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Original poster

Feeling conflicted after meeting ex wife

196 replies

OverThinkingUnderDoing · 07/11/2020 17:35

I met a really lovely man several months ago. We started speaking at the beginning of the year and met once but then due to lockdown couldn’t see each other again until July. We’ve seen each other a couple of days a week since then. He has 2dc’s 50% of the time and I have my dc’s pretty much all the time but until recently we hadn’t met kids. I have a granny flat at my house which he stays in to do his work then comes round to mine once kids are asleep/ at school.

He wanted me to meet his kids, more just that they’re teenagers, they’d noticed me accidentally leaving random crap around partners house and were being nosy. Partner and his ex have always said they would want to meet any partners before kids met them. Fair enough.

He split with his ExW several years ago and has been in a couple of longish term relationships since then but neither of them met his kids. He speaks relatively fondly of his two relationships with his most recent partners but really doesn’t like his ExW. She cheated on him and left him for someone else, they were together since school, it took him a year before he could even contemplate seeing anyone else according to him. He claims she is massively manipulative and lies about him on SM, he isn’t friends with her on SM but his mum is and reports things back to him. One thing that happened since we were together is he took one of his dc’s to a theme park for dc’s birthday. His mum then sent him a screenshot of ExW’s post on FB saying ‘can’t believe my ex forgot our youngests birthday. Now I’m going to have to be the one making up for it again and consoling my devastated child’. Partner was definitely at this theme park with his son on his birthday - he sent me several videos of them together so it’s all weird.

Anyway. I met the ExW when she dropped off dc’s at partners house a week ago. She came in for a cup of tea, her and partner were being civil but barely talking but she was nice and chatty to me and seemed perfectly fine. When partner left the room briefly though she grabbed both my hands, looked me dead in the eye and said really quietly and intensely ‘please be careful’. Partner then came back in, she made her way out. Partner obviously noticed something was wrong because as soon as he’d shut the door he said ‘what did she say? What’s she saying about me now?’ I said that she hadn’t said anything, that I was just a bit overwhelmed by it all and we carried on the evening.

But I’ve been in abusive relationships before. If I was to meet a new partner of my exh’s I would say exactly the same thing. But, again, she’s already shown that she can be unnecessarily manipulative. I don’t want to go behind partners back and contact her to explain what she meant. I know if I tell partner what she said then it will just cause trouble which I don’t want either.

I really like this man. We’ve been through some stressful experiences already and he’s not shown himself to be anything other then compassionate and calm. I have had absolutely no concerns at any point about worrying about temper or anything like that. But then maybe she meant be careful about something else? Cheating or lying or something?

My head is such a mess. I wasn’t looking to meet anyone so soon after my marriage ended but he just sort of appeared and is unlike anyone I’ve ever met. I don’t want to lose him because of one thing his ExW said. But then I don’t want to be in an abusive relationship ever again even more.

OP posts:
Weetabixandcrumpets · 07/11/2020 19:43

Watching with interest.

In what way is he 'unlike anyone you have met before'?

MrDarcysMa · 07/11/2020 19:50

I'm wondering why you couldn't tell him what happened/ what she said.

WeeMadArthur · 07/11/2020 19:53

Be careful and don’t put yourself in a position where you are reliant on him or where it’s difficult to walk away. I’d hold off on him meeting your children as well.

Bookriddle · 07/11/2020 19:54

@Nothavingfunrightnow

Both the ex and the man in question agreed to meet partners before kids

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 07/11/2020 20:06

His mum then sent him a screenshot of ExW’s post on FB saying ‘can’t believe my ex forgot our youngests birthday. Now I’m going to have to be the one making up for it again and consoling my devastated child’.

Did he show you the screenshot in question, or just tell you about it?

chocorabbit · 07/11/2020 20:07

Do you have proof about what his ex allegedly said about him not attending DC's birthday? Could he have made it up?

Sorehandsandfeet · 07/11/2020 20:17

Please take it slowly with this man. It concerns me that he already painted her as crazy and a liar before you met her. You were set up to doubt her word from the beginning. Did the stories about her begin around the time you agreed to meet ex partner's before children?
The theme park pictures could have been during any day but shown to.you when it suited his 'she lies' narrative.
To you he seems calm and lovely. You are recently out of an abusive relationship. Abusers can sniff out the vulnerable. He has to portray a man worth pleasing for a certain amount of time before showing himself. Abusers need you to not leave them.
Of course, she could be a crazy liar, he could be wonderful. But you need to be careful. Clare's law, ask questions, (quietly). Don't rush living together, you don't know him yet and you are a mother. Children first.

Otterhound · 07/11/2020 20:23

......Or she really could be a crazy manipulative ex.

All you can do is keep your whits about you

Techway · 07/11/2020 20:32

Like everyone else I would take it seriously as a warning. ExH, first wife tried to warn me but she was very reactive, extremely shouting, so it was easier to discard her. EX h is also very calm but the most manipulative person. Even now that I know him he can still fool me. There is always an agenda to his niceness.

You say you have a granny flat, what would he do if you didn't have that, does he have his own place? Did you meet him online?

DeciduousPerennial · 07/11/2020 20:34

I’d be running a mile whether or not what the ex said was true: either it’s true and he’s a shitbag, or it’s not and your time with him will be a nightmare because he’s being run round the houses be an ex who’s a nightmare.

Neither scenario is one I’d want to get tangled up in if I’d had kids and so did he, and I’d already had an abusive previous relationship.

To all intents and purposes - with the impact of covid - you barely know this man, and you’re already having to seriously question either his character or the difficulties with his ex.

IseeIsee · 07/11/2020 20:47

She could be lying but it is odd that he has gone to such great lengths to paint her as a villian. I was in an abusive relationship 20 years ago for one year and nobody to this day believes me.. it really shaped me and I would personally run if this was said to me because either way it's too much hassel. Also his Mother seems overly involved in his drama. All around, it's a no.

ThePlantsitter · 07/11/2020 20:56

Either he is abusive or your new DP really does have a psycho ex who is very involved in his life due to their kids and therefore isn't going anywhere.

Whichever it is, it's not really good news. Is he worth it?

MrsSpringfield · 07/11/2020 20:57

Definitely DON'T mention her words to him. You could cause a lot of trouble for her if he is / was an abuser. And the truth is you don't know him well enough yet to be certain he isn't and wasn't an abusive partner.

Are you sure the video footage was from that day? Could it have been recorded another day? Could he have created a fake FB profile under her name (adding his DM) spouting all kinds of crazy so that she looks utterly mad and him a sane, well intentioned pillar of the community. Hopefully not - but you just never know.
Clare's Law!! Good luck.

Dontbeme · 07/11/2020 21:32

@ThePlantsitter

Either he is abusive or your new DP really does have a psycho ex who is very involved in his life due to their kids and therefore isn't going anywhere.

Whichever it is, it's not really good news. Is he worth it?

^This. Also you have only dated him since July and he has introduced you to his DC and his ex, as well as somehow inserted himself into your granny flat for his work. It all seems too much, too soon. I think you should step back and allow yourself space to deal with the effects of your abusive marriage. You say yourself you were not looking to meet someone so soon, I worry you may be vulnerable.
Original poster
OverThinkingUnderDoing · 07/11/2020 21:42

I hadn’t considered not showing anger as also being capable as abuse. Thanks for that, it’s easy to just look out for signs that ex displayed and miss others.

I’m 99% sure the thing about his dc’s birthday was true. His mum called him when I was there, I couldn’t hear what she said but it was definitely a woman on the phone with the same accent he has (different part of the country). He then showed me the whatsapp message his mum sent with a screenshot and was scrolling back through his photos to make sure they were the same times that he was at the theme park. I wasn’t paying close attention but he certainly wasn’t trying to hide it from me.

I don’t consider myself reliant on him at all really (apart from for sex, I guess). I have absolutely no money worries and have a very close circle of family and friends who I turn to for emotional support. He has a good, decently paid, stable job, owns his own home and, although I have significantly more money than he does, he doesn’t ask or seem to want anything like that from me.

Im not really sure what I mean by ‘he’s not like anyone else I’ve met’. Maybe I should rephrase that to ‘he’s not like anyone else who has ever shown an interest me’. He’s ridiculously clever, funny, amazing in bed, really good company and seems to enjoy my company too. I have been in a very depressing and lonely marriage for a very long time though so there’s a good chance I’ve just forgotten what relationships are supposed to feel like!

I also just wanted to clarify that he hadn’t met my kids and I don’t intend him to for the foreseeable future. My kids are only 4 and 8 and I don’t think they need to be meeting anyone I’m involve other right now. He will come over to the house after they’re asleep and we’ll have dinner/ watch a film but if he stays over he’ll stay in the granny flat and I’ll go over for a shag once they’re at school.

OP posts:
DixitWinner · 07/11/2020 21:56

I’d be a bit worried by the fact that his mum is still friends with his ex - who she clearly doesn’t like - on Facebook and that she is sending screen shots to him. His mother sounds very immature. So does he though.

If he was a mature adult he would tell his mother to cut it out and get on with his life, secure in the knowledge that he is a decent father.

I met a man once who showed me a text - which he received while I was in his company - telling me that his wife was having an affair.

He was trying to leave the completely crazy ex, but was so scared she would go for custody of the children. His sister also messaged him about how she wanted him to leave the awful wife - which he showed me.

End result... He had sent the “affair” text to himself from a different number.

The one from his sister was probably genuine as his whole family believed his lies.

It turned out that he was the one having multiple affairs, was violent to his wife and was stopping her from leaving by threatening to get custody the children.

Utterly convincing though and very charismatic. But we had friends in common who later told me the story when the truth came out.

TurquoiseDragon · 07/11/2020 22:03

Are you sure the video footage was from that day? Could it have been recorded another day? Could he have created a fake FB profile under her name (adding his DM) spouting all kinds of crazy so that she looks utterly mad and him a sane, well intentioned pillar of the community. Hopefully not - but you just never know.

OP, his mum may well believe what she's seeing. But that doesn't mean it's real.

Be wary. You only known him for a few months, but he's well inserted into your life already.

Original poster
OverThinkingUnderDoing · 07/11/2020 22:06

I’m just filling out the Claire’s law application thing. I have to put in his address which is fine. Will he be informed that someone has done this? I want to do this before I speak to him about it but I don’t want him to know just in case anything does show up.

OP posts:
Shetoshe · 07/11/2020 22:09

I don't know. The meeting new partners thing is weird. No abusive man would agree to that surely? I know my ex-husband wouldn't in a million years. Always good to keep your wits about you of course, but for once (especially in light of the theme park thing) I'm inclined to be on the man's side here.

Angrymum22 · 07/11/2020 22:10

My husbands ex gf sent me a lovely card when DH and I bought our house and moved in together. We had been living together in my house for a couple of years but DH had his own place. It simply said “Get out before it’s too late”. She had cheated on him with a close friend. It did worry me a little but by this time I was aware of his general character and behaviour. She never lived with him.
Turned out she was batshit crazy and stalked us for nearly ten years, phone calls, further letters and cards, she even managed to send the bailiffs round ( long story and nothing to do with us) there was much more. Throughout it all we kept it under wraps but we lost mutual friends as a result, I’m fairly certain she was projecting her behaviour onto me. I had a couple of mutual friends “advise” me not to act so crazy.
It eventually stopped but it wasn’t nice.
I would take what she said with a pinch of salt. If you call her out on it you may create a shit storm. You would be better talking to one of his previous gf, they may give you an idea if exW is a shit stirrer.

Original poster
OverThinkingUnderDoing · 07/11/2020 22:13

I hadn’t considered contacting one of his more recent ex’s. That’s a possibility. I know one of them vaguely as she’s a minor celebrity around these parts, she’d probably think I was nuts if I sent her a dm on Twitter asking if her ex was a prick Grin

OP posts:
DixitWinner · 07/11/2020 22:19

OverThinkingUnderDoing

I hadn’t considered contacting one of his more recent ex’s. That’s a possibility. I know one of them vaguely as she’s a minor celebrity around these parts, she’d probably think I was nuts if I sent her a dm on Twitter asking if her ex was a prick

😂

Kcar · 07/11/2020 22:19

My ex wanted me and still wants me to meet his now wife.

I have declined.

Princessbanana · 07/11/2020 22:41

I would be more worried about being with this man and having to put up with the ex wife. From what you’ve said, she sound unhinged. I can imagine her trying to cause massive drama and dragging you into it, on social media or with the kids. Now she may well be telling the truth and you should do your own digging but if what she’s aging isn’t true then you are in for one hell of a time with her. He shares 50% of childcare, he won’t be rid of her until he or she dies!

BlueThistles · 07/11/2020 22:42

One thing that happened since we were together is he took one of his dc’s to a theme park for dc’s birthday. His mum then sent him a screenshot of ExW’s post on FB saying ‘can’t believe my ex forgot our youngests birthday. Now I’m going to have to be the one making up for it again and consoling my devastated child’. Partner was definitely at this theme park with his son on his birthday - he sent me several videos of them together so it’s all weird.

So ..... She's already proven she is a manipulative liar...

but your questioning Him ... WTF Confused