DH using porn - feeling crushed

[IMustardMitt]

Last week I found my husband had been watching videos on Pornhub. He forgot to close the browser window, so when I opened up our shared iPad in the morning, I could see what he’d been doing.

It made me feel so ugly, dirty, debased and inadequate in every way.

I told him I knew and he was very sorry, very contrite. He immediately set up some sort of filter on our WiFi so those sorts of sites can’t be accessed. I think he really is sorry.

I just can’t explain the damage it has done. I don’t trust him any more. I don’t want to have sex with him because I think his head’s full of those images of other people.

We did have sex a couple of nights ago and I kept on wondering what he was thinking. Was he comparing me to the women in the videos. He was unable to climax, and claimed it was because he’d “shut down” so that I would definitely get there, but now I think he can’t climax without the porn images. Thinking about it, he often likes to look at himself going in and out of me - and frequently has needed to get into a position where he can see what’s going on in order to climax. I can’t help thinking it’s the porn. Or is that normal?

So whilst he denies it has any effect on the way he sees me or on our sex life, I’m now questioning everything about him.

Is there a way through this? It feels like he’s broken our marriage.

He has probably been looking at porn ever since you have known him, first magazines then the more accessible online stuff. You have been married 20 years. He is still the same person. The majority of men look at porn, and a lot of women too. You are over reacting, life isn't like Cinderella, and you are coming across as childish. I don't think the poor guy should be contrite at all.

Also IME men who watch porn are shit in bed. His being unable to climax is because of his wanker's death grip and his inability to actually have sex properly without his visual props. It is NOTHING to do with you.

I agree with you OP, I would and did feel the same with my Ex. When people look at how a lot (not all I know, I know) of people in the sex industry are used and abused to make porn, it is sickening.

Just because people are now being conditioned to think it is acceptable, doesnt make it so. It is the cause of a lot of relationships failing since its increase

I'd feel the same way. I know some say all men do it, I disagree. They don't. Porn is an abusive industry.

I wouldn't want to be with someone who goes to strip clubs, either.

If porn is ok, then where is the line? Strippers? Private dances? Presumably prostitutes is not ok.

I caught my OH in the act last month for the first time ever (double figures relationship). You should have seen the absolute horror on his face, the embarrassment for him made worse by the fact that I started laughing and "apologised" for catching him at such an inopportune time 😂

I think watching porn is a personal choice and not necessarily wrong in and of itself. It's not something I've ever really got into, what I've seen has frankly been a huge turn off. I have asked him where he gets it from though as I'd be a lot more comfortable if he was paying for it from a reputable platform.

I think the problem lies more with the sh*ttiness of the industry despite its huge popularity, and I think in this day and age people should be paying for it properly, choosing carefully in order to ensure there's workers' support / no exploitation. I'm going to encourage my OH to research a bit more beyond the usual trashy/questionable websites.

Since catching him it has also been a good opportunity to discuss the role of porn for him and the impact of that on our sex life. I've made it clear I don't consider it anything akin to relationship sex and I don't want him to think of it as any sort of model, that I wouldn't be enjoying sex if he were to do that. I don't compare myself to the actresses as frankly I don't think it looks all that sexy or fun, I find there's little to be jealous of but appreciate everyone's different. Could you turn this around and use it as an opportunity to ask questions raise issues and talk through them?

On the other hand if your OH has a genuine problem linked to it then it may be worth chatting through with a sex/relationships counsellor. Or that might even be worth it just because of how bad its making you feel. There's no right answer, but there is a wrong one and that would be for him to totally dismiss your feelings. Talk to him, encourage him to open up about it and gauge from there what it means for him and tell him your worries/what you dislike about it and what you expect from healthy sex. You may be able to reach a compromise.

@flossletsfloss how would you differentiate between ad hoc and addiction?

You are totally allowed to feel however you do.
People can be quite harsh on here and you're feelings are valid. I think the thing that's tricky is your expectations of another person and knowing yourself when you might be expecting too much.
When I read how you describe your OH - he sounds like what i dream of. I can also appreciate how you feel when he has acted in a way that you wouldn't have expected and the idea of who he is, is shattered. I get that.
If you've never expressed how you would feel if he watched porn, it's hard to be angry with him. Well, no- you can feel sad about it and disappointed but I think as an adult, he's allowed to make his own choices and how far can you police that?
Do you really think there's no way forward?

I use porn when my partner is away. Never felt the need to tell him as didn't realise it was considered cheating to some.

I just think porn is a bit pathetic at best, exploitative and destructive at worst. I certainly didn’t think any better of my ex when I realised he used it. He always seemed a bit grubby to me after that, I was disappointed in him. So I get it OP. Sorry

Yanbu. Porn is harmful on many levels and you are perfectly entitled to say no.

OP just to answer one of your questions, I use porn sometimes for solo sessions. Once I’ve achieved what I needed to, I switch it off and go about the rest of my day without giving whatever I saw a second thought.

I honestly couldn’t remember/describe the specifics of who/what I watched and it could not be further from my mind when I’m having sex. It’s no substitute (for me anyway) for real, loving sex with a partner that I’m really into. I’m completely focused on them.

Porn aside - him watching penetration etc is very normal and a turn on for many people - myself and my DP included.

Op this actaully made me tear up reading what you have wrote . It's brought back so many memories and feelings for me that I try my hardest to bury day in day out . I am scarred by porn. My ex was addicted to it . He and it made my life hell . I went from a confident person to somone with no confidence hated the way I look always compared my self to people in the videos . Constantly thought how could he fancy me when I don't look nothing like them . It tore my heart out . Ten years on and I'm still damaged by it . When me and my partner of 9 years got together I told him straight away that if he wanted to be with me the only thing I ask is no porn use . He promised me and I stupidly believed him . 2 years ago I found it on the iPad aswell . Porn hub . I broke my heart . More this time because I was actually feeling like my old self again . And I trusted him . He was actually devastated by what it done to me he could see . Also I just couldn't have sex with him for ages because I had them thoughts in my head again . When we did I cried . I forgot to mention that I broke up with him when I found and and told him to leave which he did . He came back a few days later and he was so upset by it all . I think he didn't really realise how much I hated it . I have told him that I am 100 percent willing and certain that if I did find it again he would be gone for good and I wouldn't never take him back . I can't deal with it at all . It scares me that if we did end that I would never want another relationship because or porn . I hate it when women say it's only porn so what ! Youl get loads of replies on here like that but why should we be ok with our partners wanking off to other naked women ! Because it's just what men do , really ! 😴 hope your ok op x

Everyone has a right to their views either way and OP is perfectly entitled to be upset if it goes against the grain for her. These topics inevitably open up into the rights and wrongs of porn and then people project their own views on it. The issue isn't what other people would do. It's up to the OP to decide whether she can put what has happened past her. Trouble is that only the OP knows. Is it a case of understanding that people won't always come up to the standards set by others? Can we accept that partners are not perfect? If the OP had made it clear that porn was a no no then it was wrong of him because he was dishonest. He had the right to say that he was going to watch porn if he wanted to - the OP is his wife not his boss and vice versa but I do think that if he had been honest then the OP would have had an opportunity much earlier to decide if the relationship was right for her. It would certainly be advisable for this to be talked about frankly and not to let it bubble under the surface.

I totally understand. When my DP admitted to watching it during an argument it broke my hear and made me feel sick. I asked him why and he said it was to look at the girls which made me feel worse!!! Dont let others dismiss your feelings or make you feel like your over reacting. Your not at all your entitled to feel like this. Xxx

@Bearplumapple

You are completely entitled to feel how you do about porn. Everyone is allowed their boundaries. It sounds like he has overstepped a boundary here. Was he aware of how you felt? What you need to think about is if you can come back from this? If so how? What needs to happen to make it OK?

It doesn't matter if other use porn or are happy with it. You're not and that's fine.

This. You really shouldn't listen to anyone else's opinion on porn, attitudes towards it vary massively. Some people hate it, some tolerate it, some like it, some use it as a visual contribution during sex.

This is about how YOU feel about it. I feel the same as you. I don't watch porn, I don't want my partner to watch porn. I make it clear at the beginning of any new relationship that the viewing of porn is a deal breaker for me, and I stick to my boundary. It's MY boundary, I don't enforce my view on others, and if a prospective partner doesn't like my boundary he is welcome to exit stage left from my life.

Anyone here who is berating you for how you feel (ugly, betrayed etc) has no right to tell you that you're wrong to feel that way. You are being true to your own feelings and you have every right to tell your Husband how it makes you feel, that's what an honest, open relationship is about. Communication.

Also, read this article. I could never support this industry. nypost.com/2018/01/23/why-porn-stars-are-dying-at-an-alarming-rate/

Was it just boredom, curiosity etc?
You are obviously upset about it and he’s apologised and stopped watching it...
He doesn’t sound addicted to it, I’d try and put it behind you now (if you can).

@TiggerDatter

I just think porn is a bit pathetic at best, exploitative and destructive at worst. I certainly didn’t think any better of my ex when I realised he used it. He always seemed a bit grubby to me after that, I was disappointed in him. So I get it OP. Sorry

I remember as a 20yr old new Mother, copping my then DP having a very energetic wank to something on the tv (prob's Babestation or something). I didn't confront him about it, he never knew I saw him at it, but, like you, I always viewed him as dirty and grubby and a bit sad after that. It was the beginning of the end for us.

I don’t want to confront your ideals or beliefs. But in my opinion, you are making a catastrophe out of nothing.
Watching porn doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you or that he’s “dirty”. We have rights for our fantasies, there’s also nothing wrong with masturbation.

@edwinbear
I share your view

That's your view @piwly. If you were in this relationship, your view would matter. But you're not and it doesn't.

Yes, it's true that many - probably most - men watch porn. And it's also true that most of them have faithful and happy relationships with their DP. Porn is like alcohol, most users control their intake without much difficulty but in a minority of cases it can lead to addiction and damage to relationships.

If your DP is ready, willing and able to do what you want in the bedroom then I would not be worried about his use of porn - for most of us men it's just wank material, stimulation for our desires in all respects, including the desire for our DP. Watching ourselves whilst doing the deed is the same, both of us watch each other from time to time, it's a normal part of sex.

You are overreacting OP, your DH sounds like a pretty normal guy and you do not need to be worried.

You're entitled to your own boundaries, and nobody on here or in real life is allowed to dictate to you what you should or shouldn't feel comfortable with. If porn is a dealbreaker (or even just something that upsets you / you want to vent about) then nobody should be allowed to make you feel "uptight" or whatever about it.

Of course, you can't force him into avoiding porn - if he values porn highly then you're incompatible and there needs to be a discussion about the next step. But fuck me, I feel like witnessing some parts of this thread is like watching the "cool girl" monologue from Gone Girl. You don't have to accept it just because blokes like it. That's all, I hope you're keeping your head high despite it all. xx

this is clearly a 'you' problem. there's nothing wrong at all with watching porn. he shouldn't have to apologise for watching it or stop watching it. loads of men and women watch porn and also have perfectly good sex lives.

I think the diamond analogy that a PP made is a very good one actually. However, that doesn't mean we should justify porn, it means we should become far more educated about the jewellery industry and more selective and careful about our purchases!

It's not for anyone else to set your boundaries OP, you feel how you feel. I don't disagree with you.

Maybe you can educate your husband as to what really goes on for a lot of women and this could leas to him not wanting to watch it anymore.

How can you be married for 20 years and your husband doesn't know how you feel about porn?

Not being goady, I genuinely can't understand being with someone for that long without them understanding my moral compass?? Does this perhaps suggest there are other issues fuelling your discomfort in this situation? Perhaps you're not as close as you think?