DH using porn - feeling crushed

[IMustardMitt]

Last week I found my husband had been watching videos on Pornhub. He forgot to close the browser window, so when I opened up our shared iPad in the morning, I could see what he’d been doing.

It made me feel so ugly, dirty, debased and inadequate in every way.

I told him I knew and he was very sorry, very contrite. He immediately set up some sort of filter on our WiFi so those sorts of sites can’t be accessed. I think he really is sorry.

I just can’t explain the damage it has done. I don’t trust him any more. I don’t want to have sex with him because I think his head’s full of those images of other people.

We did have sex a couple of nights ago and I kept on wondering what he was thinking. Was he comparing me to the women in the videos. He was unable to climax, and claimed it was because he’d “shut down” so that I would definitely get there, but now I think he can’t climax without the porn images. Thinking about it, he often likes to look at himself going in and out of me - and frequently has needed to get into a position where he can see what’s going on in order to climax. I can’t help thinking it’s the porn. Or is that normal?

So whilst he denies it has any effect on the way he sees me or on our sex life, I’m now questioning everything about him.

Is there a way through this? It feels like he’s broken our marriage.

[quote TeatimeAtCloppa]@Iloveme30 This? No, sorry...not this. My husband has his work computer, his MacBook and his router (he works in tech) in a room that is freely accessible. I use his phone, bank card, internet log ins...we have no secrets. He has not once in thirteen years of marriage looked at porn. He thinks men who do are pathetic. And the women who defend them just as much.

Don't pretend YOU know my husband better than I do.[/quote]
We have each other's passwords , use each other's phones also in this marriage no secrets here . So ye both feel people who watch porn are pathetic? Well WOW ! Well we must be pathetic so ! I must have really hit a nerve there with you ! How your post is helping op feel better I don't know , people are different doesn't make them pathetic 🙄 very narrow minded bet it's suits you just fine that he doesn't watch all cosy in the garden so delighted for you . Now excuse me my alarm just pinged time for a bit of pornhub better drag my pathetic self to the pc .......🙄🙄🙄🙄

Jaffacake70 why is it always about other women ?? He gets off to other women shagging is your theory .. but there's men in the videos too like . I like porn the odd time with and without my husband,Sometimes and yes I agree there are total creeps out there for sure who cross the line and don't respect their partners or wives but there's also normal folk who just get turned on watching other people getting it on it can add a bit of spice . I'm not talking about the men who are actively really putting porn over their women that's wrong no argument there just ops dh doesn't sound like one of those blokes and she certainly shouldn't let it crush her .

@Iloveme30 I think (bar all of the abuse factors which we should discuss, just for the sake of this argument) if you and your partner both consent and want to watch porn then it's OK from a relationship standpoint. However, if one of you is not okay then I can liken it to -

if your partner went into a room with people having sex (often extremely graphic and sometimes pretty rough) and got to pick their sex positions, what they looked like, what they were doing and decided to masturbate over it it would be considered cheating. because it's giving yourself sexual pleasure over other people performing sex acts, which for me anyway is a big bit of what cheating is about. this is obviously not accounting for the actual ethics of porn just thought i'd bring it up

Thing is if this wasn’t porn but another ‘habit’ - how many of you would be up there saying you are over reacting it’s no big deal etc- is it partly because in most cases it’s free? Imagine if this was say gambling — and blokes were doing this 3 or 4 times a week - would folks be saying, ‘you are over reacting, you aren’t his mother etc’ if you are ok with it then fine- just accept many women in particular are not and certainly not when it’s a really big habit and not just the odd occasion . the fact is a lot of women and particularly many (not all but many) women over a certain age and who have been married a certain amount of time did not have this to contend with because it wasn’t available ‘on tap’ the way it is now— blokes actually had to buy magazines or videos or get given them by mates and many were too embarrassed to do that. That’s why these subjects didn’t tend to get discussed when we got together with husbands/partners- because it simply wasn’t ‘everywhere’ same goes for sexting or hook up sites etc. So to find you are with someone who presents as one kind of bloke, but actually find they don’t have the balls to admit they too watch this stuff and in many cases actually lie about it after you’ve been together many many years is really not that easy just to brush off - lots of mumsnetters say that once the trust has gone it’s hard to feel the same— well in many of these situations the trust has indeed been broken , as so many lie about it , be it porn , webcams, hookups etc (and believe me porn on the web has all of this- it’s nothing like page 3!!!

The vast majority of men watch porn, and a huge number of women do, too.

Watching porn isn't cheating. The only time I'd have an issue would be if he was getting turned on by violent porn or god forbid child porn - but just your normal, vanilla porn is nothing abnormal and nothing to be ashamed of.

You're entitled to feel however you feel, and if he's willing to stop because you feel that way then great - but please let it drop.

Other than anything else, he'll probably just be more careful in the future, rather than stopping anyway.

So long as it's not impacting on your sex life (i.e. you're waiting in bed for him while he's wanking to porn in the other room) it really, really, really isn't an issue.

You are completely overreacting about it. Truly.

Just to be clear here I'm defending occasional once in a while porn use . I do not and would not agree with my husband watching something very degrading to women or abuse ,roughness etc or very young girls . My dh has a very particular kink I suppose it's more about the situation than the people so it doesn't bother me as much . This is a thread to help op not get in heated arguments ffs , and im not the only one that is ok with it on this thread 🙄

@LindaEllen But if she has a hard boundary around porn, surely she's allowed to express it and be upset? Saying "he'll probably just be more careful in the future, rather than stopping anyway" doesn't help anybody - certainly not OP.

@Iloveme30

Jaffacake70 why is it always about other women ?? He gets off to other women shagging is your theory .. but there's men in the videos too like . I like porn the odd time with and without my husband,Sometimes and yes I agree there are total creeps out there for sure who cross the line and don't respect their partners or wives but there's also normal folk who just get turned on watching other people getting it on it can add a bit of spice . I'm not talking about the men who are actively really putting porn over their women that's wrong no argument there just ops dh doesn't sound like one of those blokes and she certainly shouldn't let it crush her .

You need to do some research on the porn industry and decide whether it really sits well with you that you're supporting such an exploitative, damaging and degrading industry in order to 'add a bit of spice'.

I agree that OP shouldn't let this crush her, she should set her boundaries more clearly and if her Husband can't respect those boundaries, maybe it's time to rethink their relationship.

@IMustardMitt

Last week I found my husband had been watching videos on Pornhub. He forgot to close the browser window, so when I opened up our shared iPad in the morning, I could see what he’d been doing.

It made me feel so ugly, dirty, debased and inadequate in every way.

I told him I knew and he was very sorry, very contrite. He immediately set up some sort of filter on our WiFi so those sorts of sites can’t be accessed. I think he really is sorry.

I just can’t explain the damage it has done. I don’t trust him any more. I don’t want to have sex with him because I think his head’s full of those images of other people.

We did have sex a couple of nights ago and I kept on wondering what he was thinking. Was he comparing me to the women in the videos. He was unable to climax, and claimed it was because he’d “shut down” so that I would definitely get there, but now I think he can’t climax without the porn images. Thinking about it, he often likes to look at himself going in and out of me - and frequently has needed to get into a position where he can see what’s going on in order to climax. I can’t help thinking it’s the porn. Or is that normal?

So whilst he denies it has any effect on the way he sees me or on our sex life, I’m now questioning everything about him.

Is there a way through this? It feels like he’s broken our marriage.

I know how it feels and is horrible I'm 7 years younger then my husband.I also cached lots of porn and it has hurt me in a way I still can't fix it was over 7 years ago.we are still marriage but I see him in a different way, overreacting?maybe for some but not for me as it made me feel ugly and everything bad . Our marriage will never be the same something is broken and I can't fix for more I try .

Porn can be watched on phones and deleted immediately afterwards. Cookies deleted. Browser history deleted. Totally looks like porn was never accessed.

Just putting that out there.

I was in a similar situation so I do know how devastating it is. My DH knew that porn was one of my boundaries (not everyone’s opinion but is it down to individual choice and he accepted that). He would always tell me he wasn’t into it. He’d laugh at our friends who spoke about it and say why would I need it when I’ve got you. After giving birth my DH would go on about sex and how long we had to wait before we could do it again. He spent our wedding anniversary talking about previous sexual encounters we’d had and while he didn’t forcibly pressure me, his constant revisiting of the subject made me felt pressured. 8 weeks after giving birth to twins I had sex to please him. We’d only done it a few times but we’d done it in the early hours before this particular morning when he went up to shower while I was taking care of the babies. I went upstairs with one of them to grab something and caught him masturbating to porn. I was so shocked and devastated. I felt like such a mug for rushing into having sex again before I was ready and it wasn’t enough to satisfy him anyway. I felt so stupid for believing all his lies (why not just say nothing instead of pretending to be better than his friends) and trusting him wholehearted and honestly I just felt like I wasn’t good enough in every way. Especially after not long giving birth and feeling super self conscious and worried anyway. He told me it was a moment of madness and I was wearing a skirt that made him horny and he knew I wouldn’t be up for anything. So basically tried to blame me for it. I completely get your loss of trust and it’s made me view him in a completely different way too. Definitely not the guy I thought he was. Our relationship has suffered as I don’t trust the things he says now and I now feel incredibly self conscious and like I’m not good enough after giving birth. Logically I know I am but it’s hard to quell the self doubt. Sorry - long rambly post but I wanted you to know there were others that felt the same way. I’ve only just discovered Mumsnet and when it happened it would’ve really helped me to know other people shared my feelings and understood why I felt so inadequate. I was incredibly lonely and had no one to talk to. I hope you can move past it if that’s what you want to do. We have moved past it even if things won’t be the same again.

@Imustardmitt I think your feelings are fair. Hopefully he will stop watching porn, it can be addictive and pretty bad for the user's sex drive and ability to "stay in the moment". Plus, you don't know the background of the "performers" - whether they've been trafficked or coerced, how old they are etc. Hopefully as he stops using porn, he can go back to enjoying real sensations and sights, real sex etc. He may have even been comparing himself to the performers, particularly on size, that could have thrown him off. Fingers crossed it's all on the up from here (no pun intended).

@JaffaCake70 I need to research the porn industry that's fair enough I'll certainly have a look .
May I suggest you need to stop telling other fully grown adults what they need to do !

@Morgan12
That's the harsh reality isn't it . So better the devil you know in my opinion. 🤷‍♀️

[quote Iloveme30]@JaffaCake70 I need to research the porn industry that's fair enough I'll certainly have a look .
May I suggest you need to stop telling other fully grown adults what they need to do ! [/quote]
Ok, it's a deal!

I'm still here, reading all comments. I haven't contributed anything further because I'm not interested in having my life / sexuality / marriage judged. You don't know me. From some of the responses on here, I'm glad I don't know you.

Thank you to everyone who has empathised and offered genuine advice - that has helped me to gain some perspective. I am saddened to find that many other wives have had a similar experience.

Talking to DH has been very helpful. 20 years of marriage doesn't happen by accident, it doesn't happen if you bolt the first time one of you screws up, and it certainly doesn't happen if you accept nothing but perfection from the other. But you do need mutual respect and trust, and that's going to take some more work.

How do you build up trust? Is it just time? It feels like an act of will - does it become less consciously-manufactured as time goes by?

@IMustardMitt

I'm still here, reading all comments. I haven't contributed anything further because I'm not interested in having my life / sexuality / marriage judged. You don't know me. From some of the responses on here, I'm glad I don't know you.

Thank you to everyone who has empathised and offered genuine advice - that has helped me to gain some perspective. I am saddened to find that many other wives have had a similar experience.

Talking to DH has been very helpful. 20 years of marriage doesn't happen by accident, it doesn't happen if you bolt the first time one of you screws up, and it certainly doesn't happen if you accept nothing but perfection from the other. But you do need mutual respect and trust, and that's going to take some more work.

How do you build up trust? Is it just time? It feels like an act of will - does it become less consciously-manufactured as time goes by?

Glad your feeling a little better now . Trust is a funny one isn't it ,I'm sure I'll get slated again for saying this but I don't ever trust anyone 100% I think that can be quite naive and set us up for a lot of disappointment. I do however have hope and love and friendship with my dh I trust my gut at all times and act accordingly if I feel something is up it usually is .. it's great ye are talking and getting somewhere with this I understand your shock and sense of betrayal but please remember this has nothing to do with you. You are good enough and have been for 20 years 🤗 . Porn and the industry is huge and so easily available it's literally a click of a button away and free . I don't know if he will stop watching forever is that the aim here for you ?

Hi @Iloveme30.

It's trusting that what he tells me is true. I can't say "I trust he will never ever [insert undesirable activity here]" because it's unrealistic to expect a person to never make a bad choice. I need to trust that the extent of his porn use is what he says it is, and that his feelings about me are what he says they are. Finding out something unexpected about someone you think you know shakes your confidence in what you know about them. How do you get that back?

Hi 🤗@IMustardMitt
For me it was time and if you have a decent man (not a perfect one ) plenty of talking and honesty . And then more time ! Me and my dh went through something very similar in the earlier years and I like you internalised it and really let it affect me and my self worth . That's why I've been keeping an eye on this It took a long time for me to get my head around that one . So many people are on here so self righteous and indignant but sometimes life just isn't like that . My first husband was on paper "amazing" , supportive,loving wouldn't look at another woman etc ... He was a liar he was a porn addict and above all he was sneaky who was cheating 🤬
Your dh sounds like a decent (not perfect) guy apart from this revelation you sounded very happy and content in your marriage and he sounds like he cares how you feel about this I know he got caught looking when he shouldn't but there's a lot worse he could've been doing . I'm in no way trying to minimise this for you or your very valid feelings just trying to offer my perspective as I've been there ( no doubt they'll scald me on here ) 😂 . There will never be a perfect woman and never be a perfect man . If you truly were happy and if you have a decent guy who will listen to you and is willing to modify his behavior or be completely honest going forward I would stay and work through this situation but never let this be about you or how you look it's simply not true . If I had known that it would have saved me a lot of pain .

If your DH had told you at the start of your relationship that he watched porn and wouldn't stop, you would have likely ended it then right? And missed out on 20 great years. So to put it into perspective - has him watching porn changed who he is as a person? Is he treating you worse, or being a worse lover and partner? If he isn't then you must realise that watching porn doesn't make him a bad man, it doesn't make you less of a woman, and it doesn't make your relationship any better or worse than it's always been.

You have your reasons for not liking porn, and he seems to have taken it on board. That is the man you married - someone who puts aside his own innate desires for the sake of your marriage. You cannot police his desires or fantasies, so what you should focus on is that he is committed to your happiness, over his own. Don't make him feel dirty or belittle him for his desires. You will only widen the gap between you. He has agreed to not watch it anymore, let that be the end of it. He's still the same person he always was. Him wanting to look at your body and his during sex is fantastic - that is as sure a sign as any he fancies YOU. He is a visual creature so fgs don't make him feel guilty for watching the act of penetration with his own wife! Some of the insecurities are your own, and he isn't chastisting you for them or making you feel bad. There's a compromise, he's made it, and you should do the necessary self reflection as well to not tarnish your entire marriage.

@JurassicParkaha. I haven't berated him for looking during sex. All I've said is that, given what I now have discovered, it's made me wonder if he needs to do that because of the way porn presents that sort of "camera angle" to the viewer. I wondered if it's normal for men to do that with their partners, or if it's a pornified version of sex. Lots of people on here have said they think it's normal.

I've never said he can't, and I've not said I don't like it - he's been doing it for years, so if I didn't like it I'd have said something before now. I'm just trying to work out how much his porn use has affected our sex life together without me realising it. What I discovered has made me question everything around our sex life and how he views me, and it's shaken me up.

Some people are making massive assumptions here. Apparently, either You can have no inhibitions and no boundaries when it comes to DH's sexual activity, or you are repressed and only do it with the lights out, on your back through hole in a sheet.

Just to clarify, in my second paragraph I mean the looking at us, not the porn use.

Whilst your feelings are completely valid OP, so are your husband's. You both have the right to express your sexuality in the ways that you choose. If your husband watches porn occasionally, you are of course well within your rights to express your discomfort, but equally you don't have the right to ask him not to watch.

It's a really divisive subject, but sex and mirroring what we see sex presented as happens in far more instances than just porn. Tv, films, books etc all regularly convey sex, and if your problem is your husband picturing other people/ scenarios during intercourse, do you also have an issue with sex presented in media outside of pornography?

Speak to your husband but I would always advise to try to do so with an open mind. Sometimes we all need a bit of added stimulation, but if you don't then great, and if he does then so be it.

@SandMason

I’m not surprised so many are saying you’re overreacting when society is conditioning us to accept porn as normal. ‘All/most men do it’ we’re told, much in the same way women in the 50s had to accept that ‘all men cheat’. And it’s often women saying this. Perhaps it helps them make sense of the otherwise unpalatable situation that the love of their life/father of their children occasionally just goes online and watches actual human women being abused. And that this gets him off. I mean, how is this supposed to compute?

This is my thoughts exactly. It’s so depressing that it’s become so normalised. Watching other people extremely graphically having sex (and often very uncomfortable sex for the woman with multiple men etc) it’s absolutely not ok for many people but more and more extreme sex and porn is becoming the norm you seem like a prude if you don’t go along with it?! Many Young people (and men in particular) have such a distorted view of what women like and want. Just unreal and makes me believe it’s a real step backwards in terms of women’s rights. OP you are perfectly valid in your opinions. It’s pretty foul and I can see why you are upset. You don’t have to put up with it, don’t let anyone tell you this is ok and you are in the wrong or has some have said in the wrong even. Men arnt some species that can help them selves like some rutting dog. They have thinking brains just like us and if they have a loving partner who doesn’t like this then they do have the power to stop and be true to their word. Why some women think that ‘men can’t help it’ or ‘men need this release you are being unfair’ oh poor men. How will they cope. If you don’t like it, tell him so and he is not to use it. You will have trust issues for a while but you can work on that and in time overcome it. Good luck

[quote trashaccount]@LindaEllen But if she has a hard boundary around porn, surely she's allowed to express it and be upset? Saying "he'll probably just be more careful in the future, rather than stopping anyway" doesn't help anybody - certainly not OP.[/quote]
It's true though. It's far too easy to hide, and say 'I'm so sorry, I'll stop watching it', while actually still having a look every now and then before deleting search history.

I just think if one of you has a hard line for porn, and one of you enjoys watching it, there's little hope for a compromise.

Just from my experience of course.

And yes, you're right, she's absolutely allowed to express her feelings on the matter, and it's important that he knows them.