Husband left and can’t decide if he wants to come home or not

[Saffy980]

Hi, I need some advice. My husband walked out 4 weeks ago saying he needed space but now he’s saying he doesn’t know if he wants to come back or not. He’s living in his parents spare room while they are away (stuck for lockdown)
I’ve seen him a few times and last weekend he was lovely to me holding hands hugging snd kissed me and in front of the kids (14 and 16) said he was thinking about coming home and it would be soon but a week and a half later still not back and telling me the more I try and talk to him, text etc he’s getting angry and not wanting to come back.
We’ve been married 20 years and I had my 40th in September. He waited two weeks after my birthday to leave and even told me he’d been thinking about it for months
I’m blaming myself and thinking if I’d been less of a nag or more affectionate or just left him to go what he wanted rather than badgering him to do stuff he might not have left
I’m in agony and cannot stop crying. I don’t feel like I have the strength to just leave him to it to make his mind up. I feel as if I leave him alone he will stay away more.
Any advice please please, i feel like I want to die. I’m in bits. I love him so much and don’t want loose him.

Why did he need space did he say?

So, you will take him back no matter what, and are desperate for him to come back? I assume with no consequences or request for him to change his behaviour?

Meanwhile, he has walked away from you and the DC, with no guilt whatsoever. He's being cruel by dragging out this decision making process and not allowing you to move on with your life. He has (if I read it correctly) no concrete reasons for leaving....

Honestly, I don't know why you want someone who is so horrible to you.

I don't mean to be cruel OP , but I'd put money at this point on him having been treating you badly in other ways long before he walked out.

Let him go. You deserve so much more than this.

He's keeping you hanging in case his other option doesn't work out.

Stop chasing. Give yourself time to decide what is best for you not him.

Hugs hun. Prior to him leaving did he give any explanations? He's been thinking about it for months...? But I'm assuming this is all news to you? 20 years of being together and now he wants to end it, why?

Personally I would leave him be and let him make his decision and not influence it but easier said than done.

Could there be another woman?

Walk away and don’t give him a choice

He sounds horrible and you deserve better

@Whatsnewpussyhat i was thinking the same thing. Keeping his options open.

Or wants his cake and eat it too.

You were married very young, I assume you have little experience in adult break ups.

If he is unhappy in your relationship and wants to end it there is little you can do. Sounds like he has all the power here, saying the more you talk the angrier he is getting. He is the one who walked away do you not have the right or inclination to be angry as well?

I have found, but it might just be me, that men react more calmly if you ignore them. Then their huff has no where to go.

Get on with you and teenagers living, carrying on without him for a bit. Ignore him for a bit.

But you do eventually need to talk. But it can wait for now.

Cherchez la femme.

He's keeping his options open. Have you seen this "spare room" he's supposedly living in?

Quickest way to get him back?

Tell him you dont want him back.

But in all honesty, why would you want a man who doesnt give a shit about your tears and pain, back in you life?
Tell him you dont want him back and fake it until you make it, because I guarantee that when he is begging to come back, you wont want him anymore.

Let him go, why would you want to continue to be with someone who has done this to you

If he has done it once he will do it again and again when things get tough, leaving you to sort it and knowing when it’s calmer you will have him back

I,m so sorry your going through this.

Your in the dark whilst he's pretending he doesn't know what he's doing.
He's testing the waters for another life.

Meanwhile you have to play this differently.
He loves the idea your in bits and can return back whenever he wants with the added bonus that you will never be able to impose another boundary on him.

It really is win win for him. So...

Make an appointment with a solicitor ( get a free half hour) and tell him...
You have left me, ignored me and obviously don't care I am seeking advice.

Get your ducks in a row.

This may speed up his decision about coming back.

Take care

I absolutely agree with all pp's advice. Why does he get to call al the shots? You're being punished for whatever slights he can throw at you hit in a relationship it takes two. He has absolutely destroyed you with his actions. No taking about it. No coming to you, his supposed partner to try and save things together. He doesn't get to drop this shit filled bomb on you and walk away leaving you to hold the fort.

As easy as it is for me to day and as hard as it is for you to do, you need to go no or low contact. That means no contacting him. No immediate answers to his messages. No interest whatsoever on what he is doing. You need to take the time to decide what you want. The instinct is to panic and to hold tighter to what you think you've lost but honestly were you as happy as you thought? Will you ever be able to recover from such a betrayal if he comes home? Particularly if he spins the old story that he's come home to do you a favour.

You may cry and weep when he's not looking but to him you present a cold front. You are polite yet firm. He does not deserve the best you right now. He doesn't get to have the warm loving wife while he's pissing in the wind. You need to put on your tough exterior and take back your control. You cannot change him or his actions so the only option is to change yours. Protect your children and your financial interests and start thinking hard about your options.

Sorry you've had such a bombshell dropped on you.

I’m sorry op. You say you don’t want to lose him . What exactly do you want to keep ? A man who moves out saying he needs space , then comes back for the day , showing you affection in front of your DC, who are no doubt very upset by his actions , then after doing just enough to give you a bit of hope , dashes then once again by telling you he doesn’t know if he wants to come back .
The chances of there being another woman in the background are very high. He’s doing just enough to keep the door open should things not work out with OW.
The fact that he involved your kids in this shitshow is what floors me ., what a selfish cunt he is
This shouldn’t be about what your husband wants , it’s about what you want .
If he does decide to come back , bless him , it will a matter of time till he does the exact same thing again ( as In when the next potential OW floats into his life )I’d not stand to have my kids treated like this . He is a disgusting excuse for a DH and an even worse DF. All of you deserve so so much more .

There is no reason he can’t live back home, lockdown isn’t the issue.

Don’t kiss him. He left, he’s made that choice and not “deciding” is also a choice.

You do realise he's got you right where he wants you?

By the way, it is not your fault or anything you have done, he's turned things round to blame you so he appears the victim.

He's at his parents, send your kids round unexpectedly to see him of an evening, see what he's up to.

Hire a PI if you can afford one, knowledge is power.
I know you want all this to just go away but being nice isn't going to work.

Read the cheaters script, he could have had his head turned, mid life crisis and all that bollocks.
He's nipping back to keep you dangling on a string to keep his options open by the sounds of it, so he's not 100% sure.

He's a git and if he does finally return after having his 'space' you will probably never like him again for hurting you so cruelly.

He's majorly fucked up.
In one way or another he's going to regret this.

My husband left after 20 years too, back and forth, back and forth never knowing what he wanted, I found out long after the event there was another woman.
It didn't work out and he wanted to come back but I just told him to bugger off as I'd had quite enough of this nonsense by then.
I did the right thing.

Be prepared for there being another woman. Think about what you want and need. What do you deserve in a partner - try to think objectively - what would you advise a friend? Can he deliver that?

It's really tempting to crave the status quo back, but that ship has sailed, even if he came back, he'd always be that guy that left and you have so far cast yourself in the role of being the grateful wife at home. Is that what you want for yourself?

I'm so sorry OP. You have already lost him. Nothing can ever be the same again. Even if his new woman and he don't work out and he suddenly wants to come home, what you had has been spoilt as you'll live in fear of him walking again.

Oh and if he starts back tracking the favourite ...

"But I left to stop the arguments"

Your response should be...

" Yes and I'm divorcing you and taking half (at least) of everything, to stop further arguments"

Hoards of mumsnetters with be here to support you with their excellent advice, your not alone.

Everyday this happens to someone.
Sending hugs

You have children together so you will always have a connection together, but the relationship is gone. It's going to kill your heart for a while, maybe even years, but you need to walk away.

He's being physically casting to you because that's the routine now. He understandably needs hugs and sex himself and you're the main person to go to for that, historically, so it will be the go-to move for him when he needs it. He will leave again just as quick once he had his fix of affection.

You're not the people you were 20yrs ago. The kids don't need close parenting anymore and the family dynamic is changing. He's trying to see where he fits in and he's not finding a place. Maybe he's even looking elsewhere. Some men can't handle going back to the empty nest stage, if you know what I mean. They feel their work is done and can't remember how to just be a partner to you. Leave him in silence for a few days or weeks, let him have some loneliness. You might find you start to like your new found freedom yourself.

You will hurt. You will cry and feel like your heart is dying. It's heartbreak. It's necessary and healthy to express. But it won't be forever X

What an arsehole. Telling you that in front of the kids.

Start ignoring his calls OP. Don't let him wander in and out like he has a right. Let him see what it's like now he's left...HE split with you really.

Go and speak to a solicitor