully his reaction will make things a bit clearer though.

I don’t think access to kids is any indication whatsoever of whether men are abusive or not. It’s really bloody hard to stop an abusive ex having contact with their kids. They do share 50/50 contact though and the kids are at an age where they quite often just wander between the two houses. I think that’s probably a good sign.

Imo do a police check firstly... My exh did indeed have 2 crazy exes. Best bit of Ltb was knowing I never had to deal with them.
My first exh is still perfect in the eyes fo all who know him - except me and our dc... People are good at hiding their true self.
You have seen his ex firsthand. Unless hand on heart there are red flags in your relationship I would push her ramblings to one side for now. Meeting dc will keep you on the ball anyway I imagine. Be honest with yourself about how that goes.

I wouldn't tell him you're checking up on him.

I would speak to the police and then I'd speak to her again, on her own, without telling him. I'd ask for verification from someone else before making a decision.

Then I would tell him.

I have had absolutely no concerns at any point about worrying about temper or anything like that.

There's much more to abuse than that, though. Someone could commit extreme coercive control without any of the manufactured "rage".

If a woman took me aside and told me to be careful years after her and the ex split I would listen. I worry given your going through a messy divorce that after only a few months you have already got this man at your home staying overnight at your DC home and working in the granny flat. I think you need to slow down. Sort out your divorce first, put your DC first and then take a breath before jumping in feet first into relationship and getting your DC involved. I never understand why people cant take there time during a split and focus on what matters there DC and supporting them through it. Getting some stability and then perhaps start dating and wait a while before them meeting the DC.

@litterbird

Just have your wits about you. I met a calm, charming man several years ago. A true gentleman. I got a text from a random number by one of his exes giving me a stark warning about him. I forwarded the text to my then boyfriend confused about it. He then painted a picture of this woman being a psycho ex, blah blah. 6 months later I had get the police involved, he turned out just as his ex had told me.

Exactly.

@SweetCruciferous

Take it slow with him and keep your eyes and ears open.

That.

You've hardly had any time to really get to know the man so be careful. His ex wife may be a psycho ex but - she may not.

My ex. Aver ever lost his temper.

He was absolutely brilliant at destroying me without raising his voice.

The fact he sent you pcs doesn’t mean he was there that day at that time.

Just tread warily.

@MushMonster

Ignore her, she wants to stir you. If he was sbusive, why would she leave her children with him? You also got a clear example of her plainly lying about him. So judge what you can see, your own gut instint. And if she does something like this again, just grab her hands back, look at her in the eye and say "I know! He is so charming and handsome that I cannot stop myself falling so deep for him. I am so happy that my hearts hurt sometimes" . She will never ever do it again

My ex hit my eldest child and then me. He lost contact with the eldest one -as he chose not to go for it in court.

He got supervised access to the younger two -one eventually went to court to stop at aged 11. Youngest still sees him.

Seriously. He had supervised access to start with then overnight, he is never allowed to have her for more than 6 nights in a row but he still has access.

My barrister is currently representing a female barrister who was stabbed by her male barrister husband -who is seeking access to the children.

I had to send my children to be low level neglected. It was never enough to stop contact. I lost on court.

Him having contact is such a low bar.

I wouldn't go running to tell him! If he is really abusive, he'll find a way to take it out on her, which isn't fair after she's taken a risk to tip you off.

Agree with Clare's law suggestions in the first instance.

She may be making it up, but I'd like to think most women wouldn't make up something like that. Do some digging first - if it's possible to contact her outside of your partner, try that too. Is she on social media, for example, even if you don't have her phone number?

I'd ask her to meet me privately for more information.

It takes a long time to really get to know someone though. I was with my emotionally abusive narcistic ex for about 10 years, and lived with him for about 8 years and all seemed fine pre children. It was not until we had a child that I saw what a selfish bullying shit he actually is. Good luck OP

I bet my bottom dollar the reason why the ex W "insists" on meeting her ex's partners is to try to warn them. I'd most definitely arrange to meet with her to hear her out.