Husband left and can’t decide if he wants to come home or not

[Saffy980]

Hi, I need some advice. My husband walked out 4 weeks ago saying he needed space but now he’s saying he doesn’t know if he wants to come back or not. He’s living in his parents spare room while they are away (stuck for lockdown)
I’ve seen him a few times and last weekend he was lovely to me holding hands hugging snd kissed me and in front of the kids (14 and 16) said he was thinking about coming home and it would be soon but a week and a half later still not back and telling me the more I try and talk to him, text etc he’s getting angry and not wanting to come back.
We’ve been married 20 years and I had my 40th in September. He waited two weeks after my birthday to leave and even told me he’d been thinking about it for months
I’m blaming myself and thinking if I’d been less of a nag or more affectionate or just left him to go what he wanted rather than badgering him to do stuff he might not have left
I’m in agony and cannot stop crying. I don’t feel like I have the strength to just leave him to it to make his mind up. I feel as if I leave him alone he will stay away more.
Any advice please please, i feel like I want to die. I’m in bits. I love him so much and don’t want loose him.

Keep strong OP.
Get legal advice regarding the house and child support.
Make sure you check properly if you can stay in the house without him.
Maybe get a job? Can you get a job in your field till your business picks up?
Let you SIL or PIL pick his things from the shed. Or courier them.
Rest, ignore him! If he is not happy to get things through the letterbox or to get a text asking where is he on the day he was going to see his children, that is his problem.
But if at all possible, I would not even contact him when he does not turn up.

If his passport’s gone, you need to get real. He’s stashing cash and setting up bank accounts. Grow a pair, OP!!!

^Anyone have any advice as to how to actually get over this and him.
I still love him so much and it hurts like hell. I feel totally out of control and like my life will never be happy again. I’m worried about the future, without him and being alone.^

@Saffy980
Start by taking back some control of the situation here.

Send a short reply to his latest message telling you how to get him back:
'Fuck yourself'.

Gather all the family financial documents:
1 - call the mortgage company and find out the exact details of your mortgage debt,
2 - get an appraisal done to see roughly how much equity you have in the house,
3 - get a credit check done on your H,
4 - check the balance of all bank accounts; current, savings, investment accounts.

Then get a solicitor and find out your rights.

There’s more to this from his side IMO.

At the very least he’s a game playing wanker, but chances are he’s met someone else and is waiting for her to leave her husband. I’m not usually in the “there’s someone else” camp, but people don’t just up and leave and start playing games like this for no reason.

Get in touch with a decent solicitor today, file for divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour, sighting 1, his leaving out of nowhere, 2, his gaslighting in terms of will he/won’t he. Come back, 3, his lack of involvement with his children... I don’t know how many reasons you have to give, but those will do for starters.

Have the divorce petition couriered to him.

Then go to the bank and open an account in your name. Have any money that is yours paid into it, e.g. child benefit and your salary if you’re earning.

Speak to the solicitor about drafting a separation agreement which means that from now your finances can be viewed as separate, with previous finances taken into account for the divorce.

Find out what equity there is in your property, and if need be look for a rental for now, you can buy later.

And speak to the CMS wrt maintenance for your DC.

The marriage is over. Even if he did come back, the marriage you had is gone. Let it go from today...

Anyone have any advice as to how to actually get over this and him.
I still love him so much and it hurts like hell. I feel totally out of control and like my life will never be happy again. I’m worried about the future, without him and being alone

If it were me, I’d be focussing on him saying you need to move out the house (I’m assuming he means with the kids?) and how he’s messing you and the kids around, and I’d be angry, bloody angry and that would be it for me!
I’ve been following this over the past few days and you’ve been doing well, it seems like you’re just having a bit of a wobble which is understandable but I’m sorry to say that the future with him would be a whole lot worse than without him, you’ll always be worried about what he’s going to do next and when so pull that plaster off quickly as the sooner you do, the quicker you’ll be over him.

OP this thread screams OW. I would bet everything I have that there is an OW in the background - he may not be with her now but he has at least had his head turned. Tell him enough is enough and that you know, you’re not engaging with his games anymore and that you are filing for divorce.

He wants to buy me out but I can’t afford a decent place for me and the kids using the buy out money plus a small mortgage.

This is why you need legal advice fast.

To "buy you out" he would have to pay more than 1/2 the value of the house. And don't forget you are also entitled to 1/2 his pension etc.

The basic principle of the financial split is to enable both parties to live as close as possible to their present standard of living. But if there isn't enough money to enable that, then things are split according to need.
As you will be the main carer for the children - your financial needs are much greater than his.

Try to keep a journal to note down things about him that irritate you. Or how unreasonable he is being now.
I would also record when he lets down the DC and cancels contact. Contact is for their well being not his, by cancelling because he doesn't feel like it shows how little he is really committed to them.

He told our eldest tonight that he’s given me his decision as to how he feels now but that’s not to say that in a while after no contact he might start to feel differently!!!! But then told her he doesn’t feel feel the same way about me anymore. Yet only three weeks ago he was holding my hand walking with through a park telling me he wanted to come back and it would be soon but there’s no rush as he wanted to make sure we were getting back on the right road!!!!! 2 days later “I’m still not ready”......!!!
Telling my daughter he doesn’t feel the same way about me anymore is utterly out of order.
I’ve got an appt on phone with a solicitor Thursday so I’m going to make sure I know everything about where I stand and what he has to do by law. There’s no way I’m leaving my home after 16 years of raising our kids here, doing all the decorating, looking after it, giving up a career to raise the kids. All he’s done is put in money, no hard work, not cleaned, not decorated (unless I hassled!!) and not even done repairs or diy!!!
It’s 5 weeks to Xmas and I’m going to make bloody sure he’s miserable while me and the kids make it the best. He’ll be on his own Xmas day as his parents are away. His sister has invited him to hers for dinner but she got an autistic lad who doesn’t even know him cos he’s never bothered to go round snd see him or her youngest and make an effort to get to know his own nephews!!! Why the hell they are sticking by him I do not know. Even his mum told me living with him was painful as he doesn’t talk and the silence is so painful she goes off to bed!!!!!!!
I’m having better days. Hardly shed a tear today apart from when he came by to pick up my eldest for a take away dinner!! He came in again but I’m stopping that now. And he’s told me he wants to be left alone if there’s any chance he might come back so that’s just what I’ll do.
I have the accounts and all the savings are in my name!!! He’s not seeing a penny.
I’ve already got a fireworks event booked for weekend before Xmas and fingers crossed for the lockdown ending I’ll be finding something to do Xmas eve. New year could be hard as his parents will be back so he’ll have company then and I’ll be alone with the kids whereas his parents usually come to us so might be a tough one.
If we get to new year and there’s no sign of him coming back then I shall be digging my heels in about the house and not budging!!!

I honestly think if you file for divorce you will feel better.

Your confidence will return once you feel you have gained some control.

His power will diminish.

If someone told you 100% there was another woman would that spur you into action.?

There is nothing more selfish than a man who has seemingly moved on and chooses to keep his options open by gaslighting his wife.

It's torture, so many ladies on here know that scenario all too well, it breaks you and he is breaking you.
Callous, cruel and showing a complete lack of kindness.

We want you to feel better but we know this will not happen whist you sit and wait for his decisions.
We have all been there, distraught, couldn't eat, sleep, function, cried continuously, vomited through the sheer pain like someone kicking you in the gut repeatedly.

You are not different, we all had these awful feelings many still do, years after but waiting and giving all your power to men never made the situation better.

I hope you are ok tonight
We are thinking of you

By the way don't converse with him about future finacial decisions, anything.
He's trying to make you more confused.

He will throw snippets of information of how he wants to proceed.
He knows you are not able to think clearly it can be a way to keep you dangling, whilst he makes his mind up, almost a threat of whats to come.
He knows this upsets you.

You are not strong enough to deal with all the decisions that need to be made financially, please just book an appointment, what have you got to loose by doing this.

cross posted.

I'm glad you have an appointment booked.

So long as you have no contact theres a chance his wife and children may again be blessed with his presence.

Charming....

Divorce his ass and tell him you and the kids will be going no contact for his funeral !

He's a bad husband. A bad ex. A terrible father (using the children as pawns/ go betweens etc)

See the solicitor. Drop him loose. Tell the children it's over. No more mixed messages. Clear and concise. This is as confusing for them as it is you.

Oh thank god you’re angry now! Was wondering why you were so soggy. You’re allowed to love who he was to you, but he’s definitely not that any more. Btw, watch your back with in-laws. Divulge nothing about anything legal or financial. AT ALL. They do not have your best intentions at heart regardless of what they say or do at this time. They will say the right things and probably even mean it right now, but when it comes to money, they will forget that you are the kids primary caregiver and every sacrifice you have made to support this man and you will become a scheming parasite who was only ever after one thing. It happens every time. Watch your back.

Also diarise everything starting with the time he promised to see the kids but “didn’t feel like it.” This will support your claims that you are the primary caregiver and he will not claim to be able to do 50/50 custody (and dump them with his mum) so he gets out of paying child support.

Spilling his heart to your DD is atrocious behaviour on his part.

I assume she is not an adult.

You need to consider your H an adversary now, as Onthedunes advises.

Glad to see you are starting to look to the future with some confidence, even spite! Use whatever gives you energy and focus.

You don't love him. You love having a family, having someone to love, the security of being in a marriage, having someone who loves you. Don't tie these things to him. You can have them with someone else.

Does it not strike you that he’s not just horrible, he’s fucking weird?

It will soon.

He really thinks you’re all idiots to follow that train of gobbledegook and keep dangling.

I was really proud of your last message.
Until you got to that bit about whether he decides to come back by the new year or not.

Okay just imagine on 28th December he decides to come back and you let him. Will you ever be able to fully trust him? Will you and the children be walking on egg shells in case he goes again.
It is not just his decision. If he wants to come back then at least make him work for it, make him rebuild your trust in him before he comes back.

And if you can tell him that discussing your relationship with your DD is inappropriate.
Although my Ex talked about his suicidal feelings and thoughts with my struggling mentally and at times suicidal DD.

Agree with @MollyButton

You haven’t taken back any power or control if you’re still waiting for him to come back and will accept him. It’s ultimately your choice if you would do that but just remember the impact on your kids. Someone needs to protect them from the 100% certainty that if things don’t work out with OW and he comes crawling back, it will be a short time before he’s off again and treating you and your children with contempt. I’m not trying to be horrible here but you have to understand the implications of being willing to continue a marriage with this man. Your children will be repeatedly hurt by him, worse than if you cut the cord now. Please, please put them and yourself first and don’t allow that to happen. It’s like watching a car crash in slow motion, for all the talk it honestly sounds to me like you’re still waiting and hoping for him to change his mind. He has zero love or respect for you, please have some for yourself.

I bet there's someone else!

Some people lie through their teeth. I have to say even my now DH lied to his ex wife about us being together after they split. They split because she cheated on him but he still wouldn't tell her he was seeing me because he didn't want any trouble with the house sale etc. He continued to lie through his teeth until I told her the truth.

At this point I wouldn't believe a word he is saying.

@chocolateorangelover and you still married him I’m shocked you would have carried ok even seeing someone who you witnessed ‘lying through their teeth’. Do you trust him?!

If we get to new year and there’s no sign of him coming back then I shall be digging my heels in about the house and not budging!!! And then what? He leaves the week after and keeps you dangling for another couple of months and then yo-yo’s in and out of your life because it works for him?

Look I’m going to be blunt here. He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t want to be with you, if he did he would be.

And there are things you will not have a choice in. You may not have a choice about the house. Regardless of who has put in what etc it is a marital asset and he will be entitled to half the equity. Very few judges now grant orders enabling the ex wife to stay in the house.

You need to start doing the things you can control. File for divorce, go to the CMS for child maintenance, work out a separation agreement, tell him the house needs to go on the market or he needs to buy you out.

If you can’t afford a mortgage you won’t be staying there.

And a solicitor is going to tell you all these same things. A solicitor won’t tell you you can dig your heels in about the house because you’re not going to have a choice about that.

But you have choices. You have the choice to take control of this situation and tell your husband that it’s over, that you’re filing for divorce and going to CMS and that he’s no longer in charge of whether he comes back, he’s not coming back and that is your choice.

This is hard but the more you resist doing things the harder it’s going to be when the inevitable happens anyway.

This marriage is over. No amount of promises on his part is going to change that. Anyone who can walk out on a wim once can and will do it again..

There is definitely someone else OP, I would put money on it. And she's given him an ultimatum that she will only be with him if he's single. So he's left you to prove the single life but he's hedging his bets just in case she changes her mind. Or he's waiting for her to leave her relationship and again stringing you along, just in case she doesn't.

It's awful, horrible situation to be in for you and your kids but if you take him back he will keep doing this OP.

Show your kids this is not the right way to treat a lifelong partner, and also not the way to be treat. Be strong and your future life will thank you for it.

Stop confiding in his family. They aren't on your side, when push comes to shove they will choose him.

Stop focusing on him and how 'miserable' he will be alone at Christmas. He won't be as he is likely to be with his OW. I know it is hard but concentrate on yourself and your children. He is damaging them with his indecision and manipulation.

@GeorginaTheGiant as I typed I thought the very same thing.... no, not really.