Rages/smashing things but not physically hurting you

[Friedbanana]

Hello, just wanting some advice/ pointers to where i can read about this as i’m not sure where to search to find info. Basically DP gets very frustrated/angry very easily, at basically the slightest disagreement, and i try to give him space and leave to go to another room and then he cools off, but if for some reason he follows me or i follow him, or i just continue the discussion calmly because i dont realise he’s bubbling, then he will suddenly, without warning, throw something really violently- in the past he’s smashed a kettle into the wall (right next to me) and broken a kitchen tile (and the kettle), he’s thrown chairs at bins amd broken both, he’ll kick things (breaking his sandles) and slam doors very forcefully. It used to sometimes send me into a panic attack as sometimes it would be really close to me and really scare me. The worst rage was when i was sat at the top of the stairs and he ran along the corridor as if he was going to push me doenstairs but he didnt, but i genuinely thought he was going to. He said later he would absolutely never hurt me, and if i thought he had the capability of hurting me i should leave. i don’t think he would either, but it really does hurt me mentally. Anyway today i confronted him and said he needs to sort it out as it makes me v anxious, and he needs to sort it out before we try for children, as I can’t bring them up with that around them, particuarly as the triggers will be a million times worse when there’s a baby. He says he tried his best to control it, and for the first time in 8 years or our relationship he told me thats how his father was around him- terrible rages and smashing things when he or his sister did anything the tiniest bit wrong. he never physically abused them. He doesnt feel loved by either of his parents even though we do see them each fortnight id say (before lockdown) and it’s very sad. So anyway just wanting some advice really on how to support him. I love him very very much and wouldnt leave him, i think he’d make a fantastic dad apart from this issue. He also suffers with depression and social anxiety but sadly refuses any professional help. Thanks so much for reading!!

If he won’t get professional help then you need to leave him. Do not have children with this man.

I’m willing to bet that he only does this around you. Does he do it with work colleagues? Friends? Did he does this when you first started out?

Run.

Please do not have children with this man.

You owe him nothing, hard as it is you owe it to yourself to move on.

These types only escalate unless they get serious outside help.

He could kill you so act accordingly.

Living on egg shells is never a good thing.Constant stress as to when the next outburst will be.Been there and left. Best thing i ever did .

Fantastic dad???
How low are your standards?
Leave this abusive fucker ASAP and don’t inflict him on your kids.

Dont have kids. If he wants to change he will get professional help.

You can’t help him he needs professional help. He is aware of how his dad’s behaviour has affected him, so he should be aware of how his behaviour will affect your children. If he isn’t prepared to work on it with a professional then you need to walk away.

I absolutely would not have DC with this man. If he can't regulate his emotions now, I dread to think how he will behave when faced with a screaming baby on 4 hours sleep, a tantruming toddler or a stroppy teen. His lack of control will damage his DC, just as his own father's behaviour appears to have damaged him.

Unless he’s willing to get professional help I don’t see how this is going to change. He may not purposefully hurt you but he is willingly causing you fear and it’d be very easy for you to get hurt by what he’s doing even if that isn’t his intention.
You are very correct that you can’t bring children into this relationship; the harm it would cause them is already demonstrated in your DP

It's a deliberate intimidation tactic.

Lundy bankroft worked with abusers for years and found that they controlled these outbursts in order to scare their victims. They do not 'lose control', it is a deliberate act to scare and intimidate you. Sometimes they only have to do it once in a blue moon, sometimes they feel they need to do it more often.

But it boils down to this, your partner is deliberately trying to dominate, terrify and control you. That osnt a partner, it is a jailer. Or as bankroft would say 'a domestic terrorist'.

Get yourself away from this horrible man.
Do not believe the lies about it not being a choice for him or him not wanting to scare you. He absolutely does.

Get yourself to safety. And maybe read 'Why does he do that?' by bankroft. Speaking to womans aid would be wise too. You are being abused.

Get out, he is showing you who he truly is with the violent outbursts. One day it won't be a thing it will be you. And it always gets worse. You deserve so much better.

This man has serious issues that he is not even getting help for, let alone you knowing if the help would 'cure' him.

It is not your place to sacrifice yourself for this man ( a man who is not even taking the responsibility to fix himself). You matter too. You certainly matter enough for a normal functional relationship.

Do not waste your chances to have kids waiting for this man to have kids. Even if he did improve without the pressure of kids, having kids puts couples and individuals under enormous stress. He is unlikely to withstand that if he already has disregulated behaviour. He is likely to revert to type.

And yes, do not have kids with this man. He will damage them just like his upbringing has damaged him.

Awful, he is doing it on purpose to control you. Do not have children with this man, he will only get worse.

This is abuse. Iggly has it, if he has any friends at all or can hold down a job for more than a few weeks, then that means he can control his anger when he needs to. His behaviour to you is a choice. Why do they do it? Because they can. Because they want everything their own way.

The effect of this behaviour is the same as violence. You're scared to say anything that he might not like in case it triggers rage.

Lots of kids grow up with this shit and don't become abusers. It is not an excuse.

You say he would make an excellent dad otherwise, sorry, that's crazy. A kid who grows up in an atmosphere of tension and fear will be damaged for life. And abusers tend to escalate once you're trapped by pregnancy.

Get out of this situation, fast. You deserve better. Most men are not like this.

waiting for this man to have kids

shoudl have said 'waiting for this man to improve.'

Oh god he would absolutely NOT make a good father DONT HAVE KIDS WITH HIM.
My XH was similar ( but not as violent as yours sounds ) when he got frustrated he would throw things at the wall, phones, clippers, dinner.

Even now he wonders why I divorced him

Op unless he gets a serious amount of professional help, this will escalate into more violence towards you.
This is NOT normal behaviour when one is angry, we all get angry but do not act this way.
I bet he never breaks things at work or out socially or in others homes when he feels angry does he? So he CAN control himself but chooses to not at home.

This has the potential for serious danger to you and any children you may have. Please put a hold on children, see if he will seek long term help and read, Lundy Bancrofts, Why does he do that.

Please, please do not dismiss this.

He's not emotionally mature enough to be a good dad, sadly. He'd maybe make a good uncle type who is fun to be around but has no responsibilities for any dcs emotional wellbeing.

And I'm sorry op but under no circumstances should you ever have children with this man.

Plenty of people have abusive childhoods and dint grow up and abuse other people. Theres no excuse for it. He doesn't need your support, he is manipulating you. You need to find the right support for yourself to help you leave him.

Oh and I bet he doesn't do it at work or around family and friends??

What would you say to a friend in this situation? What would you say if you have a daughter one day in this situation? I would not have children with someone like this and I would leave him.

I mean how often do people get professional help and really change for life? I think it's pretty uncommon. So bare that in mind.

Friedbanana

What the other posters have written. You can only help your own self by leaving him now (do not waste any more years on him) and this man does not want help, let alone your "help" or "support". What can you do anyway to help him?. You are patently not qualified to do so and what on earth made you write he would be a fantastic dad?!. Just how low is your relationship bar here?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Is your parents relationship like this, did you grow up seeing violence within the home?.

Are you really confusing love here with codependency?. It appears so.

This man is like his father; volatile and prone to becoming violent within the home. He is angry because he is abusive, not because of depression and social anxiety. What you are describing here is domestic violence and its a short step between hitting inanimate objects and hitting you. He is making a choice to do this and his own father behaves similarly. Such men hate women too, all of them.

thanks for all your replies, im sorry but this isn’t often- those things i described were over a 5 year period i would say.. he’s extremely thoughtful and i know it sounds silly but there are a couple of really really super weird coincidences that really make me feel that we are meant to be together. i have told quite a few friends/family members about his behaviour and theyve never ever suggested i leave him because they know him and they know us and one of my friends says she always is in search of what we have. I know it sounds super super cheesy but i dont want to leave him so need some other advice! We also have a beautiful house together and lovely dog and sometimes i’m so so happy and feel so incredibly lucky to have him, just need some help woth this issue!