Rages/smashing things but not physically hurting you

[Friedbanana]

Hello, just wanting some advice/ pointers to where i can read about this as i’m not sure where to search to find info. Basically DP gets very frustrated/angry very easily, at basically the slightest disagreement, and i try to give him space and leave to go to another room and then he cools off, but if for some reason he follows me or i follow him, or i just continue the discussion calmly because i dont realise he’s bubbling, then he will suddenly, without warning, throw something really violently- in the past he’s smashed a kettle into the wall (right next to me) and broken a kitchen tile (and the kettle), he’s thrown chairs at bins amd broken both, he’ll kick things (breaking his sandles) and slam doors very forcefully. It used to sometimes send me into a panic attack as sometimes it would be really close to me and really scare me. The worst rage was when i was sat at the top of the stairs and he ran along the corridor as if he was going to push me doenstairs but he didnt, but i genuinely thought he was going to. He said later he would absolutely never hurt me, and if i thought he had the capability of hurting me i should leave. i don’t think he would either, but it really does hurt me mentally. Anyway today i confronted him and said he needs to sort it out as it makes me v anxious, and he needs to sort it out before we try for children, as I can’t bring them up with that around them, particuarly as the triggers will be a million times worse when there’s a baby. He says he tried his best to control it, and for the first time in 8 years or our relationship he told me thats how his father was around him- terrible rages and smashing things when he or his sister did anything the tiniest bit wrong. he never physically abused them. He doesnt feel loved by either of his parents even though we do see them each fortnight id say (before lockdown) and it’s very sad. So anyway just wanting some advice really on how to support him. I love him very very much and wouldnt leave him, i think he’d make a fantastic dad apart from this issue. He also suffers with depression and social anxiety but sadly refuses any professional help. Thanks so much for reading!!

This thread and your updates are so sad! You are only 27 so much time to find someone who is t like this. It’s not your job to regulate his behaviour (by not raising your voice to him as you said), it’s so sad to me that you think this.

So many posters have said really useful things, so am just going to say my experience. I grew up with a dad who loved me dearly but could not control his temper. He still can’t. I grew up absolutely terrified of him but so confused because we loved each other. It has given me a lot of emotional issues as an adult. Don’t let your children grow up as I did.

*Does he do this in public? Does he do this to his work colleagues or friends?

No, of course he doesn't, because he knows it's completely unacceptable. But he chooses to do it to you, when there's nobody else around.

"Losing control" is not the applicable concept here. If he can manage not to do it in public or to the other people in his life, then he can manage not to do it to you. He is 100% CHOOSING to behave like this to you... because he thinks he can and it will intimidate you into behaving the way he wants.

When was the last time he threw stuff around violently in front of someone he respected, someone he didn't think was weaker than him? That would be never, wouldn't it?*

Exactly.

Men like this might be a bit fiery and bad tempered in public/with others but they always save the real explosions for their dependant, physically weaker partner and kids ..... Cowards and bullies. Don't ever fool yourself they're not.

^Be aware that waiting lists are long. I have a friend who has waited 18 months for a appointment with a psychologist.
He will have to be assessed. Be accepted for support (not a given that he will be), for your area to have suitable support, to wait for that support, to have a therapist he builds a relationship with and can work with (MH treatment is tricky like that, a good surgeon can fix anyones' knee, MH support relies on the patient and professional hitting it off and developing a good therapeutic relationship), and then for him to commit to the hard work of the therapy and for that to work for him. And if it does work for him to maintain that under the pressure of kids.
That's a lot of conditionals that all need to come together. You need to clearly decide what will make you quit. Do you want to wait for two years for him to have an appointment to see if the therapy may work?^

@blindinglyobviouslight I'm not able to work which is a lifelong situation, and I paid for private therapy out of my disability payments. It's often affordable if prioritized. But then, OP doesn't mention him working at all. There are lots of things he can do while on the waiting list for NHS therapy, like do the Frreedom Programme online etc. He doesn't need to be passively waiting, and indeed he doesn't have that excuse when there will be stuff he can do, there will be all sorts of programmes via Zoom he could find out about and do if he googled, stuff like that.

The NHS operate a prioritization system. For instance (this is just an example) if he were to say he has thoughts of harming OP he would be prioritized and seen very quickly, as that's serious. So, it depends what he says to them.

Oh and for the record, men like this always Blame their childhood. Always. They know it gets them sympathy and amateur psychology attempts.

@GilbertMarkham That's a good point.

@MsTSwift

Oh I had one of these at 27. Started with rages at inanimate objects escalated to verbal abuse to me when he was drunk. But I loved him etc 🙄🙄 thing that made me end it was the cold hard voice in my head saying I could never have children with this man. So I ended it and met the perfect man now have two girls. Thank the goddess everyday that I dodged that particular bullet.

Exactly the same as me. Met the ex when I was 27, and it followed the same pattern as yours - verbal abuse, trashing the house etc. One day he was being nasty and abusive and I knew this was him. This was who he was. That was my light-bulb moment, the moment that I knew that as broody as I was, I could never share a baby with this man. I knew that choosing to have a baby with this man, with the full realisation of who he was meant that I would be failing as a mother before I even got pregnant.

Weeks after that realisation, he tried to strangle me over some engineered argument, and that was it. He had crossed the line into physical violence and I knew from that point on, he wouldn't bother throwing things or punching doors now. I would be the one getting attacked. And eventually any children in the home be in the firing line for being attacked too. I did a daytime flit when he was at work.

I would not be one bit surprised to some day open a news article about my ex and that he killed his partner. Oddly enough his father was verbally abusive to their mother, and his grandfather was physically abusive to his grandmother. It's an ingrained behaviour.

OP you can't fix this. Right now it's not stressful and he's still trashing your home. What's going to happen when you are pregnant and exhausted and he's wanting a shag? Or when you've got a toddler and a newborn and not had a decent nights sleep in ages? Or when you are on maternity leave and reduced income is putting a strain on your finances?

Mine was a barrister so charismatic and lovely. Until he wasn’t. Very proud of my younger self that I walked away actually.

@MsTSwift well done xxx

You say they almost induced a panic attack in you.

Imagine how terrified a small child would be witnessing one of these rages.

You work with children so you must know that domestic abuse is a safeguarding issue. Please do not bring a small child into this environment.

I got to "before we have children" and couldn't read further.

Please, please do NOT bring a baby into this environment.

Please leave this "man", ASAP.

Does he do this in public? Does he do this to his work colleagues or friends?

No, of course he doesn't, because he knows it's completely unacceptable. But he chooses to do it to you, when there's nobody else around.

This, totally. OP, you are being controlled.

One detail that i forgot to mention was that he would always excuse his outbursts as ways to make the argument stop. We had a really good discussion earlier where he agreed his behaviour is totally not acceptable and he wasn’t actually dismissive of professional help. He said he’s going to research more about his problems and then possibly seek out help. He also said I need to make sure I never escalate it by raising my voice

So, he's going to blame you for causing any violence. And as for the rest, words are cheap, it's actions that count.

You need to take the rose tinted specs off and LTB. If this is who he is now, it's going to get worse once DC are added to the mix. It's no coincidence that DA/DV frequently escalates once the victim is pregnant, because the abuser thinks the victim feels trapped and less likely to leave.

"In one important way, an abusive man works like a magician: His tricks largely rely on getting you to look off in the wrong direction, distracting your attention so that you won’t notice where the real action is. He draws you into focusing on the turbulent world of his feelings to keep your eyes turned away from the true cause of his abusiveness, which lies in how he thinks. He leads you into a convoluted maze, making your relationship with him a labyrinth of twists and turns. He wants you to puzzle over him, to try to figure him out, as though he were a wonderful but broken machine for which you need only to find and fix the malfunctioning parts to bring it roaring to its full potential. His desire, though he may not admit it even to himself, is that you wrack your brain in this way so that you won’t notice the patterns and logic of his behavior, the consciousness behind the craziness".

The counseling is pointless.

I've no doubt he considers himself an intelligent, capable, strong willed man - he 'can't" control his temper because at the bottom of it all - he doesn't want to.

He enjoys acting that way, and he gets what he wants (dominance among other things) ... He'll be the head of a little home autocracy, not a member of a democracy.

He's learned/seen that's what works and so he does it. Those are his values.

You'll break yourself trying to fix him op, hrs unfixable. Get out and concentrate on meeting a partner who doesn't act like this and whom you can have children with.

"Angry man" with the punching objects, throwing, smashing, charging at you like he's going to assault you ... is not who you want to have children with.

I know it's painful to end any relationship and very difficult when you've invested; but I seriously doubt this will get better.

He wants you to puzzle over him, to try to figure him out, as though he were a wonderful but broken machine for which you need only to find and fix the malfunctioning parts to bring it roaring to its full potential

God this! My Ex wasn't emotionally intelligent enough to have the cunning to deliberately create this dynamic, but still, this is EXACTLY what I was doing. Wasting 100's of hours of my time trying to understand him and figure him out, because if only, only I could find the right words, the right way to talk to him, I could make him understand and he would change. That extract is so right - thinking like that does work as a distraction technique. It distracts you from the what is going on - in your case OP, the smashing things and throwing them around - because you are focused on how to fix it, and that makes you obsess over tiny scraps of progress or 'promise' that he throws your way.

OP, your partner may not be emotionally intelligent enough either to have a deliberate strategy, but behaviour like his, coupled with partners reacting to it in the way that I did, that you are, is a toxic, trapping combination.

This makes a sad read. So you love this man, who makes you feel anxious every day and apart from smashing things up now and again and making you think once he was going to push you down the stairs, you think he’d be a good dad? With the stress a small child brings with not sleeping etc and being under pressure financially which having children brings?
Read your post back imagining it was a beloved friend who had written it. What would you advise her?

Dont have a child with this man. Free yourself from this daily anxiety and leave him! It will only get worse. This is NOT how relationships are and you need to see that.

I know this isnt what you want to hear - you want us all to say a bit of anger here and there is normal in a relationship. It isnt.

If you do nothing else, please re-home your poor dog.

He says he can’t control it yet he admits he does it to make the argument end sooner? That sounds very deliberate to me. If he’s got that much control over the ways he chooses to make an argument end then why doesn’t he choose to walk away instead I wonder?

He’ll stop if you stop raising your voice will he? Just stop arguing with him, stop disagreeing with him, stop doing things and saying things he doesn’t like and he won’t be violent. Stop thinking things he doesn’t like and he won’t be violent. Stop looking like you might be thinking things he doesn’t like even if you aren’t thinking them and he’ll stop being violent.

Read your OP back, you say, ‘DP gets very frustrated/angry very easily, at basically the slightest disagreement.’ So not arguments then, just minor disagreements? You then say, ‘if for some reason he follows me or i follow him,’ So he sometimes continues the argument (minor disagreement) then? Then you say, ’or i just continue the discussion calmly because i dont realise he’s bubbling, then he will suddenly, without warning, throw something really violently.’ So your mind reading skills really aren’t up to scratch then? Is that his problem? You can’t telepathically guess when he’s about to suddenly and violently throw something?

Come on OP, precisely what is it you think you can do to make him stop when you don’t know when it’s going to start?

Just stop being around him OP, that’s the only way he’ll stop being violent.

He’ll stop if you stop raising your voice will he? Just stop arguing with him, stop disagreeing with him, stop doing things and saying things he doesn’t like and he won’t be violent. Stop thinking things he doesn’t like and he won’t be violent. Stop looking like you might be thinking things he doesn’t like even if you aren’t thinking them and he’ll stop being violent

Nails it

Run, now. He will hurt you. And you can not bring a child into this relationship.

@Friedbanana, I believe it’s called Intermittent Explosive Disorder. IED.

@fallfallfall I have mentioned this already, but in case @Friedbanana has missed my link, here it is again

www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/intermittent-explosive-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20373921

[quote fallfallfall]@Friedbanana, I believe it’s called Intermittent Explosive Disorder. IED.[/quote]
Aka Angry Aggressive Intimidating Dickhead.

He knows it's unreasonable and you mustn't raise your voice to prevent his unreasonable behaviour?
That he has no control over.

Lundy Bancroft " he doesn't have a problem with his anger he has a problem with your anger.

Only he is allowed to behave unreasonably as it's out of his control but if you stop being angry he won't become uncontrollably angry.
So you control his uncontrollable anger?
What if you become uncontrollably angry and unreasonable will he be understanding and quiet?

OP nothing he's said makes sense. It's lies.

@Whatisthisfuckery

He says he can’t control it yet he admits he does it to make the argument end sooner? That sounds very deliberate to me. If he’s got that much control over the ways he chooses to make an argument end then why doesn’t he choose to walk away instead I wonder?

He’ll stop if you stop raising your voice will he? Just stop arguing with him, stop disagreeing with him, stop doing things and saying things he doesn’t like and he won’t be violent. Stop thinking things he doesn’t like and he won’t be violent. Stop looking like you might be thinking things he doesn’t like even if you aren’t thinking them and he’ll stop being violent.

Read your OP back, you say, ‘DP gets very frustrated/angry very easily, at basically the slightest disagreement.’ So not arguments then, just minor disagreements? You then say, ‘if for some reason he follows me or i follow him,’ So he sometimes continues the argument (minor disagreement) then? Then you say, ’or i just continue the discussion calmly because i dont realise he’s bubbling, then he will suddenly, without warning, throw something really violently.’ So your mind reading skills really aren’t up to scratch then? Is that his problem? You can’t telepathically guess when he’s about to suddenly and violently throw something?

Come on OP, precisely what is it you think you can do to make him stop when you don’t know when it’s going to start?

Just stop being around him OP, that’s the only way he’ll stop being violent.

Please read this post over and over.

@goldenharvest - I do agree that this type of behaviour is often rooted in childhood abuse. But however much sympathy you might feel for an abuser, they are still abusive, and unlikely to change, especially when they are already blaming their partner for raising her voice.

This behaviour may well be rooted in childhood abuse. Do you want your future children's behaviour to be rooted in their abuse by him?