Should I contact the other Woman

[Summeronmymind5]

Hi all I've never posted a dilemma before and I am desperately seeking others advice about whether or not to make contact the the woman who had an affair with my husband. Most problem pages/self help books seem to suggest this is a bad idea and that blame should fall to husband. Believe me when I say I am not clearing my husband of blame. However most seem to come from the assumption the the betrayed partner has the following reasons for getting in touch or meeting
A) A morbid curiosity to find out what they look like/more about them
B) Do something rash/revenge
C) 'Telling off'
D) Find information to clarify facts

A & B do not really apply to me - I had previously, briefly met the woman and it's not in my nature to be rash (in fact it's been around 2 years since I found out about the affair).
As for reason C- I won't pretend part of me wants to 'lay in to her' but again I'm above swearing/name calling. I'm usually a very non-confrontational person so I feel it maybe useful to call someone out on behaviour which they ultimately knew was wrong and hurtful (also to give some context I was pregnant with a second child, she too was married with two young kids--and yes again I'm aware my husband acted like a pig).
As for D - clarifying facts - yes I know she may not tell me anything, and if I ask her she has a gains a certain power - but frankly I don't know if I care. If I start from the place that I don't trust my husband (experience has taught me this) but maybe any evidence such as confirming the last day they slept together would he useful? She's the only other person that can do this.

Finally there's a last reason I would want to get in touch which never seemed to be mentioned in the books/online advice; to simply ask her to consider what she has done and to ask her not to shatter other relationships in future. That the next time she feels like cheating she chooses a single guy to do this with.
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

I am sorry that your husband cheated, have you had any counselling? It doesn't sound as though you have healed from your husbands betrayal and 2 years on, it is still very much causing you pain and I doubt meeting the other woman will provide the resolution you are seeking, on the contrary it's likely to reopen all the wounds!

If you haven't had counselling, this might be something worth considering and if you can move beyond his behaviour or if you are better off without him!

I don’t think it will help your relationship with your husband to speak with her. Even if she feels dreadful about the affair she will most likely jump to the defensive if confronted....I’m sure your husband didn’t paint your marriage in a good light, finding out all the details/hurtful things will only cause more pain to you. If 2 years on you are still feeling like this, maybe it’s time to move on from your husband, it’s him that betrayed you and not OW.

I’m not sure if I would contact the OW 2 years later. Had it of been straight away yes I would. The wives seem to go to the husbands personally I think it’s better to get the story from the OW first.

I've been where you are. Even though I fought hard for my marriage and knew her and exactly what they were doing even though it was totally denied, my marriage eventually ended and they are together now. There were times when I wanted to contact her but I am glad I didn't. If you do you are guaranteed to lose. You will never get the answers you want, you will never get the reaction you want, you will lose. Who knows what has told her about your relationship...probably a pack of lies.

Fight as hard as you can if that's what you want but she is not the problem (even though she's a complete bitch for being involved with a married man)....he is the problem.

Hold your head up high, keep your self esteem and know at the end of the day that you are worth more.

I found out about my partners affair when the other woman contacted me. She actually wanted me to answer some of her questions as of course he had lied to her. I was utterly floored and shocked and had only just put my son to bed. She called my house phone and even mentioned she knew where I lived. It felt like she held all the cards as she wouldn't even tell me her name. She then called me back a couple of days later asking if I wanted to know any details. I remained dignified but did give her what for and put the phone now. Months later when he came to see his son and gave us a lift home I noticed his old phone in his car so I took it and read all their messages. She clearly knew he had a family lots of "oh I hate thinking of you there with them" type messages and I was so tempted to contact her and give her what for as I had felt more stupid when she called that she knew all this information about me and I had known nothing of her. But thankfully reading threads on here I stopped myself and moved on. You can't change other people only how you deal with them. Remember in all of this you did nothing wrong so hold you head high and just look forward not backwards. You need to let it go as it just consumes you otherwise.

@banking

simply ask her to consider what she has done and to ask her not to shatter other relationships in future. That the next time she feels like cheating she chooses a single guy to do this with.

Equally you could give the same sagely wisdom to your own husband.

Exactly. She didn't shatter anything. Your husband did when he chose to cheat. Wouldn't make a difference to you who with.

Two years on, and you want to let her know how much room she is still taking up in your head and life? Are you sure you want to give her that power?

I think given her husband is still in the dark she is massively unlikely to engage with you in any way and also hugely likely to lie, she has a vested interest in playing everything down including the last time they saw each other. I totally understand why you want to do this, I would too, but I don’t think you’ll get the closure, as it were, that you are looking for. Ultimately if this is still on your mind maybe this hasn’t resolved itself in a way that you can move on from? I think maybe the only way a couple can get over an affair is with total honesty on the cheater’s part about what happened and why, maybe with some couples counselling? It feels like the unfinished business here might be with your husband rather than the OW, i don’t think it will give you what you are looking for.

If you feel like this after 2 years you definitely have not moved on. Why are you still with your deceitful husband?
I wouldn’t contact her now. Maybe when you first found out but not now. Are you sure you want to stay with your husband when he makes you feel like this?
Don’t tell her husband either. He has made his decision just like you have. Would you want someone calling you up now and going into details about your husbands affair?
You appear to have to be blaming the ow as if you blame your dh then your brain is asking why are you still with him and that’s perfectly normal.

Don’t do it because it’s not going to go the way you want.

She’s not going to sit there and take a telling off like a child. She’s going to come back at you. And she’s going to tell you shit that’s going to make your world explode. It will not be pretty.

You want to stay with him, then crack on, pretend to believe what he tells you, so just keep your head down and do it, because confronting her is going to give you a reality dose that you don’t want.

The other woman has kids and is married herself she knows what she has done. She may have been/ is wracked with guilt but I can't see much good coming out of this. The only difference between you is that her marriage has been untouched by this. You have to live with the pain and humiliation of knowing about the betrayal. I was cheated on myself and felt angry at the other woman as I couldn't imagine doing that to another woman. Above all what I wanted to know was 'Was it worth it?' from him after the fact. In time I realised how much better I was out that relationship and it had been worth it for me. You might find out things you wish you didn't know so you would have to prepare yourself for that.

Dump him
Tell her husband
Move on

He can't be trusted

@Newwayofthinking

Dump him Tell her husband Move on

He can't be trusted

What if she’s in an abusive relationship? What if he beats the shit out of her? Does she deserve it for having an affair?

@Newwayofthinking

Dump him Tell her husband Move on

He can't be trusted

Bad advice. Do not do this OP. You don’t even know the OW side of the story. Karma is a real thing.

It’s not fair on OW husband either.

What do you hope to gain from confronting her? What would be the desired outcome?
It sounds like you want to be the dignified wronged wife putting her in her place and walking away with your head held high, leaving her to contemplate her actions. (I saw this in a film it was very dramatic) The problem with this scenario is that she doesn't have the same script.
How are you going to feel if she doesn't just meekly sit there and let you say what you want to? What if she fights back or laughs at you? (same film).
She won't react the way you feel she should because she does not live by the same rules you do. She won't admire your dignity or feel shame. She owes you nothing.
I don't think that, after 2 years, you will gain anything positive from meeting her but you are giving her the power to cause you even more pain.

Perhaps think of it this way - what do you think would be the best possible outcome for you if you did contact her? Would she need to be contrite? Would you feel better?

Then imagine what if you got none of the things you hope for out of the encounter. Would you still feel better or would it make you feel worse?

It is totally up to you! If you think you'd feel better even if she is unrepentant then I'd say go for it.

Well it won't go the way you expect it to for sure!

You plan to tell her how to conduct her business - to tell her not to shag married men in future. Do you think she will roll over and say 'oh goodness me. I'm so sorry. Yes of course I will be good from now on. Thank you for pointing out the error of my ways.'

She will quite possibly tell you to fuck off - although I suspect this is what you want deep down is it not? For her to show her true horribleness, to show how disgusting a person she is, how she's just a slag, the affair was mostly her fault and to justify your decision to stay with your husband?

Do you think anything you say will make a bit of difference to her?

All this will do is confirm to her that two years later you still have issues within your marriage. Which I suspect you still do if this is eating away at you.

You should probably consider counselling and/or leaving your adulterer husband rather than trying to get closure from the OW.

Good luck

Personally I would want to contact the OW. However, it may not go how you want the conversation to go......but I do believe it brings some sort of closure, the closure of 'knowing' rather than the constant unanswered questions.

but I do believe it brings some sort of closure

No, it doesn’t. What if she didn’t entertain the conversation at all and asked Op to leave her alone? What closure would be gained exactly? Let’s be frank, she doesn’t want to answer any of Op’s “questions” so probably won’t. It’s on her own husband to provide these answers.

Again thank you for all these point. I should clarify I would not intend on having a face to face meeting - if I were her I would come. It would be a written message - probably a text, I hadn't even considered a phone call.

I’m not really sure how exactly to comment on your post @Bluntness100 but the OW predicament is the problem if the OP. The OW made her choice when she had an affair with a married man. If she had enough gumption to defy her abusive DH (in your scenarios) then why couldn’t she summon the gumption to leave him, which is also defying him? Doesn’t make sense as someone so afraid of their abusive partner could summon that strength to overcome their fear and the time away to have an affair would be able to summon the strength and have the opportunity to leave the house to leave the abusive partner.

OP, she did nothing to you. He did it all. She doesn't have to think about her behaviour, he has to think about his. He was unfaithful to you, she was just getting on with her life. By blaming her you are relieving him of blame. And, not taking into account his autonomy. He made a choice to become involved with her. It's never an accident and there is no man who couldn't say no if he wanted to.

You are blaming the wrong person. You are expecting a woman to police other women's relationships, to ensure husbands don't stray. That's ridiculous. And unfair. Look at the one who betrayed you, not the 'anybody' he betrayed you with.

@Summeronmymind5. I don’t think you’d be a laughing stock, no. The OW and your DH are morally repugnant for their behaviour And to expect them to care now about your thoughts/feelings is naive. They didn’t respect you then and won’t now suddenly respect what you have to say and take on what you say

After two years, you’re wanting to do this illustrates you have not dealt with their affair and it’s impact in you. Maybe some counselling to help you move on is needed.

And yes we've had counselling - together and both separately.

What does your DH think of your plan to contact OW?