Husband left and can’t decide if he wants to come home or not

[Saffy980]

Hi, I need some advice. My husband walked out 4 weeks ago saying he needed space but now he’s saying he doesn’t know if he wants to come back or not. He’s living in his parents spare room while they are away (stuck for lockdown)
I’ve seen him a few times and last weekend he was lovely to me holding hands hugging snd kissed me and in front of the kids (14 and 16) said he was thinking about coming home and it would be soon but a week and a half later still not back and telling me the more I try and talk to him, text etc he’s getting angry and not wanting to come back.
We’ve been married 20 years and I had my 40th in September. He waited two weeks after my birthday to leave and even told me he’d been thinking about it for months
I’m blaming myself and thinking if I’d been less of a nag or more affectionate or just left him to go what he wanted rather than badgering him to do stuff he might not have left
I’m in agony and cannot stop crying. I don’t feel like I have the strength to just leave him to it to make his mind up. I feel as if I leave him alone he will stay away more.
Any advice please please, i feel like I want to die. I’m in bits. I love him so much and don’t want loose him.

Men rarely leave if there’s no “plan B woman”. Chances are he’s with the woman who made a pass at him.
They lie and promise there’s no one else so they don’t burn their bridges if the affair doesn’t work out and so the dc won’t hate him.

Get yourself armed up financially and legally. He doesn’t deserve you.

My first husband did this. Every time he returned back home we celebrated, until the time I told him I didn’t want to live like that any more.

Long, loooong story short I told him not to come back the final time, but he did, so I didn’t ever return. He moved his girlfriend in within less than two months.

Happy marriages don’t need space.

Hmmm another women has turned his head most definitely

Pick up and get on with your life, nothing quite as alluring as a strong and independent women.

Then when he begs to come back, kick him to the kerb.

I have to take exception to your comment about your daughter 'sitting on the fence' by still seeing her father. You don't have any right, no matter how badly he has behaved with regards to your marriage, to expect your children not to see their father - no matter what their age. He will always be their father, even if he is no longer your husband. Their relationship with him is entirely separate to your marriage.

Eldest is still seeing him a few nights a week after school, she’s sitting in the fence!!! I’m not going to stop them seeing him though, but they know how badly he’s treating me and how selfish he’s being.

I know this is a very upsetting situation, but trying to get your children to take sides will only damage them, and your relationship with them. Please don't do it.

Your relationship with your husband is separate from their relationship with their father.

Everyone has said what needs to be said.

Chances are there is another woman or at the very least someone he is interested in.

Assume he has gone. Start telling yourself you don't want or need him back and you deserve respect and better treatment than this.

Start looking for a good solicitor.

When he comes crawling back as he sees you managing really well without him you'll be strong enough to tell him to fuck off.

OP do you have any support from anyone who isn't your H's family? I think it would do you good to have someone to talk to who doesn't have a bias for him.

@MyOwnSummer. That’s currently my situation, although I’m your mum.
Mine kept me on a string (there was OW), he had the best of both worlds for a good few months. He also stayed at his dads house (only that was a lie). He was and still is with OW. I decided for him, decided I wasn’t going to sit around waiting for someone who clearly didn’t really want me. All our money has gone, we don’t know where he is.

Oh OP that sounds so awful for you. It is not easy to woman up when your heart is breaking. You know he is messing you around and causing you more pain, but cos you love him and want him back, what can you do? You can't just switch those feelings off.

I would distract myself as much as possible, as you are trying to do. Try try try not to jump to his tune-- you'll also seem more desirable to him if you are a bit aloof.

He sounds like he's being dick but it could be that he is genuinely confused and messing up.

Time will give you strength or resolve things one way or another. Don't beat yourself up for being 'weak'. You're human. Strength takes time.

I never said I was stopping her or my son. They have right to do whatever they want but she’s trying to stay in the middle and not take side whereas my son won’t trust him again and won’t see him.

Not sure how people think I’m making them take sides??? When did I ever say that??? She’s seeing him, that her choice but she’s trying to please both. My son doesn’t want to see him, I’m not making him but I’m not telling him to stay away either. They are old enough to make up their own minds.

@CrazyToast thank you. I do believe he is messed up, he’s got some issues that he can’t get past. He cries about what he’s doing, I’ve seen it myself. But it hurts that he can’t see past wherever it is and realise that I want to help him and support him through whatever it is.
I don’t think there is another woman. He’s not like that, he’s very introverted and shy so I just can’t see him doing something like that.
He just can’t seem to work out what it is he wants or needs. He has said he loves me and cares about me and hates to see me upset but he doesn’t want to come home just to please everyone else. He wants to come home but for the right reasons and for some reason he can’t seem to work those out.

He cries about what he’s doing, that's the guilt

I don’t think there is another woman. He’s not like that, he’s very introverted and shy so I just can’t see him doing something like that. said every wronged women in this situation

He wants to come home but for the right reasons and for some reason he can’t seem to work those out. Because he is enjoying his other life and isn't sure where it's going yet

My H of 20 years did the same. I let it go on for a YEAR letting him stay only at weekends. There WAS an OW. He never got back.

Like @GeorginaTheGiant I was the child in this situation although I was teenage like your children are, OP.

My dad left and came back whenever he felt like it from when I was 14 to about 18. I really did blame my mum for being a doormat and just accepting whatever he did. Every time he left again she would collapse in a heap and we had to prop her up. It made life very difficult for us, and completely disrupted our exam years. My brother went to University as far away as possible to get away from it, while I felt I needed to stay home and take care of my mum who was a mess for a long time. So impacted our choices as young adults as well.

In our case there was definitely OW, who was also married and not sure what she wanted. Eventually they married and we're now all NC with him. We do have a good relationship with our mum but that took time to recover. She has been very happy with her (new) partner for 20 years now.

I know it's really hard, but your DH has already treated you very badly @Saffy980, and in front of your children. He decided to leave, so now you decide, for your own sake, and your DC, what's going to happen next for you. Do not wait around for him to make decisions for you. I agree with pp that you sort out all the finances etc quickly, each time my dad left again he would take things from the house to help set up his new life - the camping equipment, the good camera etc - that we didn't realise were missing until later. You deserve better

I honestly think you’d be doing you BOTH a favour to make his mind up for him and say he has to stay away for the rest of the month (yes actually away from the house and you) because you both need space. Whether he’s genuinely agonised or not this makes sense. And stop communicating during that time too, except children related if need be.

You need to get out of the habit of trying to fix it for him, I know you’re only doing it out of love but it’s not going to help at the moment. Just leave him alone alone so he can get a real idea of what being single means.

He kissed you infront of his children when he is not sure what he wants? That's horrible behaviour and must be very confusing for them. I think that shows how selfish he is being. He is not sure what he wants. Fine. He should have been talking it through with a counsellor, making a decision, and sticking to it for a while as well as taking into account everyone else in the situation and the impact on them. He sounds incredibly selfish- it's entirely about him and fuck everyone else. If you want to put up with that behaviour towards you that's fine but I don't think it's fair on the children to not know whether their dad is living with them next week or if their parents are together or separated, and for that reason I think you need to say enough is enough

@Saffy980

Not sure how people think I’m making them take sides??? When did I ever say that??? She’s seeing him, that her choice but she’s trying to please both. My son doesn’t want to see him, I’m not making him but I’m not telling him to stay away either. They are old enough to make up their own minds.

You literally said this:

she’s trying to stay in the middle and not take side whereas my son won’t trust him again and won’t see him.

You are clearly expecting her to 'take your side'.

@ShowingOut no I’m not. And these comments attacking me aren’t helpful at all.
My kids have their own minds and I won’t stop them seeing him if they want and equally I won’t make them if they don’t want to.
Their choice.

OP is not making her children take sides at all. She has literally just said she's letting them make their own decisions regarding contact with him. At their age, this is the correct thing to do. So well done OP. There will always be people that look for something to criticize. They are best ignored.
I agree with the advice that you should remove yourself as an option though. I have been exactly where you are and it was hell. I think once you make the decision that it's over you can start putting your life back together. Even if he comes back, you'll never be feel secure again.

Oh poor him! What a difficult choice for him, deciding if he wants to bless him wife and children with his presence! OP you poor thing, you need to prioritise yourself and your children, a serious talk is needed. He needs to choose, set out a time frame, decidecwgat you both want and need and only do it if it makes you happy.

At the moment you are worrying about trying to fix your marriage, at the same time worried about facing life as a single parent. One is enough for anyone to deal with.

OP, Christmas is a prime example of how you should make plans in the best interests of you and your kids, not dither around wondering if your arsehole of a cheating husband (sorry but you’re being frighteningly naive-he 100% has another woman in his sights even if they’re not together yet) is going to grace you with his presence. Fuck that. Your children deserve a happy and stable Christmas at home with their reliable parent so decide right now that’s what will be happening and crack on with making some nice plans (within the obvious current constraints). Stop offering yourself and your children up as an option and saying you can’t make plans because you don’t know what will be going on with him. That’s bollocks. Decide your own plans and leave him well out of them. It might just be that a sad lonely Christmas with a ready meal for one is what he needs to underline to him what’s at stake here.

I know this is hard but you simply just toughen up and put yourself first otherwise you’re going to be repeatedly shat over and your children will be damaged from watching it.

And I agree you’re not making your children take sides at all.

Well I think that the OP is expecting her children to take sides.

"Eldest is still seeing him a few nights a week after school, she’s sitting in the fence!!!"