Should I contact the other Woman

[Summeronmymind5]

Hi all I've never posted a dilemma before and I am desperately seeking others advice about whether or not to make contact the the woman who had an affair with my husband. Most problem pages/self help books seem to suggest this is a bad idea and that blame should fall to husband. Believe me when I say I am not clearing my husband of blame. However most seem to come from the assumption the the betrayed partner has the following reasons for getting in touch or meeting
A) A morbid curiosity to find out what they look like/more about them
B) Do something rash/revenge
C) 'Telling off'
D) Find information to clarify facts

A & B do not really apply to me - I had previously, briefly met the woman and it's not in my nature to be rash (in fact it's been around 2 years since I found out about the affair).
As for reason C- I won't pretend part of me wants to 'lay in to her' but again I'm above swearing/name calling. I'm usually a very non-confrontational person so I feel it maybe useful to call someone out on behaviour which they ultimately knew was wrong and hurtful (also to give some context I was pregnant with a second child, she too was married with two young kids--and yes again I'm aware my husband acted like a pig).
As for D - clarifying facts - yes I know she may not tell me anything, and if I ask her she has a gains a certain power - but frankly I don't know if I care. If I start from the place that I don't trust my husband (experience has taught me this) but maybe any evidence such as confirming the last day they slept together would he useful? She's the only other person that can do this.

Finally there's a last reason I would want to get in touch which never seemed to be mentioned in the books/online advice; to simply ask her to consider what she has done and to ask her not to shatter other relationships in future. That the next time she feels like cheating she chooses a single guy to do this with.
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

Hi op, hope your doing ok.

Did you come to a decision?

Hi @onthedunes - apologies for not getting back to your question sooner. I have thought and it I think I shall probably not contact her. As upset and angry that I feel toward her I reached the conclusion that establishing 'the facts' makes little odds. What was really helpful was thinking about the possibility of doing this - one poster suggested doing this in a very businesslike, detached manner that helped me think about the lack of influence she has over me, knowing that if I did do it at this point I would not emotional wreck somehow is important. We live in a relatively small town so it was reassuring to me to think that if our paths did cross accidently, I could now causally acknowledge her and what she did without feeling like I was being somehow ambushed by someone I would have loathed to have met. Knowing the facts seem less important when I think about the progress my husband and I have made, again I can see if where looking in I would be saying 'get out' but I do need to try and think of the 16 past years of relative harmony and the 2 years since that my husband has tried to make things right, I will never trust him like I once did but I do trust that he knows the massive mistake he made, that he deeply regrets ever going near this women, that although there was a 'perfect storm' of work enforced closeness, emotional needs/stresses he's assamed that he was ever attracted to her (they did not share many values, tastes etc) and he is truly sorry for the pain and change this has brought to our relationship. We do need to move forward and I'll accept I'm at times, stuck in the past with my grief of what could have been and my shear hurt. When I look to the future I see we're not quite as carefree but we are still together, conscious of trying to mend and protect something lovely that was broken. Ultimately the OW has little to do with this process.

I think you did the right thing - I’m in almost an identical situation- year and a half on from discovery dh cheated with a girl at work when I was pregnant / had a new baby. Still struggling with it all but feel same as you re dh.

I however did confront OW at the time (although it was 3 years post affair I found out). It didn’t help even with a fairly “perfect conversation”. Yes I got to “tell her off”, she came across as a terrible person and she gave me the “reassurance” that he never said he didn’t love me or would leave and it was just a thrill / physical thing. Still didn’t help.

As you say - it wasn’t ever even really about her - or probably you and him - it was his issues.

I really hope you (and I) get through it and find happiness with or without him x

Hi Op, don't apologise, I hope your doing ok.

Also don't apologise for the way you feel and how best you want to proceed .
It is your life.

Also if things change, as change always does, don't feel you have to be fixed on a certain path. You are perfectly entitled to change your mind and view on this subject.

I hope you can find piece of mind whichever way you decide to move forward, I know it's very hard and takes time.

Hand hold for the future

@Summeronmymind5 I have sent you a PM. X

Whether you tell he husband or not is up to you. However, it must be tempting to contact her as she will probably worry you may tell him!

@GilbertMarkham
I have to say I totally agree with your views.

The Op has 2 years of internal hell.
There is no justice in this post whatsoever

I had a confrontation with my Ex husband’s final OW. It was hideous - she taunted me and made me feel like shit. Obviously she believed what she had heard from him at the time - that I was a shit person who had basically made him do it....

I have no bitterness towards either of them now - it was years ago and we have all moved on (they are still together, as it goes. I get on well with him now - she still broadly hates me). But at the time it was an epic way to torment myself. Honestly would not recommend it.