Husband left and can’t decide if he wants to come home or not

[Saffy980]

Hi, I need some advice. My husband walked out 4 weeks ago saying he needed space but now he’s saying he doesn’t know if he wants to come back or not. He’s living in his parents spare room while they are away (stuck for lockdown)
I’ve seen him a few times and last weekend he was lovely to me holding hands hugging snd kissed me and in front of the kids (14 and 16) said he was thinking about coming home and it would be soon but a week and a half later still not back and telling me the more I try and talk to him, text etc he’s getting angry and not wanting to come back.
We’ve been married 20 years and I had my 40th in September. He waited two weeks after my birthday to leave and even told me he’d been thinking about it for months
I’m blaming myself and thinking if I’d been less of a nag or more affectionate or just left him to go what he wanted rather than badgering him to do stuff he might not have left
I’m in agony and cannot stop crying. I don’t feel like I have the strength to just leave him to it to make his mind up. I feel as if I leave him alone he will stay away more.
Any advice please please, i feel like I want to die. I’m in bits. I love him so much and don’t want loose him.

I’m blaming myself and thinking if I’d been less of a nag or more affectionate or just left him to do what he wanted rather than badgering him to do stuff he might not have left

This stood out for me love and it's a huge, massive red flag.
I know you are hurting but do you really want him back at any cost?
So you have to play nice, put out, watch yourself, let him have his space/mancave/carte blanche to do bugger all...whilst you walk on eggshells, appeasing, placating, resisting the temptation to tell him to do his share of the shit/chores/pay some attention to you/family time?
And you've always been put in the position of nagging, no-fun harridan?

That is going to wear thin very quickly because I do not believe for one second that you have all the flaws and all the fault for a relationship that's not working.
You can be on best behaviour, welcome him back with open arms, play the Stepford wife/tradwife/surrendered wife...but everything you resented will come back to the fore. It may take a little time but old habits die hard if only one of you is prepared to change your approach. Why should he change if he's got you by the short and curlies with the threat of abandonment hanging over your head as soon as you dare to raise an issue?
You should not need to be nagging. He should want to spend time with you or the kids. He should care about you enough to want to make time for you, cherish and nurture you and demonstrate that by doing his bit willingly, voluntarily and on time.
You are being forced to badger as he wants to be left alone, duck out of his responsibilities, do thinks in his own time i.e. twelfth of never or sit back allowing you to take responsibility for stuff.
That is not an equal or fair relationship.
Tell me if I'm wrong - it could be that I'm projecting.
But if I'm not...and he refuses to make changes himself or sit and talk it all through with you as a team, as equals, as partners then you'd be best of out of it, honestly.
It's not rocket science - if he wanted to save your marriage, he would see that. If you have spelled it out and he still won't change and would rather blame you or name-call you then he's looking for a get out of jail free card of not being asked to do owt and does not love you enough to look at improving his own attitude or behaviour. Nobody enjoys nagging ffs.
mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

things
And yes, you do deserve better.

Please don’t wait around for him to make all the decisions. It’s going to be tough but you will make it through this.

Why do you now think he should have been able to do what he wanted? What did he want to do?

I bet what you were expecting from him was not unreasonable.

He is behaving in a way that makes it clear he doesn’t care about you feelings.

My advice would be to put yourself first.

Speak to your GP. Get some counselling. Plan for how you will manage if he doesn’t come back. Gather together important documents. Work out what you would be entitled to.

If he is not involved in family life right now he has a lot of time to plan. He is already many steps ahead of you.

Also get him to take the kids a few nights a week. He can cook for them and drop them home. You need some time to yourself
Best wishes.

Stop calling him. Don't respond to any communications from him. Stop seeing him.

He is punishing you for something.

He believes you have to work for his attention and affection, and that he can treat you any way he wants but you will welcome him back with open arms as soon as he commands you to.

Is that the way you want to live? Do you want to live with someone who thinks so little of you?

Do you want your children to see the spectacle of their father playing their mother the way he did at the last meetup?

And shame on him for that performance in front of the children.

He is a waste of space, OP.

He left and now he's thinking of coming back?
Are all the decisions his?

Id want to be able to understand why he left?
If he wants to come back just cos it"s convenient or better than his m&d's or becsuse he had his fun, are you ok with that?!

Why are you sitting around waiting for this waste of space to come back?

He's manipulating you...deliberately keeping you hanging. It's bolstering his ego and self-esteem.

The quickest way to get him back would be to send him the following message:

"Hi X, I hope you're doing ok. Having had the past month to consider, I've now come to the conclusion that there are serious issues in our relationship, including the lack of respect you have for me as your wife and your lack of commitment to family life. I know you're struggling to decide whether you want to continue our relationship so I've decided to make it easier for your. I no longer want to be in a relationship with you and will be looking at instituting divorce proceedings in the next couple of weeks. I'll be in touch once I've set things in motion, but in the meantime, please don't contact me again unless it's about the children. As far as I'm concerned, our relationship is over. You don't treat people you love and care about in the way that you have treated me."

I imagine that would get you a fairly speedy response. But having sent that message, if I were in your position, I'd be considering whether, actually, I did really mean it after all.

And shame on him for that performance in front of the children.

This. What a nasty thing to do.

Well he's either always been a complete asshole who's treated you like shit, or he's having an affair.

Or both.

My money's on both.

There's definitely someone else, this is text book keeping you on the line in case it doesn't work out with her.

Screw him OP. You're so young still (same age as me and I feel young still, but I have a 5 and 1 year old 😊) Your kids are grown, you could be free as a bird to enjoy your life.

If I ask my dc if they want some cake ( or whatever) and they answer ‘don’t know’, then I take that as a ‘no’, because if they did want it, they would say ‘yes’. I think the same theory applies here.

Take control of the situation, and start making decesions according to want you want, not him. Twenty years is a long time, and you married young.

Honestly, make his mind up for him. Tell him it’s over and he isn’t welcome back. Value yourself and leave him out of your life. You will be better off than being messed around with like this. I mean, would you ever want to forgive him for treating you like this? If so, think about why you are willing to accept this sort of behaviour in a partner.

What you could do is plan for him leaving. He might stay but it would be better for you and the kids if you were informed as to what might happen . So contact your solicitor, get all the bank statements/ savings printed , find out what happens if he leaves, does he keep the house? Do the DCs live with him? Get the facts.
And be supportive of DCs - he is leaving them too, they will be gutted but won't tell you as you are already too upset so they will hide their feelings.

I’ve seen him a few times and last weekend he was lovely to me holding hands hugging snd kissed me and in front of the kids (14 and 16) said he was thinking about coming home and it would be soon but a week and a half later still not back and telling me the more I try and talk to him, text etc he’s getting angry and not wanting to come back.

Could he be hedging his bets, "keeping you warm" while there an OW on the sidelines who he's waiting for a commitment from.

They always say a man will make sure they have someone lined up before pulling the plug...

Horrible to think he'd be doing that to you, but worth being aware of that possibility.

His behaviour is appalling. Youre only just 40. Dont let him steal any more of your time.

Tell him youre not sure youll still want him back if he stays away any longer.

Nothing is as attractive as knowing your worth and projecting strong self confidence. The more you weep and cry and pander to him the more you’ll push him away. Take the choices away from him. Tell him you are a great mother / partner for x reasons, and if he doesn’t appreciate them then he needs to pack his bags. Take the power back. Be strong, be confident (even if you don’t feel it)

He's being utterly horrible to you. It's heartbreaking. Unless you had an affair and he's left to get his head together, which it doesn't sound like you have, then he's being self-centred and horrible.

If this man is supposed to love you, even a bit, how could he be so callous.

I find it interesting that you think you've been a nag - I'd probably say there's a man there not pulling his weight around the house for a long time, leaving his wife with lots of extra work. And then, when the kids are nearly grown up..he can't decide if he wants to stay. OP this has been on his mind for more than a few months.

It HURTS not because he's the love of your life, but because you have been betrayed by him. I don't mean with another person (no idea about that) but by him. You thought he loved you and you were being unfair to him. In fact you have very likely been used to provide "mother & wife duties".

My words are harsh. That not to hurt you but because the worst thing you could do now for your own well-being is to take him back.

He's prioritising himself. Who is prioritising you right now?

Been there. Cherchez la femme.......

As an aside if you really want him back, the vey best way to do this is to do a massive turn around and tell him you've been doing some thinking, and he is absolutely right. You think separation is the very best way forward for both of you, and you will be contacting a lawyer to get the ball rolling. Shut off his options. Watch him panic. He won't like suddenly not being in control.

Upside of this is if he has no intention of coming back it stops him playing you for a fool. If he does want to, he will.

This comes with the health warning that you are probably far better off without him. He's proven himself to be cruel, and not in a partnership with you.

As difficult as it is, tell him to fuck off and block him on everything.

This will keep your dignity and not allow him to play games with you.

He has likely had his head turned by another woman and like PPs said testing the waters on if she is a sure thing but wants to keep you as plan B in case it doesn't work out.

That is why acting like it is completely over is necessary. See the solicitor. Collect documents, Figure out finances. Force yourself to move forward.

You've been married 20 years.

If he wants to be with you still, nothing will keep him away. If he's done, nothing can make him stay.

That's why telling him to get to fuck and moving forward is good either way it goes.

Hes made his bed let him lie in it for the rest of his life while you move along with your life.

He can't have his cake and eat it. Either you're in a relationship or not.
Take back your power.

Stop contact.
See a solicitor.
Stop feeding him or doing his laundry.
Tell him he is having the kids every other weekend.
Open your own bank account and transfer Mon from joint to protect himself.

He's living in a fantasy. The sooner he sees the reality of separated life, the better. So take away all the love, support and wife work that he doesn't even appreciate, because he doesn't deserve it anymore.
Otherwise he'll string this out for ever. Google pick me dance.

If I want space I tell dh I’m going into the spare room/lounge to watch a program and to leave me alone for an hour. I don’t move out.

I think there is an ow somewhere who’s either wavering or isn’t what he thought so he’s keeping his options open.

The other woman is dithering.....it’s not so exciting now he’s actually left you.

Well hes got you dangling on a string hasnt he .
Take control, pack his stuff and tell him you've made your own decisions.