Should I contact the other Woman

[Summeronmymind5]

Hi all I've never posted a dilemma before and I am desperately seeking others advice about whether or not to make contact the the woman who had an affair with my husband. Most problem pages/self help books seem to suggest this is a bad idea and that blame should fall to husband. Believe me when I say I am not clearing my husband of blame. However most seem to come from the assumption the the betrayed partner has the following reasons for getting in touch or meeting
A) A morbid curiosity to find out what they look like/more about them
B) Do something rash/revenge
C) 'Telling off'
D) Find information to clarify facts

A & B do not really apply to me - I had previously, briefly met the woman and it's not in my nature to be rash (in fact it's been around 2 years since I found out about the affair).
As for reason C- I won't pretend part of me wants to 'lay in to her' but again I'm above swearing/name calling. I'm usually a very non-confrontational person so I feel it maybe useful to call someone out on behaviour which they ultimately knew was wrong and hurtful (also to give some context I was pregnant with a second child, she too was married with two young kids--and yes again I'm aware my husband acted like a pig).
As for D - clarifying facts - yes I know she may not tell me anything, and if I ask her she has a gains a certain power - but frankly I don't know if I care. If I start from the place that I don't trust my husband (experience has taught me this) but maybe any evidence such as confirming the last day they slept together would he useful? She's the only other person that can do this.

Finally there's a last reason I would want to get in touch which never seemed to be mentioned in the books/online advice; to simply ask her to consider what she has done and to ask her not to shatter other relationships in future. That the next time she feels like cheating she chooses a single guy to do this with.
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

I didn't and in some respects I'm glad I didn't, however I used to fantasise about bumping into her, when she was with her husband and letting rip. The one thing I do regret is not telling her dh. As far as I can see she's still happily married, whereas my relationship ended as a result. Although I'm happier now, it seemed so unfair at the time. I didn't, as I was trying to rebuild my relationship and didn't want to make things difficult for him (oh how I laugh at that now).

I think at the end of the day there is no right or wrong answer here.

People will have a multitude of experiences, whether they contacted the OW or whether they didn't, and there will be positive and negative responses either way. However this is your life. If it will make you feel better saying something then it doesn't matter what the books say, or what other people say, you need to do what's best for you.

You just need to make sure you're prepared for whatever response you may get. You may get no response at all, or you may get aggression back, and you may hear something that you really don't want to hear. Something that takes away all the hard work you've not doubt had to do over the last 2 years to work on your relationship with your husband. If you've accepted that and are willing to deal with whatever comes from speaking to her, then that's what you should do. It's ok to be selfish and make this all about you and what you want, and fuck the two of them and how they feel about it.

As a previous poster said all contacting her will do is reopen old wounds. Very likely whatever she tells you will only push you deeper into your own personal hell.
The best way through this is to concentrate on yourself. Do things which make you feel good about yourself and improve your confidence. This is very important and once your confidence returns only then will it stop consuming you

Doesn’t make sense as someone so afraid of their abusive partner could summon that strength to overcome their fear and the time away to have an affair would be able to summon the strength and have the opportunity to leave the house to leave the abusive partner

That’s incredible naive. Women in abusive relationships do sometimes have affairs.

@Summeronmymind5

Why have you stayed with your husband?

After 2 years you’ve clearly not forgotten or been able to get past the affair, despite solo and relationship counselling.

You’re still at the point where you’re considering contacting the OW for further details. This means you still don’t believe what you’ve been told and can’t move on. That’s actually a healthy and normal response to the betrayal you’ve suffered.

I assume your husband was caught out, rather than coming clean to you. Which means it could have carried on.. Another layer of betrayal.

All you’re doing here is prolonging you’re own misery, because you are willingly staying in a situation where your head and gut knows you can’t trust your husband.

No trust = a life of misery and erosion of your self-esteem.

You can dress up your reasons for wanting to contact the OW as much as you like, but everyone reading this can see the above is true.

So - again - why haven’t you left him?

simply ask her to consider what she has done and to ask her not to shatter other relationships in future

This is exactly why I would urgently ask you to focus on your husband, and not on the tools of his betrayal. You cannot possibly 'warn off' all the people with whom he might cheat. You might, just possibly, be able to convince him to stop cheating.

Do you see ?

Op, the issue here is two years later you’re still fantasising about this, you’ve not moved on at all. You’ve just moved to blaming her so you can justify staying with him. He treated you by far much worse.

This is what you need to deal with. Sure you can fire her angry texts. Giving her a telling off like she’s a kid, and hope like fuck she doesn’t come back at you and make it worse for you. But it’s a big risk.

So only take that risk if you’re willing to loose.

What if she texts or writes back

I’m sorry you are so hurt, it was a terrible time for me, he swore his marriage was over, he had no desire to be with you and you knew and accepted it, that you’d agreed to be together for convenience. He told me he wanted to marry me, and that he loved me, that he’d never had sex like it, that he didn’t even like you any more never mind fancy you and there was nothing left and you knew it. You were basically separated. My marriage was a mess, my husband is controlling and I stupidly fell for it, he lied to both of us.

How will you feel?

My xh cheated. The OW didn’t give a fuck about the destruction they’d caused.

I tried for a couple of years to keep the marriage going as he promised he’d stopped it. Etc. But it was too difficult with no trust. Eventually it ended and it turned out it had never ended. As much as I had dreaded it ending, it was actually such a relief snd I’m so much happier now.

Sadly, the OW is clearly a pretty horrible individual to do what she did. But I’d think more about whether you can really stay with your H when still tormented by what happened

What happens if she lies and says the affair is still going on or lies about some other detail that you doubt your husband on? And your husband denies it. Who will / can you believe? Why would you trust her to tell you the truth, there's nothing in it for her? She was happy to hurt you before, she will still be happy to hurt you, she might get a kick out of lying and stirring things up again if it suits her! Also, it's not up to her to be remorseful, it's up to your husband. No good can come of you speaking to her.

What happens if she tells you the affair is still ongoing and she’s not lying?

@Summeronmymind5 I really feel for you. It’s just awful. But if you do want to stay with your husband then just leave it.

OP, you’re displacing your anger and ongoing mistrust of your husband onto this woman. The “clarifying information’ is stuff you want to know he’s not lying about, and the wish to tell her not to do it again is clearly what you want to tell him.

I went on a few dates with someone that unbeknownst to me had a partner at home.
She contacted me and I stopped it all instantly, but she wanted details.
I gave her a sanitised version and then blocked her.
There's no guarantee the OW will give you any information at all. That could be just as frustrating

I think some of the posters are being harsh and it's not always as simple as "just walking away"! You clearly love him but he's messed up. Also, two years is nothing when you've been hurt. This pain can sadly last for years.
I've spoken to the OW in my situation and I deeply regret ever having contacted her (I'm now divorced) as I changed into a petulant, foul mouthed 15 year old ! I should have held my head up....

Unlikely any good could come if it.
He chose to cheat. She didn’t make him do it. Focus on him only.

What are you hoping to actually achieve? Let’s pretend she’s absolutely amenable to answring your questions (which she won’t be). Name one thing she could say that is going to have a positive impact on you.

Surely she'd just say whatever helps your partner out? Rather than an honest discussion. She had loyalty to him (even if split up) not you. So would minimise it one assumes to just what you already know.

This is the best thread I have seen on this.

She was not there to police your marriage for you. There is no vow that every other woman in the world takes, in your wedding, to put your wants above their own, and above your own husband’s.*
*There IS a vow when banns are read for “those here present” to support your marriage if you invited her to your wedding. Did you? If not, she is literally none of your business.

Why should she be in the least interested about your interpretation of the sexual lockdown your husband disagrees that you were in? It was your husband’s wedding too and he has already told her (by action if not by words) that he thinks his vows to you on fidelity were, or have since become, worthless.

Your husband sat in a shop window and put himself up for sale. He did that despite your claim of ownership. She bought what he was selling. What are you going to tell her off for- handling stolen goods? Persuading said goods to be saleable by the power of her sheer sexual magnetism? Lack of supply chain due diligence?

The goods asked to be bought and she just happened to have the same taste as you. He agreed willingly and leapt into her handbag.

There is literally no legal remedy against her for this- and there’s a reason for that.

Two long years later, unfortunately your marriage is still a matter solely between you and him. You are staying with a man you can’t trust and projecting your shame at doing so onto her. Don’t. It dilutes fury you need towards him. You could have been dating someone better by now. Like yourself a bit more.

To what purpose? The only problem is your husband. As long as he's staying true to you, she can shag anyone in the world, it's nothing to you. The only person responsible for your husband's commitment to you is him.

You say you're not clearing your husband of blame but you're talking about reprimanding HER for "shattering relationships" and only your husband did that. He's 100% responsible for his commitment, the only guardian of it Why would you expect her to treat your marriage with more respect than he does?

You want to confront her because it will make you feel that she is somehow at least as much to blame, making it easier to take your husband back. You also think that you will somehow bring her down with your moral reprimand, but again, that should be reserved for the one who promised you he wouldn't stray.

You are most unlikely to get a grovelling apology from her, and even if you did, it doesn't solve anything if you can't trust your husband not to do it again. It's pure deflection. Concentrate on the only person responsible for, and capable of betraying, your marriage.

@Bluntness100

Op, the issue here is two years later you’re still fantasising about this, you’ve not moved on at all. You’ve just moved to blaming her so you can justify staying with him. He treated you by far much worse.

This is what you need to deal with. Sure you can fire her angry texts. Giving her a telling off like she’s a kid, and hope like fuck she doesn’t come back at you and make it worse for you. But it’s a big risk.

So only take that risk if you’re willing to loose.

What if she texts or writes back

I’m sorry you are so hurt, it was a terrible time for me, he swore his marriage was over, he had no desire to be with you and you knew and accepted it, that you’d agreed to be together for convenience. He told me he wanted to marry me, and that he loved me, that he’d never had sex like it, that he didn’t even like you any more never mind fancy you and there was nothing left and you knew it. You were basically separated. My marriage was a mess, my husband is controlling and I stupidly fell for it, he lied to both of us.

How will you feel?

All of this.

The reality is that your husband is more likely than not to have told her you two were only together for the kids (or mortgage or whatever), don't sleep together, he doesn't find you attractive, nobody has made him feel like her etc. All of that may be bullshit but it's very likely to have been what he said to her. Do you really want her to respond saying that? By contacting her you are opening up the possibility of that happening.

If it's been two years and you're still this raw about it then you surely can't have a healthy relationship with him and it's time to call it a day? I don't say that in judgement - I absolutely couldn't stay with someone who cheated for precisely that reason - I know that whether two weeks / months / years on I would never trust them again so it would be a pointless exercise.

You tried to make it work, it hasn't and so you're still suffering from it. Nobody is worth that. Don't let him take any more years of happiness from you.

It won't change any of her behaviour, she knows what she's done and what the consequences could have been. You telling her won't make any difference at all. If she is a good person, she will already feel awful. If she isn't a good person, she won't care. You contacting her won't change her POV either way.

You've tried, you've had counselling, you've given it time. You don't have to stay with him just because you thought you could make it work. This isn't working.

@MLMbotsgoaway

What are you hoping to actually achieve? Let’s pretend she’s absolutely amenable to answring your questions (which she won’t be). Name one thing she could say that is going to have a positive impact on you.

She can say, “I’m sorry, he loved you so much, it was all me, I offered it up on a plate, he kept refusing but eventually I wore him down, I knew what I was doing, and can’t help going after other woman’s husbands, it wasn’t his fault, it was all me, he kept telling me over and over how guilty he felt, how much he loved you, I’m a shit human being, thank you for making me see sense, I’m so hurt by your text and devastated, but I’ll never do it again. It’s hard to answer your questions but to be very clear, he never wanted me, only you.”

Clearly she’s never going to say that. But I think that is along the lines of what the op is hoping to hear.

No. Just no. You have spent so long thinking about this that you have crafted reasons for reacting to the urge you've had all along.
You are not going to get the better of her or make yourself feel any better. It's pointless.
If you haven't got beyond this in two years you need to accept that a relationship without trust will only bring you sadness.
This isn't about her, it's about your relationship with your husband and sorting that out is the only thing that'll bring you peace.

Also, if you did contact her, be prepared to hear stuff you can't unhear. She will have squared any contradictory feelings within herself in order to conduct the affair, your husband may have told her anything about you, and she really isn't likely to accept a narrative in which you are her moral superior bringing her down with your righteousness. You may well not want to know what she has to say in her defence or how things looked from her perspective.

I think that your focus is all wrong. Set her aside. Decide whether you still want to be married to him.

Two years is a long time. You obviously don’t trust what he’s told you about the affair. No point in going back over old ground, he’s not to be trusted as he took his time telling you the full details. He bided his time and has probably lied to you.
It’s not too late to dump his arse if you still don’t trust him. Good on you for trying I forgive him, but it seems it hasn’t worked 🤷🏼‍♀️

Shecan say, “I’m sorry, he loved you so much, it was all me, I offered it up on a plate, he kept refusing but eventually I wore him down, I knew what I was doing, and can’t help going after other woman’s husbands, it wasn’t his fault, it was all me, he kept telling me over and over how guilty he felt, how much he loved you, I’m a shit human being, thank you for making me see sense, I’m so hurt by your text and devastated, but I’ll never do it again. It’s hard to answer your questions but to be very clear, he never wanted me, only you.”

Clearly she’s never going to say that. But I think that is along the lines of what the op is hoping to hear.

Even if she does say that, and I agree it's most unlikely, it's no help if OP still can't trust him not to do it again. She can't even trust it's true, OW might be lying to help him out. Her husband's faithfulness is the only one that matters, and if she can't trust him to speak or act in truth, it makes no difference what any random woman elsewhere might say or do.

There was a thread on here a while ago in which a former OW, who had an affair with a married man when she was much younger, received a letter from the wife essentially trying to bring her down with moral righteousness. Her reaction at the time had been "tell it to your husband" and to laugh at the wife with her friends for being pompous and superior. Now, many years later, she has a better understanding of why it was wrong and wouldn't do it again, but that was nothing to do with the letter, just her own age and maturity. She still thought "tell it to your husband"....