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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband left and can’t decide if he wants to come home or not

265 replies

Saffy980 · 04/11/2020 23:54

Hi, I need some advice. My husband walked out 4 weeks ago saying he needed space but now he’s saying he doesn’t know if he wants to come back or not. He’s living in his parents spare room while they are away (stuck for lockdown)
I’ve seen him a few times and last weekend he was lovely to me holding hands hugging snd kissed me and in front of the kids (14 and 16) said he was thinking about coming home and it would be soon but a week and a half later still not back and telling me the more I try and talk to him, text etc he’s getting angry and not wanting to come back.
We’ve been married 20 years and I had my 40th in September. He waited two weeks after my birthday to leave and even told me he’d been thinking about it for months
I’m blaming myself and thinking if I’d been less of a nag or more affectionate or just left him to go what he wanted rather than badgering him to do stuff he might not have left
I’m in agony and cannot stop crying. I don’t feel like I have the strength to just leave him to it to make his mind up. I feel as if I leave him alone he will stay away more.
Any advice please please, i feel like I want to die. I’m in bits. I love him so much and don’t want loose him.

OP posts:
MrsHound · 05/11/2020 14:10

Grab what remains of your dignity with both hands and tell him to fuck right off.

unebaguettepastropcuite · 05/11/2020 14:16

I'm sorry but his heart clearly isn't in it.
He's chosen to leave and is now being a bit of a coward about it as it isn't as easy as he thought it would be.
But you are letting him mess with you. Stand up for yourself, you deserve better.

GeorginaTheGiant · 05/11/2020 14:18

Sitting on the fence can just mean she’s not got strong feelings either way about her dad. It doesn’t mean she’s not yet decided whether to ‘side with’ her mum over her dad or anything like that. In any case at her age I would think it highly unlikely she won’t end with a very damaged if not non existent relationship with her father after this. With or without any encouragement from her mum. Teenagers aren’t stupid and they’re not generally fans of being walked out on and treated like shit.

Spreadingchestnut · 05/11/2020 14:37

@GeorginaTheGiant

OP, Christmas is a prime example of how you should make plans in the best interests of you and your kids, not dither around wondering if your arsehole of a cheating husband (sorry but you’re being frighteningly naive-he 100% has another woman in his sights even if they’re not together yet) is going to grace you with his presence. Fuck that. Your children deserve a happy and stable Christmas at home with their reliable parent so decide right now that’s what will be happening and crack on with making some nice plans (within the obvious current constraints). Stop offering yourself and your children up as an option and saying you can’t make plans because you don’t know what will be going on with him. That’s bollocks. Decide your own plans and leave him well out of them. It might just be that a sad lonely Christmas with a ready meal for one is what he needs to underline to him what’s at stake here.

I know this is hard but you simply just toughen up and put yourself first otherwise you’re going to be repeatedly shat over and your children will be damaged from watching it.

I think this is good advice about Christmas.

Unless you think he has a serious mh issue (which is difficult to call, but even so, he is responsible for trying to do something about it and presumably has the support of his own family) tell him that you are making your own plans and that you would appreciate him not gate-crashing as you need the time and space alone with the DC after such a stressful period of time. And they need that stability.

Then you and the DC can at least have the Christmas you expected and planned for, altough of course it will be difficult for all of you. I would try and be "real" about that with the DC, and accept that they will be sad, but try and do some enjoyable things that they like too.

This gives him the message that you are thinking of the future and moving on with your own life, whether he is there or not, and, at the very least, it prevents yours and the dcs' Christmas being ruined by his cruel dithering. And make sure you plan some thing lovely for yourself if the DC go over to be with him one day. Flowers

Saffy980 · 05/11/2020 14:45

@GeorginaTheGiant thanks so much, that did make me laugh a bit , sad lonely Xmas with ready meal for one! That it def will be as his parents are away for Xmas so he’ll be alone in their house and he’s already told me he’s under no illusion that he will be miserable if it gets that far!

OP posts:
GeorginaTheGiant · 05/11/2020 14:50

Sorry Op but he sounds like more of a manipulative arse with everything you post. He’s the one doing this yet he’s laying it on you that he’ll be miserable?! I’m sorry, what?! Any suffering he may go through is entirely of his own doing and trying to play to your inherently female caring nature is absolutely shit of him. So what if he feels crap, he deserves it. Sorry if I’m projecting from my own dad behaving like this but it’s really giving me the rage. If Christmas comes and he is by some chance alone and not shacked up with OW by then, PLEASE don’t weaken and invite him to be with you. He shouldn’t get to cherry pick the nice bits of family life and breeze in and out, leaning you and your children to pick up the crap. No, if he’s gone he’s gone.

Henrietty · 05/11/2020 15:00

@Nicolastuffedone

The other woman is dithering.....it’s not so exciting now he’s actually left you.
I agree with this. The grass isn’t always greener, as they say. The other woman is having second thoughts now he’s actually left. He’s trying to keep you both sweet and keep his options open. Please don’t beg for him to come back, don’t do the pick me dance. Even if he does come home, your relationship will never be the same. Sounds like he’s mentally checked out out anyway.

Also, that performance he put on in front of the kids is so he can blame you later on. He can spin it as him trying and making effort with you and you not reciprocating. He wants to stay the good guy because he knows it’ll look bad as he has an ow. Unfortunately, I’ve seen it all before

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 05/11/2020 15:37

I agree with people saying he is behaving awfully talking to you about how he is upset etc- you can't leave your wife then complain to said wife how upset you are over it! Well you can if you are completely self centred and have some empathy.

Also beware he is still pretending to be nice to you infront of others so that when you finally get sick of it, he can paint you as the bad guy

Flittingaboutagain · 05/11/2020 15:39

OP I really feel for you. What kind of a husband he was before isn't the be all and end all. Lots of people find the truly lovely man they were with has changed seemingly so quickly once they happen to meet someone else by chance. It doesn't mean he wasn't all those lovely things. Just that he has got himself into a place where he felt he deserved to be happier.

Nicolastuffedone · 05/11/2020 15:42

As Carrie Fisher said about affairs ‘we all know that legal sex is shite’

Drinkingallthewine · 05/11/2020 15:45

Ok so you want him back?

Here's what you do. Become a badass. Tell him you've had enough of him messing you about and that you agree you need to separate because you've realised that you, too, need space to think.
Then do that. Don't do couple stuff or family stuff, and make it seen that you are preparing to move on. Fake it until you make it. Give yourself six months of space from his nonsense and head fucking.
Obviously we are all hoping that at the end of that time, he'll see what he's fucked up, that he'll be begging to come back, but that you'll have found your self esteem and respect and have decided you can do better than this cruel man. But if not, only take him back on YOUR terms if it's what you truly want and if he's been absolutely truthful and remorseful.
The quickest way you can drive him away is what you are doing right now, with begging and walks and kisses. This shows him that your self-respect is at it's lowest point right now and he's happy to wring your heart out playing with it to keep you hooked in. It shows him that he can take his sweet time deciding what he wants because you will be sitting in your puddle of tears where he left you whenever he decides. Don't let him do that to you. You sound lovely but sweetheart you need to get a bit ballsy here.

Dontbeme · 05/11/2020 16:05

He has promised me there is no one else and he has always been very truthful about that, even telling me once a girl at work had made a pass at him!!

This was him testing your boundaries for what you will tolerate. He told you point blank another woman is interested in him and now he needs time out from your marriage. It's no coincidence OP.

Mine was a shy type, hated cheating and cheaters too. It didn't stop him from having sex with prostitutes or an affair with a coworker that lasted four years on and off. He did the move out for "space" nonsense, I did the crying please come home routine too. He reignited the affair while having "space". Now he can have as much "space" as he likes, miles and miles away from me.

Start making plans that suit you and the DC, plan Christmas for the three of you, if he wants family Christmas let him host your DC, not just saunter back to you and then leave when again when the turkey and stuffing is finished. Time to protect yourself and the DC, they need and deserve that, so do you.

Onthedunes · 05/11/2020 16:13

Oh dear, he's pulling the old nervous breakdown card out.

I would believe this if he had not dangled his inailiable right to come back whenever he wanted, kisses you, there, there wifey you never know your luck I may re-appear.

People who have breakdowns generally don,t have this sort of confidence.

You know your husband best but this site is full of people who thought No, we have been married 20/30/40 years plus, we are different, he wouldn't throw everthing away children, grandchildren, us.

They do.

You are in no mans land at the moment, you have absolutely no idea why he left. Therefor you can't make a solid decision.
Understandable.

But here's where the really bad part comes in: many women find out about these affairs by gut feeling, sluething, agrieved OW or idiot husbands being so wrapped up in their uphoria that mistakes are made or sometimes they automatically seem to know the love of their life is met.

Who knows how this will end but we think he maybe gaslighting you and that is a very abusive behaviour, he's playing the victim meanwhile your mental health will keep going down the pan and maybe he is getting his ducks in a row.

The hurt is immense, we know that and it is precisely that reason we have your back.
We can't tell you how to play this but we can warn you, please don't let him rip you off financially as well as emotionally.

Sit down and think, coulld he actually be capable of such cruelty.
Stop automatically believing every word that comes out of his mouth.

I you can't face the possibility there is another women at least think of this:

If he does go for OW and manages to rip you off financially, what happens when you both leave this mortal earth?

Your half goes to your kids, his half is left to the usually younger OW.
OW then leaves everthing to her children.

Think about your childrens future, you are no longer a team with this man.

Caeruleanblue · 05/11/2020 16:15

Sorry Op but he sounds like more of a manipulative arse with everything you post

Definitely - because the OW is probably still married or at least has children so he obviously won't be with her on Xmas day.

WizardOfAus · 05/11/2020 16:36

He has promised me there is no one else and he has always been very truthful about that, even telling me once a girl at work had made a pass at him!!

This is your ego-stroking OW and the affair has likely been going on since his depression (read: guilt) kicked in.

copperoliver · 05/11/2020 17:07

You need to have the strength to leave him to make his mind up otherwise you will lose him. He is obviously feeling fed up and stressed and under pressure, you putting pressure on him will not go in your favour. He needs to see what he is missing with family life without the pressure. Maybe meet him at the weekend on your own at his parents if you can get a takeaway or something and have a nice date night. (Then you go home). Get the romance back and enjoy each other's company he may miss this. Some men need a lot of attention.
When he does come home go out more together as a couple as well as doing stuff as a family. X

GeorginaTheGiant · 05/11/2020 17:41

What the actual fuck @copperoliver
That is truly awful advice unless you plan to live your life as some 1950s stepford wife who panders go her poor little husband who ‘needs lots of attention‘ Hmm
Or you could have some self respect and consider your own needs and what you deserve. And having date nights is all well and good if you’re both making the effort to rebuild a marriage but for the OP to go and see her husband for a date night and then leave again, to go back to the family home and do all the shit work...well that’s just letting him have his cake and eat it. Seriously, I’m astounded and appalled that anyone would think like you! Raise your bar, please.

GeorginaTheGiant · 05/11/2020 17:43

Oh and I’m pretty sure her husband is getting plenty of attention, just not from her!

copperoliver · 05/11/2020 17:59

This reply has been deleted

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Skyla2005 · 05/11/2020 18:16

I know you won’t do this but from an outside point of view the best thing to do is make his mind up for him ! How dare he leave you hanging like this it’s not ok. You are heartbroken but you will get over him in time but you need to be strong and put your foot down. Men hardly ever leave their family unless there is someone else. Another woman will come out of the woodwork a few months down the line. Be strong for your children and tell him it’s over

copperoliver · 05/11/2020 18:21

@GeorginaTheGiant also I wasn't talking about my relationship so I don't have to raise the bar. I was talking about how she feels and she wants to give her relationship a change if she can. It's up to her If she wants to pull out all the stops to make her marriage work, I don't think she should run after him I think if she wants it to work maybe they need to spend time together rather than being mummy and daddy all the time, the trap most of us fall into.
You need to let people have their own opinion with out being rude and coming across as a control freak.

HugeAckmansWife · 05/11/2020 18:41

When my ex left out if the blue for ow, 8 did the 'pick me' dance. It completely failed. The only time he even vaguely looked like he might come back was when he misinterpreted a message from me saying he COULDN'T come back.. Can't remember the details now but the idea that suddenly it wasn't just his choice freaked him out. Once I made it clear I would still have him back (we had v young kids, not long married) he wasn't interested. Incidentally, he remained 'nice' about the finances etc until I genuinely did get to the point where I wouldn't have him back, got angry and stopped making it easy for him. Then he was a cunt and has largely continued to be so. OP, you may or may not decide you want him back but either way, acting like you do, won't achieve it. As a pp said, focus on your household, your Xmas plans etc. If he asks, tell him you and the kids are doing x and DO NOT ask, beg or suggest he joins you. And don't ask what he's doing. Aloof, cool, civil. That's s what you need.

Whatabambam · 05/11/2020 22:40

You sound like you are in a very distressed place and my first thought is that you need to seek help, love and support from your GP, family and friends. It sounds like he has checked out of the relationship and it doesn't matter what you want; the decision is his alone. Please don't ask for him back again. You are in the very natural stages of denial and self recrimination is perfectly normal right now. Try not to beat yourself up. He had a duty to share his feelings with you earlier than at the point of leaving. You are naturally traumatised and you will be several months or even years behind his thought process. And,yes, there will be another woman. The mental health problems may well stem from feelings of guilt and shame. Start checking for evidence. It will help you see him for what he is and it will help you fall out of love with him. He doesn't deserve you or your love

NeonGenesis · 06/11/2020 04:00

Some men need a lot of attention.

Your post made me feel a bit sick.

My husband is one of those men that needs a lot of attention, and you know what? He gets it from me because I get it in return. He respects me and treats me very well. He doesn't piss off somewhere else and tell me he can't decide if he's coming home, and tell lies in front of our children. You must be living in a time warp if you think that women have put up with that kind of shit, all whilst smiling and endeavoring to give him more attention.

Respect in a marriage is a two way street.

Watermelon24 · 06/11/2020 08:20

If you ever want your relationship to be equal again, he has to be the one to try and win you back after this, and not the other way around. He will have to put effort in to rebuild your trust and make you feel secure. You can't be the one to walk on eggshells trying to please him and keep him for the rest of your life. Make sure you remember this whatever happens x