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Original poster

DH using porn - feeling crushed

181 replies

IMustardMitt · 30/10/2020 14:39

Last week I found my husband had been watching videos on Pornhub. He forgot to close the browser window, so when I opened up our shared iPad in the morning, I could see what he’d been doing.

It made me feel so ugly, dirty, debased and inadequate in every way.

I told him I knew and he was very sorry, very contrite. He immediately set up some sort of filter on our WiFi so those sorts of sites can’t be accessed. I think he really is sorry.

I just can’t explain the damage it has done. I don’t trust him any more. I don’t want to have sex with him because I think his head’s full of those images of other people.

We did have sex a couple of nights ago and I kept on wondering what he was thinking. Was he comparing me to the women in the videos. He was unable to climax, and claimed it was because he’d “shut down” so that I would definitely get there, but now I think he can’t climax without the porn images. Thinking about it, he often likes to look at himself going in and out of me - and frequently has needed to get into a position where he can see what’s going on in order to climax. I can’t help thinking it’s the porn. Or is that normal?

So whilst he denies it has any effect on the way he sees me or on our sex life, I’m now questioning everything about him.

Is there a way through this? It feels like he’s broken our marriage.

OP posts:
Halliehallie9828 · 30/10/2020 14:43

I think the looking part during sex is very normal. Iv had partners do it several times. It’s visual stimulation.

Did he know your feelings regarding porn?

Fressia123 · 30/10/2020 14:44

Have ever actually watched porn? Most people I know know that it's completely unrealistic. It's like saying that you fancy the guys of Magic Mike or whatever. IMO it's usually just eye candy or entertainment. If it becomes a habit sure, but as far as I can tell until you found out you had complaints in the bedroom.

howimetyourmother · 30/10/2020 14:44

This seems to be more about how you feel about yourself rather than your partner watching porn. Did he know before you got together how you felt about porn? I have no problem with porn, I use it on my own or with my partner.

RunningFromInsanity · 30/10/2020 14:47

I personally think you are overreacting but to some people porn is a deal breaker.

Him looking during sex is normal, sounds like you have a healthy sex life so porn isn’t really causing a problem for him.
Just depends how (and why) you feel so strongly against it.

Breaking up a marriage because a guy is watching porn is ludicrous to me.

DisgruntledPelican · 30/10/2020 14:49

How long have you been together? Is this the first time this has ever come up?

Bearplumapple · 30/10/2020 14:50

You are completely entitled to feel how you do about porn. Everyone is allowed their boundaries. It sounds like he has overstepped a boundary here. Was he aware of how you felt? What you need to think about is if you can come back from this? If so how? What needs to happen to make it OK?

It doesn't matter if other use porn or are happy with it. You're not and that's fine.

Shoxfordian · 30/10/2020 14:54

I think you're overreacting as well
Watching porn isn't cheating

MostDisputesDieAndNoOneShoots · 30/10/2020 14:57

Your feelings about porn are yours to have, you’re completely entitled to not like it or not want it in your life. But in my opinion, you don’t have the right to impose that same belief system on another adult, even if that adult is your spouse.

As previous posters have said, this seems to be more about how you feel about yourself and your own confidence. I think you need to sit and have an adult conversation about this with your husband.

MandB23 · 30/10/2020 15:01

I'm in the middle.

I don't feel comfortable with the idea of my OH using porn, but i don't really think about it so it isn't an issue. I'd also be a bit of a biff if I ever said I wasn't happy about it because I look at it at times.

I understand how you feel, but those feelings are about you and how you feel about you. It sounds like he was very lovely about it and that your relationship is fine other than this?

How old are you and how long have you been together?

I don't think it sounds like you should end your marriage. It sounds otherwise happy and healthy?

If you've never expressed your issues previously then he hasn't really done anything wrong. You can now hope that he doesn't use it again as you seem to want - but i think that would be a harsh expectation of him. That's up to you though. It's your relationship so the boundaries you have should work for both of you - nobody else.

SodaPerson · 30/10/2020 15:01

Every single man watches porn.

The only ones that "don't", are the ones who haven't been caught yet.

I'm not even joking.

trevthecat · 30/10/2020 15:06

I don't have a problem with porn because it isn't real! It's unrealistic and not what most men would pick, given the chance. I think looking during sex is Normal. As pp said, I think this is about your self confidence rather than him.

RuffleCrow · 30/10/2020 15:13

If it's a dealbreaker for you, be true to your convictions. It's ok to end a relationship for any reason. You didn't sign your entire life away when you hooked up with him. I think the residual mindset from the relatively recent past where women had to put up and shut up because men owned them, is very much still with us. In our own heads as much as those of the men who hang about on these boards telling women they're being ridiculous for feeling hurt or betrayed.

ReneeRol · 30/10/2020 15:14

It's normal to watch porn. Your reaction was like a mother catching her kid watching it. Now you're someone who acts as a guilt tripping, overbearing mother to him, that's not a sexy image when you're having sex with someone.

ZolaGrey · 30/10/2020 15:15

To me, you're massively overreacting.

And yes, the watching himself going in and out of you is pretty standard, sex isn't about staring into each other's eyes all the time.

RuffleCrow · 30/10/2020 15:16

When people say "porn isn't real" is it because they're big fans of hentai or some other horrible cartoon nastiness? Otherwise what you're watching is real people having sex, and an alarmingly large number are women being physically hurt, or children whose lives are really being destroyed.

BuffayTheVampireLayer · 30/10/2020 15:19

Men are visual, they like to look during sex, as do some women.

I think you are overreacting about the actual porn.

flossletsfloss · 30/10/2020 15:20

You are entitled to feel the way you feel and you need to deal with it together. Do I agree with you? No. I think you're over reacting. It's nothing to do with how he feels about you. Porn addiction is not the same as ad hoc porn. I think you need to lighten up. But that's my opinion and you really shouldn't care. Best of luck with sorting it out. I hope you do.

Todaywewilldobetter · 30/10/2020 15:22

If you feel that way, you feel that way but good luck finding someone who never looks at porn! It's pretty standard and not about you at all, in most cases.

Elsiebear90 · 30/10/2020 15:25

I think you’re massively overreacting and it is coming from a place of insecurity rather than a moral/ethical etc objection to porn.

YouShouldLeave · 30/10/2020 15:31

YANBU.

I’m sorry you are dealing with this.
Sad reality is that porn has been normalize to this extant.

Now you have to choose if you want to be with something like him.
His not gonna stop (just learn to hide it better).

You are aloud to have boundaries.
I would never want to be with someone who watches that garbage.

TruckinRight · 30/10/2020 15:33

You can make porn a deal breaker if you want.

I would.

Original poster
IMustardMitt · 30/10/2020 15:34

We’ve been married for twenty years, and he did know how I felt about it before.

I’m not saying I’d end the marriage over it, but it’s tarnished my view of our otherwise very happy life. I don’t know why it’s made me feel the way it has, but it has. I feel shocked and tearful all the time.

It’s lessened him in my eyes as I know he would say it is exploitative and degrading to the people involved, but it’s obviously too much of a temptation for him to withstand. I think of him as a person with great integrity and that is one of the things I love about him. Now that’s diminished.

Do you think that the images people see when they watch porn aren’t anywhere in their minds when they’re with their partner? I feel like somewhere in his mind he’s re-enacting with me what he’s seen on screen.

OP posts:
Cheeseandwin5 · 30/10/2020 15:39

I think you are over reacting and to be honest acting quite terribly to your DH.
I have no doubt that you will have seen a handsome fellow or celebrity.
Would your DH be within his rights to think you were fantasying about him when you had sex and demand you never watched tv again.
The thing about porn it is a visual release for men, Yes it is degrading to the majority of women involved but I don't think porn watchers make the connection and see porn for what it is and not the ramifications.
It is the same with jewelry- Some may want the lovely diamond ring or necklace, but do you know what abuses occurred to get that diamond. Do ppl even care or do they just see the product?
Would ppl screaming about porn and those who watch it , accept the same argument for diamonds and gold etc and those ppl who wear them?

ZZGirl · 30/10/2020 15:43

My DH uses it for "solo" purposes. I don't have an issue with it. We've been together since we were 15 (we're now 30) so I've always known. He doesn't do it when I'm home, he finds that weird. It's a visual thing, I know he's not lusting after those scenarios etc...

yetmorecrap · 30/10/2020 15:46

I know exactly how you feel OP, 20 years plus you think you know someone very well- I too have. dH who I always felt had a lot of integrity, didn’t lie, a bit ‘right on’ and intelligent — his ‘I have watched it occassionally’ Turned out with a bit of digging from me to be around 5 times a week the minute I was out the door- we are still together and I do care about him but it’s certainly lessened him in many ways in my eyes and I no longer take what he says as gospel.