Should I contact the other Woman

[Summeronmymind5]

Hi all I've never posted a dilemma before and I am desperately seeking others advice about whether or not to make contact the the woman who had an affair with my husband. Most problem pages/self help books seem to suggest this is a bad idea and that blame should fall to husband. Believe me when I say I am not clearing my husband of blame. However most seem to come from the assumption the the betrayed partner has the following reasons for getting in touch or meeting
A) A morbid curiosity to find out what they look like/more about them
B) Do something rash/revenge
C) 'Telling off'
D) Find information to clarify facts

A & B do not really apply to me - I had previously, briefly met the woman and it's not in my nature to be rash (in fact it's been around 2 years since I found out about the affair).
As for reason C- I won't pretend part of me wants to 'lay in to her' but again I'm above swearing/name calling. I'm usually a very non-confrontational person so I feel it maybe useful to call someone out on behaviour which they ultimately knew was wrong and hurtful (also to give some context I was pregnant with a second child, she too was married with two young kids--and yes again I'm aware my husband acted like a pig).
As for D - clarifying facts - yes I know she may not tell me anything, and if I ask her she has a gains a certain power - but frankly I don't know if I care. If I start from the place that I don't trust my husband (experience has taught me this) but maybe any evidence such as confirming the last day they slept together would he useful? She's the only other person that can do this.

Finally there's a last reason I would want to get in touch which never seemed to be mentioned in the books/online advice; to simply ask her to consider what she has done and to ask her not to shatter other relationships in future. That the next time she feels like cheating she chooses a single guy to do this with.
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

@badacorn

The only thing you can do to punish her is tell her husband. I would.

Don’t say the other stuff “shattered relationship” etc, it just exposes your weaknesses. She is a stranger and you come across as wanting her to help heal you which is not good.

Is that what you want to do op? Punish her for saying yes to your husband?

But none of that has happened. It’s all hypothetical..we are allowed to have different opinions on this. it doesn’t mean one person is right and one is wrong. It’s not that I missed your point. It’s that I see it differently. and that is allowed and ok.

.I just don’t think a man would give a second thought to saying what he wanted to say and he certainly wouldn’t obsess over the potential reaction of the person his wife cheated with!. I don’t think OP would ‘chastise.’ She sounds like a dignified, reasonable human, not a soap opera character. We can just agree to disagree.

Of course speaking to the OW won’t give a neat closure, but dealing with the aftermath of an affair is a process and maybe speaking to the OW will be part of the necessary process to end (or save) their marriage. Putting the blinkers on and doing nothing will achieve nothing and no change will come from that, in my opinion.

But again, I’d like to know more and what the OP herself thinks.

Don’t do it.

She’s already proved she has no morals by seeing your husband.

She knew he was married, and was happy with that

She doesn’t care about you one whit

She is not going to be nice to you

And she may well be very nasty to you

Most people couldn’t take this

Don’t inflict this on your self

You will feel worse, and see that she feels even better

I've been there OP so I really do know what you are going through, it has been two years and you are still tossing this round and round in your mind. I understand why you are doing this and how raw it can still feel and the surge of pain and betrayal that will engulf you every now and then. This will ease, but only to be replaced by a stony numb feeling and you gradually shut off part of you to protect your feelings. I'm not going to say leave him, because you probably won't...yet, but one day he will do it again or maybe you will have your head turned and realised you are worth (and can have) more, and then the real healing and your new life will begin.

Speak to the OW if you must, but you know the only person you need to have this brutal, honest and painful conversation with is yourself......when you are ready

@badacorn im with you, i think she should tell the husband. And i wouldn't even bother speaking to the OW.

To be clear, I was responding to @MLMbotsgoaway and I don’t think OP should tell the OW’s DH — that’s an appalling idea in my opinion.

I don’t think OP would ‘chastise.’

It's exactly what she wants to do by telling OW about "shattering relationships" and telling her not to do it in future. It isn't going to cause the OW to collapse in penance and self-loathing, and even if it did, it wouldn't solve the problem of the husband being untrustworthy. If she responds at all, it's more likely to be to tell OP things that destroy her narrative and characterisation of everyone involved.

Don't do it, it's very unlikely to go the way you imagine in your head. Don't give her any more power over you.

The other thing that can happen here- you text/Facebook/whatever

She ignores you - but gets directly in contact with your DH to ask what’s going on.

How would you feel if that happens?

Ofcourse speaking to the OW won’t give a neat closure, but dealing with the aftermath of an affair is a process and maybe speaking to the OW will be part of the necessary process to end (or save) their marriage. Putting the blinkers on and doing nothing will achieve nothing and no change will come from that, in my opinion.

It's not OP's job to fix OP's marriage. It's her husband's. Things need doing to save or end the marriage, but dragging in someone who's not responsible for it in order to deflect from the person who is isn't the way forward. In fact, deflecting to the OW is pretty much what blinkering would be in this situation.

OW's job, not OP's.

Let me get this right. You want to contact the woman who had an affair with your husband and tell her think about her behaviour in the future?

Please don’t embarrass yourself in this way. You will make a fool of yourself. I wonder whether counselling might help you move on from your husband’s betrayal. You letting it fester like it obviously has, is not healthy for you.

Btw I would not personally consider telling the partner of whoever cheated with my partner some two years after the fact because I could not get over the deceit. I would not stay with my DH in the first place because it would never be the same again. Depending on the circumstances, I would however tell the partner of whoever was involved in breaking up my marriage. Two years later, I would strive to have moved on and shed any bitterness. If I knew the woman involved and she got involved with my DH, I would not want to know the details, that’s just torturing yourself, I’d ensure that she would have to renegotiate her marriage too. There’s no fecking way, I’d play the martyr and walk away with my marriage broken and her getting away with it.

Speak to the OW if you must, but you know the only person you need to have this brutal, honest and painful conversation with is yourself......when you are ready

I like the above advice from someone who was in OP’s situation.

Peace and love to you all.

@MLMbotsgoaway

The other thing that can happen here- you text/Facebook/whatever

She ignores you - but gets directly in contact with your DH to ask what’s going on.

How would you feel if that happens?

This is exactly what would happen. As women we know this, because this is what we would do if we were in the OW's position.

So OP could potentially be giving OW an excuse to get back in touch with OP's scumbag Husband.

Bad idea all round.

I once was the OW accidentally. I dumped him when I found out. I would not answer any questions about my sex life though. It's not just his sex life you're asking about, but it's also hers. That is quite intimate information that you have no right to. I'd only confirm that there was an affair, and that I ended it. But that's it. When I have had sex is not information that anyone has a right to, regardless of the circumstances.

It's not OP's job to fix OP's marriage. It's her husband's

Actually it’s both of them. If she decides to stay she also needs to try to fix it. It cannot be all him.

The fact that two years later she’s still wanting to contact the ow shows the op is living a lie. Maybe she’s looking for a reason to leave now, and wants the ow to give her that reason.

@Bluntness100

It's not OP's job to fix OP's marriage. It's her husband's

Actually it’s both of them. If she decides to stay she also needs to try to fix it. It cannot be all him.

The fact that two years later she’s still wanting to contact the ow shows the op is living a lie. Maybe she’s looking for a reason to leave now, and wants the ow to give her that reason.

It was a typo. I meant OW. You can't say OP should contact OW if it's necessary to sort the marriage one way or another. That's not OW's job.

@JaffaCake70 honestly I think it will be that or just a flat out block.

It’s on TV that see these “heart to hearts”. Or possibly when it’s all very raw you may get curiously on the side of the OW. But in this case it’s been years, OW has her own husband to worry about oh and there’s a global pandemic

The likelihood of her saying “oh yes let’s have a chat and I’ll tell you everything you want to know” is extremely low,

t was a typo. I meant OW. You can't say OP should contact OW if it's necessary to sort the marriage one way or another. That's not OW's job

Well no, of course not, I’d not say that, I was responding to what you wrote. I’m not a mind reader to know you made a mistake

@Bluntness100 @ShebaShimmyShake actually think what you said still stand (with or without the typo).

It is up to the OP as well as her DH to save the marriage (but not OW as well agree). If she cannot get past it, they’re doomed even if her DH never left the house again.

It’s shit and horrible but if it’s going to be the elephant in the room forever they won’t survive as a couple.

@Bluntness100

t was a typo. I meant OW. You can't say OP should contact OW if it's necessary to sort the marriage one way or another. That's not OW's job

Well no, of course not, I’d not say that, I was responding to what you wrote. I’m not a mind reader to know you made a mistake

I didn't say anything like that. Just explained what I meant.

The sense I get from your post, OP, is that you are dismayed at the lack of justice. This is entirely understandable and you are justified in feeling the way you do. Setting aside your husband's involvement (which you are able to address with him directly) the other woman's actions leave you confused (because you wouldn't choose to act in the way she has acted) and frustrated (because you are not aware that she has had to face the consequences of her actions).

Another poster used the swan analogy. Go for this. Hold your head high. No good will come to you through communicating with this other person.

A side issue: if my spouse had been cheating on me and the other party's husband knew about it I would want to know. I know you think that if you told the OW's husband it would be motivated by revenge. You have a strong sense of justice so you will understand that this man must be told of his wife's infidelity. You're in a difficult situation, but I think I would arrange to meet him and try to break the news gently and with compassion.

You have a strong sense of justice so you will understand that this man must be told of his wife's infidelity. You're in a difficult situation, but I think I would arrange to meet him and try to break the news gently and with compassion

How would that go then

“Hi, sorry to tell you this, but two years ago I found out your wife was having an affair with my husband, I’ve forgiven him and stayed with him, shag him regularly, tell him I love him, sleep in the same bed as him, but feel yout wife has not been punished. So I would like to tell you gently in the hope you will go home and cause her some significant pain, so she is punished for saying yes to him. I’m sorry you’re collateral damage in this. I’ve got some evidence here if you don’t believe me, and here’s my number, would be great if you could tell me what you do to her. So I can enjoy it”

Telling him isn’t justice. It’s revenge.

OP you said that you had couples counselling. I did too and I found that there was too much emphasis on me to take the blame for my part in the marriage getting to that point. I had been distant to him but this was because he was abusive and controlling (not picked up by the counsellor) and he had done something unforgivable when I had been seriously ill a few months before. I was in a very vulnerable position when I found out about the affair, still undergoing check ups for previous illness, 2 small DC and I had just been made redundant. I did speak to the OW at the time and she told me all of the things that others had said you might be told too. He denied it all but then a year later I found a message he had sent to a female friend describing me as a needy wife for not being happy with him going for a night out with the friend who introduced him to the OW! I snapped and he told me that ‘I should be over it by now’ I still wasn’t strong enough to leave, he cheated again a few years later and I eventually got out of the situation and my only regret is that it took me so long! You deserve better, you won’t get answers from the OW and as others have said, your anger needs to be exclusively directed towards your H. Who he cheats with is irrelevant, it’s the fact that he chose to cheat on you that is the issue. There is no failure in admitting that you can’t get over that. I think leaving the relationship is the best thing to do. I am not convinced by the ‘he cheated, we have worked at it and are stronger than ever’ brigade. Most of the time people are only fooling themselves. The happiest people I know are the ones who have ended the marriage and moved on to new relationships.