Rages/smashing things but not physically hurting you

[Friedbanana]

Hello, just wanting some advice/ pointers to where i can read about this as i’m not sure where to search to find info. Basically DP gets very frustrated/angry very easily, at basically the slightest disagreement, and i try to give him space and leave to go to another room and then he cools off, but if for some reason he follows me or i follow him, or i just continue the discussion calmly because i dont realise he’s bubbling, then he will suddenly, without warning, throw something really violently- in the past he’s smashed a kettle into the wall (right next to me) and broken a kitchen tile (and the kettle), he’s thrown chairs at bins amd broken both, he’ll kick things (breaking his sandles) and slam doors very forcefully. It used to sometimes send me into a panic attack as sometimes it would be really close to me and really scare me. The worst rage was when i was sat at the top of the stairs and he ran along the corridor as if he was going to push me doenstairs but he didnt, but i genuinely thought he was going to. He said later he would absolutely never hurt me, and if i thought he had the capability of hurting me i should leave. i don’t think he would either, but it really does hurt me mentally. Anyway today i confronted him and said he needs to sort it out as it makes me v anxious, and he needs to sort it out before we try for children, as I can’t bring them up with that around them, particuarly as the triggers will be a million times worse when there’s a baby. He says he tried his best to control it, and for the first time in 8 years or our relationship he told me thats how his father was around him- terrible rages and smashing things when he or his sister did anything the tiniest bit wrong. he never physically abused them. He doesnt feel loved by either of his parents even though we do see them each fortnight id say (before lockdown) and it’s very sad. So anyway just wanting some advice really on how to support him. I love him very very much and wouldnt leave him, i think he’d make a fantastic dad apart from this issue. He also suffers with depression and social anxiety but sadly refuses any professional help. Thanks so much for reading!!

Does it do it in work around his colleagues and boss? Mmm thought not. Please raise your standards. I could cry at the thought of an innocent little baby being brought into this.

As others have said, does he do this to anyone else? Anywhere else?
If not, then he has control.
Which means his behaviour around you is either deliberate or he can't be bothered to regulate.
Ask yourself why that would be?
Don't be blinded by love. This is abusive behaviour.

The issue that he is mentally unstable and might one day 'lose control' and kill you you mean?

Sorry op but no, not happening.

As mumsnetters like to say - if a great sandwich was 5% shit, would you still eat it? Of course not!

This will only get worse without professional help. Please don't bring kids into this environment. I did and it ended in divorce when the rage inevitably continued in front of our small child.

My child still remembers stuff from when they were 2/3 years old and they're now nearly 7. It breaks my heart that they had to witness that

He's showing you what he wants to do to you/what he could do to you. It's not losing control at all.
He would be a terrible, terrible father.

Oh that’s ok then! When he goes to push you down the stairs as it’s “just the once”.

You think he'd be a "fantastic dad" other than the fact he has violent rages he admits he can't control?

If you tried to have children with this man you would be utterly irresponsible.

Advice to support him? Here's some advice to support your future children - don't choose him as their father because he has violent rages he cannot control.

Are you that desperate that you have convinced yourself he’s a victim?
Seriously leave him

Oh and he's like this now. What do you think he will be like when you add the pressures of parenting, increased financial responsibility, sleep deprivation... raise your bar for the kind of man you want to father your children.

Please please please don’t have a child with this man. He is abusing you, and will do the same to your baby.

And out of I interest, does he ever smash up his own stuff? I'm betting the tv never gets broke right?

And if you are genuinely telling your family and friends that your partner takes such rages that he smashes the place up and they are excusing that, then either they are no friends to you or they are fucking idiots op. But I suspect you are framing it in a certain way..maybe one that leads them into saying what they think you want to hear.

I also thought my husband was my absolute soul mate, we would never everrrrrr divorce etc. It was also something that "only" occcured every 6m. When it got worse and was in front of our child I had to leave.

And I don't ever regret leaving.

I regret ignoring the problem.

Your situation will only improve if he had serious targeted help for his issues. To over come years of damage in his childhood he needs years of professional therapy. It's not your job to fix or manage him.

Is he searching for help on forums???

he’s extremely thoughtful and i know it sounds silly but there are a couple of really really super weird coincidences that really make me feel that we are meant to be together.

It doesn't just sound silly, it sounds immature, irresponsible and ridiculous once you are considering trying for a baby. Coincidences are just that. I've had some of my best times with an ex of mine, because when it was good it was good. Unfortunately when it was bad or he didn't get his way, he hit me. One outweighs the other. You're fantasising about bringing a child into a situation you know has the potential to be abusive. Do you think that is responsible?

The only way he can sort this is by getting professional help (and actually sticking/engaging with it). You can "support him" all you like, but it won't make a difference unless he owns the issues he has and gets proper help to sort them. Please don't TTC with this guy, don't bring children into the mix. If he's able to hold down a job, and have mates etc (and not "lose control of his temper" around them), then he's more than capable of controlling himself around you: difference is he chooses not to.

You may not think you need it, but please look up and research the tactics he is displaying.
Or read Lundy Bancrofts book or call WA.
He doesn’t display these behaviours socially or in work I’m betting.
It’s a deliberate strategy to stop you discussing or doing anything he doesn’t like.

So little by little, you will be less likely to rock the boat thinking it’s not worth it. Then his goalposts will change so it’ll be something else he’s decided he doesn’t like, and so on until you’ll become a shadow of your former self.
Sleeplessness, financial strain, and all that a baby brings won’t help any of this, and lots of perps up the ante when you’re pregnant or have a baby as they sense you’re vulnerable and are less likely to leave.
It is not your job to be a therapist, rehab, emotional crutch for this damaged man as cruel as it may seem. Unless he goes to counselling and does some serious work on himself on his own steam, your on a hiding to nothing here.
I would stick to your view of not having a baby with this man, as you’d be deliberately bringing in a child to an abusive situation.
If/when you do split he will have unsupervised access to that child.
Everytime you think about having a baby with this man, think of him smashing a kettle next to his child’s face. If he’ll do it to you, he’ll do it to them.

My ex used to do this and at the point I finally left him he had escalated to threatening to kill me if I spoke to other men, dictating what I wore, and forbidding me from using birth control as a way of proving I wasn't being unfaithful. I'm very very lucky I never got pregant. Of the two other women I know whose husbands did this, one ended up hitting her and the other ended up trying to kill her and her children. You are in an abusive, violent, and extremely dangerous relationship. This is officially considered a form of domestic violence. It will escalate, especially if you have children. Don't bother with any of this "get him professional help" nonsense, he won't change. If change was possible then why hasn't he taken steps to do it already? The only thing abusers learn from therapy is the best language to manipulate their therapists and gaslight/darvo their victims. If you won't leave then please at least don't have children with him. Don't do something that unimaginably cruel to a child. One day he could kill you and your children. At the very least you will be subjecting an innocent child to 18 years of fear and violence, which they will probably carry into their own adult relationships.

Someone in my family is like this. We had no idea but he and his wife have just split up because of it. The same as your partner, no violence to her or their child but tantrums and rages. If he won’t get help for his issues then having children with him doesn’t seem like a great plan. I hope he finds some help.

I liked a boy in student halls once. Saw him a few times at parties. We snaogged one weekend and the next week,he moved into the empty room in our flat. ...it was not cute, it was not fate -he had found out where I stayed and changed rooms. He systematically abused me for a year.

Point is op that sometimes coincidences or fate are actually engineered manipulations. Could be the case here? And sometimes 'fate' is a test to see how you can grow and learn from an experience. I've found one test life likes to throw at you: is monsters. To have you learn how to spot them and therefore, grow as a person and learn how to protect yourself from them in future.

Oh and don't under estimate the chance that SS will take steps to remove any children you have with this man. If I knew a woman pregnant by a man like him, I'd be on the phone to SS night and day until I felt they were taking serious steps to protect the child once it was born. It's common advice that the friends and family of abuse victims don't try and push them to leave in case it causes them to cut out the friendship, leaving them more isolated and vulnerable. So just because your friends and family aren't telling you to leave doesn't mean they won't be the first ones on the phone to SS if you make the unconscionable choice to subject an innocent child to this.

There’s no such thing as fate op. Live is about the choices we make.

You saying that you were meant to be is you trying to justify your choice to stay with a man who scares you.

You’re friend does not have to live with your partners rages. I suspect if she did she would change her mind.

Life*

Make no mistake: this is physical abuse, whether it’s smashing an object or hitting a wall. The implicit threat of violence to you is enough to control you and keep you scared so, no, he doesn’t have to do it very often.

It’s very worrying to think of how his behaviour might escalate around a child. Personally, I’d want evidence he is seeking good, long-term and trauma-focussed therapy and learning from it before even considering having a child with him.

What were your own patterns growing up? What have previous relationships been like? A relationship where you are sometimes very scared of your partner is an unhealthy relationship. I’m sure he has psychological problems, but just saying that is not enough. Does he show real remorse at his actions or just reiterate how ‘damaged’ he is? It is not your responsibility to manage his behaviour, it’s his.

You would be cruel to bring children into the world with him as a father.
Have a really good think if you want to do this.

I feel sorry for your poor dog. All the dogs I’ve lived with would be utterly terrified by this behaviour.

As for having kids with him, I guarantee the behaviour would escalate during pregnancy.