Rages/smashing things but not physically hurting you

[Friedbanana]

Hello, just wanting some advice/ pointers to where i can read about this as i’m not sure where to search to find info. Basically DP gets very frustrated/angry very easily, at basically the slightest disagreement, and i try to give him space and leave to go to another room and then he cools off, but if for some reason he follows me or i follow him, or i just continue the discussion calmly because i dont realise he’s bubbling, then he will suddenly, without warning, throw something really violently- in the past he’s smashed a kettle into the wall (right next to me) and broken a kitchen tile (and the kettle), he’s thrown chairs at bins amd broken both, he’ll kick things (breaking his sandles) and slam doors very forcefully. It used to sometimes send me into a panic attack as sometimes it would be really close to me and really scare me. The worst rage was when i was sat at the top of the stairs and he ran along the corridor as if he was going to push me doenstairs but he didnt, but i genuinely thought he was going to. He said later he would absolutely never hurt me, and if i thought he had the capability of hurting me i should leave. i don’t think he would either, but it really does hurt me mentally. Anyway today i confronted him and said he needs to sort it out as it makes me v anxious, and he needs to sort it out before we try for children, as I can’t bring them up with that around them, particuarly as the triggers will be a million times worse when there’s a baby. He says he tried his best to control it, and for the first time in 8 years or our relationship he told me thats how his father was around him- terrible rages and smashing things when he or his sister did anything the tiniest bit wrong. he never physically abused them. He doesnt feel loved by either of his parents even though we do see them each fortnight id say (before lockdown) and it’s very sad. So anyway just wanting some advice really on how to support him. I love him very very much and wouldnt leave him, i think he’d make a fantastic dad apart from this issue. He also suffers with depression and social anxiety but sadly refuses any professional help. Thanks so much for reading!!

Op my Dp throws things, punches things, breaks them. He screams and strops and used to try and not let me leave a room.

He has never thrown things at my head or done something like that incident on the stairs though. My dad did this kind of thing too, so I guess I thought it was better than what my dad did. We were always able to talk about it and he was very self aware that he was in the wrong and his behaviour was unacceptable. He has had CBT and I have tried to get him to do couples counselling. As yet he’s more likely to walk away now, but other behaviour hasn’t changed too much.

We had kids, he still throws things and breaks them. I think the kids get scared but the eldest puts on a not bothered front, and the youngest is too young to realise what’s going on most of the time yet.

A couple of years ago he choked me during an argument when our eldest had us awake at 4 am. His behaviour is generally better than your partner’s but it still became violent eventually. He hasn’t done it since and I’m not afraid that he will, but I have lost respect for him.

The sticking point for me is not really the violence, but the way he talks to/about my eldest when he is angry. I remember the things my dad used to scream at me and I can’t deal with the guilt of having my kids feel this way too.

The thing is he’s very involved fun, loving kind, pulls his weight with chores all of it. This is the only issue.

In September I gave him an ultimatum, control his temper with or leave. Not much change so far.

I now have the choice between stay and make the kids think this is ok/what they deserve. Or leave, have huge money worries and have to drop them off and leave them alone with him with no-one there to defend them from the tantrums. What if he meets someone else who’s just as/more volatile?

Don’t put yourself in that position op. You are worth better 95% perfect 5% this, is 5% too much.

Also, people will tell you it’s not that bad, because sadly it’s all too common. Many of my friends dads were as bad or worse.

He threw chairs at bins and you weren't scared? You say that as if it makes it better when it makes it even worse. For a healthy couple that would be hugely scary because it should be so far removed from what is normal, expected or tolerated. Your boundaries are incredibly skewed and while I suspect that is due to the relationships you witnessed as a child, you can't pass that burden on to another generation by having a child with someone who has this level of rage, anger, temper, whatever you want to call it. It's so troubling you don't seem willing to accept that.

Oh well if you've got a nice house you should have said. That makes all the difference.

Hi OP

Echoing what others have said. People turn into their parents when they have kids because that's the only point of reference they have. Kids are so so annoying and they deliberately push your buttons. What is an occasional rage will be weekly or daily when he is sleep deprived and has a whining whinging ill kid doing things to wind him up. And he 'will be a great dad' other than making his own child scared of him and ending up like his relationship with his own dad where his child will think he doesn't love him.

I actually did have some sympathy with him until you said he refuses professional help. This is the way he was brought up. Its engrained in his personality. It is not going to he quick or easy to change and there is no way he will change without really wanting to and with a lot of work and input from a professional.

So you can put up with it or leave and possibly return if he gets professional help. People arent giving you any other advice because you can't do anything, it has to come from him

Hi OP, how would you feel if your future son treated his wife like this?

@Changedduetoembrassment

Op my Dp throws things, punches things, breaks them. He screams and strops and used to try and not let me leave a room.

He has never thrown things at my head or done something like that incident on the stairs though. My dad did this kind of thing too, so I guess I thought it was better than what my dad did. We were always able to talk about it and he was very self aware that he was in the wrong and his behaviour was unacceptable. He has had CBT and I have tried to get him to do couples counselling. As yet he’s more likely to walk away now, but other behaviour hasn’t changed too much.

We had kids, he still throws things and breaks them. I think the kids get scared but the eldest puts on a not bothered front, and the youngest is too young to realise what’s going on most of the time yet.

A couple of years ago he choked me during an argument when our eldest had us awake at 4 am. His behaviour is generally better than your partner’s but it still became violent eventually. He hasn’t done it since and I’m not afraid that he will, but I have lost respect for him.

The sticking point for me is not really the violence, but the way he talks to/about my eldest when he is angry. I remember the things my dad used to scream at me and I can’t deal with the guilt of having my kids feel this way too.

The thing is he’s very involved fun, loving kind, pulls his weight with chores all of it. This is the only issue.

In September I gave him an ultimatum, control his temper with or leave. Not much change so far.

I now have the choice between stay and make the kids think this is ok/what they deserve. Or leave, have huge money worries and have to drop them off and leave them alone with him with no-one there to defend them from the tantrums. What if he meets someone else who’s just as/more volatile?

Don’t put yourself in that position op. You are worth better 95% perfect 5% this, is 5% too much.

Also, people will tell you it’s not that bad, because sadly it’s all too common. Many of my friends dads were as bad or worse.

You need to keep a log of all incidents, call women's aid and make plans to leave this man. He has choked you. That means he is six times more likely to kill you. Prior non fatal strangulation is one of the most important risk factors for homicide. You're teaching your children that this is what a relationship looks like. He is horrific, a monster. Do not in any way be complicit in his abuse by tolerating it. The longer you stay, the more likely your children are to be in abusive relationships. Give them the chance to break the cycle.

OP - listen to this poster. You can avoid all this by breaking up with him. Do you really think ANY man is worth putting your future children through such difficult times? They aren't.

I hope you are able to leave him soon so that you do not end up even more damaged by his abuse than you already are.

This is a recognised form of domestic violence.

This is the pattern of relationships that he will have internalised from his own childhood and he will not change. He will do this to any children you have too.

Does he do it to anyone else (colleagues? friends?) or is it just you? that will give you the answer.

You are in an abusive relationship. It is difficult to accept that, especially if you have had a difficult childhood.

It is not your responsibility to "support" him to stop abusing you, and you do not have the skills to do this as it is a very specialised area.

He absolutely has the capacity to hurt you physically because he already sees you as someone he has the right to control. It is by intimidation now but that does not mean it will stay like that. No domestic abuser ever starts off by hitting their partner - the control and intimidation ratchets up slowly over time.

Whether he does this consciously or subconsciously is not really your problem. You just need to put yourself first here.

I get that it is a bit overwhelming to come onto here and hear a unified chorus that this is domestic violence. Why don't you give Women's Aid a call? It's just a phone call.

Also OP, I had a friend who worked for years in women's refuges and support for women living with DA. She said it was very confusing for the women because outside of the abuse, the man often was a 'good' partner. Its a common pattern of abusive relationships. Not a sign that
you are not in a bad relationship.

my partner doesn’t really have strong connections with friends, he has a few friends he’ll do exercise with but he’s quite antisocial really, so there’s no one else he could get enraged with.

So all friends/acquaintance have had the common sense to get rid/not get involved in the first place?

I feel for you OP. You've come on expecting someone to give you a magic wand to resolve this issue in your otherwise "perfect" relationship and everyone is telling you to leave.

I do think your perspective is skewed.I too grew up in an abusive household and because my ex wasn't "as bad" (and did have lots of very good qualities), I accepted things that others definitely wouldn't have. He too had rages, albeit they were mostly verbal rants (with the very rare physical rage where he invariably did something like punch a wall and only ended up hurting himself). We had children. It never "worsening" to physical violence towards me or them but the rants and rages continued and in the end, I just lost respect for him. I dealt with all the day to day hassles of having young children in a "normal" way whilst he flew off the handle at the slightest issue. I ended up being unable to look at him without thinking "You're just a bit of a twat"

Why won't he get help? If he loves you so much and your relationship is so good, you need to make it clear that these rages are scary and unacceptable and unless he gets professional support, then the relationship isn't sustainable. You could also do with some therapy to come to terms with your own childhood and the impact it's had on your boundaries.

Good luck

There are no excuses. I stayed too long with my ex because I could see he was hurting. I thought by staying I was helping him. I wasn't. I just gave him someone to aim his fury at instead of himself. That is not a role anyone should have to suffer. If your partner respected you, he would change his actions. Words aren't enough in these situations.

My ex was like this. When I was pregnant he started beating me. On the day I gave birth I knew I had to leave. I left 6 months later after a horrific beating. He tried to control me until our son hit 18 and he had no control anymore.

Please leave him.

You're a fixer @Friedbanana , your upbringing has lead you to believe that your love can change your partner. You may not realise this yet.

Without boring the entire thread with my story , I was like you. My dad was a jerk. I married a jerk , had kids with him , divorced him. Now I'm afraid that my daughter will make the same choices.

I sometimes flinch when my perfectly normal , good husband is in a bit of a bad mood. This , 13 years after leaving jerk exh.

Learn from my mistakes. You're young. Leave him.

He is abusive. He is using violence and physical strength to intimidate and frighten you, even if he hasn't hit you...yet. This will only get worse. Please don't have children and contact Women's Aid for advice onleaving safely. Good luck.

It never "worsening" to physical violence towards me or them but the rants and rages continued and in the end, I just lost respect for him. I dealt with all the day to day hassles of having young children in a "normal" way whilst he flew off the handle at the slightest issue. I ended up being unable to look at him without thinking "You're just a bit of a twat

This. Absolutely this. My Ex never punches walls, but his flying off the handle at the normal behaviour of the children and of the stresses of family life just made me lose all respect for him. In fact it developed into active contempt. I just thought of him as a pathetic man child, a toddler trapped in an adult's body. Having children, and seeing them mature (by the age of 5 my son showed more self insight and reflection than his father ever did) really showed me how my husbands behaviour had been arrested in that of a small child. There's no coming back from that realisation to ever have an adult relationship with him again.

He hasn't hit you yet.
Abuse ramps up a lot of the time in pregnancy.
Your Mother is no judge as she has chosen two abusive men.
You and your friends seem too have too low a bar - reminds me of the girl in sixth form of whom another girl said: "her nicest boyfriend, the one who didn't hit her, is the one in Prison for murder".

Life is not a Disney fairytale - there is no Mr Right destined by the stars. And if you get rid of that fairytale would you really settle for him?

Oh and he won't be a great Dad - he may never hit the kids but that doesn't mean that the mere thought that he could won't affect them massively. My Ex never behaved like your DP, but we all sigh with relief that he isn't around swearing and getting grumpy when putting together Ikea etc.
Much less Anger than you've seen can affect lives.

so im womdering if he does have the capacity to change.

That's not the capacity to change. Thats the capacity to control himself to just within your boundary that you've set so that you don't leave, but he can control you with fear.

in the past he’s smashed a kettle into the wall (right next to me)

This is a major red flag. It's effectively a threat that at some point he will be violent towards you. Even if he confines it to objects not as near you sometimes, it's still communicating to you that he is willing to behave violently/destructively, and that he doesn't care what impact his behaviour has on you.

So anyway just wanting some advice really on how to support him.

A woman with healthy boundaries arguably wouldn't be thinking this way- it reads completely out of joint with all the stuff you'd written earlier in the post. 'He's destructive and intimidating so I want to know how to support him' -erm, how's about no? Support yourself and your health and wellbeing, plus your entitlement to be treated in a reasonable way, separate from him and block him.

He also suffers with depression and social anxiety but sadly refuses any professional help.

I have a severe mental health disability but have no patience with people who don't keep trying different evidence-based methods to improve their health and functioning. His supposed mental health problems are useful to him, because they keep you roped in, feeling sorry for him, probably letting him get away with things, making excuses for him. (I'm not saying that he doesn't have MH problems or that most people with MH problems do this of course, but for abusive and controlling men the claim that they are damaged/ill, whether it's true or not, can be used as part of their excuses and manipulations.)

Of course abusive men sometimes act nice by the way, otherwise women wouldn't stay with them for so long.

OP re ead this bit

i think he’d make a fantastic dad apart from:
[unpredicatable violent rages]
depression and social anxiety
refuses any professional help.

As everyone else is trying to tell you. I think your boundaries are utterly skewed.

2 Women a week in the U.K. Are murdered by their partner. None of them thought it would happen. This is how it starts.

A couple of years ago he choked me during an argument when our eldest had us awake at 4 am

I’m going to quote a stat from New Scotland Yard’s homicide prevention unit:
When a man puts his hands around his partner’s neck, it increases the risk of domestic homicide sevenfold .

Now that he has choked you once, he is seven times more likely to kill you.

It’s also really important to understand that children are as much victims of domestic abuse as the abused partner. They are not bystanders or somehow separate from what’s going on in the home. If he is abusing you, he is abusing the children by default.

Your eldest witnessing your partner choking you is an abuse on them. They will have registered it as trauma, which could cause years of damage and take years more to undo.

Don’t wait for him to change - abusers won’t change. They behave they way they do because it gets them what they want - ie, you terrified and compliant and under their control.

Use every agency and support resource you can find to help you get this man away from you.

And PP has it absolutely spot on...

Its a common pattern of abusive relationships. Not a sign that
you are not in a bad relationship

5he very thing you think is proof he ISNT a violent abuser is actually one of the hallmarks of deliberate intimidation tactics.

He’s playing a long game to reel you in. All of the things you see as good in him are textbook abuser.

Sorry.

I've rarely seen MN as unified as this, OP. The fact that he refuses to seek professional help should tell you all you need to know: his pride is more important than your wellbeing. And you are thinking about bringing children into this? You need to contact WA and do the Freedom Programme so that you can develop some better boundaries.

Op, I know this must he hard to read but posters are being objective about your h!

His behaviour is abusive, intimidating and controlling.

Does he act like this at work? With family? His parents? I bet he doesn't.

He's dangerous. Please don't have dc with him. Imagine how he'd react to a screaming baby, a stropping toddler, a truculent teen..,

Thats exactly what it boils down to op - he won't even seek professional help even though he knows he has scared the shite out of you, the person he is supposed to love.

Tells you exactly who he is. He is absolutely fine with scaring you. Because it is his intention.