Should I contact the other Woman

[Summeronmymind5]

Hi all I've never posted a dilemma before and I am desperately seeking others advice about whether or not to make contact the the woman who had an affair with my husband. Most problem pages/self help books seem to suggest this is a bad idea and that blame should fall to husband. Believe me when I say I am not clearing my husband of blame. However most seem to come from the assumption the the betrayed partner has the following reasons for getting in touch or meeting
A) A morbid curiosity to find out what they look like/more about them
B) Do something rash/revenge
C) 'Telling off'
D) Find information to clarify facts

A & B do not really apply to me - I had previously, briefly met the woman and it's not in my nature to be rash (in fact it's been around 2 years since I found out about the affair).
As for reason C- I won't pretend part of me wants to 'lay in to her' but again I'm above swearing/name calling. I'm usually a very non-confrontational person so I feel it maybe useful to call someone out on behaviour which they ultimately knew was wrong and hurtful (also to give some context I was pregnant with a second child, she too was married with two young kids--and yes again I'm aware my husband acted like a pig).
As for D - clarifying facts - yes I know she may not tell me anything, and if I ask her she has a gains a certain power - but frankly I don't know if I care. If I start from the place that I don't trust my husband (experience has taught me this) but maybe any evidence such as confirming the last day they slept together would he useful? She's the only other person that can do this.

Finally there's a last reason I would want to get in touch which never seemed to be mentioned in the books/online advice; to simply ask her to consider what she has done and to ask her not to shatter other relationships in future. That the next time she feels like cheating she chooses a single guy to do this with.
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

You cannot see the wood for the trees here.

If you weren't trying to push water uphill in a relationship where you've been betrayed then you wouldn't be so upset like this. She is just one random woman that crossed paths with your cheating lying husband. There could be another.

If you take a stand for yourself, you'll stop giving her a second thought. Put yourself first here. Don't give up your one and only life to

1. over thinking
2. insecurity
3. staying in a marriage that forces you to confront 2 on a daily basis
4. undervaluing yourself

What if she tells you he chased her and complimented her so eventually she thought why not?
To her it was just sex. Then he asked her to leave her husband for him. He’d planned it all out, he was going to leave whilst you were at work. She called it off. He told her she was the love of his life. She loves her husband and that’s that.

I really don’t get the posters who claim that in an affair between a married man and a married woman it is entirely the mans fault.
As a married woman I would expect to be blamed for my part in an affair. In a world where we expect total sexual equality how can you only blame the man.
When a woman makes a move on your husband it is a two way relationship particularly if she is married. Whoever drives the relationship forward is reliant on the other being complysant.
It’s very easy to sit behind a screen and chant the mantra but for anyone who has been cheated on there will always be a small part of you that seeks revenge.
Ops OW obviously had no intention of leaving her husband, and your ultimate revenge is actually holding the card that could destroy her marriage. She knows that if she comes anywhere near your DH you’ll drop her in it. Take comfort from this, it means she is far more invested in her relationship with her DH than with your DH.

Agree the op is still fantasising and this woman is not going to say anything to make her feel better.

What about this

“Oh it’s you, how the hell can you stay with someone who literally relentless pursues women like he did me, lies to them like he did me, I was just one on a long list, how fucking pathetic and desperate do you have to be to be Clinging on like you are. Yes I made a stupid mistake going with him, as did you, but at least I’m not stupid enough to stay with him now I know. Even though he’s been begging and still is. Have you contacted the others ? Stay away from me you weirdo”

So many response she could give that are going to shatter you op. The only thing you can bet on is if she does respond it’s not going to be good.

I really don’t get the posters who claim that in an affair between a married man and a married woman it is entirely the mans fault

Literally not one person said that, I think you’ve got confused.

To be fair if the OW had wanted to end her marriage and be with the ops husband she probably would have done.
If the op can’t trust her husbands version of events then why should she trust the OWs? Although I doubt if the OW would entertain the op. Also how will you contact her op? How will you get her number?

In a world where we expect total sexual equality how can you only blame the man.

We're not blaming him because he's a man, we're blaming him because he's the one who made a commitment to OP and is therefore solely responsible for it. If you had an affair while married, we would blame you for the same reason.

A commitment is on the head of the person who made it. You cannot expect the world at large to be the guardian of your relationship. You cannot expect outsiders to treat your marriage with more respect than your spouse does. Ultimately it makes no difference what every other person in the world does or would do. Your partner controls whether they stay faithful.

I’m very sorry for what you've been through. How horrible. I cannot believe what your husband did to you and I commend you for getting through this.

I have a few thoughts on this ...

1. I don’t think a written message or text is a good idea AT ALL. It’s too easy to misinterpret and even dismiss. It can also be shocking and even inappropriate to receive. Maintain your dignity and the upper hand by showing you are strong enough to look her in the eye. Yes, most of the blame rests with your husband but let’s face it, having an affair with a married man is not an innocent act (unless the person has no idea the other is married).

1. Finally there's a last reason I would want to get in touch which never seemed to be mentioned in the books/online advice; to simply ask her to consider what she has done and to ask her not to shatter other relationships in future. That the next time she feels like cheating she chooses a single guy to do this with

This is the reason I would be most tempted to contact her if I were you. Bear in mind, it could be oh so painful ... but you have said two years have passed.

A friend of mine had an affair with a married man and she convinced herself that her affair wasn’t the reason they split up and she painted herself as a victim in the whole thing! I never once remember her expressing regret or sorrow towards his wife. Who knows. Maybe she greatly regrets it. Maybe she’ll apologise. But if I were you the above would be my motivation too.

@Angrymum22

I really don’t get the posters who claim that in an affair between a married man and a married woman it is entirely the mans fault. As a married woman I would expect to be blamed for my part in an affair. In a world where we expect total sexual equality how can you only blame the man. When a woman makes a move on your husband it is a two way relationship particularly if she is married. Whoever drives the relationship forward is reliant on the other being complysant. It’s very easy to sit behind a screen and chant the mantra but for anyone who has been cheated on there will always be a small part of you that seeks revenge. Ops OW obviously had no intention of leaving her husband, and your ultimate revenge is actually holding the card that could destroy her marriage. She knows that if she comes anywhere near your DH you’ll drop her in it. Take comfort from this, it means she is far more invested in her relationship with her DH than with your DH.

You are just making this all up about what her intentions were etc

Finally there's a last reason I would want to get in touch which never seemed to be mentioned in the books/online advice; to simply ask her to consider what she has done and to ask her not to shatter other relationships in future. That the next time she feels like cheating she chooses a single guy to do this with

Did you give the same advice to your husband?

A friend of mine had an affair with a married man and she convinced herself that her affair wasn’t the reason they split up

The affair, which was his more than hers given he was the committed one, probably wasn't the reason they split up. If he didn't leave his wife for her, it was more likely a symptom than a cause and if it hadn't been her, it would have been someone else. Bottom line: whatever the issues were, they were something only the people within the marriage could fix or change.

Don't do it.

Keep the upper hand, she will never know what's going on in your head. Be like the swan, graceful on the surface even though you may be flapping away like mad under water.

You don't really know what her character is like and personally I couldn't stand to think that the OW knows she's got one over on me enough to make me contact her and express my feelings.

Stay classy babes

How do you think the other woman would respond? I doubt she'll respond in the way you're anticipating, or even if she'd respond.

@northbacchus I would actually imagine that given two years have gone past, she has children and is married the most likely outcome will be the OP being blocked immediately.

Your post implies your will get closure with this action. You won’t.

It’s unlikely you will get the last say with her. She can respond with true or false information that could leave you even more hurt and insecure.

This is also kettle of worms territory. If you kick it over then a new series of dramas could result. Her husband could get involved. All sorts of fractures and confrontations will begin again.

As a grown adult you have decided to stay with your husband and I can only respect that. But if that is truly the outcome you want then you both have to leave this woman alone and behind you.

I don't really see what you are hoping to achieve. It's two years down the line surely that should have been done if ever when it happened. I think you are struggling with with husband and this will fix something but realistically it won't. All it will do is drag up the past.

As a matter of interest do you discuss any of this with your H ? Or is this just going around and around in your head ? Like several others I do feel that you have tried but it hasn't worked . What is stopping you from moving on ? Fear ? Life isn't meant to be lived like this and I have been where you are . I gave my ExH the chance and while he complained that I wasn't moving on fast enough he then did the same thing again a few years later with the same woman . I am now in a new life with a new honest H and I regret the time I spent trying to make it work. The woman is not to blame - your H is the one you need to be talking to or rather NOT.

I understand why you would want to contact her OP, however I think it will do more harm than good.

Whatever she says happened will no doubt differ from your husband’s account, even just from a different perspective & memory. You will then confront him, he will say that she’s lying, you’ll then want to clarify with OW again. It will turn into a vicious cycle of more pain & agony for you.

You need to focus on moving forward, if you are staying with him you need to find a way of making your marriage work for you. This will eat you up otherwise.

Your husband is the person who betrayed you. He is the one who is in a relationship with you and a grown adult who makes his own decisions. No one is 'forced' into having an affair.

The 'other woman' does not owe you anything...I am not condoning at all anyone seeing a married man but I don't quite see what talking to her would achieve.

If you are still struggling with what happened but have so far decided to stay with him, maybe it is time to ask yourself if you would not be better off without him and get your dignity back.

Absolutely not. I understand the desire to contact her I really do but you will look deranged. Considering you remain with your husband you already look weak/foolish to many people, this will do you no favours if people find out. She won't care. All she will be concerned about is her own family. Two years on what do you really hope to gain from this?

You need to take your focus off her and put it on to building up your self esteem, finding your dignity (contacting her is the most undignified thing you could do right now) and building the strength to do what you actually should be doing right now - which is leaving your toerag husband.

Don't allow them to cause you further embarrassment OP.

If he didn't leave his wife for her, it was more likely a symptom than a cause and if it hadn't been her, it would have been someone else

He did leave his wife for her (but she then rejected him) so it was very much the reason they split, so their affair caused his wife and kids a lot of pain..., but I see what you’re saying in OP’s case, since you are still with your DH OP, it’s different.

I still think you are allowed to talk to people and be open OP without losing the upper hand or any of that perceived power play. All the rules and smoke and mirrors are ridiculous IMHO! You can be dignified and graceful and still express your feelings and how it still affects you two years later.

I’m amazed your DH and you have stayed together through this and I suppose it shows how strong your marriage really is. Would you tell your DH you were going to contact her?

I really don’t think it means you’ve lost the upper hand etc. I think it just shows you’re not game-playing & are choosing to be brave and upfront. Just my opinion. Everyone is different.

Whilst your still with your cheating husband your reliving this everyday. Stop kidding yourself your still going round in a circle of thoughts punishing yourself. Two years down the line its clearly consuming you. I think councelling might be a way forward.

Also speaking to her is about YOU, not her! Who cares what she thinks. It’s not to get information or her perspective on the affair surely. It’s for you to say what YOU need to say.

Don't do it OP as you'll no doubt find out a lot more hurtful things than you already know, as your DH has most likely minimised what happened. For example:-

1. He's only staying with you because of the kids
2. He's never been satisfied with your sex life
3. He continued to pursue me 'after' the affair
4. He still contacts me now
5. He had another affair
6. I slept in your bed

All the reasons you are staying with him are the reasons he's staying with you. You probably have a seemingly perfect life to outsiders; nice home, happy kids, good friends, nice holidays etc. You obviously don't trust him so why stay?

No good can come of it, but you already know that. Your level of resentment is understandable but seems like counselling hasn't helped you progress much. Maybe you should LTB as the trust is clearly gone. Good luck