DH using porn - feeling crushed

[IMustardMitt]

Last week I found my husband had been watching videos on Pornhub. He forgot to close the browser window, so when I opened up our shared iPad in the morning, I could see what he’d been doing.

It made me feel so ugly, dirty, debased and inadequate in every way.

I told him I knew and he was very sorry, very contrite. He immediately set up some sort of filter on our WiFi so those sorts of sites can’t be accessed. I think he really is sorry.

I just can’t explain the damage it has done. I don’t trust him any more. I don’t want to have sex with him because I think his head’s full of those images of other people.

We did have sex a couple of nights ago and I kept on wondering what he was thinking. Was he comparing me to the women in the videos. He was unable to climax, and claimed it was because he’d “shut down” so that I would definitely get there, but now I think he can’t climax without the porn images. Thinking about it, he often likes to look at himself going in and out of me - and frequently has needed to get into a position where he can see what’s going on in order to climax. I can’t help thinking it’s the porn. Or is that normal?

So whilst he denies it has any effect on the way he sees me or on our sex life, I’m now questioning everything about him.

Is there a way through this? It feels like he’s broken our marriage.

@SomewhereInbetween1

Whilst your feelings are completely valid OP, so are your husband's. You both have the right to express your sexuality in the ways that you choose. If your husband watches porn occasionally, you are of course well within your rights to express your discomfort, but equally you don't have the right to ask him not to watch.

It's a really divisive subject, but sex and mirroring what we see sex presented as happens in far more instances than just porn. Tv, films, books etc all regularly convey sex, and if your problem is your husband picturing other people/ scenarios during intercourse, do you also have an issue with sex presented in media outside of pornography?

Speak to your husband but I would always advise to try to do so with an open mind. Sometimes we all need a bit of added stimulation, but if you don't then great, and if he does then so be it.

Both peoples choices are valid - hmmm. telling the op that the husband has a right to watch porn is misleading because yes of course anyone has the right to but it doesn’t take away the fact it’s a grotty industry and is DOES affect the way men see women and hence the sexual lives of people . How can it not with the way women are portrayed . OP you may not have the right to demand anyone stop watching porn however you DO have the right to want your partner not to watch it and to believe that it impacts the relationship.

To those saying it’s not a problem and are comfortable with their partners porn use or their own I’m curious how they source ‘ethical ‘ porn considering the statistical data about the big sites using underage girls abusing and coercing women and the many times they are caught out with this stuff . Something like 88% plus of the stuff on mainstream porn show a women either called derogarory names spat on or other such abuses according to research ( Prof Dines and others ) or are you done supporting these sites
If you uses amateur porn to avoid these sites how do you garantee the images and video are posted with the full consent of both parties considering the issue with revenge porn?
It’s seems extremely misleading to say to a woman who’s relationship is impacted by porn use that there’s no problem with her partner using it and that he has a ‘right ‘ and she shouldn’t ask him to stop
Why are women not allowed to expect integrity from men or set boundaries ?
Twenty years of marriage I’m married similar time it does take work but it also requires knowing you boundaries as a couple, what values we share and how we will live as a couple . You have EVERY right in the world to let him know what you want or need .

I think you are really over reacting almost all men do this and a lot of women too , you can’t stop him from watching porn that’s pretty controlling x

@Lora88 She's not stopping him from watching porn. She's bothered by it, which she's told him about. It's on him to quit using porn to help the relationship, or deal with the fall out of continuing to hurt OP's feelings.

@Lora88

I think you are really over reacting almost all men do this and a lot of women too , you can’t stop him from watching porn that’s pretty controlling x

Lora , do you think it’s controlling to do other things that are damaging to the relationship . Do you feel women are entitled to seek emotions full fulfilment with other men m outside of marriage so long as no touching is involved ? Considering women may feel they need emotional ‘variety or admiration in the same way many claim men need visual variety and to admire the female form ?

Something like 88% plus of the stuff on mainstream porn show a women either called derogarory names spat on

Tbf I do think much of it has evolved into this whole spitting and choking nastiness and it makes me sad to think of generations growing up thinking this is how you get down.

I do also think you can spot a man a mile away who's learned his technique through porn - que awkward cough and ceiling stare.

If anyone spat on me or put their hands on my neck during sex they'd be leaving through a fucking window.

If your sex life is regular and enjoyable I say you spin it on its head, claim it and give him something to look at!!

Let me be clear in that I do NOT feel it would be ok for a woman ( or man ) to seek emotional fulfilment of marriage . However if the argument is that it’s ok to get intimate and sexual needs met through porn and that men are so drawn to this that they ‘ all ‘ do it then we are looking at the old biological chestnut that also argues women are primarily ‘ emotionally driven creatures ‘ therefore we should get the same free pass to seek to fulfil those needs with other men online so long as no touching huh ? At least that SHOUlLD be the argument of those who are in Favour of the ‘ it natural for men and you shouldn’t try to stop it argument .
I can garantee it won’t be though . Why ? Because the argument is grounded in mysogyny and sexism ... and sure some women also watch porn , mysogynistic attitudes are societal not just unique to men . They have infiltrated society for Millenia .