Should I contact the other Woman

[Summeronmymind5]

Hi all I've never posted a dilemma before and I am desperately seeking others advice about whether or not to make contact the the woman who had an affair with my husband. Most problem pages/self help books seem to suggest this is a bad idea and that blame should fall to husband. Believe me when I say I am not clearing my husband of blame. However most seem to come from the assumption the the betrayed partner has the following reasons for getting in touch or meeting
A) A morbid curiosity to find out what they look like/more about them
B) Do something rash/revenge
C) 'Telling off'
D) Find information to clarify facts

A & B do not really apply to me - I had previously, briefly met the woman and it's not in my nature to be rash (in fact it's been around 2 years since I found out about the affair).
As for reason C- I won't pretend part of me wants to 'lay in to her' but again I'm above swearing/name calling. I'm usually a very non-confrontational person so I feel it maybe useful to call someone out on behaviour which they ultimately knew was wrong and hurtful (also to give some context I was pregnant with a second child, she too was married with two young kids--and yes again I'm aware my husband acted like a pig).
As for D - clarifying facts - yes I know she may not tell me anything, and if I ask her she has a gains a certain power - but frankly I don't know if I care. If I start from the place that I don't trust my husband (experience has taught me this) but maybe any evidence such as confirming the last day they slept together would he useful? She's the only other person that can do this.

Finally there's a last reason I would want to get in touch which never seemed to be mentioned in the books/online advice; to simply ask her to consider what she has done and to ask her not to shatter other relationships in future. That the next time she feels like cheating she chooses a single guy to do this with.
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

@blindinglyobviouslight

No-one has the right to decide what the husband wants or has a right to know. Only he knows that - you have no right to presume it.

I can tell you for a fact that when I was married if you had come along to tell me about a two years dead affair , I would be bloody furious with you for having the arrogance to think you could come along and fuck with my life my kids and then just piss off to satisfy your own spite dressed up as righteousness? Nah.

I think that's how I'd feel too. I'd possibly be angrier at my family being weaponised than at my husband for having an affair. As before, affairs are obviously wrong but they aren't usually done for spite.

I really wouldn't tell her DH, no good can come from it. It's between the two of them. It would different if he was a family member or a close friend, but it sounds as if you don't know him at all.

@blindinglyobviouslight

No-one has the right to decide what the husband wants or has a right to know. Only he knows that - you have no right to presume it.

I can tell you for a fact that when I was married if you had come along to tell me about a two years dead affair , I would be bloody furious with you for having the arrogance to think you could come along and fuck with my life my kids and then just piss off to satisfy your own spite dressed up as righteousness? Nah.

That's how I feel about it too. Grim behaviour and there's no excuse whatever. It wouldn't be coming from a place of 'right to know', it's pure vengeance and OP, if you did this to me, you would certainly understand and be on the receiving end of my fury.

I actually don't think the OP is seriously considering telling the DH, she just said that she's been tempted to do so, which is understandable, but knows it would be wrong. It's mainly other PPs telling her to do so, no doubt because they forget that it's real life and not a soap opera.

I did contact the OW at the time to ask a few questions and got a whole lot of insight. She thought we slept in seperate beds.....which made me howl with laughter that someone would actually believe that BS but I also got more than I bargined for when she revealed she'd been to my home for the evening, so be careful OP some things cannot be unsaid or unread. If you do, you need to be prepared it might not be helpful at all.

OP haven't read full thread but have read your posts.

Many, many years ago my then fiance was unfaithful and I ended up speaking to the exOW on his phone, more by accident than anything else if I remember rightly - it was NYE and we were both a bit tipsy, we were both very civil to each other and she told me a whole lot of things which I hadn't been aware of which completely changed how I saw the situation. She told me things he had said about me, betraying confidences and trust (she knew things about me she shouldn't have). It made me realise that he really didn't love me but it then also made me realise I really didn't love him and we were getting married for all the wrong reasons. It was really clarifying. As soon as the call ended I split up with exfiance, no arguments, nothing really, I just felt really clear that it was over and we could all be civil, and I was better off without him. He was not happy. But he got together with someone else quite quickly after we split up. It reinforced my belief that infidelity is basically dishonesty and disloyalty.

I wouldn't tell the OW's partner here unless you know him really well.

The OW has no obligation to you, whereas you have a contract with your husband. So therefore contacting the OW is extremely pointless.

@usualreaderonly

I did contact the OW at the time to ask a few questions and got a whole lot of insight. She thought we slept in seperate beds.....which made me howl with laughter that someone would actually believe that BS but I also got more than I bargined for when she revealed she'd been to my home for the evening, so be careful OP some things cannot be unsaid or unread. If you do, you need to be prepared it might not be helpful at all.

It’s believable we can all be gullible when we like somebody... the OW probably thought the same about you when she as sat in your home

Just going back to my post above, I still remember how my exfiance was at the time I was on the phone, going from room to room almost hopping with anxiety about what we were saying to each other. It makes me laugh now. The OW has no obligation to you that is completely true but in my case whatever her motivation, what she told me was extremely, extremely helpful to me too. I might have married the man if I hadn't spoken to her, and he would most certainly have gone on to have more affairs, before and after we had had dc.

@Mittens030869

I actually don't think the OP is seriously considering telling the DH, she just said that she's been tempted to do so, which is understandable, but knows it would be wrong. It's mainly other PPs telling her to do so, no doubt because they forget that it's real life and not a soap opera.

I don’t think it’s that but if OP is still bothered 2 years on and she feels the need to contact the OW she should do it because it’s clearly on her mind.

I don’t think it’s that but if OP is still bothered 2 years on and she feels the need to contact the OW she should do it because it’s clearly on her mind.

What could OW say that would give OP peace? And how likely is she to say it? What is she likely to say and what effect will that have? How will any of it heal her marriage and make her husband more trustworthy?

@Maldivesdream again, the OW is not obligated to put the OP’s mind at ease, she doesn’t owe her anything. The OP has a legal contract in the form of marriage with her husband, not the OW.

I have to laugh at the three posters who'd ratheer not know their spouse had had an affair which they'd suspected and asked them about (thats what op knows) and were lied to about ....

Well, here's a startling thought, maybe not everyone is like you!!!

Maybe some people would like to know if their spouse has betrayed them, deceived them etc.

Maybe the fact he was questioning her maybe he would fkg like to know. Maybe he'd rather have all the information to make his decisions about his life. Maybe he'd rather not be a cuckold. Must men don't take being cheated on lying down - many more of them, in my experience and observation, simply will not countenance infidelity. Whether that's because they're less likely to be financially dependant and a sahp or not, I dont know. Their are other evolutionary factors there too iein a primitive situation a woman with a cheating husband knows who gathered her kids and may choose to reconcile herself to the potential of sharing his resources with other women and children (esp if he had good resources), a man will rarely reconcile himself to providing resources for a child fathered by another man surreptitiously/deceptively.

As for two years .. affairs and proof of affairs and processing of affairs takes time Often a lot longer than two years, who gives a fk. It's not a long time and it still stands.

You may wish to remain in not so blissful ignorance; others may not.

@bluemooninmyeyes1 you are not legally required to put your spouse's mind at ease pursuant to the marital contract or anything else. The benefit of talking to the OW can be get more information not for them to put your mind at ease, and whether obliged to or not some OW will be prepared to give more info.

Giving someone the opportunity to know the truth is not vengeance - that information being provided is a consequence of the cheating spouse's decisions and actions. Noone else's; it could always be discovered by one means or another. Betrayed spouses bear the consequences of their cheater's actions; that's inevitable .. what they choose to do as a result is up to them.

As for destroying families - blah blah blah; the family is based on deception. And the betrayed spouses can be a family on their own or eventually a blended family with a new partner .. their relationship is with their children, not with the spouse who threw the rule book away and did what they liked while letting them naively continue sticking to the rules.

@ididthatonce but as a result of the marrriage the OP’s husband is obliged to be faithful, if not then the OP can terminate the marital contract. In this situation, the OW may decide to give some insight into the affair but also may not. She doesn’t even have to answer the phone. It could also go the other way where she may take great delight in knowing the OP is distressed and therefore make the situation worse for the OP. If the aim is to put the OP’s mind at ease, contacting the is OW is a complete gamble.

I wouldn't contact her, only because she could potentially go to the police and accuse you of harassing her. She's the kind of woman who has sex with a married man who's wife is heavily pregnant, so I wouldn't expect her opt be receptive to 'advice' or admonishment or give a damn about your side or your feelings. She may well relish the opportunity to twist the knife.

I would tell the husband by sending him all the evidence you have, and leave them to it.

I'd also be sorting my life out/ getting my ducks in a row, such that I was independently financially secure with savings and able to waltz out of the marriage with everything I possibly could and leave the snivelling cheating lying husband.

But that's me, I wouldn't be able to get past the cheating.

Well, here's a startling thought, maybe not everyone is like you!!!

Gosh, such insight. Yes, I think we realise that. But if the discussion is whether or not to tell, it's relevant that some people would rather not have their families weaponised for someone else's misplaced sense of vengeance (and that's exactly what it is). And if you choose to light touch paper in someone else's life, you ought to be aware of the risk that you won't be thanked for your righteous altruism.

With the affair two years dead and the family at least as secure as OP's, it absolutely would be for vengeance. And as that's based on spite, in the knowledge, the hope even, that it could affect kids. Affairs are wrong and dishonourable but they aren't usually done with the intention of causing pain.

You would want to be told, I wouldn't, and it's not up to an effective stranger to make the irreversible decision for someone. Stick to your own life.

To add: I especially wouldn't want to be told by a partner who has decided to stay with their spouse but clearly hopes that I would exact the consequences they (understandably) don't want affecting their own family. That's pretty much proof that it's not based on justice because if it were, you'd leave us as you left yourself.

It's not for us to appoint ourselves the moral arbiters of justice in other people's lives, especially with kids involved.

Well, here's a startling thought, maybe not everyone is like you!!!

Its hard to know what to say to someone who is so clearly misinterpreting (I'm being generous, I mean ignoring), what those who disagree with them are saying.

My entire point, as I made explicitly clear, was that you cannot know what the husband wants to know. And its not your job to presume or impose your values onto him. He made a decision to stay in a marriage when he had suspicions of unfaithfulness and that is his choice. Its not for you to decide what further he wants to know.

As for destroying families - blah blah blah; the family is based on deception. And the betrayed spouses can be a family on their own or eventually a blended family with a new partner .. their relationship is with their children, not with the spouse

I don't respect the deliberate refusal to acknowledge the impact on the children - as if children live within a household with two entirely separate relationships with each parent, and do not experience a relationship as a whole family, or as if blended families are not very difficult for many children - in an attempt to shore up your position. Its not worthy of respect.

Would you really rather not your suspicions be confirmed Sheba?

I've read many many threads on here where the wife is convinced something is going on but her H gaslights and lies so much she feels like she is going crazy.

Usually it's a relief to have the suspicions confirmed.

I'd not see myself as the one meting out justice/punishment or anything.
The only person responsible for the fall out of cheating are the cheaters. The resulting collapse or not of their marriage, the shift in the relationship is their responsibility and theirs only as a direct consequence of their own actions.

I wouldn't keep it to myself. But I'd want to know.

Would you really rather not your suspicions be confirmed
What, after two years! Certainly not.

I've read many many threads on here where the wife is convinced something is going on but her H gaslights and lies so much she feels like she is going crazy
Those are current events. If I knew a wife was going crazy wanting to know if her husband was currently shagging around, I would of course tell her.
If it was two years ago and I have no knowledge to tell me that everyone hasn't just moved on with their lives, certainly wouldn't be bombshelling anyone with past and done with events.

The only person responsible for the fall out of cheating are the cheaters
Sorry, if you are dragging up old history you have to accept your part in the responsibility for the fall out.

I am fortunate not to have been in this position so I'm trying to imagine how I would feel about it. As far as I can imagine, I really, honestly, truly would not want the husband of my husband's affair partner to tell me about the affair two years after it ended, and while he had decided to stay with his wife. There is nothing he could say that would convince me it wasn't based on vengeance which should be directed at his spouse and marriage and not mine, and a decision to weaponise me and my daughter, and our happiness, in that vengeance. Depending on the circumstances of my husband's affair, I might even be angrier with the teller because he has deliberately caused hurt to us to spite someone else, who shouldn't be the target of his ire anyway. Affairs don't usually have that thought process behind them.

I do actually realise that not everyone feels that way, but given you (generic you, not you or anyone else personally) don't know who does and who doesn't, it's not your place to make irreversible decisions for someone else and their kids. I might feel differently if you are very close to them. In this instance, absolutely not. And if you tried to gain morality points for it by pretending you were doing it for my own good, I'd hit the roof.

Telling the husband isn't a direct consequence of the cheater's actions, it's a direct consequence of you choosing to become an active agent in their lives. As a PP said, it's no more acceptable a thought process than whatever lines the cheater spun to justify their own desire for satisfaction at whatever cost to others.

If the husband was someone the OP was close to, and was regularly in the position of having to see him and pretend that there's nothing to know, then IMO it would be right to tell him. But she hardly knows him so for that reason it wouldn't be appropriate.

Also, the OP can't know whether in the meantime the OW has now told her DH the truth and they've now moved on with their lives.

@Baws

So sorry for what you have had to endure.

Your experience may explain why counselling is not usually recommended where there is abuse.