Husband left and can’t decide if he wants to come home or not

[Saffy980]

Hi, I need some advice. My husband walked out 4 weeks ago saying he needed space but now he’s saying he doesn’t know if he wants to come back or not. He’s living in his parents spare room while they are away (stuck for lockdown)
I’ve seen him a few times and last weekend he was lovely to me holding hands hugging snd kissed me and in front of the kids (14 and 16) said he was thinking about coming home and it would be soon but a week and a half later still not back and telling me the more I try and talk to him, text etc he’s getting angry and not wanting to come back.
We’ve been married 20 years and I had my 40th in September. He waited two weeks after my birthday to leave and even told me he’d been thinking about it for months
I’m blaming myself and thinking if I’d been less of a nag or more affectionate or just left him to go what he wanted rather than badgering him to do stuff he might not have left
I’m in agony and cannot stop crying. I don’t feel like I have the strength to just leave him to it to make his mind up. I feel as if I leave him alone he will stay away more.
Any advice please please, i feel like I want to die. I’m in bits. I love him so much and don’t want loose him.

He's living in a fantasy. The sooner he sees the reality of separated life, the better. So take away all the love, support and wife work that he doesn't even appreciate, because he doesn't deserve it anymore.
Otherwise he'll string this out for ever. Google pick me dance

Completely agree with this, either he is in which means coming home or he is out, which means, divorce, child maintenance payments, getting somewhere to live rather than his parents, declaring his pension pot and any other assets and how much the house is worth.

He has to understand the reality of being out of the marriage. This isn't about you nagging less. This is about him testing the waters of a relationship with another woman. It is incredibly rare that a man leaves a relationship where his pants are being washed to one where he is suddenly responsible for everything himself. I have been on MN for 14 years. 99.9% of the time there is another woman.

Agree with the others.

Grass isn't always greener.

The other woman is dithering, probably hasn't left her husband yet.

Honestly, make his mind up for him. Tell him it’s over and he isn’t welcome back. Value yourself and leave him out of your life. You will be better off than being messed around with like this. I mean, would you ever want to forgive him for treating you like this? If so, think about why you are willing to accept this sort of behaviour in a partner.

This.

Oh and the kissing you in front of the kids thing was just part of his game. What an arsehole .

You may love him but his actions are showing very clearly that he doesn't love you. It sounds like he knows that he's got you dangling doing the "pick me" dance and so he has no incentive to respond by treating you fairly.

I would urge you to think about this very carefully - when you say that you were badgering him, was this in actual fact just attempts to get him to contribute to the relationship in fairly routine ways? You can't just do whatever you want in a relationship, he needs to be bringing something to the table too and if he wasn't then you were well within your rights to be bringing that up. If he comes back and you rebuild your relationship based on terms where he can do whatever he likes and you lie down and let him because a bad relationship with him is better to you than no relationship, well, that's going to destroy your sense of self-worth and set a really bad example to your children. Don't think that they won't pick up on it because they're definitely old enough to.

I can imagine it's hard when you've been married that long but I would encourage you to try and calm yourself as much as possible, leave him to whatever he's doing in his parents house and take a step back. You've got this man on a pedestal and you need to see that he in all likelihood doesn't belong there.

Agree with others, how ever hard it is you need to take the control away from him and tell him you have excepted it’s over, tell him you won’t be having contact with him, won’t be calling him (unless it’s to discuss the kids) and won’t be visiting him. He’s messing with your head by not ending it properly, keeping you dangling not knowing what he wants, don’t let him do this too you.

This was me a couple of years ago and it's the most heartbreaking life shattering feeling you just want him back at no matter what cost and you will do anything to have them back but honestly the best thing is if he doesn't come back.You will get stronger, you will learn to cope and be content with you and the kids!Your life feels like it's over now but honestly it gets better, I thought I'd never be happy again and now I'm the happiest I ever have been just us two.(DD)

Agree with PP. Your H is calling all the shots and you are letting him.

You are 40-do you really want to waste the rest of your youth on someone who is, clearly, so damn selfish and keeping you dangling?

Let him go and focus on you. Get your power back--stop giving it to him.

I'd be making the decision for him...

I was the child of a couple going through exactly this when I was seven. My dad behaves like your DH and my mum like you-bluntly she was a complete doormat and utterly desperate for him to return, to the point she acted with no dignity and of course he had zero respect for her behaviour. It really affected me, and if I’m totally honest I struggle to not be quite angry with my mum even now which I know isn’t fair. Dad behaved appallingly but mums refusal to put herself and us first and to keep pandering to him left me with a lot of resentment. Things like she’d put pressure on us to be perfect and angelic when he was around, to make family life more appealing clearly. As an adult I look back and have so little respect for how she behaved-I know it was a shit situation but I can’t help being so sad about how it affected me.

Don’t do that to your kids OP. Everyone is right, he has another woman and is testing the waters of life without you. Don’t give him the choice-show him the cold hard reality of having left you, and above all keep your self respect and the respect of your kids. At their ages this could really affect them and you need to be strong for them.

I feel for you @Saffy980

You sound like you are feeling lost and in shock. The man you love suddenly decides to leave and consider his options of whether to return to you or split up. He is considering his options. He may be having an affair and weighing up you or her/him. He may be having a mid life what do I want crisis.

What do you want? Take time to sit down and think. It is wrong that he keeps you dangling. Do you have a close friend you can chat to. Maybe suggest he stays away for the entire month no back and forward with the hugs to keep you on the boil. Take some space out. Maybe you will decide that you don't need him after all.

Look after yourself

If you really want him back... then you need to toughen up and play hard ball and tell him that you've made the decision that he can't come back ... however, the biggest risk there is that you will have an epiphany and realise that actually you don't want him back (hopefully).

There will be another woman. Basically, you need to get your big girl pants on, get legal advice and follow through.

He's being cruel to you with his indecisiveness and cruel to the DC leaving them hanging too. It's your decision now as much as his. Don't give him 100% leeway. Hard as it is think about it as if you were advising a friend.

Make sure you have some money in your name only so that you can afford legal advice and finance is less of a worry.

Sounds like he's having a stereotypical midlife crisis tbh 🙄

If the reality of being separated sets in and he comes back because he doesn't want to lose half of everything/pay maintenance/pay for another place to live;do you really want him back under those circumstances?

You've just turned 40;you could go on to meet someone else who could turn out to the absolute love of your life,you could get remarried,you could even have another child if it's something you want;you also have the option of another life.

Your DH is holding all the power here and it's not fair on you;remember he can decide if he wants to come back however you can decide if you actually want him back.

Well he's created a cosy little arrangement for himself, hasn't he? He gets to walk out on his kids and 'think' about what he wants from life while safe in the knowledge that you're waiting to welcome him home with open arms. He's being cruel. If he wants to divorce he should do so and let you move on, instead he's keeping you on the side with no regard for your feelings whatsoever.

He's sleeping with someone else. 100%

What an unfathomable coward.

OP, you don’t know it yet, but this is all part of a script that men with OW roll out.

The link below is to a thread which is currently ongoing. It’s about a woman who’s husband left her after 17 years, telling the kids in a 2 minute conversation and walked out the door to live at his mums house. I think you’ll find some good advice and lots of similarities:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4056498-17-years-and-my-husband-has-walked-out

I was in my early 20s when my dad put my mum through this shit after 30 years of marriage. Months of pissing about saying he didn't know what he wanted. The difference in that case is that it was prompted by discovery of the affair. Whether your H has an OW or not is irrelevant, he is treating you and your children appallingly.

In our case, after three months of back and forth, mum eventually got angry, said no more, filed for divorce. By which time most of the family money, including her recent 6 figure inheritance - gone. The OW was suddenly debt free and the pair of arseholes had enough to set up life together. Nice for them I guess.

Two things to consider here - if you really want him back.

1. Act now to protect your money. This is best done by talking to a solicitor for advice, even if you want to work things out with him. My mum lost almost everything because she delayed. You can't guarantee he is going to behave decently.

1. As another poster up thread has pointed out from the child's perspective, your kids will lose respect for you if they see you acting like a doormat. Not only will this damage your relationship with them but it will become the template they carry forward into their own adult relationships- I'm speaking from personal experience here.

How difficult for you OP, but don't you think you should have some say in this?
How about you tell him you need 4 weeks of him leaving you alone to make up your own decision? He's stringing you along for some reason but you don't have to put up with it.

It is also nothing to do with the kids if you want him back or not and you shouldn't let you be pressured into taking your H back just because he and they want you to.

Read this book, IMMEDIATELY!!! It's about not being a doormat, and finding a way through something like this to whatever outcome is best for you.

www.amazon.co.uk/Love-You-but-Not-Relationship/dp/1408870339/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&s=books&crid=1AKZQ5Z4V1X8K&keywords=i+love+you+but+im+not+in+love+with+you&sprefix=i+love+you+but+i%27m+not+in+love+%2Caps%2C571&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1604564735&sr=1-1

I've been in your position with first husband. We were married for 21 years and 3dc. Everything at home was normal. Sex life good. Suddenly he hit me with bombshell he needed space. He moved out but kept coming back for a meal and to spend evening. I fell to pieces for a few weeks. I lost count of how much wine I drank during this time but my eldest dd drove youngest to school. It was such a shock. After 3 weeks a friend rang me to tell me she had been out with her DH for her wedding anniversary in expensive French restaurant and she saw my husband with OW. I was hurt and angry and bagged up all his stuff into bin bags and had locks changed. Kids broke up from school and o just took them away for 3 weeks and did not tell him where we were. 4 or 5 days later my friend rang to say he had been to her house asking if she knew where we were. He kept texting and ringing me and kids but we did not answer. My friend text to say he had been seen walking with OW near to lake near our home. At end of holiday I organized solicitor appointment and came back. He was asking to come home. I took a deep breath and told him no. His first words stunned me. He said is there someone else? Obviously cheating was on his mind. I set divorce in action and went against advise to wait until finances in place before divorce finalised. I was divorced about 12 weeks later. He continued to beg to come back but I no longer trusted him. I would say to you there is s high chance he has found someone else. Bin him off he is.not worth the pain and humiliation.

And yes, get angry on behalf of your kids. What your husband is doing to them is a damaging beyond belief, utterly despicable. As a mother, how on earth are you not raging at him for that?!

You need to get angry Saffy980 you are being treated like a doormat. Stop letting him call the shots & take back control of your own life.

My sister’s DH did this to her. Turned out he was shagging somebody else. My sister tied herself in knots for months, waited on him hand and foot, put out for him every time he asked, did everything she could to make him stay... And he fucked off anyway.

Everybody else was looking on from the sidelines thinking what an utter bastard he was, knowing full well he was getting elsewhere and thinking she was a fool for basically being his maid and prostitute. It really wasn’t a good look and she really regrets it now, in fact she feels like a bloody fool. She’s actually rather grateful to the OW for ridding her of him.

OP, this man is treating you like something he can pick up and put down as it suits. He has no respect for you or his DC. Why would you even want him back. Even if he did come back he’d forever hold the threat of leaving over your head if you dont do exactly what he wants all the time, don’t let him do exactly what he wants or have any expectations of him whatsoever.

You have needs too OP, and you deserve to have them met. You are not simply a vessel to provide him with what he wants. You are worth much more than this, and it is he who doesn’t deserve you.

Don’t let him have all the power. It’s not just his decision.

Can you really trust him after this?

I’d be keeping a close eye on any finances and open your own account