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Original poster

DH using porn - feeling crushed

181 replies

IMustardMitt · 30/10/2020 14:39

Last week I found my husband had been watching videos on Pornhub. He forgot to close the browser window, so when I opened up our shared iPad in the morning, I could see what he’d been doing.

It made me feel so ugly, dirty, debased and inadequate in every way.

I told him I knew and he was very sorry, very contrite. He immediately set up some sort of filter on our WiFi so those sorts of sites can’t be accessed. I think he really is sorry.

I just can’t explain the damage it has done. I don’t trust him any more. I don’t want to have sex with him because I think his head’s full of those images of other people.

We did have sex a couple of nights ago and I kept on wondering what he was thinking. Was he comparing me to the women in the videos. He was unable to climax, and claimed it was because he’d “shut down” so that I would definitely get there, but now I think he can’t climax without the porn images. Thinking about it, he often likes to look at himself going in and out of me - and frequently has needed to get into a position where he can see what’s going on in order to climax. I can’t help thinking it’s the porn. Or is that normal?

So whilst he denies it has any effect on the way he sees me or on our sex life, I’m now questioning everything about him.

Is there a way through this? It feels like he’s broken our marriage.

OP posts:
Emmie12345 · 31/10/2020 09:57

God this wouldn’t bother me at all

I think your poor DH tbh as millions of men and women watch porn

SandMason · 31/10/2020 11:00

When it comes to the apparent ‘consent’ of the women involved in porn, does it still count if she’s been groomed for most of her (usually very young) life to believe that this is what’s expected of her? I’d be interested to know what proportion of these women experienced abuse in their childhood (which for many is like 2 years prior to their film debut). I also wonder about the amateur stuff, how many of the women involved have agreed to put it online (or even know it’s being filmed), as opposed to the bloke sharing, or so called ‘revenge porn’... it’s really not possible to know. And I don’t imagine a lot of men will be thinking this through when they’re sat there with their dick out clicking through videos. I hope one day we collectively decide to raise the bar for what we find acceptable in society and relationships when it comes to how women are viewed and treated.

SandMason · 31/10/2020 11:06

I also think it sells a lot of men short assuming they’re simply not capable of exercising a bit of self restraint to avoid participating in the large-scale exploitation of women and girls. It’s an extension of the ‘boys will be boys’ nonsense.

RuffleCrow · 31/10/2020 19:14

I think gingerbreadfox may be getting paid by the Happy Hooker cliche.

Just because you may love getting punched in the face or whatever on camera so that sad men can manage an orgasm, it doesn't make it ok that there's a billion dollar industry set up so women and children can get punched in the face so that sad men can orgasm.

heyday · 01/11/2020 06:47

If you want to get your jollies off then porn can be a quick and satisfying way to do so. Men, quite often, need visual stimulation to get turned on. He is still the same man you thought he was. He is just after a quick release button. Before online porn men used to use top shelf magazines, page 3 etc to wank over. It is understandable but sad that women feel so crap about themselves when they discover their men looking at other women sexually. If you want your relationship to work, somehow you need to try to put this to the back of your mind, its not the nicest thing to happen admittedly but it is not worth wrecking your relationship over. Perhaps it is a good time to re evaluate your relationship, find ways to make yourselves happier - as both individuals and as a couple - long term relationships are not easy and require hard work to keep going. Be kind to yourself, you are hurt I understand that. I had to deal with this will my own OH...your self esteem gets wrecked.....but try and see past these images that he has briefly viewed and look for all the good things in your relationship.

LilyLongJohn · 01/11/2020 08:59

It's all about boundaries, some people don't have issues with porn, others do, op you gave a different view to your dh, it doesn't make either if you right it wrong.

The issue I see is that your dh knew it was an issue for you, and by using it he's crossed one of your boundaries. It doesn't mean he's less attracted to you or that he's comparing, but it does mean you need to talk to him about why you don't want him using it. It's then up to you both as to how you move forward. If he continues to use it then is that relationship ending? If you saying he can't use it, will he think that's relationship ending for him. You need to communicate and talk to him.

RuffleCrow · 01/11/2020 09:45

Oh goodness heyday you've bought into every porn myth going. No, it's not ok that other human beings you've never met have to suffer so that you can "get your jollies". If you can't get sexual satisfaction without objectifying others and turning a blind eye to the massive scale of abuse in the porn industry then you have a big problem. Much as I thought page 3 was exploitative in it's own way there's simply no comparison.

TruckinRight · 01/11/2020 09:50

Well said, @RuffleCrow.

goldenharvest · 01/11/2020 10:27

I read men do get more stimulation visually, whereas women it's more about touch, but massive generalisations I know.

My ex was very into porn and I hated it too. Looking back it felt like he was just reenacting the scenes he'd watched rather than really connecting with me, the person. He was also abusive so I'm glad I dumped.

EarthSight · 01/11/2020 10:52

@ReneeRol It's really not that normal. Lots of people do do it, but lots of people don't, and that's fine.

JaffaCake70 · 01/11/2020 11:54

@RuffleCrow

Oh goodness heyday you've bought into every porn myth going. No, it's not ok that other human beings you've never met have to suffer so that you can "get your jollies". If you can't get sexual satisfaction without objectifying others and turning a blind eye to the massive scale of abuse in the porn industry then you have a big problem. Much as I thought page 3 was exploitative in it's own way there's simply no comparison.
Agreed. Pg 3 is incomparable to the exploitation within the porn industry. Lots of posters that need to do some research and get an education on this destructive, misogynistic, abusive industry before they comment.
JaffaCake70 · 01/11/2020 11:56

@goldenharvest

I read men do get more stimulation visually, whereas women it's more about touch, but massive generalisations I know.

My ex was very into porn and I hated it too. Looking back it felt like he was just reenacting the scenes he'd watched rather than really connecting with me, the person. He was also abusive so I'm glad I dumped.

I think porn can cause many men to view women as sex objects. Hence the reason for the lack of any real connection sexually in the relationships of men who become addicted to it.
DioneTheDiabolist · 01/11/2020 13:29

Trisha Goddard.🤣🤣🤣

Deathgrip · 01/11/2020 13:45

@boysonthesofa

I think you need some couples therapy. Your reaction is very extreme and you don't sound in touch with his sexuality let alone yours. He has a sex drive and inner desires! Surely you can understand that.? You might do well to explore your own sexual urges and look at your part in this.
ODFOD.

The epic gaslighting on this side of women who object to porn no longer surprises me but it’s so disturbing.

How did we get to this point where the belief is that all men watch porn and all women must accept it or wise they’re repressed and frigid?

Masturbation is normal. Porn is not a prerequisite for masturbation.

Anyone who denies that porn is damaging to lesser or greater degrees is naive or in denial.

doubleaces89 · 01/11/2020 16:36

You are entitled to your opinion, and it's clear he has overstepped a boundary. However, what's porn got to do with integrity?!

Personally I think you're overreacting, and agree with other poster that you're acting like his mother. Just give the poor bloke a break..have you ever considered that it could be you that drove him to porn with your boundaries?

Iloveme30 · 01/11/2020 17:03

@SodaPerson

Every single man watches porn.

The only ones that "don't", are the ones who haven't been caught yet.

I'm not even joking.

This
BubblyBarbara · 01/11/2020 17:20

Thinking about it, he often likes to look at himself going in and out of me - and frequently has needed to get into a position where he can see what’s going on in order to climax. I can’t help thinking it’s the porn. Or is that normal?

Hmm yeah. What are you doing? Lying there in the pitch black with your eyes shut until the sinful act is completed or something? People like to look at stuff and get into it. How is that weird

Deathgrip · 01/11/2020 17:51

@doubleaces89

You are entitled to your opinion, and it's clear he has overstepped a boundary. However, what's porn got to do with integrity?!

Personally I think you're overreacting, and agree with other poster that you're acting like his mother. Just give the poor bloke a break..have you ever considered that it could be you that drove him to porn with your boundaries?

Wow.

Thanks for proving my point so hideously.

SandMason · 01/11/2020 19:21

So so disturbing how many people think porn is fine/normal/acceptable. What are they teaching kids in sex Ed about porn these days? Just curious. The sad truth is it’ll probably be our kids’ first exposure to sex... really really frightening Sad

SandMason · 01/11/2020 19:34

Then again you’re not going to get widespread condemnation if it’s as ubiquitous as some PPs claim, as anyone whose partner uses porn has had to convince themselves that it’s not a massive and ugly red flag (perhaps it’s fine if he does his share of the housework?) It’s still covered in shame for many women though, like you don’t hear them screaming from the rooftops ‘hey, my DH regularly wanks off to images of other women!’ I think there’s still an underlying feeling that if he’s had to ‘resort’ to porn you’ve somehow failed to satisfy him (because that’s your primary function as a woman). Bleugh.

TeatimeAtCloppa · 01/11/2020 20:10

@Iloveme30 This? No, sorry...not this. My husband has his work computer, his MacBook and his router (he works in tech) in a room that is freely accessible. I use his phone, bank card, internet log ins...we have no secrets. He has not once in thirteen years of marriage looked at porn. He thinks men who do are pathetic. And the women who defend them just as much.

Don't pretend YOU know my husband better than I do.

Nomnomcheesecake · 01/11/2020 20:25

@doubleaces89

You are entitled to your opinion, and it's clear he has overstepped a boundary. However, what's porn got to do with integrity?!

Personally I think you're overreacting, and agree with other poster that you're acting like his mother. Just give the poor bloke a break..have you ever considered that it could be you that drove him to porn with your boundaries?

What’s porn got to do with integrity ??? WOW Well nothing of one is happy to support an industry with a huge record and history of using underage girls , coercion and manipulation of women , representing women as existing purely for male pleasure ... the list goes on Maybe look into some of professor Gail Dinea research on the issue and educate yourself on this stuff And if one says they use ‘amateur porn ‘ because they recognise the issues with the industry then the issue becomes how they know the videos are uploaded with the consent of ALL parties considering the huge numbers of women who are now trying to find legal recourse for revenge porn and images that were taken within the confines of a relationship and posted without their consent . Not to mention those where women have been drugged and filmed I think if one wants to claim they are an ‘ethical consumer ‘ of porn then they would need to be going a long way to ensure they aren’t supporting sites that allow this content and that they would be hard pressed to personally garantee they KNOW the background and circumstances of each video are ethical .
Nomnomcheesecake · 01/11/2020 20:26

Professor Gail Dines not dinea . There’s mountains of research along with hers btw

Iloveme30 · 01/11/2020 20:37

@IMustardMitt

We’ve been married for twenty years, and he did know how I felt about it before.

I’m not saying I’d end the marriage over it, but it’s tarnished my view of our otherwise very happy life. I don’t know why it’s made me feel the way it has, but it has. I feel shocked and tearful all the time.

It’s lessened him in my eyes as I know he would say it is exploitative and degrading to the people involved, but it’s obviously too much of a temptation for him to withstand. I think of him as a person with great integrity and that is one of the things I love about him. Now that’s diminished.

Do you think that the images people see when they watch porn aren’t anywhere in their minds when they’re with their partner? I feel like somewhere in his mind he’s re-enacting with me what he’s seen on screen.

Totally get why you feel that way but I'm almost sure this is nothing to do with you , your looks body etc . It's porn it's visual stimulation I guess try not to let it affect your self esteem. I very much doubt your dh is imagining anyone else when he's with you . Cmon now he's loved you 20 years!! If ye are otherwise happy and content this is small potatoes xxxx
JaffaCake70 · 01/11/2020 20:54

[quote TeatimeAtCloppa]@Iloveme30 This? No, sorry...not this. My husband has his work computer, his MacBook and his router (he works in tech) in a room that is freely accessible. I use his phone, bank card, internet log ins...we have no secrets. He has not once in thirteen years of marriage looked at porn. He thinks men who do are pathetic. And the women who defend them just as much.

Don't pretend YOU know my husband better than I do.[/quote]
I had a boyfriend who had a similar view on men who view porn. He always said that the thoughts in his head when he thought of us together were far more exciting than any fake thing he could view on a screen. And he definitely backed his theory up in the bedroom, he was very experimental, very adventurous, very energetic, very caring and loving.

Those PP's here who are trying to make such as us feel like we are a bunch of prudes... I'm far from it, I can assure you!!

Plus don't you get the feeling that some of them are protesting just a little bit too vehemently? Maybe trying to convince themselves that it's ok that their partners are not satisfied enough with them and have to get their rocks off by watching other women shagging.