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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

A year on from affair

211 replies

Drama99 · 27/10/2020 23:47

Hi
I scroll thru Mumsnet All the time looking for threads that help me work thru my own issues. Specifically, those of u who are the victims of affairs.
I discovered my husbands affair over a year ago. We have stayed together.
No one knows. Just me, my husband, and the dirty whore (sorry, don’t know how else to to refer to her)
So I have literally had no one to speak to about this for over a year.
It is fucking exhausting.
We r still together.
My children r still happy. Which I guess Is probably my main goal. They r 14, 12 and 10.
Not sure why I’m posting.
The crap I could pour forth is almost limitless.
Might like to connect with someone else who has stayed with a cheater???
It’s a twisted complex tortuous world
So easy to just say leave.
Life is so much more complicated than that ☹️

OP posts:
workshy44 · 28/10/2020 11:35

It drives me absolutely crackers when people percecute the OP for calling the OW names, when she is at her absolute lowest.

I

Stillfunny · 28/10/2020 11:49

And I think the OW should be called names. Any woman who gets involved with a married man deserves no respect at all. It is this attitude that has made it almost acceptable to be the OW. And I think they are whores too . And I thought it even before my DH had an affair.

Makes me wonder what agenda that poster had .

m0therofdragons · 28/10/2020 12:04

Op can call ow whatever she likes. I hate mnetters who feel the need to police this. Just because the ow didn’t have a legal tie, anyone who knowingly enters into a relationship with a married person is an absolute selfish low life and many other names. Op can call her whatever she likes without it diminishing what her h has done!

I really would advise telling immediate family so he has to face up to the truth and cannot rewrite the past. Do you genuinely want to be with him - who he is now not the man you originally fell for? Only you can know and decide that.

Chocolate123 · 28/10/2020 12:21

Of course she can call the OW whatever she likes and I've no time for the OW but at the end of the day he's the one who broke the marriage vows and I think while he's happily going on with life as normal with no one knowing what he's done the OP is the one struggling. I think blaming the OW is a way of coping thinking that it was her fault and not her husband. I've been there and blamed the OW but as time went on as angry as I was at the OW it was my ex husband who cheated. In my eyes both are pathetic but OP needs to decide what she wants and hopefully she'll get the support she's needs.

MMmomDD · 28/10/2020 12:30

I think women misplace their anger and helplessness using that ugly word on another woman.
That word had been created by men to put women down for centuries. Other women using it is plain wrong. Especially since
the H continues being the H, the father, etc.
And his reputation and position in the family and work place is carefully protected.

There isn’t an equivalent nasty name for the man who actually deserves it.

So - I understand OP is in a very difficult place. But just like I’d think it’s wrong if a victim of bullying became a bully themselves - I think it’s wrong to use that word to anyone in any situation. Period.

scottishlass123 · 28/10/2020 12:49

Don't listen to the posters who are so pc and say don't blame the other woman. Of course you blame and name call her and your husband as much as you like. They were both dishonest and behaved in a vile manner. What kind of woman has an affair with a married man and father, yeah one kind...... And what kind of man does that to his wife and children..... If it was acceptable for all single women and men to have affairs with married people then there would simply be no marriage or monogamy. So don't listen to those who day the ow is without fault. Because you have kept their affair a secrete, your husband and his affair partner have got off Scott free from the social disapproval of people around them concerning their affair. Whilst you are suffering in silence. It is completely unacceptable that they continue to work together as it is unbearable torture for you. Your kids may be happy but what about you? You have a right to be happy. You don't have to stay and if you do then he or the ow needs to find another job. As how do you know it is really over if they see each other everyday at work? You and your children deserve so much better and the grass has to be greener on the other side as you are living in hell right now. Fight for yourself and your kids op, he lost your love and respect long ago.

EpochTime · 28/10/2020 13:26

Agree @scottishlass123
Both affair 'partners' should be vilified for their behaviour.

EpochTime · 28/10/2020 13:37

It is often the case that the cheating spouse and their AP fail to acknowledge the betrayed spouse as being a person in his or her own right.
It is for this reason that I always think it is acceptable for the betrayed spouse to refer to the AP as 'it'. This is, of course, absolutely degrading to the AP, but I think it is justified when a person knowingly invades (or, accepts an invitation to invade) a marriage.

Drama00988 · 28/10/2020 13:39

Thanks for your replies everyone. This is helping me think it all through

Josuk · 28/10/2020 13:47

I don’t think anyone is saying OW is blameless.

But I do too detest that word that men use to denigrate women to something less then them. That word is just wrong as it has so much history of oppression in it.

OW didn’t sell herself to OP’s H for profit. He was her boss. More likely than not he span a tale of being unhappy at home. And he was in the position of authority.

OP can of course blame the OW if it’s easier for her to leave with the division to stay and cover up the affair. I don’t think it’ll work in the long term as it’s quite clear that OP is struggling.
People who have gotten through affairs and managed to rebuild the relationship - all say that it took a lot of effort and communication and repentance. That doesn’t seem to be happening, given the secrecy.

blindinglyobviouslight · 28/10/2020 13:58

@MMmomDD

I think women misplace their anger and helplessness using that ugly word on another woman. That word had been created by men to put women down for centuries. Other women using it is plain wrong. Especially since the H continues being the H, the father, etc. And his reputation and position in the family and work place is carefully protected.

There isn’t an equivalent nasty name for the man who actually deserves it.

So - I understand OP is in a very difficult place. But just like I’d think it’s wrong if a victim of bullying became a bully themselves - I think it’s wrong to use that word to anyone in any situation. Period.

Completely agree.
blindinglyobviouslight · 28/10/2020 14:01

OP, whether you leave or stay you need to build a life of your own outside of your husband. Really, a completely separate, rich life of your own that has nothing to do with him.

ohhhhhyes · 28/10/2020 14:03

It's interesting that you refer to her as 'the dirty whore' and state you don't know what else to refer to her as, but what do you refer to your husband as?

Coffeeandcocopops · 28/10/2020 14:32

I questioned the OP about using the word whore and whether her H is one too. I don’t have a hidden agenda thanks to those that think I do. I have been there too and what helped me was understanding that both the OW and my H were as bad as each other and in a way my H was worse as he made the vows to me to be loyal blah blah blah. In the OPs case he is the ow boss which is always very dangerous from a sexual harassment situation.

As others have said - whore and Cxxx are words men use against women. It is to put us in our place. It’s sad when women use it for other women but it’s all about making the H look good out if this mess I suppose.

2ndMrsdeWinter · 28/10/2020 14:35

I am almost 4 years post the start of my oh’s affair. I found out just over 2 years ago, one year after it had ended, but I’d always suspected.I decided to stay for many reasons and I’m mostly glad I did.

Rebuilding our marriage has been very, very hard work. I often have to remind myself of how far we’ve come because there are still times when the ow’s face will flash up in my mind and I remember my oh put his dick in her and I feel filled with rage.

If I ever suspected there was someone else again I would insist upon a divorce.

There has been a constant rollercoaster of emotions and we are unrecognisable now; both as a couple and as individuals. Though I wouldn’t wish the pain of a discovered it fidelity on any woman, it has made our relationship stronger and we have grown so much as people.

I wish you happiness and peace, op. No matter what you decide or how you move forward. You deserve happiness Flowers

user1481840227 · 28/10/2020 14:44

I think that calling the OW names like that delays the healing process because it's dehumanising the OW and probably prevents the wife from actually dealing properly with what her husband has done.

If the OW is a dirty whore then the husband is far far worse, and yet often the wives will still let him back in their bed.

In most cases on here it seems like the wife has a hellish life after it and is tormented by everything that happened and it destroys her self esteem and confidence. I don't think that that is any way for anyone to live.

Occasionally someone will post and say it made them stronger but those examples are few and far between.

The OP said in her OP that It’s a twisted complex tortuous world....leaving him would have been equally twisted, complex and torturous in some similar and different ways but at least she'd be out of it and moving on and could eventually be open to starting a new relationship with someone who deserved her.

scottishlass123 · 28/10/2020 15:01

Op created this thread to get support about how to cope with her husbands infidelity and some posters are up in arms about the vocabulary she chose to call the other women, she could have easily applied the same vocabulary to her husband which she probably has. I think op has been very controlled in response to her husband's affair and if she wishes to name call online and not in real life then leave her to it. This appears to be her only means of expressing herself as she has chosen to keep her husband and the ow's affair quiet. The point of this thread is not about the vocabulary op is using, she needs help from wise and experienced mumsnetters about coping with the affair. She does not need judgement from the pc police, she has enough going on so leave her alone. If you have not got anything supportive to say then don't anything at all.

chickadeedoo · 28/10/2020 15:19

I found out about my husband's affair in April this year. I had an anonymous message to top me off and then he confessed over 2 long drawn out months. The only thing I know for sure is that I want to keep the family together for the sake of the children. They are happy, and we act the same as normal in front of them. I don't want to have to make their Dad move out, and I don't want them to have to live away fro me for part of the week. I also don't want them to have to deal with step mothers/fathers/siblings unless I have to. Therefore my only choice is to stay.

We are having counselling and he is trying hard to show me he loves me and how sorry he is. He has given up a friendship that I didn't like, and now only sees his friends at our house, he no longer goes out with them. This isn't a great way to live and I hope things improve. I'm considering having an affair to level the field. This won't make me feel better, I know.

Feel free to message me if you like x

julietmanchester · 28/10/2020 16:33

Why are some posters so concerned about the OW? Is OP not allowed to dislike her and call her whatever she likes?

Why are you people so entitled to tell her how to behave towards a woman who slept with her husband and ruined her family?!!!

AV78 · 28/10/2020 16:33

What I never understand when men are caught out is why they suddenly start acting all lovey towards you and professing how sorry they are etc. Do they really want you or are they just trying to protect their position as perfect DH and Dad to their kids to the outside world. Would they have stayed if it was just the two of you and no kids?

I couldn’t deal with that bit, always wondering if they were truly sorry or just didn’t want to leave their cushy lives. I suppose if you didnt want to split up then you believe what you want and hear what you want to hear.

That wasn’t for me and I left very shortly afterwards as whatever actions he would have taken at the time (and he did lay on the tears etc) then I could never have truly believed what his true intentions were.

Ilovecheese53 · 28/10/2020 16:36

How long did the affair last OP? How did you find out about it?

Ilovecheese53 · 28/10/2020 16:39

@workshy44

It drives me absolutely crackers when people percecute the OP for calling the OW names, when she is at her absolute lowest.

I

It’s not the OW that needs to be addressed though. OP and others like it are hypocritical because they continue to sleep with their husbands knowingly.

Perhaps if they spoke to their husbands in that harsh manner they wouldn’t be so quick to have sex with another woman in the first place.

It’s her husband that made the vows.

andalone · 28/10/2020 16:51

OP. My H's affair lasted over
a year and was denied by him several times over 6 months of me suspecting. His continued reassurances, denials and lies when he could have come clean and maybe fixed things have been the tipping point.
A short affair, quickly faced up to and moved on from may have had a different ending for us. Who knows.

I completely understand the word you used for her. The sense of betrayal and humiliation is huge. She should also be feeling it as should he. Do you think they are?
I hope you can find some peace.

julietmanchester · 28/10/2020 17:27

@Ilovecheese53

Does the OW Or OM not have to have a conscience or some amount of decency?

Why does the vows matter when approaching how to feel about the 3rd party who entered the relationship. OP has her right to call her whatever she feels, if she doesn't that's ok too.

Ilovecheese53 · 28/10/2020 17:31

@julietmanchester to answer your question it’s no to some degree hence the affair.

It’s not good for OPs state of mind. This is the sad reality the other woman is no longer on the scene. OP is hurt (rightly so) but to continually slag the OW what is that going to achieve?

Personally I couldn’t do it.