DH using porn - feeling crushed

[IMustardMitt]

Last week I found my husband had been watching videos on Pornhub. He forgot to close the browser window, so when I opened up our shared iPad in the morning, I could see what he’d been doing.

It made me feel so ugly, dirty, debased and inadequate in every way.

I told him I knew and he was very sorry, very contrite. He immediately set up some sort of filter on our WiFi so those sorts of sites can’t be accessed. I think he really is sorry.

I just can’t explain the damage it has done. I don’t trust him any more. I don’t want to have sex with him because I think his head’s full of those images of other people.

We did have sex a couple of nights ago and I kept on wondering what he was thinking. Was he comparing me to the women in the videos. He was unable to climax, and claimed it was because he’d “shut down” so that I would definitely get there, but now I think he can’t climax without the porn images. Thinking about it, he often likes to look at himself going in and out of me - and frequently has needed to get into a position where he can see what’s going on in order to climax. I can’t help thinking it’s the porn. Or is that normal?

So whilst he denies it has any effect on the way he sees me or on our sex life, I’m now questioning everything about him.

Is there a way through this? It feels like he’s broken our marriage.

@TruckinRight

Also IME men who watch porn are shit in bed. His being unable to climax is because of his wanker's death grip and his inability to actually have sex properly without his visual props. It is NOTHING to do with you.

PREACH!!! One of my ex's was an avid porn wanker (verb) he was rubbish in bed, ALWAYS had to finish himself off, had no clue about foreplay, kissing, touching, stroking etc. It was just wham bam thank you, I'll finish myself off, Ma am!

The sight of him then furiously flogging his log would be a massive turn off for me (I just think it looks really unsexy) and that would be the end of session. I was invariably left unsatisfied and unfulfilled.

It's such a shame that it's now affecting the younger generation. I have a male friend who credits his reason for never having had a meaningful relationship with a woman (he's 36) to having been consuming hard core porn since he was 14 years old.

I have been in your situation, my disgust was down to having a very uptight mother who basically taught me that sex was dirty. So it is worth examining the reasons why you're against porn to see if they're really still valid.

I realised that as long as my sex life was still good and he wasn't using porn as a substitute then it wasn't actually a problem for me. Now we both occasionally partake in watching porn our own and things have never been better. I would only take issue if I no longer felt he was affectionate and interested in me physically. Its perfectly natural to have fantasies - can you honestly say you've never imagined kissing a film star or a romp with your favourite celebrity? Porn just takes fantasies and acts them out, but even without it we all have our moments where our imagination runs away with us. Repressing it is very unhealthy in my opinion.

i guess it's not you being hurt and humiliated so men can get their rocks off then @strawberrymilkshakemonkey

OP, dont let any poster gaslight you into thinking you're the abnormal one because you had a natural reaction to your husband, who's meant to be in an exclusive sexual relationship with you, seeking out and using for pleasure, the naked bodies of other women. It's an utterly degrading habit with a horrific and misogynistic industry to match. Just because it has relatively recently become widespread doesn't mean that it is right and we should lie down and accept it. There are many, many other things that were widely accepted by our society that were (and are) utterly wrong.

You can't move for MRAs on this thread.

No it's not harmless fantasies being acted out @MrsMigginsMate it's women and children being seriously harmed so varyingly dodgy men can have an orgasm. But you already knew that.

@SodaPerson

Every single man watches porn.

The only ones that "don't", are the ones who haven't been caught yet.

I'm not even joking.

I’m a man and don’t watch porn, I’m not against most porn I just don’t have the time and my imagination is way faster.

I think it all depends on what you are comfortable with. We are all different and some of us can tolerate things which others find intolerable.

Very early in my first marriage I discovered something about my husband that gave me the 'ick' . A sexual fantasy, but not awful. I was ashamed that I felt that way and that it shouldn't bother me but it did. I tried to fight it but we had 10 years of a very difficult, unhappy marriage as a result. In the end it imploded painfully.

It may not make sense to everyone but if it bothers you it is a problem. I am not saying leave but you have to project forward and ask yourself if you can see yourself going forward in that relationship. I don't completely regret the 10 years but I wish I could have been honest with him.

The diamond analogy - some people seek out ethical gemstones because they became aware/made the themselves aware and actually give a fuck.

Some people seek out ethical porn for the same reason.

In any case whether the porn is mainstream, exploitative, unethical or ethical ... It doesn't sound like op is ok with her life partner using porn.

And that is her perogative. There are lots of people with perhaps non mainstream views who find partners who share their values; practising/born again Christians, Vegans, Polyamorists; random selection but...

Men who truly don't watch porn are probably in minority (I have met one) it it doesn't mean there are absolutely none.

Of course there is also the option of not being in a relationship (!) if you couldn't meet one.

@RuffleCrow

You can't move for MRAs on this thread.

No it's not harmless fantasies being acted out @MrsMigginsMate it's women and children being seriously harmed so varyingly dodgy men can have an orgasm. But you already knew that.

I actually had to Google what MRA meant so I find it hilarious that I'm supposed to be one!

Erm...I think you and I may be watching very different types of porn. I see no women or CHILDREN being hurt in the videos I watch, the fact that you've found that stuff is highly disturbing and should always be avoided and reported.

And it's only dodgy men who can orgasm while watching porn? Huh, I better have a word with my clitoris then as I don't think it got the message. I know many women who use porn, both single and happily married ones. I think some people in this thread need to give their heads a wobble.

And for the other commenter who mentioned gaslighting I see no evidence of that anywhere in this thread. OP seemed to be canvassing opinion on where everyone stands with it, and lots of people came forwards with differing views but do you even understand what that term means?

Totally agree with @Joistlooking , it is entirely down to each individual's comfort levels and it isn't wrong to dislike porn as long as you can get to the bottom of WHY you dislike it and you feel those reasons are valid. I was just pointing out that in my personal experience my reasons no longer felt relevant to me so I reassessed my stance.

OP do you really feel your husband didn't realise you were against porn? Either he knew your feelings and lied to save face, or he genuinely didn't know which means you've had a long term communication issue. Both of those options perhaps require some deeper discussion between you.

@IMustardMitt

We’ve been married for twenty years, and he did know how I felt about it before.

I’m not saying I’d end the marriage over it, but it’s tarnished my view of our otherwise very happy life. I don’t know why it’s made me feel the way it has, but it has. I feel shocked and tearful all the time.

It’s lessened him in my eyes as I know he would say it is exploitative and degrading to the people involved, but it’s obviously too much of a temptation for him to withstand. I think of him as a person with great integrity and that is one of the things I love about him. Now that’s diminished.

Do you think that the images people see when they watch porn aren’t anywhere in their minds when they’re with their partner? I feel like somewhere in his mind he’s re-enacting with me what he’s seen on screen.

A crazy over reaction in my opinion.

You do know that people have imaginations as well, people think of all sorts when they're having sex whether they've seen it on screen or not! The mind is incredibly powerful.

Hi OP,

It’s totally understandable to feel the way you feel about discovering your husband watching porn. I have worked with an organisation that works alongside women who have similar experiences (not posting the name for obvious reasons) and the reaction and feelings experienced can be that of betrayal and deep mistrust, you are Absolutely not alone in your feeling here and as another PP said, don’t let others on this post gaslight you into thinking that your not legitimate.

Studies have shown that porn has a similar affect on the brain to drugs and as a result you need more and more hardcore material to get the same high- this may be why he couldn’t finish. Please hear though,
This has nothing to do with your own attractiveness and desirability and all to do with what’s going on in his brain. Difficult though, as wanting to be desired by romantic partner in human nature.

Also to all the people saying prob isn’t inherently harmful/ morally wrong. It absolutely is, there’s a huge proportion of content on porn hub that is child abuse/ rape and happens this has been documented and porn Hun have been challenged and defiant in removing illegal material. I’ve seen a couple of bbc articles about the rape of a 14 year old girl that was uploaded and that porn hub wouldn’t remove.

It also fuels the cycle of sex trafficking and has links to women being sexually assaulted.

I’m glad your husband seemed sorry though and it seems like you otherwise have a good relationship- I hope you are both able to work on rebuilding the trust

@Cat1990
I think this is what you mean, I remember reading about it: "Other reprehensible examples include 14-year-old Rose Kalemba, who was taken at knifepoint before a disturbingly graphic video of her 12-hour rape was uploaded. What’s worse is that, despite Kalemba’s desperate attempts to have it removed, the video remained on Pornhub for months."

(thefederalist.com/2020/07/27/1-5-million-sign-petition-to-shut-down-pornhub-for-child-pornography-sexual-abuse/)

Also mentioned in the article:

"According to the video, Pornhub requires no verification to determine the age or consent of those featured in the more than 6 million videos uploaded to the site per year." "The video cited at least 118 cases of child sexual abuse, each of which was confirmed by the Internet Watch Foundation."

@trashaccount yes that’s the one. Absolutely horrific, poor girl

I watch porn and I enjoy it. My partner knows I watch porn and he doesn’t care. We sometimes watch it together.

There’s plenty of content out there that you can avoid watching anything like 14 year old girls! Or children.

@Halliehallie9828 Not saying there isn't. Just giving a bit of context to posters who make out that anyone who doesn't watch porn / doesn't want porn in their relationship is personally flawed or prudish in some way.

I think you need some couples therapy. Your reaction is very extreme and you don't sound in touch with his sexuality let alone yours. He has a sex drive and inner desires! Surely you can understand that.? You might do well to explore your own sexual urges and look at your part in this.

Dealbreaker for me. If it’s something someone has done in the past I’d let them know it was a problem for me and try and make it work (this has worked for me before), but if it continued I think would leave. Different people have different boundaries, but I don’t see it as that different from going to a strip club or using web cams.

Maybe you can explain to your DH why you feel this way? It’s good to be able to talk about it.

For everyone out there that says 'there's nothing wrong with porn, I enjoy it, my partner enjoys it, no one's getting hurt', etc,
think about this
"If it wasn't for the sexually abused children of the world, there wouldn't be anyone working in the sex industry".
How do you feel now?

"Every single man watches porn.

The only ones that "don't", are the ones who haven't been caught yet.

I'm not even joking."

Oh fuck off

@bebarkered

For everyone out there that says 'there's nothing wrong with porn, I enjoy it, my partner enjoys it, no one's getting hurt', etc, think about this "If it wasn't for the sexually abused children of the world, there wouldn't be anyone working in the sex industry". How do you feel now?

Eh? Are you trying to say that every single person who is a sex worker has chosen their career because of past sexual abuse? You're saying nobody ever chooses it for any other reason?

I was going to try and reason with you but you've actually rendered me speechless with how utterly random you're being.

I just asked my OH. I would have said he didnt use it but he said he 'hadn't for a while' which means yes. I don't mind, he very clearly is attracted to me. But I will point out the exploitative nature of it.

@bebarkered the porn I watch is very much not children. Not every porn movie ever made is by trafficked children. Christ two of my favourite people I like to watch are 42 and 33!

@IMustardMitt

OP
Ignore those who are being dismissive of your feelings.

The same thing happened to me about three years ago & it’s basically damaged our sex life.

You are entitled to your feelings. What you need to do is try and prevent it from corroding your relationship.

@SodaPerson

Every single man watches porn.

The only ones that "don't", are the ones who haven't been caught yet.

I'm not even joking.

This, 100% - it’s just entertainment - you only need to raise an eyebrow if it’s seriously depraved stuff that he’s watching 🧐