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17 years and my husband has walked out

(1000 Posts)
WTFis2020 Wed 21-Oct-20 05:39:53

Hi all,
I need advice and will try and keep this short.
I’ve been with my husband for 17 years, married for 3, with 2 kids. We have the perfect world, no arguments, a beautiful house and holidays. We are the typical perfect family.
I’ve had a difficult year this year with my mum being critically ill, my usually loving husband has been a bit ‘off’ and my gut has told me there’s someone else. He’s constantly on his phone, the occasional night out he’s had hasn’t made sense etc.
So I flipped the other day and accused him of all sorts, he denied then went silent for 2 days. Upon trying to talk to him on day 3 he’s now claiming we apparently want different things and he should leave! He has told the kids in a 2 minute conversation and we are all shocked to the core.
I feel like he has been taken over by an alien or has a brain parasite 🙈.
Please help me to make sense of this all

OP’s posts: |
FortunesFave Wed 21-Oct-20 06:19:56

This is awful for sorry. His behaviour does seem to indicate an affair...are you living in a house you own? I'd be moving fast to get legal advice as well as looking to secure any access to shared bank accounts. Is he still living with you?

Pearsapiece Wed 21-Oct-20 06:24:25

I'm sorry you're going through this. The 2 day silence and different things comment leads me to think you've hit the nail on the head with whatever you've accused him of.
Don't let him walk all over you when he comes to his senses. You deserve better than this treatment

JKRowlingforever Wed 21-Oct-20 06:50:03

I'm so sorry. I also think you were right and hes having an affair.

lovelemoncurd Wed 21-Oct-20 06:53:36

Yep he's having an affair. Sounds like the life you say was perfect for you clearly wasn't for him.

FallonCarringtonWannabe Wed 21-Oct-20 06:55:27

Yes affair and starting to rewrite history. Start preparing.

Hailtomyteeth Wed 21-Oct-20 06:56:28

He has someone else but would rather you looked like the bad guy. He was just waiting for his excuse to go and make it seem your fault. Shark mode now - don't hope for (or allow) him back, get to a solicitor and sort out life for you and your children. I lost at least a year by messing about. Get everything you can, he'll turn nasty, even if he never has been before. You can grieve as you go, this is all terrible and you didn't deserve it. Now, survive. Go for it.

MzHz Wed 21-Oct-20 07:26:08


He has someone else but would rather you looked like the bad guy. He was just waiting for his excuse to go and make it seem your fault. Shark mode now - don't hope for (or allow) him back, get to a solicitor and sort out life for you and your children. I lost at least a year by messing about. Get everything you can, he'll turn nasty, even if he never has been before. You can grieve as you go, this is all terrible and you didn't deserve it. Now, survive. Go for it.

Such a good post!

Op, this is shit, it’s going to get more shit before it gets less shit again

You can do this. He has been taken over by a brain alien, he’s a cheat, he’s a liar and he’s only thinking of himself and his new life.

We’re here for you to vent and rant, but stay calm and collected, this is about securing your future and that of your dc.

Do you have good friends and family, tell them ASAP and get their support

WTFis2020 Wed 21-Oct-20 07:46:30

He has been at his mums house (which regrettably is over the road from me) since Monday Morning. He can’t offer her a valid explanation other than he’s not happy.

This is like a bolt from the blue for everyone. I have my Mum and a group of friends for support - no one outside of the group knows and I feel he’s waiting for me to make it public.

I have arranged for my salary to be paid into a new account. Out other joint account is where he pays funds in for the bills.

My kids are devestated. No words or a way forward - just silence, like he’s waiting for me to make the next step to be the bad guy.

Thanks everyone x

OP’s posts: |
WTFis2020 Wed 21-Oct-20 07:49:37

Nothing makes sense though!! Everyone thinks he is having a nervous breakdown but I am less naive than that.
We had made plans to pay extra money off our mortgage, we’ve just renovated our house......

OP’s posts: |
userxx Wed 21-Oct-20 07:52:47

I hate to say it but go with your gut, people don't just have massive changes of heart out of the blue, there's a reason for it and it's usually when their head has been turned.

misskick Wed 21-Oct-20 07:55:25

I would trust your gut on this, sounds like he is gas lighting you.

BlueThistles Wed 21-Oct-20 07:55:27

trust your instincts OP 🌺

WizardOfAus Wed 21-Oct-20 07:56:49

Read this book/website. It will help
explain everything that is going on in your life right now. Sadly, this isn’t uncommon.

Below is an extract from the website. As previous posters have said, act fast and calm. Take the decision making out of his hands.

“Is This Your Story? You believed yourself to be in a happy, secure marriage. Then one day, out-of-the-blue, your husband turned to you and said, “I can’t do this anymore” and just like that, your marriage was over.

From that moment on, your life became unrecognizable as you struggled to understand what happened.

I'm here to tell you that you're not alone and you're not crazy - you're a victim of Wife Abandonment Syndrome.

Wife Abandonment Syndrome is when a husband leaves his wife out-of-the-blue without ever having told her that he was unhappy in the marriage. Following his sudden departure, he replaces the caring he'd typically shown her with anger and aggression. He often moves directly in with a girlfriend, leaving his bewildered wife totally devastated. Although recovery is a struggle, many women find that it forces them to reinvent themselves in positive and exciting new ways.”

Sunshineandflipflops Wed 21-Oct-20 07:58:27

Hi OP, my ex husband used the sudden "i'm not happy" line too in our otherwise happy marriage. Took me and everyone else completely by surprise. The difference is that he didn't leave and put on a show of 'trying to make it work' for a few weeks. It was awful as I had no idea what I'd done wrong or how to fix it and it was in the run up to Christmas and I had to keep everything going for our 2 kids.

I then found out 2 days after Christmas that he was having an affair. It was heartbreaking but also by that point a relief as I knew it was nothing I'd done or could fix. When he got home from work that day his bag was packed and I asked him to leave.

Another woman might come out of the woodwork op, but even if not, he sounds like he's had his head turned and thinks the grass is greener elsewhere (even if that's as a single man).

All I can advise is to let yourself grieve, take care of you and your kids and then pick yourself up and sort out the practicalities.

He won't necessarily turn nasty. I know there are a lot of experiences on here of ex partners doing so but mine didn't. He knew full well what he had done and has done the right thing financially by me and our kids (we are 3 years down the line). We are even friendly at this point. I will never forget what he did to us but I feel the kids seeing that we can get on is more important than bitterness right now. Good luck x

WizardOfAus Wed 21-Oct-20 08:02:41

There’s also this checklist from the website.

Hallmarks of Wife Abandonment Syndrome

1. Prior to the separation, the husband had seemed to be an attentive, emotionally engaged spouse, looked upon by his wife as honest and trustworthy.

2.The husband had never said that he was unhappy in the marriage or thinking of leaving, and the wife believed herself to be in a secure relationship.

3.The husband typically blurts out the news that the marriage is over "out-of-the-blue" in the middle of a mundane domestic conversation.

4.Reasons given for his decision are nonsensical, exaggerated, trivial or fraudulent.

5.By the time the husband reveals his intentions to his wife, the end of the marriage is already a fait accompli and he often moves out quickly.

6.The husband’s behavior changes radically, so much so that it seems to his wife that he has become a cruel and vindictive stranger.

7.The husband shows no remorse; rather, he blames his wife and may describe himself as the victim.

8.In almost all cases, the husband had been having an affair.

9.The husband makes no attempt to help his wife, either financially or emotionally, as if all positive regard for her has been completely extinguished.

10. Systematically devaluing the marriage, the husband denies what he had previously described as positive aspects of the couple's joint history.

WTFis2020 Wed 21-Oct-20 08:23:28

Guys you are all amazing ❤️
I’m preparing myself for the other woman but know it will hit like a ton of bricks. I feel ridiculed and like a failure.

What should my next step be?
1. Remain silent & leave the next step to him?
2. Inform some close shared friends (his mates are all family men and I think or hope they’d be as shocked as me)
3. Pack up the rest of his belongings
4. Any other options other than the above


OP’s posts: |
Sunshineandflipflops Wed 21-Oct-20 08:27:55

If I were you op, I would take options 2 and 3.
You need to talk to people and maybe his friends might be able to talk to him if it's not another woman.
BUT, he needs to know that what he is about to do is final (if that's how you feel) so packing up at least some of his things might be a good step.
Have you sat down and had a talk with him since he left? Maybe that would be another possible next step. Walking out on a 17 year relationship and family is a massive thing so I think i would want to know I had done all I could to see if it was fixable under your circumstances and/or to find out a bit more about what he is thinking so I could understand better.

MuserOwl Wed 21-Oct-20 08:28:40

You are wise to smell the coffee :-/
He probably was happy with you. Right now tho he is prepar3d to throw that away for freedom.
Make sure he is respinsible for the dc at least 30% of time. He wants to skip off in to the sunset with all his freedom....
In this scenario u r at home.

veraismyspiritanimal Wed 21-Oct-20 08:31:47

It's often the 'perfect family' and 'perfect marriage' this happens to. Cheaters know exactly how to pull the wool over your eyes so will invest as much as they need to at home to avoid suspicion

nancybotwinbloom Wed 21-Oct-20 08:33:48

For me the fact he has told the kids makes it pretty final.

Now you need to try and put your emotions aside and make a list of things you need to do.

Rip the plaster off quick and get prepared as like people say, he may turn nasty when it comes to the financial side.

Soonest done, soonest mended and all that.

Copy any financial info you have within the house.

Pensions, savings etc.

Do you want to stay in the house?

Are you ready to talk to a solicitor?

Have you got support in real life?

Channel your emotions into sorting out you and the kids.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

jeaux90 Wed 21-Oct-20 08:38:40

How old are the kids? It's important that he doesn't get to slink off without taking at least part time responsibility for them. Get that working now so you don't end up having 100% of the responsibilities and he ends up being the Santa dad every other weekend. You will also need time to yourself in the future to pursue things in life that make you happy.

You are about to enter the negotiation of your life so you need to think about what it is you want in terms of the house and your own financial position.

See a solicitor. Get ahead of this.

WTFis2020 Wed 21-Oct-20 08:39:11

He offers no explanation and ignores my texts. He has asked to take the kids out this evening but they have told me they’re not really up to it.
I don’t want to beg again for an explanation- I need to keep my dignity in this.
As he left with his suitcase the other day I asked him to sit and talk and to try and salvage our 17 years together. His response was ‘it’s done’.
I think I will pack up the rest of his scutty belongings (he’s taken his decent clothes) and await the next step from him. It has been his choice to leave so let him reveal it to the world - he is obviously awaiting me to do his dirty work

OP’s posts: |
WTFis2020 Wed 21-Oct-20 08:42:57

Kids are 11 and 13. He’s always been the fun dad whilst I’m the nagging mum telling them to tidy up and sort their homework. The kids are really bemused by the whole situation and burst into tears.
I have a decent job and could pay my own way, but obviously want what I am entitled to.

OP’s posts: |
FlatandFabulous Wed 21-Oct-20 08:48:21

I work as a mediator with separated parents, I have been doing it for quite a long time. I have never yet come across any case where a man leaves a long term (10 year plus) relationship where there isn't either another woman or, very occasionally, another man. Men are generally lazy and like the status quo. They won't move out of a home where their needs are generally met unless they have somewhere else to go. Women on the other hand often leave because the relationship has got to the point where they can't bear it any more for many different reasons. Don't let him make you look like the bad guy, cry/rant/swear with your friends and family, look outwardly reasonable and rational because he will try and justify his actions. Get a good lawyer, not the kind who is invested in keeping you in conflict for years - nobody wins - just the kind who will help you get a fair financial settlement for you and your kids. Put the onus back on him , "what do you suggest we do", "what are your proposals", and please remember if you have been home looking after the kids while he has built his career do not accept a 50:50 split of assets, you will more than likely be entitled to more. Good luck.

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