Rages/smashing things but not physically hurting you

[Friedbanana]

Hello, just wanting some advice/ pointers to where i can read about this as i’m not sure where to search to find info. Basically DP gets very frustrated/angry very easily, at basically the slightest disagreement, and i try to give him space and leave to go to another room and then he cools off, but if for some reason he follows me or i follow him, or i just continue the discussion calmly because i dont realise he’s bubbling, then he will suddenly, without warning, throw something really violently- in the past he’s smashed a kettle into the wall (right next to me) and broken a kitchen tile (and the kettle), he’s thrown chairs at bins amd broken both, he’ll kick things (breaking his sandles) and slam doors very forcefully. It used to sometimes send me into a panic attack as sometimes it would be really close to me and really scare me. The worst rage was when i was sat at the top of the stairs and he ran along the corridor as if he was going to push me doenstairs but he didnt, but i genuinely thought he was going to. He said later he would absolutely never hurt me, and if i thought he had the capability of hurting me i should leave. i don’t think he would either, but it really does hurt me mentally. Anyway today i confronted him and said he needs to sort it out as it makes me v anxious, and he needs to sort it out before we try for children, as I can’t bring them up with that around them, particuarly as the triggers will be a million times worse when there’s a baby. He says he tried his best to control it, and for the first time in 8 years or our relationship he told me thats how his father was around him- terrible rages and smashing things when he or his sister did anything the tiniest bit wrong. he never physically abused them. He doesnt feel loved by either of his parents even though we do see them each fortnight id say (before lockdown) and it’s very sad. So anyway just wanting some advice really on how to support him. I love him very very much and wouldnt leave him, i think he’d make a fantastic dad apart from this issue. He also suffers with depression and social anxiety but sadly refuses any professional help. Thanks so much for reading!!

It's just as likely OP being in her position is because of her childhood.

It's irrelevant.

This is an abusive adult Man OP.
HE KNOWS HE IS FRIGHTENING
HE KNOWS YOU ONLY NEED HIS "I WILL DO THIS THAT AND YAH DE YAH" TO STAY.

Prove him wrong by putting you and your future life with your unfrightened future children before his sorry-not-sorry lying arse.

If you worked with a colleague that behaved like this you would complain and then leave if nothing were done. You would not see it as your role to placate them by toeing the line. If you would not tolerate this from a working relationship why on earth would you stay in a romantic relationship and be treated like this? and don't think you are financially secure, once you have a child in this situation you are very heavily dependent on your partner.

I grew up with parents who were not quite this bad. They "only" screamed and threw things around every year or 6 months. It was fucking horrible. It made me angry and frightened at the same time and that coloured so much of my life in really shitty ways. And I went on to do the same shit in relationships until I got proper therapy in my 30s. Is that what you want for your potential children? Run fast darling, you really do deserve better.

PS I was 27 years old when I left the man I thought was the love of my life. He was a drug addict and on the verge of becoming disabled. I blossomed so much after that, you will too. You are still young, please look after yourself and not some nasty man. I wish you all the best.

@NeedToKnow101. I totally agree. Abusive behaviour is abusive behaviour and never acceptable. The bad childhood is part of the reason, it’s not an excuse. I went through exactly the same issues as the OP until it actually dawned on me I was being abused. His episodes could have months in between, but when the occurred it ripped the heart out of me. Eventually I just hated him.