Should I contact the other Woman

[Summeronmymind5]

Hi all I've never posted a dilemma before and I am desperately seeking others advice about whether or not to make contact the the woman who had an affair with my husband. Most problem pages/self help books seem to suggest this is a bad idea and that blame should fall to husband. Believe me when I say I am not clearing my husband of blame. However most seem to come from the assumption the the betrayed partner has the following reasons for getting in touch or meeting
A) A morbid curiosity to find out what they look like/more about them
B) Do something rash/revenge
C) 'Telling off'
D) Find information to clarify facts

A & B do not really apply to me - I had previously, briefly met the woman and it's not in my nature to be rash (in fact it's been around 2 years since I found out about the affair).
As for reason C- I won't pretend part of me wants to 'lay in to her' but again I'm above swearing/name calling. I'm usually a very non-confrontational person so I feel it maybe useful to call someone out on behaviour which they ultimately knew was wrong and hurtful (also to give some context I was pregnant with a second child, she too was married with two young kids--and yes again I'm aware my husband acted like a pig).
As for D - clarifying facts - yes I know she may not tell me anything, and if I ask her she has a gains a certain power - but frankly I don't know if I care. If I start from the place that I don't trust my husband (experience has taught me this) but maybe any evidence such as confirming the last day they slept together would he useful? She's the only other person that can do this.

Finally there's a last reason I would want to get in touch which never seemed to be mentioned in the books/online advice; to simply ask her to consider what she has done and to ask her not to shatter other relationships in future. That the next time she feels like cheating she chooses a single guy to do this with.
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

The thing is op, your statement on what you wish to stay with her, if she “decides” to cheat again to “choose “ a single man, indicates you’ve created a fantasy that she proactively decided to do this and chose your husband, had she not done so he’d never have cheated.

And that’s fine as it is likely what uou need to justify your decision to stay. But one message from you is going to blow that fantasy apart to such a degree you can never tell yourself it again. Then where are you? Where does that leave you?

If this is what you need to believe to enable you to stay, and you wish to stay, for whatever reason, kids, finances, convenience, fear of being alone etc, then don’t rip it apart. For your own sake. It’s a mirage you need to continue to cling to.

If you were to speak to this woman OP and found out a whole new lot of things, then would you leave your DH?
Is it possible that subconsciously this 8s what you're looking for?

Again thank you for all your comments so far. I fully accept ruminating on this isn't healthy and feel like I do want to make a decision once and for all which is why I posted but as I said I am not a rash person, anrgy and upset, of course but I found out about this 4 weeks after our second baby - there was no was I would have been emotionally strong enough to confront at the time. My husband - wants me to do whatever will give me the best chance of happiness. And as for trust and actions I guess I don't see things as black and white. I know he acted like a scumbag, I let him know I think he acted like a scum bag. He know's he acted like a scumbag. He is the first to acknowledge (albeit of course he did the usual tactics of minimising his part) that HE was the one with a responsability to me. With trust I feel the saying gained by the gram, lost by the barrel. I am aware I could go back to square one if she says something I'm expecting but as it's not built up a great deal I feel like maybe I don't have too much to loose.

So, what do you think OP, now what you’ve had more time and all of our advice to process?

The thing is you’re going through this and there’s probably so much detail that we don’t know. You don’t sound like a rash, fly-off-the-handle type, so I imagine you’re working through this process in a way that is bearable and emotionally safe for you. Maybe you weren’t emotionally strong enough to speak to her until now. Maybe you don’t want to put the blinkers on.

My guess is the OW (unless she’s a thundering b**tch) won’t present you with loads of extra information — it’s not Eastenders. My guess is she’ll be quite blindsided and will listen to what you have to say — if you are reasonable in your delivery, which I think you will be .

What do you think OP??

How are you going to feeel about the most likely outcome - which is that she ignores you.

@Separatedandabitsad for some reason you seem to think that the OW owes something to the OP. She doesn’t. She doesn’t have to engage with her. She doesn’t have to endure a “telling off” from a stranger.

The reality is she’s still with her husband- she May well regret the affaor and never want to talk about it.

OP, I think you desperately need to talk about this with someone other than your husband. You think the conversation with this woman will give you clarity/closure? Even if she confirms the timelines etc.. Even says sorry.. What difference does it make? She is not the one you are living with, not the one you need to trust.
OP, I would urge you to talk to a psychologist. There are many who do zoom consultations now. They would help you to untangle your own feelings and either learn how to live with the past or make a decision to resolve it in a different way

Speak to her face to face. Look her in the eye.

@MLMbotsgoaway

Au contraire! I’m Not thinking of the OW at all - it doesn’t matter what she thinks, feels, deserves or is owed. What matters is the OP and what she needs to do for herself and her life.

It’s closure you seek - the eradication of those niggling doubts that prevent you building full trust between you and your husband. She helped plant that seed of doubt in you and let it grow - it will continue to thrive until you get that closure.
The question is, will contacting her give you that closure? A text, email or phone call is easily ignored and blocked - leaving you no better off and now without the hope of getting what you seek. You could ‘doorstep’ her which runs the risk of coming across as a bit psycho or sad - I don’t think either is the case here. It also potentially draws her husband into this situation and there are divisive views on whether that is a good or bad thing.

So where does that leave you? Clearly you feel this might help you (rightly or wrongly) but you may hear things you don’t want to or nothing at all or things that leave you with more questions than answers. Any single conversation is unlikely to sate your need for precise and truthful information. If she was willing to enter a flow of honest dialogue over a period of time, you might get what you’re looking for but that is a very rare outcome.

I don’t think your idea is a bad idea, I just think it’s an impractical one because it rests on the need for the OW to be honest and fair and emotionally well tuned and if she was these things she probably wouldn’t have behaved as she did in the first place.

Rest assured, that nagging inner doubt is entirely normal in people like you. It’s horribly unfair and a burden you should not have to carry. I wish I could help you with that, I can’t. All I can advise is that you make it clear to your husband that this is how you feel and the he has a lifelong, daily task to demonstrate trustworthiness in all the forms you need to see it - emotional homework for the rest of his life.

@Separatedandabitsad but look at what you are saying “speak to her face to face”. How exactly would that work I’d Op gets in touch and is told to fuck off?
She can’t demand the answers - and things like “I want her to tell me when they last slept together”? No one OW or not has to answer things like that.

You don't seem to realise that you and he are following the script to the letter. It's totally understandable that you didn't kick him out when you were post partum but him denying and minimising and you blaming the OW is classic script.

Telling her off won't make you feel better. I think you need some more therapy for yourself tbh.

@MLMbotsgoaway

I dont know about any of that ‘last slept together’ thing..,I didn’t notice or respond to any of that.

But yes, I think looking someone in the eye and speaking your truth is the single-most empowering thing a woman can do (as so very men do so very often!). Do you think men live by all of these rules & regs? We are allowed feelings and a voice. It does not matter what the OW says, thinks, feels etc. And It is quite possible the OW is not a crazed, aggressive woman with no conscience ...

But I’d love to hear what the OP thinks.

He minimised his part on it? So tried to blame her? And you’re basically buying it from the text you want to send her about choosing someone single next time?

If this continues to bother you that much then you need to grow a spine and actually dump your cheating husband. He is the one who broke your marital vows. If you are that consumed with anger at her then tell her partner.

Do not tell her partner.

My husband - wants me to do whatever will give me the best chance of happiness

Does he?

[quote Separatedandabitsad]@MLMbotsgoaway

I dont know about any of that ‘last slept together’ thing..,I didn’t notice or respond to any of that.

But yes, I think looking someone in the eye and speaking your truth is the single-most empowering thing a woman can do (as so very men do so very often!). Do you think men live by all of these rules & regs? We are allowed feelings and a voice. It does not matter what the OW says, thinks, feels etc. And It is quite possible the OW is not a crazed, aggressive woman with no conscience ...

But I’d love to hear what the OP thinks.[/quote]
And It is quite possible the OW is not a crazed, aggressive woman with no conscience ...

So what good would talking to her do?

It's been two years. She is a stranger to OP. She is unable to get over it (as I would be which is why I couldn't stay with someone who cheated on me) so no amount of talking to the OW or chastising her is going to make a blind bit of difference. If she ignores her, OP will feel pissed off. If she responds with things OP doesn't want to hear, she'll be pissed off and upset. If she says yes Im sorry then what? OP will suddenly be content in her marriage?!

Her husband is the toxic force here, OP has tried to get over it and clearly hasn't as it's all so front of mind. Again, not criticising OP for that as it's how I would feel - which is why I wouldn't have stayed.

No good can come of this. Certainly not anything good enough to make the relationship between OP and her husband any better. It's not working. She tried, but it's not working.

You're giving her power by contacting her. Why would you do that? Have some self respect.

I personally would never have taken a cheating partner back, you have given him carte blanche to behave the same way again by taking him back. What lesson has he learned here? That you will forgive him when he's had his cock inside another woman...

Ask yourself if you can ever trust this man again. Leave the other woman alone, she doesn't care how you feel, why would she? You are nothing to her. All you do by contacting her is give her a certain smugness about the fact that you're still bothered by her two years down the line.

just want to put my 2 pence in.. my now ex cheated on me whilst i was pregnant, he made me think it was my fault bladidibla which I ended up believing, worked on the relationship despite how much it hurt me. Im pregnant again now, and guess what? Hes cheated again, with his ex who he also has a child with They don't change. Throw him in the bin with the rest of his shit. I hope your well and you deserve better. Also I would tell her husband just to make myself feel better lol (I am angry and bitter right now though tbf haha!). Then close that shitty chapter in your life and never look back. X

@Separatedandabitsad you’re missing my point. While OP may want to meet face to face etc. The OW is under no obligation to go along with it. That’s her “empowerment”. She can just say no.

And based on the fact that it’s been two years and she’s still with her husband and has young children - that’s the most likely thing that she will do.

So what does OP do then? The OW isn’t there to give her closure.

The trust is irreparably broken between you and you’re using contacting her as a last resort to fix your marriage.

You tried to stay with him and move past the marital affair, but as you are beginning to realise, actions have do irreparable consequences and the ramifications of him cheating cannot be magically fixed.

The reality is that you don’t feel the same way about him/your marriage now. It’s not the same as it was before he cheated - the trust/respect etc is gone. The relationship is tainted.

And although you know better, you’re considering contacting her in the hopes that she will say something that will magically make you feel the way you used to about him. You’re pining for her to take all the blame or to tell you “it was just sex” or whatever will soothe your mind, so the relationship can go “back to normal”. He cheated on you whilst you were pregnant with his child and maybe you’re starting to realise how disrespectful that was - and you want her to say something that doesn’t make him look like a bad guy because you can’t comprehend that he would do that to you?

The reality is that this affair just may not be something you can move past.

By the way OP, unlike many in this thread I actually don’t think relationships are always doomed after any affair. Life is long and these things can happen.

BUT - I don’t think that in your case it’s going to work. You are hoping that a conversation with her is going to change how you feel. It’s not.

Also (and tbis sounds so brutal), tbis sort of betrayal can only be gotten over if you choose to move on and forgive. If it’s been two years and you are regularly focusing on it - that’s not going away - if anything it sounds like it’s getting worse.

The only thing you can do to punish her is tell her husband. I would.

Don’t say the other stuff “shattered relationship” etc, it just exposes your weaknesses. She is a stranger and you come across as wanting her to help heal you which is not good.

I’m not saying don’t tell her husband, but can you be sure that her husband isn’t aware and has accepted it? It was 2 years ago after all. You just might run the risk of looking spiteful/unhinged, that’s all.