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Original poster

DH using porn - feeling crushed

181 replies

IMustardMitt · 30/10/2020 14:39

Last week I found my husband had been watching videos on Pornhub. He forgot to close the browser window, so when I opened up our shared iPad in the morning, I could see what he’d been doing.

It made me feel so ugly, dirty, debased and inadequate in every way.

I told him I knew and he was very sorry, very contrite. He immediately set up some sort of filter on our WiFi so those sorts of sites can’t be accessed. I think he really is sorry.

I just can’t explain the damage it has done. I don’t trust him any more. I don’t want to have sex with him because I think his head’s full of those images of other people.

We did have sex a couple of nights ago and I kept on wondering what he was thinking. Was he comparing me to the women in the videos. He was unable to climax, and claimed it was because he’d “shut down” so that I would definitely get there, but now I think he can’t climax without the porn images. Thinking about it, he often likes to look at himself going in and out of me - and frequently has needed to get into a position where he can see what’s going on in order to climax. I can’t help thinking it’s the porn. Or is that normal?

So whilst he denies it has any effect on the way he sees me or on our sex life, I’m now questioning everything about him.

Is there a way through this? It feels like he’s broken our marriage.

OP posts:
PercyKirke · 30/10/2020 21:44

@RuffleCrow

ah yes the old "female mental health problens are to blame if women object to anything a man does" *@PercyKirke*. Well that's a full house for me in MRA bingo.
Thanks for your comment, but I note that you have not answered my question.
Mamadothe · 30/10/2020 21:45

I love watching porn and have no issue with anyone else watching porn.
However, if he knew you didn’t approve then he should have spoken to you about it.

JaffaCake70 · 30/10/2020 21:51

Mildly amused at the comments stating that the only alternative to being with a man who gets his rocks off to watching other women shag, is to be alone or in a relationship with a liar!

There are men who aren't even the slightest bit interested in porn. There are men who prefer the images in their own imagination to the fake enjoyment and orgasms of porn. There are MANY men who realise that those women on the screen are ACTING, they are (for the most part) not enjoying the things they are doing, they spend extended amounts of time in uncomfortable positions doing very uncomfortable things. They basically lie back and think of the (not as fat as you would think) pay packet. What woman would enjoy having a 10 inch cock rammed down her throat until she practically voms? One that's being paid to do it, that's who!

There are men who would prefer to take the time and effort to make love to their real life woman than toss off to porn (layzeeee).

Carouselfish · 30/10/2020 21:53

I'd hate to feel my fantasy life was policed in any way in a relationship. It doesn't reflect on you or his feelings for you at all.

Bluntness100 · 30/10/2020 22:03

@JaffaCake70

Mildly amused at the comments stating that the only alternative to being with a man who gets his rocks off to watching other women shag, is to be alone or in a relationship with a liar!

There are men who aren't even the slightest bit interested in porn. There are men who prefer the images in their own imagination to the fake enjoyment and orgasms of porn. There are MANY men who realise that those women on the screen are ACTING, they are (for the most part) not enjoying the things they are doing, they spend extended amounts of time in uncomfortable positions doing very uncomfortable things. They basically lie back and think of the (not as fat as you would think) pay packet. What woman would enjoy having a 10 inch cock rammed down her throat until she practically voms? One that's being paid to do it, that's who!

There are men who would prefer to take the time and effort to make love to their real life woman than toss off to porn (layzeeee).

Ah, hon.,💐
amillionwishes · 30/10/2020 22:10

Op it doesn't matter what any of us think, it matters what YOU think and what's an issue in your relationship.

I don't care if my dp watches porn. But in our relationship it's never been a boundary and so he's never crossed it. In a 20 year relationship I would imagine it has come up and you've expressed your opinion about it and reading between the lines he's lied about his porn usage?

If he hasn't because it's never been brought up then discuss it, he didn't know your feelings on the matter.

If it has and he knows and he's still doing it then... you need to talk. You can't forbid someone from watching porn but you can choose to end a relationship because you're not compatible anymore with your viewpoints Thanks

AgeLikeWine · 30/10/2020 22:16

Almost all men watch porn, and so do many women, myself included.

We live in a world in which porn is ubiquitous, free, normalised and accessible in a couple of seconds, so it’s naive and unrealistic to expect men not to watch it. Censoriousness is a waste of time & energy, I'm afraid. That ship has sailed, and the days when a few vocal authoritarian prudes got to dictate what the rest of us watch, and wank to, are over.

amillionwishes · 30/10/2020 22:22

@AgeLikeWine I agree, a lot of pornhub is amateur and no one is getting paid, they just like to share!

That being said, the op is clearly not ok with it and within the boundaries of her relationship it must have been brought up as a hard no. In which case I sympathise that her DH has suddenly ignored those boundaries.

Closetbeanmuncher · 30/10/2020 22:29

The sight of him then furiously flogging his log

jaffa you just made me spit water allover my bed 😅

trashaccount · 30/10/2020 22:39

Everyone here is entitled to their own personal views on pornography (it's all great, it's all bad, some of it's fine blah blah) but ultimately we don't know the context of this relationship. If OP isn't fine with it, then there needs to be some kind of compromise or at least communication to see how things are going to progress in the future.

Definitely not sure how the logic of "he'll just lie and do it anyway" helps anyone though.

Closetbeanmuncher · 30/10/2020 22:46

Now I'm back in the room from my water spitting session, OP it's normal to look during sex and he's not imagining porn stars he's looking at the pair of you and enjoying what's happening.

My feeling about him not being able to finish is that he senses how it's ruined things for you and is worrying about it mid flow.

Honestly, if your sex life is usually good and hes not choosing porn over you then you have nothing to worry about, it's just a means to an end.

I understand what you mean about being put of by something that you find distasteful, but it really isn't because he finds you unattractive.

Hope you're feeling better soon.

JaffaCake70 · 30/10/2020 22:51

@Closetbeanmuncher

The sight of him then furiously flogging his log

jaffa you just made me spit water allover my bed 😅

😂😂😂
markzuckerbergsgreytshirt · 30/10/2020 23:16

@SodaPerson

Every single man watches porn.

The only ones that "don't", are the ones who haven't been caught yet.

I'm not even joking.

You're not even correct.
sandy541 · 31/10/2020 00:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wannatrim · 31/10/2020 00:34

Am I the only woman who likes watching porn on occasions too??

CorianderLord · 31/10/2020 01:26

I have watched porn in the past, before I learned more about the exploitation women go through etc.

I never once thought of porn when having sex with my lover. It's a totally different thing.

Orkneys · 31/10/2020 01:46

I don't think you are over reacting at all.
You have problems with your sex life this is a red flag he has got used to porn and that is what he gets off on he is obviously over using.
Yes men watch porn but when it is harming your relationship it is a problem. He's put a lock on because he doesn't trust himself not to watch it... no one needs to block porn pages they just don't watch it. Sorry OP sounds like a problem to me.

Orkneys · 31/10/2020 01:53

@AgeLikeWine

Almost all men watch porn, and so do many women, myself included.

We live in a world in which porn is ubiquitous, free, normalised and accessible in a couple of seconds, so it’s naive and unrealistic to expect men not to watch it. Censoriousness is a waste of time & energy, I'm afraid. That ship has sailed, and the days when a few vocal authoritarian prudes got to dictate what the rest of us watch, and wank to, are over.

Stop trying belittle the OP she doesn't like it and she doesn't have to... she has a opinion and views just like you do! Doesn't make her a prude. Grow up.
starray · 31/10/2020 01:53

@RuffleCrow

When people say "porn isn't real" is it because they're big fans of hentai or some other horrible cartoon nastiness? Otherwise what you're watching is real people having sex, and an alarmingly large number are women being physically hurt, or children whose lives are really being destroyed.
Totally agree.
Pesimistic · 31/10/2020 01:56

How was your sex life before you found out about his porn use ? If it was normal and healthy and you felt satisfied then no worries. If not then you have a problem. If my partner was using porn more than how had a sexual relationship then I would leave, I'm very sexual and if masterbation took precedence over our sex life then that would be selfish and not on for me. The looking thing I like to look, not weird at all, I'd think it weird if he didnt want to look.

SandMason · 31/10/2020 07:42

I’m not surprised so many are saying you’re overreacting when society is conditioning us to accept porn as normal. ‘All/most men do it’ we’re told, much in the same way women in the 50s had to accept that ‘all men cheat’. And it’s often women saying this. Perhaps it helps them make sense of the otherwise unpalatable situation that the love of their life/father of their children occasionally just goes online and watches actual human women being abused. And that this gets him off. I mean, how is this supposed to compute?

RuffleCrow · 31/10/2020 08:29

You're so right @SandMason. And let's not forget that if we were here in the 80s they'd be saying "all men rape their wives - and it's not even rape because you gave blanket consent when you got married". If we were here in the 60s they'd be saying "all men beat their wives". If it was the 18th century they'd be saying "all men own their wives". Misogyny is nothing if not adaptable.

Febo24 · 31/10/2020 08:54

So in my case, it did interfere with my relationship and we are now separating. We're talking addiction, and the betrayal associated with discovering this.

I found this article helpful in articulating how I feel: www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201610/cheating-it-was-just-webcam

The OP and her husband may never have really discussed it, so the boundaries are unclear and then the discovery is a shock.

OP I do think you need to chat to your husband, be really open about it. Explain your stance, but also listen to his. Not all stories end like mine but if you don't talk, it could do.

I've read this whole thread with interest. If you and your partner enjoy a bit of porn then that's great, I applaud and envy the openess and confidence that you have - but for some it is ruinous and I found myself quite upset at times reading what basically amounts to saying 'lighten up a bit'. I know what I'm going through is more extreme end of the scale but it did make me realise that I really don't want anyone in our circle to know what's gone wrong with us. The idea that people would be telling me to chill out when my husband's been lying to me for near enough 15 years would really do my head in.

RuffleCrow · 31/10/2020 09:26

Women are often told "look out for how he treats his mother, how he speaks about her. That's a good indication of how he feels about women and how he may come to view you eventually." We're also told "watch out for how he views staff in restaurants - does he act like they're beneath him?". Well, I don't see any reason why we shouldn't add "Observe how he views women and children who are presented for his objectification as pornography. Does he accept this or challenge it?"

gingerbreadfox · 31/10/2020 09:55

@RuffleCrow

I'm absolutely astonished at the number of apparent mners who suddenly think the real people being abused and assaulted in porn are somehow "fantasy" because there was a camera in the room. Is there a link to this thread on Pornhub or something ? *@gingerbreadfox*
Not that it's any of your business but because I know people who are in porn and on OnlyFans. They are happy and consent, also earn money from it.

I'm assuming you have never been on one of these sites but just for your info, there are different categories. These include solo (aka people doing bits to themselves), animation porn, and even porn particularly showing real husbands and wives doing gentle/loving things.

It's not all whips and chains and degrading/exploiting people. Although just for the record the people I know who do it are massively into that kind of thing and STILL consent. It's their kink and they love it.