Husband left and can’t decide if he wants to come home or not

[Saffy980]

Hi, I need some advice. My husband walked out 4 weeks ago saying he needed space but now he’s saying he doesn’t know if he wants to come back or not. He’s living in his parents spare room while they are away (stuck for lockdown)
I’ve seen him a few times and last weekend he was lovely to me holding hands hugging snd kissed me and in front of the kids (14 and 16) said he was thinking about coming home and it would be soon but a week and a half later still not back and telling me the more I try and talk to him, text etc he’s getting angry and not wanting to come back.
We’ve been married 20 years and I had my 40th in September. He waited two weeks after my birthday to leave and even told me he’d been thinking about it for months
I’m blaming myself and thinking if I’d been less of a nag or more affectionate or just left him to go what he wanted rather than badgering him to do stuff he might not have left
I’m in agony and cannot stop crying. I don’t feel like I have the strength to just leave him to it to make his mind up. I feel as if I leave him alone he will stay away more.
Any advice please please, i feel like I want to die. I’m in bits. I love him so much and don’t want loose him.

Take control and make the decision. It will hurt, but will be less painful cumulatively and will damage children less.

I’m blaming myself and thinking if I’d been less of a nag or more affectionate or just left him to go what he wanted rather than badgering him to do stuff he might not have left

Don't blame yourself, but equally if you know you've been excessively naggy or whatever then it's a learning experience, I am still learning about myself in my 40s, what my triggers are (impatience and directness), what I need to get better at/let go (long hung-over childhood issues), etc.

GL with the future, head up, be strong. The kids will thank you for it.

@Saffy980

It's highly likely your husband is having an affair.
The reason he's swithering about coming back is because he's torn between familiarity (you) and novelty (her).

The man you thought he was and the relationship you thought you had do not exist.
Mourn them. Grief is natural. But don't try and resurrect them. They don't exist.
And stop 'trying' to win him back - you're only feeding his control over you
www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/

You need to stop being an option for him, if he knows that you will take him back he will keep you dangling.

Be firm, tell him that you dont want him back, it is very unfair that he is keeping you dangling.

What a twunt. And the fact that he's behaved like this in front of your kids as well as you.
He's no prize OP. Any decent person would not behave like this. Let him go. See a solicitor.
You can do so much better than this.

This is a shocking thing to happen to you but he is a cock - he has been thinking about this for months - a decent H would talk through things with you . He needs space - cock ! He is changing his mind - cock ! He is leading you on - cock ! I've been here but with many more married years than you and it hit hard . You want to cling onto the old even if it is shit . You deserve better and you will get through this . Don't take him back and yes I also imagine he has had his head turned . I am living a life which is so happy now compared to my first marriage .

What's your financial situation OP? Rent or mortgage, and who is on the tenancy/deed? Do you work?

I would change the locks and speak to a solicitor. I would honestly do it today. You have to start thinking about you and your children, as clearly your husband isn't. How dare he say those things to you in front of them? He sounds fucking vile.

Get cracking on the divorce. If it gives him a huge kick up the arse and he suddenly turns into a great guy and wants to come back, then you can consider it at that point. But right now I think you need to be planning for a future without him.

OP, I know this is really hard, but you need to dig deep and change track. I have been with my DH 30 years and he has done this twice. What he is doing is script. He is not unique in his actions and so the textbook response is the best way to go.

DO NOT cry, be sad, beg, plead with him. As you can see, it doesn't work and it makes him swing even more into the leave camp. This WILL not get him back.

Do this:

1. Do not spend anymore time waiting around for him. Make an action plan. Send the next 3 months working on YOU. Get fit, get healthy, get your hair done (or lockdown self treatments etc.), look after your skin, sort out your wardrobe. Do whatever you need to do to look your best. This has NOTHING to do with him, but all about your self esteem.

2. Don't call, text, email him. Let him contact you. You are too busy with your own stuff. He is the one who wanted time alone, so crack on.

3. Book stuff to do WITHOUT him. Do it for you and the DC, you and friends and you and your family. Arrange for after lockdown of course.

Show him that when he is not there, you are better off. You look better, you are fitter, you go out more and you do more. When he is not there, life still goes on.

Do this and at some point you may wake up and think, actually I prefer it when he is not here and/ or he will crap himself that you are flourishing without him.

My DH has done this twice. At first I reacted like you, but then did the 3 things above and he came crawling back. Part of the reason why I took him back was that I realised he didn't hold all the cards and if he goes I will be OK. I'm happy for him to stay, for now whilst he pays for everything for my DC

Listen to the song and read the lyrics of I had a Little Time by the Beautiful South.

So he decided what contact you have, how he behaves, and also apparently how you should behave! He leaves, chops and changes his message to you at will and then blames you when you react emotionally (as anyone would) to his behaviour.

Stop worrying about your behaviour and start looking at his.

Even if you did ‘nag’ the grown up thing to do in a marriage of 20 years is to have honest and open conversations and try and make changes that create a stronger marriage.

Why would you want him back if the same undisclosed alleged problems remain?

Tell him he has left and you are not interested in any communication from him unless it is a commitment to explore and address what is going on. Including couples counselling. And that he doesn’t actually return unless that process has been gone through. It is that, or a decision to leave and divorce.

And he sees the kids but absolutely no socialising with you.

How dare he treat you like a cat with a mouse in a string? It is despicable behaviour.

He's seeing someone else.

It's time for you to move on.

Don't be left hanging on for him to come back. If he does dain to return it will only be until he decides to leave again.

You and your children deserve better than that.

Tell him that you have also decided you need space and that it is time for you to both go your separate ways. It will be hard but living with him constantly wondering when he'll do this again will be a lot harder.

I’m blaming myself and thinking if I’d been less of a nag or more affectionate or just left him to go what he wanted rather than badgering him to do stuff he might not have left
that was his intention, you have played right into his hands, he's doing this to make you feel guilty, to make you plead with him to come back.
i would tell him you want no further contact until he's made up his mind

He's messing with your head and not being very fair with it all.

Relationships break down and people fall out of love etc, but if he's decided this might be the case for him, he's being extremely cruel, to you and your dc, by giving very mixed messages. Kissing you and holding hands one minute, telling you how unsure the next then getting angry. He's being very selfish!

If you do try again and he's willing, your relationship will NEVER be the same. He's put pay to that, if he wants it to work, he'll have to put as much effort into it as you.

I'm afraid I also think there is OW in the wings, but he's not completely sure so is keeping you on the back burner.

Having been in a similar situation I wish I'd taken control and told him not to bother coming home. I wish I'd taken control and divorced him. As it was I spent years pandering to him, doing the pick me dance and losing my self esteem in the process. These things rarely end well

I feel sad for you. Have you even asked him why he has left? Why have you not found your inner rage at being treated so badly. I am shocked that your just sat waiting for him to come home. Do you not require an explanation? You have been together for 20yrs and he walked away from you and your DC and now he is playing with you. Sadly it is very rare for a man to leave without having had his head turned.

Just tell him he’s not coming back as you have made your mind up, see how he reacts to that.
He’s messing with your head.

@EssentialHummus

Honestly, make his mind up for him. Tell him it’s over and he isn’t welcome back. Value yourself and leave him out of your life. You will be better off than being messed around with like this. I mean, would you ever want to forgive him for treating you like this? If so, think about why you are willing to accept this sort of behaviour in a partner.

This.

Could he be hedging his bets more.

OP, you clearly don't know what has been going on behind your back.

You need to woman up, stop crying, get a solicitor, find all paperwork for house, bank accounts, pension, pay slips.

He's been planning this for months and is miles ahead of you.

Think of your children.

Can you even imagine what they must be thinking about this awful excuse of aman they have as a father.

Please model a mother with some self respect.

You can do this.
Wishing you strength.

Hope your ok Saffy - some very wise words on their thread - your life isn’t over - you have your beautiful children, family and friends. 💐

I'd give him space. Permanently. Get rid OP. You're worth more than this.

Are you reading us OP?
We want to help you🌼

This sounds really awful op. I'm so sorry. Your husband is treating you very shoddily after such a long marriage. He should have had the decency to discuss his feelings with you. It's so cowardly not to do so. If he was serious about improving things, he would have spoken to you.

As others have said, can you start taking back a little control? Or at least put on a brave face and fake it until you make it? First of all by restricting his contact with you as that sounds like torture. Ask him to contact you by text from now on if he wants to speak about the DC.

How come he gets to check out of family life and make all of the decisions? He is still a father. Inform him that the DC (if they want to of course) will be staying with him for an upcoming weekend as you have other plans (even if you just stay in bed for the duration)? He didn't try or bother to discuss his feelings with you before he moved out after all, so you don't need his permission to start putting things in place which benefit you too.

I'm sorry to say this, but please consider that he put in a show of affection last weekend precisely because the DC were there as he wants them to think well of him.

Book an appointment with a solicitor and see where the land lies in terms of finances etc. Gather up important documents. Check out your joint finances. And his finances. Make copies. Do a bit of detective work about another woman.

Get some support around you. Don't feel ashamed, you have done nothing wrong. Tell your friends, tell your family, get some support around you. Don't cover up his shoddy behaviour.

Be strong op . You deserve so much better.

Thanks everyone. I know I need to “woman up”!! I keep swaying between upset and anger and I just wish I could stay angry.
He has promised me there is no one else and he has always been very truthful about that, even telling me once a girl at work had made a pass at him!! He’s always been loyal and loving and thoughtful but he had depression fours years back and he says it’s never left him and he says things that happened back then made him see life differently and he’s been unhappy for a while but doesn’t know what it is he wants or needs to feel happy again and thinks that being alone could make him happier in the long term.
I’m lucky enough to have his sister as we are very close and see each other all the time, more than he sees her!!! Her and my in laws all agree he is dealing with this in the wrong way and is being selfish but he doesn’t care what his family think!!
Luckily I can now bubble with her and my nephews while this lockdown is going on as I’m now single!!! So silver linings!!!!
I am trying to focus on work and plan Xmas but it’s hard not knowing who I’m planning for! Sons b/day in a month too and he’s fuming at his dad for what he’s doing. Eldest is still seeing him a few nights a week after school, she’s sitting in the fence!!! I’m not going to stop them seeing him though, but they know how badly he’s treating me and how selfish he’s being.
Thank you for all your support and wise words

@Saffy980

Thanks everyone. I know I need to “woman up”!! I keep swaying between upset and anger and I just wish I could stay angry. He has promised me there is no one else and he has always been very truthful about that, even telling me once a girl at work had made a pass at him!! He’s always been loyal and loving and thoughtful but he had depression fours years back and he says it’s never left him and he says things that happened back then made him see life differently and he’s been unhappy for a while but doesn’t know what it is he wants or needs to feel happy again and thinks that being alone could make him happier in the long term. I’m lucky enough to have his sister as we are very close and see each other all the time, more than he sees her!!! Her and my in laws all agree he is dealing with this in the wrong way and is being selfish but he doesn’t care what his family think!! Luckily I can now bubble with her and my nephews while this lockdown is going on as I’m now single!!! So silver linings!!!! I am trying to focus on work and plan Xmas but it’s hard not knowing who I’m planning for! Sons b/day in a month too and he’s fuming at his dad for what he’s doing. Eldest is still seeing him a few nights a week after school, she’s sitting in the fence!!! I’m not going to stop them seeing him though, but they know how badly he’s treating me and how selfish he’s being. Thank you for all your support and wise words

He’s always been loyal and loving and thoughtful but he had depression fours years back and he says it’s never left him and he says things that happened back then made him see life differently and he’s been unhappy for a while but doesn’t know what it is he wants or needs to feel happy again and thinks that being alone could make him happier in the long term Oh that old chestnut again .

I’m blaming myself and thinking if I’d been less of a nag or more affectionate or just left him to go what he wanted rather than badgering him to do stuff he might not have left

This thought went through my head too OP when I was going through this then I realised what this meant was that to keep him I'd have to continue paying the mortgage and all of the bills on my own, have sex with him whenever he wanted which would be 5 or 6 times a day, get into loads of kinky stuff I find repellant, clean, cook, let him do whatever he wants, sleep with whoever he wants, go to swinging clubs, constantly put his needs before my own, look sexy at all times, never put on a pound in weight, never see any of my own relatives and friends and basically be a living slave.
I took a good hard look at him, realised he was a pathetic little man who had never done a damned thing for me and wasn't even good looking and decided he could fuck right off and find another mug.

I would only ever want to be with someone who couldn't live without me. You deserve better OP.

Accept what is op
Your marriage is over, as your stbxh as checked out. Quite literally

Play him 'I had a little Time by the Beautiful South'. Then tell him to shove off.