Rages/smashing things but not physically hurting you

[Friedbanana]

Hello, just wanting some advice/ pointers to where i can read about this as i’m not sure where to search to find info. Basically DP gets very frustrated/angry very easily, at basically the slightest disagreement, and i try to give him space and leave to go to another room and then he cools off, but if for some reason he follows me or i follow him, or i just continue the discussion calmly because i dont realise he’s bubbling, then he will suddenly, without warning, throw something really violently- in the past he’s smashed a kettle into the wall (right next to me) and broken a kitchen tile (and the kettle), he’s thrown chairs at bins amd broken both, he’ll kick things (breaking his sandles) and slam doors very forcefully. It used to sometimes send me into a panic attack as sometimes it would be really close to me and really scare me. The worst rage was when i was sat at the top of the stairs and he ran along the corridor as if he was going to push me doenstairs but he didnt, but i genuinely thought he was going to. He said later he would absolutely never hurt me, and if i thought he had the capability of hurting me i should leave. i don’t think he would either, but it really does hurt me mentally. Anyway today i confronted him and said he needs to sort it out as it makes me v anxious, and he needs to sort it out before we try for children, as I can’t bring them up with that around them, particuarly as the triggers will be a million times worse when there’s a baby. He says he tried his best to control it, and for the first time in 8 years or our relationship he told me thats how his father was around him- terrible rages and smashing things when he or his sister did anything the tiniest bit wrong. he never physically abused them. He doesnt feel loved by either of his parents even though we do see them each fortnight id say (before lockdown) and it’s very sad. So anyway just wanting some advice really on how to support him. I love him very very much and wouldnt leave him, i think he’d make a fantastic dad apart from this issue. He also suffers with depression and social anxiety but sadly refuses any professional help. Thanks so much for reading!!

If you're so super happy together, why are you asking for help on here?

definitely not engineered coincidence! i don't want children for about another 5 years (im currently 27) so it’s not like i want to ttc right away, i know he needs to sort himself out before we do so please stop calling me irresponsible etc. i perhaps dont have the best view of relationships as my dad was apparently an abusive alcoholic and so is my stepdad but not so abusive. my partner doesn’t really have strong connections with friends, he has a few friends he’ll do exercise with but he’s quite antisocial really, so there’s no one else he could get enraged with.

I've found one test life likes to throw at you: is monsters. To have you learn how to spot them and therefore, grow as a person and learn how to protect yourself from them in future

This is so true. Op, what is his mother like? Does she have a career, does she appear confident?

If your bf has only just told you about his dad then he is at the early stages of working through the issue. You say it is rare but that is likely because you don't have major stress, add in children, financial worries then it is likely to escalate.

I understand why you feel as if he is fine but he has to decide to break the cycle and get help so that he doesn't pass this behaviour onto any future sons.

Read Lundy, "Why does he do that" It will help you understand that his aggression is due to his thinking, not impulses, quite simply you are not supposed to challenge him..Lundy says "he doesn't have a problem with anger, he has a problem with YOUR anger" i.e when you are asserting yourself or trying to get your needs met or be heard.
Btw, no one realised how abusive my charming, polite, seemingly adoring Ex H was, it was always behind closed doors.
Don't ignore your intuition, it is trying to keep you safe.

You are in an abusive relationship. Please seek real life help to get some insight into this. Women's Aid is a good first step.

Abusive men are really nice a lot of the time...

He doesn't have many friends because men won't let him treat them the way he treats you. People like him know who they can bully and stick to that. That's why he can control his temper at work etc.

I'm so sorry you've witnessed abusive behaviour from your father and step father but as an adult you need to take a step back and acknowledge that this has skewed your expectations and boundaries. Describing someone as 'not so abusive' is a telltale sign - any level of abuse is too much. It really is. Don't you want to break the cycle? You have the power to do that.

You can say no, I won't have children with a man who has shown he has a clear pattern of inability to control his temper and rages that take on a physical reaction - throwing things / smashing things.

Imagine being a helpless baby or toddler, doing totally normal things like not sleeping / crying all the time / refusing food etc and your dad throwing things and smashing them in frustration. Imagine how scared you would feel. How vulnerable. You feel scared when he does that and you have the agency to walk away, a child doesn't.

Stop defending the indefensible. It would be totally irresponsible to have a child with a man you know to be unable or unwilling to control his temper. Surely you can see that?

My ex was like this. Don't make the mistake of having children and tying yourself to him as it gets worse not better. Eventually it will wear you down and you start to get angry with him. This will escalate him to up the ante and get physical.

You both need to understand this is abnormal behaviour and destructive to everyone.

How is he after? Does he apologise or just sulk it off and say nothing.

My ex would never apologise because he believed his behaviour was my fault and he was entitled to behave like this. Apologising would have meant he knew his behaviour was wrong and he was too much of a coward to do that. If you see parallels get out or make him have treatment.

What's the age gap between you OP? If you've been together 8 years then you got together at 19. So you can't have had any other serious adult relationships. I'm wondering if he's older than you. If you got together at 19 when you had very little life experience then you've probably been living like the frog in boiling water for a long time. I wouldn't be supprised to hear that there's an additional power imbalance related to age.

Anyway, if you're set on not leaving him then I don't know what you want from this thread because that's the only advice any one can give you with good conscience. Which woman here is going to give an abuse victim tips for how to manage and placate her abuser in order to stay with him longer?

Sorry OP but you need to leave him, especially if you want children. Think of how scared this man has made you feel in the past. Now imagine a small child being made to feel that frightened. Is that what you want for your kids?
Like others on this thread I’ve been with a man like this and believe me it did not get better. I was scared of him and when I finally ended things after 3 years he harassed me for months, awful threats to rape and kill me and my mum and sister (this was just before I moved away for uni so still lived at home).
This guy won’t change. I’m sorry.

I'm not sure why your friend would aspire to have a relationship like this. It sounds absolutely terrifying. Either she has a screw loose or you're not telling her the whole truth.

This man has learned that that's how a man behaves. He saw his dad do it and he does it himself. He knows how hard it was when he was on the receiving end of his dad's violence (you don't have to be actually hit to suffer abuse) and he hasn't sought help when he's acted like that himself.

The thought of you two having a baby together is absolutely horrifying. You sound incredibly immature - frankly, those 'coincidences' make you sound unhinged. He sounds as though one day he'll kill someone, either accidentally or on purpose.

Fast forward a few years. He's just like his dad. You have a baby together. You want to leave as you're frightened of him. Can you imagine telling him you're leaving and taking his child? What do you think he'd do?

Now think of your child experiencing all that violence and then having a relationship when they're adult. How do you think they'd treat their partner?

At the moment you're the only one who's suffering, and it's your decision as to whether you want to live your life like that. Once you bring a child into the family, then someone else is suffering. And if the child's teacher discovers the level of violence in the home, you will be reported to social services immediately.

That had occurred to me too Sarahlou63

He is abusive to you. Having a baby is very stressful, he will do this to your child too. Don't create that life for a child. Look at Women's Aid website, they have information, forums and a helpline. You don't deserve his abuse.

Thank you everyone for your comments and advice, i know they are well meaning i’m just finding them really really hard to read right now. I’ll try and process them all when i’m a bit less emotional later.. @goldenharvest he does apologise, yes, and he says he’s going to try

i perhaps dont have the best view of relationships as my dad was apparently an abusive alcoholic and so is my stepdad but not so abusive. my partner doesn’t really have strong connections with friends, he has a few friends he’ll do exercise with but he’s quite antisocial really, so there’s no one else he could get enraged with.

There is no perhaps about it, you really do not have the best view of relationships. No-one bothered to show you what a mutually respectful relationship is like so you still have no idea what that is or entails. Both your father and stepfather between them showed you alcoholism and abuse when you were growing up. That has indeed skewed all your boundaries here so it is not altogether surprising you are with this man (also an abuser) now. Its a continuation of what you know.

Is your mother still with your stepfather?.

Your house is no longer a home; its a place where he smashes up inanimate objects and terrorises you in the process. I would also think your friends have been given a very sanitised view of your relationship by you because of your own fear, shame and embarrassment and they in turn do not look beyond seeing this "nice house" and dog.

So anyway just wanting some advice really on how to support him

This is your problem. You think your role is to support him. It isn't.
Partners support each other to get the careers they want, to achieve their ambitions. Your role is not to support a man who scares you, makes you anxious and gives you panic attacks. Ever.

Basically DP gets very frustrated/angry very easily, at basically the slightest disagreement As you have identified, this will get worse when you have children. Having children ruined my relationship - it made me realise we only ever got on when things were going smoothly between us. Having kids makes you more dependent on each other, creates more areas for disagreement, and does all this when you are under enormous stress of time pressure, sleeplessness, life change, less down time and the stress of having to manage the emotions of children who don't give one shit about yours. Your partner clearly can't cope with that. His dad couldn't cope with it and neither can he.

Look, I deeply regret who my children have for a father. I wish I had paid attention to the warning signs before we had kids. I know he has damaged them and I can't stop him being in their life. You really, really don't want to have to live with that guilt OP. And their father isn't as bad as your partner.

i know he needs to sort himself out He doesn't seem to know this though. And he may not be able to.

my partner doesn’t really have strong connections with friends, he has a few friends he’ll do exercise with but he’s quite antisocial really
This is not a good sign.

I know you love him. But love is not enough. You can't cure him with love and support.

Hi OP, you said it's very rare but also that he gets like this at the 'slightest disagreement.' Sounds like you already know not to disagree with him as it will cause him to kick off.

Sorry but I agree with everyone else. This is quite severe abuse; violence to your things equals threats of violence towards you. He probably won't change even with counselling, but he isn't even willing to try.

I would end the relationship. A lovely home can be a lovely prison. The stresses of babies will escalate his behaviour, whenever you have them. I grew up with a dad like this and I was terrified all the time he was in the house, never knowing when his next rage would be, or how long it would last. It caused my siblings and I long term emotional damage. One has become abusive himself.

The information about your background is quite revealing OP. Being in a relationship with an abusive man is normal to you.

I grew up with a father who was in many ways a lovely man, schoolteacher, pillar of the community etc, except when things did not go his way he would shout and throw stuff and he always wanted to be the centre of attention and was quite domineering.

Fast forward a few years and I met someone at university and eventually married him and had DC with him. Very popular, charming, huge need to be the centre of attention, prone to odd bouts of temper when things (always mine) would get smashed. Over time of course it escalated into full on mental and physical abuse and really escalated after DC1 was born. It took me many years to leave and I doubt if I would ever have done it had I not discovered he was also a serial cheater.

The point is that living with my father normalised that behaviour for me and made me a great target for my exH. Someone with a better sense of normal and better boundaries would have walked the first time he showed who he was.

My greatest regret now is that I never experienced a normal relationship, I'm sixty now and I would never get close enough to some for a relationship again because some scars run too deep. Don't make excuses for this man OP. At 28 you can pick and choose. Choose better than I did.

Only you can break the cycle of abuse for you and your future children. It's not easy. But it's your choice.

He is either in control and that is why he doesn't hurt you. This is bad because he is deliberately using violence to intimidate you
If he isn't in control of his actions then he cannot claim he will never hurt you
Neither is good. If he was truly concerned about you he would be horrified the first time and seek professional help

Yes it is a lot to take in but you really do need to take heed here. If all was indeed happy you would never have posted; on some level you know his treatment of you and in turn your shared home is wrong.

I have also wondered how old your abuser is due to the power and control imbalance. I also concur with the boiled frog analogy written about in respect to yourself. I also think he targeted you and deliberately too.

You're now 27. Make your 28th year on Planet Earth happier for you, that can only be achievable by ridding yourself of this man along with getting counselling for yourself to unlearn all the crap you have learnt from other adults about relationships. His apologies are meaningless and he will do this and more again.

I would also think too both your dad and stepfather have also apologised repeatedly to your mother. Those are meaningless too.

Also, after the stairs incident, about a year ago, i told him if it happened one more time like that, sending me into a panic attack, i would leave, and he hasnt done anything like that since! the chair and bin thing was last week but it wasnt near me and i wasnt scared, so im womdering if he does have the capacity to change. Our dog is fine and was in another room when this happened

Is he an only child by any chance ? I am married to someone like this, and am currently planning my exit strategy (hopefully after xmas) by taking notes of all the incidents for the past year. A key reason I haven't yet left is that he will likely go for 50/50 access to the kids, and the thought of having to leave the kids (6&8yo) with him without me being there to protect them. I can't even go to the shops without getting a iPad message from one of them saying that Daddy is scaring us, or Daddy is so mad/mean. It breaks my heart. The worst is when something pisses him off as he is leaving the house and then he speeds off in the car with the kids in it and I pray that he doesn't hurt them. The signs were there before we had kids, and I ignored them thinking he might grow out of it, but he hasn't and the only thing thats worse that being raged at is seeing him raging at our children and them running to me for protection. Please take a look into your potential future with this man and act accordingly. xx

@Friedbanana

Also, after the stairs incident, about a year ago, i told him if it happened one more time like that, sending me into a panic attack, i would leave, and he hasnt done anything like that since! the chair and bin thing was last week but it wasnt near me and i wasnt scared, so im womdering if he does have the capacity to change. Our dog is fine and was in another room when this happened

Do you want to be with him more than you want to be a responsible and healthy mother?

If so stay with him and don't have kids.

If not, break up with him and then have kids with someone who isn't volatile, abusive and incapable of controlling rages.

I'm unsure why you posted about supporting him when your focus should be supporting yourself and your future children.

Can you at least acknowledge that you are continuing the cycle of abuse you have witnessed as a child?

Don't you want to break that cycle? You can. You will feel better for doing so.

No man (or woman) is worth a child feeling scared in their own home.

Leave him.

He's training you to 'be good' , so as not to anger him.

I'm the child of an abusive alcoholic. I don't throw things and use my temper to control my family.

He's no good. Leave.