Feeling conflicted after meeting ex wife

[OverThinkingUnderDoing]

I met a really lovely man several months ago. We started speaking at the beginning of the year and met once but then due to lockdown couldn’t see each other again until July. We’ve seen each other a couple of days a week since then. He has 2dc’s 50% of the time and I have my dc’s pretty much all the time but until recently we hadn’t met kids. I have a granny flat at my house which he stays in to do his work then comes round to mine once kids are asleep/ at school.

He wanted me to meet his kids, more just that they’re teenagers, they’d noticed me accidentally leaving random crap around partners house and were being nosy. Partner and his ex have always said they would want to meet any partners before kids met them. Fair enough.

He split with his ExW several years ago and has been in a couple of longish term relationships since then but neither of them met his kids. He speaks relatively fondly of his two relationships with his most recent partners but really doesn’t like his ExW. She cheated on him and left him for someone else, they were together since school, it took him a year before he could even contemplate seeing anyone else according to him. He claims she is massively manipulative and lies about him on SM, he isn’t friends with her on SM but his mum is and reports things back to him. One thing that happened since we were together is he took one of his dc’s to a theme park for dc’s birthday. His mum then sent him a screenshot of ExW’s post on FB saying ‘can’t believe my ex forgot our youngests birthday. Now I’m going to have to be the one making up for it again and consoling my devastated child’. Partner was definitely at this theme park with his son on his birthday - he sent me several videos of them together so it’s all weird.

Anyway. I met the ExW when she dropped off dc’s at partners house a week ago. She came in for a cup of tea, her and partner were being civil but barely talking but she was nice and chatty to me and seemed perfectly fine. When partner left the room briefly though she grabbed both my hands, looked me dead in the eye and said really quietly and intensely ‘please be careful’. Partner then came back in, she made her way out. Partner obviously noticed something was wrong because as soon as he’d shut the door he said ‘what did she say? What’s she saying about me now?’ I said that she hadn’t said anything, that I was just a bit overwhelmed by it all and we carried on the evening.

But I’ve been in abusive relationships before. If I was to meet a new partner of my exh’s I would say exactly the same thing. But, again, she’s already shown that she can be unnecessarily manipulative. I don’t want to go behind partners back and contact her to explain what she meant. I know if I tell partner what she said then it will just cause trouble which I don’t want either.

I really like this man. We’ve been through some stressful experiences already and he’s not shown himself to be anything other then compassionate and calm. I have had absolutely no concerns at any point about worrying about temper or anything like that. But then maybe she meant be careful about something else? Cheating or lying or something?

My head is such a mess. I wasn’t looking to meet anyone so soon after my marriage ended but he just sort of appeared and is unlike anyone I’ve ever met. I don’t want to lose him because of one thing his ExW said. But then I don’t want to be in an abusive relationship ever again even more.

She could be warning you he hasn’t got the money you have; he could be mortgaged to the hilt even with a stable job. Some men target women with money while pretending its not important to them.

So . . .the ex posted that he had forgotten the DCs birthday. And then he went back through his phone "to check" the time he had been at the Theme park.

Wouldn't he just have said to you "but I took DC to the Theme Park for their birthday." Why did he have to check?

So . . .the ex posted that he had forgotten the DCs birthday. And then he went back through his phone "to check" the time he had been at the Theme park.

Wouldn't he just have said to you "but I took DC to the Theme Park for their birthday." Why did he have to check?

Im thinking he probably didn't do the trip on the actual birthday and was checking the exact date.

I still think posting what she did on SM is a reflection of her character and of who she is.

Doing that is just to make him look like a useless dad/bad to all your friends on FB and make you look like your seeking sympathy/playing the victim.

If a man posted similar....a lot would be said about him.

Ex wife sounds like the one to be careful of. She’s proven form for lying and cheating and likely spun a story to current partner, she’s acting out in front of ‘warning you’. She sounds like a drama queen.

You mentioned you didn’t see 🚩? I see a couple:

1/ he's not a partner. He’s someone you’ve been dating for months

2/ he's already working and living in your house. You say it’s your decision, but if he’s manipulating you... it’s a “decision” you got coerced into without even realising it, I wouldn’t give any man I’ve known less than a year such free access to any part of my property - and you have young children too!?

3/. You describe him as intelligent. Why would an intelligent person who knows his ex is manipulative and will attempt to sabotage future relationships CONTINUE to allow her to screen/vet people he’s dating? That’s just insane. From his reaction, she’s done it before. The only scenario I can think of is that he thinks he can out manipulate her and he enjoys the challenge of letting her warn you but getting you to believe him.

It actually doesn’t matter if she’s the crazy ex or not. What MATTERS and what the big crazy red flag is — he didn’t keep her away from you.

Exactly! Why was he checking when he’d been to the theme park?

Many of us here are “psycho exes”. There are also many past posts saying “ex has a new girlfriend, but he was physically and emotionally abusive. Do I tell her?” and being told it’s not their place.

Have you considered using Claire’s Law to check if anything officially went on record?

Dixit- it's pretty obvious isn't it about why I have a professional point of view. Suffered through the law of evidence at university and use it almost every work day since though, blessedly, not in family law. I'm not saying the OP shouldn't be cautious but wrecking the relationship on the say so of a bitter ex-wife seems excessively cautious. I firmly believe though that women should protect their assets and income stream. My own assets are firmly secured in my name alone even though I've been married 27 years or so and my husband has been supportive and honourable in all that time.

I'd have to message her privately and ask her to clarify.
I tried to warn my ex new girlfriend, just sent her a message saying I wasnt trying to upset anyone but that a Claire's law check would be a good idea as she has children etc. Got called a psycho and a lot of other nasty words too.

Worse case scenario you've got an abusive man on your hands, best case you've got a messy divorce with a lying ex. Not sure I'd want to be in even the best case situation there tbh.

Why on earth would someone tell their new boyfriend about an ex’s warning??!! Someone earlier in thread even forwarded the warning text! You could be putting them in danger if it’s true! If it’s not true, you’ll soon find out. She might be doing you a big favour. Telling him what was said to you privately would only make him be extra careful re masking. Of course a couple of years “in” or when you are totally sure you could mention it. But otherwise silence and observation is the way to go. Plus clairs law as people have mentioned

OP you really need to address this one way or another ... so many of us believe Him and so many of us believe Her.. so for a peaceful nights sleep can you find out one way or the other .... for yourself and for mumsnet 🌺

If his kids are teenagers surely they can confirm whether they were at a theme park on their actual birthday this year?

If his kids are teenagers surely they can confirm whether they were at a theme park on their actual birthday this year?

yes and OP did explain he was actually at the Theme Park with the Son.. when she posted it on FB ... very weird

If he was so awful he wouldn't have introduced her to you or left you alone together.

@picosandsancerre

If a woman took me aside and told me to be careful years after her and the ex split I would listen. I worry given your going through a messy divorce that after only a few months you have already got this man at your home staying overnight at your DC home and working in the granny flat. I think you need to slow down. Sort out your divorce first, put your DC first and then take a breath before jumping in feet first into relationship and getting your DC involved. I never understand why people cant take there time during a split and focus on what matters there DC and supporting them through it. Getting some stability and then perhaps start dating and wait a while before them meeting the DC.

THIS

When I started reading your post OP, I thought it was going to be a case if the Ex sabotaging your relationship because although she’s got someone new, she’s still territorial over her ex. I’ve seen this happen.

His kids are teens, you’ve now met them. Why not ask about the outings next time you see them? You’ll also be able to see first hand how often he sees his kids and their dynamic.

As for his mother still having the EXW on FB, it may be a way of keeping in touch to know about the kids. But completely wrong for his DM to feed back to him. I have a brother who to meet I consider dead to me because he went off in me for posting something funny about Trump (brother is brain washed trump supporter). I’d hidden his posts from my feed do as not to see. My DH would tell me what rubbish my brother would post and finally after many repeated reminders from me that I don’t want to know what brother posts, it has finally stopped by DH. Sometimes this happens.

Take the warning to give you extra time to look and observe. Also, if the EXW his psycho, as their kids are teens, it won’t be all that many years when she’ll be out of the picture as regards visitation and even maintenance (which your BF could choose to give directly to kids after 18 and cut her out if the picture).

If you really feel for this guy and otherwise would not have suspected a thing, be wary, check him out and go slow. Make up your own mind.

id feel torn about this. Obviously its wise to keep alert and not be blindsided by him wooing you, but also im never impressed with people who slag off their exes publically on social media - especially if they have kids together. It makes me think they court drama

@BalloonSlayer

So . . .the ex posted that he had forgotten the DCs birthday. And then he went back through his phone "to check" the time he had been at the Theme park.

Wouldn't he just have said to you "but I took DC to the Theme Park for their birthday." Why did he have to check?

I may have done that too just to prove I'm not lying, particularly if I have an ex who always accuses me of lying!

I may have done that too just to prove I'm not lying, particularly if I have an ex who always accuses me of lying!

I would have too..

Think you need to be cautious as anyone should be with a new person so close in their lives. However, this woman lies, and this may be another lie, so whilst be wary, don't let it be something she's trying to actively do to screw up his world when perhaps he's genuinely a nice bloke.

It sounds like you're moving slowly anyway, so just enjoy him but look out for signs

As for Claire's Law and Sarah's law, if you've already been through problems before it's always good to make sure you're not walking into a similar situation - I hope he's genuinely nice and the ex is the problem

Just to be clear he hasn’t moved into the granny flat at all - I live about 45 minute drive from him so if he comes over for an evening it’s too far to get a taxi back if he’s had a drink so he stays in the granny flat as I’m he hasn’t met my kids yet, I don’t want him falling asleep here as they sometimes wander into my bedroom at night. He doesn’t have a key either - I just give him one when he’s here’s. I certainly couldn’t rent it out, granny flat makes it sound a bit grander than it is really. It’s basically an old farm building that was converted into an office for ex Dh with an en-suite loo. When we first had a trial separation he stuck a sofa bed in there as well as a desk. It’s not like he’s staying over in great luxury .

WRT social media, not sure why his mum has her as a friend of FB. I’ll ask him though. She obviously knows that she would report back to dh as I think anyone would if someone said similar about their child.

When he sent me the video of the theme park it was because it was absolute thunder and lightning that day, half the rides were shut but they were still managing to have fun. It was just one jokey video rather than lots of ‘here we are, honest’ type things. In fact thinking about the weather it must’ve been that day as I’d messaged saying that he’d picked a grim day for it.

I’ve done a Claire’s Law application. I’m not sure how long it will take as we live in different policing areas. I’m not going to say anything until after that’s come back and just continue to try and be alert to things as possible.

I haven’t done the Freedom Program but a good friend of mine is a counsellor and we’re doing a counselling and yoga session once a week. Although that will have to go back to phone calls during lockdown again. She told me to not look for a relationship until a year or so had passed after dh and I split. I’ve told her all about partner and we’ve talked about this situation too. She’s very much of the ‘use your intuition and be careful’ school of though. Apologies for using the term ‘partner’ I know it’s not really accurate. I just feel too old to say ‘boyfriend’ and ‘man who I’m shagging who stays in my granny flat and might be a psycho but also might just have a nutty ex’ takes too long to type out each time.

Sorry, loads of typos in the last post

Sounds like you’re keeping your eyes open for warning signs @OverThinkingUnderDoing. Just a suggestion though - it might be better to invest in doing some therapy with an uninterested third party than with a friend who is a counsellor.

OP you're doing all the right things.. good luck