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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH using porn - feeling crushed

181 replies

IMustardMitt · 30/10/2020 14:39

Last week I found my husband had been watching videos on Pornhub. He forgot to close the browser window, so when I opened up our shared iPad in the morning, I could see what he’d been doing.

It made me feel so ugly, dirty, debased and inadequate in every way.

I told him I knew and he was very sorry, very contrite. He immediately set up some sort of filter on our WiFi so those sorts of sites can’t be accessed. I think he really is sorry.

I just can’t explain the damage it has done. I don’t trust him any more. I don’t want to have sex with him because I think his head’s full of those images of other people.

We did have sex a couple of nights ago and I kept on wondering what he was thinking. Was he comparing me to the women in the videos. He was unable to climax, and claimed it was because he’d “shut down” so that I would definitely get there, but now I think he can’t climax without the porn images. Thinking about it, he often likes to look at himself going in and out of me - and frequently has needed to get into a position where he can see what’s going on in order to climax. I can’t help thinking it’s the porn. Or is that normal?

So whilst he denies it has any effect on the way he sees me or on our sex life, I’m now questioning everything about him.

Is there a way through this? It feels like he’s broken our marriage.

OP posts:
fellrunner85 · 30/10/2020 20:15

Not getting into the rights or wrongs of porn here (though fwiw my DH is an avid consumer, and I don't much care for it myself).
Just popped on to tell the OP that the wifi "blocker" is bollocks. Your DH can still watch anything he chooses through a proxy site (eg duckduckgo). He knew this full well when he pretended to put the porn filter on the wifi...

bebarkered · 30/10/2020 20:18

For the people who are defending porn (WTAFF?!!!!) the comment I put in my post regarding (past) sexually abused children and sex working, those words are not my words. They are Trisha Goddard's, tv personality. Who happens to have an awful lot of experience of working in the mental health sector

LilyWater · 30/10/2020 20:20

[quote trashaccount]@Halliehallie9828 Not saying there isn't. Just giving a bit of context to posters who make out that anyone who doesn't watch porn / doesn't want porn in their relationship is personally flawed or prudish in some way.[/quote]
@trashaccount, the overall point you were making was very clear. Notice how @Halliehallie9828 conveniently ignored the rest of the content on yours and Cat's posts!

Unfortunately, trying to discuss any such points with those who are in love with porn, assumes they possess enough human empathy to care more about the human beings they objectify (including those are vulnerable, abused and trafficked) than feeding their habit of watching other naked people.

What you see (including some examples on this thread) is that nothing must get in the way of them having their fix. The truth about porn is all out there - you have to be intentionally blind not see it. That is why multiple posters are twisting themselves into pretzels, trying to divert focus from the crux of the issue, so they can continue justifying this evil industry in their heads .

MrsMigginsMate · 30/10/2020 20:36

Hah! Ok Lily, you're clearly reading a different thread to most of us!

And @bebarkered you should explain what on earth Trisha actually means. Some of us don't follow daytime talk shows, without context the quote is meaningless. Does she mean that all performers are underage? Or that all performers chose their career because of their past childhood abuse?

AntiHop · 30/10/2020 20:40

@RuffleCrow

When people say "porn isn't real" is it because they're big fans of hentai or some other horrible cartoon nastiness? Otherwise what you're watching is real people having sex, and an alarmingly large number are women being physically hurt, or children whose lives are really being destroyed.
Exactly this. Porn is real to the woman who are put through physical and emotional hell to make it.
gingerbreadfox · 30/10/2020 20:43

I feel that everyone is entitled to watch porn. It's not cheating. Fantasy and fantasising are healthy. Have you never read a saucy book? Or got hot under the collar watching a film or TV scene?
IMO men who aren't 'allowed' to fantasise or watch porn are the ones more likely to cheat

bebarkered · 30/10/2020 20:55

MrsMigginsMate
Trisha Goddard was interviewing survivors of child sexual abuse, and, referring them (where required) for therapy following them appearing on her show. It was a comment she made that has stayed with me since. Yes, she was referring to past child sexual abuse. And, no, she was referring to adult sex workers, not underage people. And, the effects it can have on them as adults. One of them being working in porn. As "it's all they know so they think it's normal" (in some cases)

RuffleCrow · 30/10/2020 20:59

@MadameTuffington you sound like someone who's wandered in from the past after getting a hard-on at a hanging. Envy not envy

Honeyandapple · 30/10/2020 21:01

He'll have been watching porn since you first got the internet. Almost all men watch it. It's not nice to discover, horrible even, but it's been going on - and he won't stop.
Sorry for you anyway OP Sad.

MrsMigginsMate · 30/10/2020 21:03

Ah, "in some cases". So not all, but a proportion of which she doesn't have specific numbers. Right. So this isn't really getting us anywhere is it.

I feel like this thread shouldn't digress into the ethics of the porn industry too much as OP clearly has been asking for help with her relationship not a general discussion. Perhaps the thread topic needs to be split with those interested in the wider issues starting another separate post? I know I have added to this a bit but I think perhaps we are (on both sides) being a bit unfair to OP by derailing this a bit.

Im not sure if this is something Mumsnet HQ can do, or even how to tag them to request it? OP perhaps you can ask for this if you would prefer it? It would be good to see you back in the thread if you feel able and I hope you can work things out with your husband.

RuffleCrow · 30/10/2020 21:03

I'm absolutely astonished at the number of apparent mners who suddenly think the real people being abused and assaulted in porn are somehow "fantasy" because there was a camera in the room. Is there a link to this thread on Pornhub or something ? @gingerbreadfox

PercyKirke · 30/10/2020 21:07

I am sorry but I feel this is a massive over-reaction on your part OP and perhaps you might need to seek professional advice for your anxiety.

RuffleCrow · 30/10/2020 21:09

Why would you want to separate a man's wanking over images of abuse from the discussion of what happened in order for those images to be made @MrsMigginsMate? It's all a bit "don't think about slaughterhouses whilst shopping for sausages" for my liking. Why are you so keen for her to work things out with him when his behaviour has disturbed her so much?

PercyKirke · 30/10/2020 21:09

@RuffleCrow

I'm absolutely astonished at the number of apparent mners who suddenly think the real people being abused and assaulted in porn are somehow "fantasy" because there was a camera in the room. Is there a link to this thread on Pornhub or something ? *@gingerbreadfox*
What evidence do you have that they are being abused or coerced other than your own personal prejudice?
Bluntness100 · 30/10/2020 21:12

Op you’re feelings are not wrong because that’s how you feel. His feelings in wanting to watch it are also not wrong and you don’t get to control him in this regard

If you can only be with someone who doesn’t watch porn you’re destined to be with a liar or alone. That’s ok. What’s not ok is trying to control him because of what you deem acceptable v what he does.

If you can’t accept it move on, or accept it and don’t.

It’s that simple.

RuffleCrow · 30/10/2020 21:12

ah yes the old "female mental health problens are to blame if women object to anything a man does" @PercyKirke. Well that's a full house for me in MRA bingo.

Bluntness100 · 30/10/2020 21:13

@RuffleCrow

I'm absolutely astonished at the number of apparent mners who suddenly think the real people being abused and assaulted in porn are somehow "fantasy" because there was a camera in the room. Is there a link to this thread on Pornhub or something ? *@gingerbreadfox*
Are you single? If not you’re with a liar.
DeeCeeCherry · 30/10/2020 21:14

Every single man watches porn

SodaPerson No - they don't.
DP is completely disinterested, finds it boring. On the other hand I do watch porn occasionally.

OP you're not wrong to feel as you do. But talk to your H again see if you can get through this.

Namenic · 30/10/2020 21:14

Don’t think this is more of an over-reaction to someone discovering their partner using webcams or strip clubs. The point is that different people have different boundaries - some people are fine with open relationship, some people aren’t. The important thing is to communicate and agree/compromise on your boundaries or perhaps leave because you’re incompatible.

RuffleCrow · 30/10/2020 21:16

Thankfully the wonderful Dr Jessica Taylor has already collated decades worth of research on that subject which renders whatever prejudices I might have a bit superfluous @PercyKirke.

kathywilliams · 30/10/2020 21:17

OP, I have a very good sex life with DP, and I also watch porn sometimes. It changes nothing about how much I fancy him or how I feel about him. It just scratches a particular itch sometimes (especially if he's working away from home).

So while you are entitled to feel however you feel about it, it's not just a man thing - and I wouldn't see it as a betrayal. I was unfaithful to XH, and I can assure you the two things are very different!

MrsMigginsMate · 30/10/2020 21:23

@RuffleCrow

Why would you want to separate a man's wanking over images of abuse from the discussion of what happened in order for those images to be made *@MrsMigginsMate*? It's all a bit "don't think about slaughterhouses whilst shopping for sausages" for my liking. Why are you so keen for her to work things out with him when his behaviour has disturbed her so much?
You seem very angry RuffleCrow, and very accusatory calling everyone an MRA . Is that your insult of the day?

I suggested OP should decide about splitting discussion, I never said it's up to me. I thought it was a kind and compassionate thing to do, for OP to have the choice to separate the politics and wider discussion from comments specifically about her relationship considering that's what she asked about in the first place. She didn't start a thread asking about the background of sex workers. You seem to lack kindness for OP if you can't understand this.

On the other hand she may be up for a big debate about it, I'm not a mind reader which is why I made the suggestion. I'm quite happy to jump into the other thread should someone wish to start one.

As for me hoping she works things out with her husband that can mean many things. Resolving the issue is essentially what it means, making up or breaking up as she sees fit. It was an expression of well wishes for the OP and one of regret that the thread had moved away from the central issue. You're really reaching to find something sinister in that...really reaching. Perhaps you're projecting too much.

bebarkered · 30/10/2020 21:25

MrsMigginsMate
You come over as someone lacking in empathy, MHO. Oh, and, ALL threads get derailed!

Bluntness100 · 30/10/2020 21:28

You seem very angry RuffleCrow, and very accusatory calling everyone an MRA

Agree.

Op as said, you can have your boundaries, you cannot dictate what he’s allowed to view or wank to. Either he genuinely agrees or he does not. If he enjoys porn, which he clearly does, then if he agrees he’s lying because of your issues. You then need to decide if you can take it, or need to leave, but assume it means you’ll be alone or with a liar after this.

MrsMigginsMate · 30/10/2020 21:28

bebarkered

Oh I see, so it's ok to derail because 'that's what we always do around here'. Sure.