Should I contact the other Woman

[Summeronmymind5]

Hi all I've never posted a dilemma before and I am desperately seeking others advice about whether or not to make contact the the woman who had an affair with my husband. Most problem pages/self help books seem to suggest this is a bad idea and that blame should fall to husband. Believe me when I say I am not clearing my husband of blame. However most seem to come from the assumption the the betrayed partner has the following reasons for getting in touch or meeting
A) A morbid curiosity to find out what they look like/more about them
B) Do something rash/revenge
C) 'Telling off'
D) Find information to clarify facts

A & B do not really apply to me - I had previously, briefly met the woman and it's not in my nature to be rash (in fact it's been around 2 years since I found out about the affair).
As for reason C- I won't pretend part of me wants to 'lay in to her' but again I'm above swearing/name calling. I'm usually a very non-confrontational person so I feel it maybe useful to call someone out on behaviour which they ultimately knew was wrong and hurtful (also to give some context I was pregnant with a second child, she too was married with two young kids--and yes again I'm aware my husband acted like a pig).
As for D - clarifying facts - yes I know she may not tell me anything, and if I ask her she has a gains a certain power - but frankly I don't know if I care. If I start from the place that I don't trust my husband (experience has taught me this) but maybe any evidence such as confirming the last day they slept together would he useful? She's the only other person that can do this.

Finally there's a last reason I would want to get in touch which never seemed to be mentioned in the books/online advice; to simply ask her to consider what she has done and to ask her not to shatter other relationships in future. That the next time she feels like cheating she chooses a single guy to do this with.
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

I know lots of people will be along to say absolutely don't contact her but me personally I wouldn't be able to not contact her. I'd want to know the same things as you and also I'd want her to know that I was a real person in all of this. I sometimes get the impression the wife is an abstract entity to the other woman - it's like we don't really exist and therefore the affair is a victimless crime

Don’t do it. There’s no guarantee that she would be receptive or even tell you the truth. You may not get the closure you’re after. Your relationship is over anyway, so what’s the point?

Would it make you feel better or worse? Consider that the conversation might not go very well.

simply ask her to consider what she has done and to ask her not to shatter other relationships in future. That the next time she feels like cheating she chooses a single guy to do this with.

Equally you could give the same sagely wisdom to your own husband.

Are you still with your husband? Is she still with her? Are they still on contact?

So let me get this straight, you’re staying with your husband so have decided to forgive him. You then want to get her side of events to “gather evidence” and “confirm” what he told you was correct. I mean, it’s clear that you don’t trust him? Ultimately it sounds very unhealthy.

A part of you clearly doesn’t believe what he told you, else you wouldn’t bother merely thinking of contact her

No, don’t do it. You have nothing to gain from it. Telling her not to do it again? That’s just patronising, she knew it was wrong but did it anyway. It won’t achieve anything.

I don't think you should.... but I would

Your final reason amounts to reason C - it’s hilarious that you don’t see this as telling her off? Come on.

Let’s just be honest here, you just want to guilt trip her and essentially unleash your raging emotions onto her. You would personally find it cathartic. That’s it. That’s all it boils down to.

You will be a laughing stock

Nooooo. Don't do this. She'll live her life how she wants and no amount of "asking her not shatter other relationships in the future" will have any effect. She had no connection with you, she owes you nothing. Focus your rage and questions on your husband.

She'll laugh in your face. She won't tell you the truth.

It seems you are still with your husband. Attacking the woman he chose to fuck makes you the fool I'm afraid.

To clarify - yes with my husband. And no I would not say I trust him; its a work in progress (he took ages to come clean over certain details). I do trust the affair has ended. As far as I know she is still with her husband and he does know. I of course was tempted to tell the husband and still grapple with that however feel that potentially causing heartache for someone else may make me little better than the cheaters.

I don’t understand the point of this. Why have you stayed with him? It’s been two years and you are still consumed by this and wanting to confirm facts. Is this really the person you want to be for your kids? This isn’t Dallas. Stop being a victim. It’s deeply unattractive. What lengths has your husband gone to in order to repair your relationship? You sound very unhappy and bitter. Why didn’t you get rid of him when he did this? Get rid of him now then you can be free of this nonsense!

If you’re going to do anything then tell the husband. The poor bugger has a right to know what he’s married to! Your life sucks. You know that right? You don’t have to live with this scumbag. What’s in it for you? Really? Why would you want to touch someone who couldn’t be honest and has stuck it somewhere else. Yuck. Plus he took ages to come clean? Come on. He’s probably done it before if he’s like that!

Your idea for a fifth reason isn’t new or novel. It’s telling her off.

You could tell her husband. But then he might leave her. So she will have a vacancy. Want to risk it?

Either make your marriage work or walk away. Why did you decide to stay with him? Have you changed your mind?

Apologies - typo - Her husband does not know.
Thank you for comments so far.

Oh just dump his ass. Ditching an adulterer is always the right thing to do. Ruminating on pathetic imagined confrontations with a woman who actually owes you fuck all will destroy your happiness.

She made no promises to you and isn't accountable to you. Your husband did and is however, save your ire for him.

I'd make sure her husband knows, but no more.

to simply ask her to consider what she has done and to ask her not to shatter other relationships in future.

She had an affair with a married man. She knows what she did, nothing you say will change her mind.

I would have contacted her at the time when you found out two years ago.

I don’t see why you would do it now especially if you don’t think the affair is still going on (are you sure?)

If you asked her the last time they had sex I don’t think you would get a straight answer anyway.

I think you could end up even further humiliated if you talk to this woman. How could you trust anything she said anyway?
I suspect that you would have more to gain by cutting your cheating husband loose.

I think it depends on whether you can keep the conversation 'professional'.

A lot of the comments saying it is not her fault, you won't get straight answers, nothing you will say will change her mind, she will laugh in your face etc are treating another full grown woman as a cartoon character or as a child who doesn't care what they have done.

She may do all these things but she may also have her own feelings on the matter.

You are two grown up females, if you can keep it polite and respectful then talk: but know exactly when to walk away.

Your reason for contacting her is a variation of Reason C. Its a "telling off".
Dont bother. She didn't and doesn't care what you think. Curious, maybe. Care? no.
We don't all look the same so why should we all think the same?
You will not get the truth and you come away from the conversation with more questions than answers.
Remember, you can only predict 50% of the converstion.
I think you probably think by calling her you will feel better/gain closure/establish if your husband was telling the truth about a given date. You won't.
Find a different way to make yourself feel better and gain closure.

I was going to ask you if she was with your H and so could have contact with your children, in which case you do need to know her. But you just said your are still with your husband.
I would not do it OP. Leave it alone. She is a cheater gerself too!
Focus on your life and if you cannot trust your husband just leave him. You do not need any proof in a divorce these days. You do not need any information from her.