A year on from affair

[Drama99]

Hi
I scroll thru Mumsnet All the time looking for threads that help me work thru my own issues. Specifically, those of u who are the victims of affairs.
I discovered my husbands affair over a year ago. We have stayed together.
No one knows. Just me, my husband, and the dirty whore (sorry, don’t know how else to to refer to her)
So I have literally had no one to speak to about this for over a year.
It is fucking exhausting.
We r still together.
My children r still happy. Which I guess Is probably my main goal. They r 14, 12 and 10.
Not sure why I’m posting.
The crap I could pour forth is almost limitless.
Might like to connect with someone else who has stayed with a cheater???
It’s a twisted complex tortuous world
So easy to just say leave.
Life is so much more complicated than that ☹️

* Does the OW Or OM not have to have a conscience or some amount of decency? *

^This. Plus, the old saying ‘it takes two to tango’ springs to mind; both APs are to blame IMO. But the betrayed partner has a tendency to blame the OW/OM, because in the majority of cases they still love their partner and try to make excuses for them. (Especially when there are children involved.)

What does strike me is that an OW is mostly judged more harshly than an OM, as it’s then the cheating wife who is vilified and called names.

Leave. My dad had an affair when I was 15 and my mum stayed. It was awful. Every one of us would have been happier if they had split up

I’m about the same timeframe in to staying after my dh had an affair and it’s bloody hard isn’t it. I’m still not sure if I’ll stick it out long term but I’ve divorced one dh and seen the impact on my eldest - I don’t want to do it again. Feel free to PM me OP if you ever fancy a chat.

And in case you feel bad about being berated for your language - I actually called the OW when I found out and called her a skanky whore. Should I have - maybe not - but I don’t feel bad for my non pc term given she’d happily entered into a particularly sordid sexual affair AT work with my dh just a couple of weeks before I had our dd (and she was very aware and felt no guilt).

My dh may have been more to blame but she’s still a terrible person

I think you can call the OW (& DH) whatever you like. I’ve called the OW all sorts of things and I’m not wrong.

Ugh! How do I get this stupid fucking thread off my notifications? The OP left ages ago, not surprisingly because it's just full of stupid FWR posters self righteously wanking about terminology.

@hereyehearye You can hide the thread.

Thank you @Mittens030869 ! I was looking for an unwatch button and beginning to get irate!

Enjoy!

I'm going to do the same myself, I think. I hope the OP is okay, it was a very unpleasant thread.

Thanks for the support, those who were supportive!

I do regret using that word. It totally derailed the thread. I didn’t mean it in that context, I was just grasping for a word that conveyed my hatred for ‘her’
Those of you who have not experienced the agony of an affair - calling her the ‘OW’ gives ‘her’ a title. A place within my marriage. A position, an importance, a relevance. She is not a woman, she is stupid little girl. Using a derogatory word is my way of minimising ‘her’. Sorry that got people’s backs up. I would gladly take it back and call her ‘bitch’ if that made everyone feel better!!!! That’s basically all I meant!!!!! I just hate her! She was one half of the team that spoiled my life! Full stop!

@Drama99 you can use any term you like as others have said. I don’t understand why the OW must never be criticised. Sure it was your husband (and mine) who betrayed his wedding vows etc but the OW is not a blameless innocent! In my case, she was supposed to be my friend. I’m not going to apologise for hating the “friend” who shagged in my bed, pretended affection for my children while secretly shagging their father. I can’t even say her name I loathe her so much. You call the OW whatever you want. God knows there’s little enough to make you feel better out there. If people are worried you about disrespecting women by name calling her. What about the horrible way she disrespected you as a woman?
Good luck to you. I’ve been through similar and it’s like having your heart torn out in public.

I agree - both parties in an affair are 100% responsible for their actions. If nothing else the impact on the children of the marriage should act as a deterrent. In my case the OW has been divorced and, according to H, her children were damaged as a result. And yet she didn’t step back...H is a selfish arsehole for what he’s done but the OW is a selfish bitch too.