A year on from affair

[Drama99]

Hi
I scroll thru Mumsnet All the time looking for threads that help me work thru my own issues. Specifically, those of u who are the victims of affairs.
I discovered my husbands affair over a year ago. We have stayed together.
No one knows. Just me, my husband, and the dirty whore (sorry, don’t know how else to to refer to her)
So I have literally had no one to speak to about this for over a year.
It is fucking exhausting.
We r still together.
My children r still happy. Which I guess Is probably my main goal. They r 14, 12 and 10.
Not sure why I’m posting.
The crap I could pour forth is almost limitless.
Might like to connect with someone else who has stayed with a cheater???
It’s a twisted complex tortuous world
So easy to just say leave.
Life is so much more complicated than that ☹️

it doesn’t only apply to OWs. I never said it only applies to OWs. It applies to women or men who allow themselves to be used for sex in exchange for material gain of any kind.

And you are happy with how widely that net can be cast, although you'll save it only for threads about OWs and use them as the only specific example. Got it.

I also didn’t realise that anyone would genuinely think that someone wouldn’t know that twat, dick and cunt can be applied to women as well as men.

You appeared not to, because your argument, such as it was, was that there were all these nasty, sexually shameful words for the men who pay for sex one way or the other, equivalent to slut or whore. There aren't, which is why you have no examples and are now scrambling around wittering about wildlife and outdated names. You truly think the insult "cock" comes from a male chicken? Or that it applies specifically to bad sexual ethics?

However, my actual point, aside from behaviour which can constitute a form of prostitution, regardless of gender, is the clear double standards applied on Mumsnet in regard to name-calling.

You'll forgive me for not realising that in all your lengthy rambling about all the shame you load on sex work, how it doesn't have to involve a clear contract but it applies to anyone who receives a financial benefit from someone they're shagging (are you REALLY SURE you've thought through how many people that could be said to cover?) and all your frantic back pedalling and self-contradiction. But as it happens, yes, there sure are double standards on name calling here: that there are a ton of words loaded with misogynistic sexual shame with no male equivalent (cunt, dick and twat are not geared to sexual behaviour or exclusively for men), and it's fine to use them against women if one is angry with one, even if it's a man who's betrayed you. That is the double standard here, and it's obviously not confined to MN, but this is a rare space for being major but female dominated, and I would hope that it would be less acceptable for that reason. Though I seem to be sadly mistaken in that.

Blimey @ShebaShimmyShake, that reply was enough wittering on for the both of us. Thankfully I was having a nice evening and was blissfully unaware that I was frantically scrambling and back pedalling.
If that’s true, then it’s amazing that such an apparently ropey argument took so many words, shouty capitals and sweeping generalisations about the content of my threads on social media, and where I choose to post them, to refute. I’ll leave you to it and I respect your viewpoint. Hey ho. (No pun intended. Perhaps on reflection ‘Ah, well’ might have been a better choice at this juncture)

OP, I apologise to you and other Mumsnetters here that your thread got temporarily derailed on a separate agenda and I am sorry for the part I played in that. I merely thought it was harsh to call out a woman despite her obvious distress, for using a word which may or may not, according to your viewpoint, have been accurately used.

I merely thought it was harsh to call out a woman despite her obvious distress, for using a word which may or may not, according to your viewpoint, have been accurately used.

And I think that baked-in misogyny, that harms us all and benefits sexually dishonest and exploitative men, needs to be recognised and discussed in the places where it is found. Which is, obviously, in sexual ethics where the biggest double standard of all has rested since year dot.

It does indeed. And how forms of baked in mysandry disguised as feminism allows sexually dishonest and exploitative women to hide behind the counter argument as innocent victims.

ShebaShimmyShake for all your posts on this thread and all the others.

We're really not progressing as a society to stop the double-standards, are we? It's incredible the mental gymnastics that some women will put themselves through to vilify the non-partner whilst keeping their cheating husbands in the home. I don't think pp understood the reference to material gain one bit.

This thread is sad but it also disgusts me that some think it perfectly acceptable to use those terms about women. No. No, it isn't. It needs to be stamped out in exactly the same way as racism is and if you use that language on this chatboard, expect to be pulled up on it.

@Thewookiemustgo

It does indeed. And how forms of baked in mysandry disguised as feminism allows sexually dishonest and exploitative women to hide behind the counter argument as innocent victims.

Now you're actually being disgusting and I don't believe a single intelligent person on this thread won't see it, whether or not they agree with me in general. Well done on keeping your agenda semi-hidden for this long. I bet it nearly killed you.

Thank you, LyingWitch. It wouldn't be acceptable to make racist remarks about an OW and it shouldn't be acceptable to weaponise horrible misogynistic terms with no male equivalent either.

I am not sexist in my use of language, if I want to say

Her husband is a whore
And the other woman is a whore, then so be it.

Why bring race into it?

No matter what race you are you are never going to stop the offending people being slated, both men and women.

Equality in slagging off !

Do you understand misogyny at all, Onthedunes? You're referring to the husband as a whore (which makes no sense) in your rush to get to calling the OW a whore, which was your objective.

The word is used against women and the use of it by women (in particular) is disgusting. It distracts from supporting somebody in pain because it is absolutely foul. You were told this on the other thread too so why keep on?

Nobody is saying that the OW/OM isn't a piece of work. No argument there. The married person is entirely to blame and however much somebody doesn't want to hear it, it's the truth and deep down they know it, it's just unpalatable - and especially in the case like the OP where they are desperate to forgive their cheating husband and carry on the marriage. Not hard to understand but it changes nothing. OP's husband could have stopped all this - should have stopped this at the pass. He chose not to; actively chose to choose fucking another woman rather than stay faithful.

I can't believe that the same tired old trope is still being spouted that if OW didn't 'go there', there would be no problem. It's the cheating husband who is the problem - he went there, chose to go there. Didn't give a fig about his marriage, his wife, his children.

Stop calling women whores, feigning equality by pointlessly referring to men as them too. Just stop it.

@Onthedunes

I am not sexist in my use of language, if I want to say

Her husband is a whore
And the other woman is a whore, then so be it.

Why bring race into it?

No matter what race you are you are never going to stop the offending people being slated, both men and women.

Equality in slagging off !

You came into a discussion about sexist misogynistic terms that shame women sexually. You shamed sex workers, you declared everyone who gets any kind of financial benefit from someone they have sex with as a type of sex worker (you realise this includes everyone whose partner earns more than they do? Guessing you really don't like SAHMs), you aimed it at OW, you had to be dragged into pretending to be egalitarian about it, you defended using misogynistic terms, you pretended there were equivalent terms for men, you back pedalled, you talked utter crap and then you tried to claim the problem was misandry, feminism and women who cry false victimhood.

It is clear to everyone who you are and why you're on this website.

@ShimmyShebaShake
Curses! Foiled again by yet another forensically constructed argument which mercilessly winkled out my true agenda. Despite my valiant internal struggles which allegedly this evening brought me close to death, (let’s not forget my frantic back pedalling episode etc from last night. Bloody exhausting. Just hope it used up a lot of calories) your second-to-none argumentative skills have dragged forth my hidden agenda from the depths of my dark soul. The cathartic relief of getting it off my chest is immense. I am forced to go practise my evil laugh and plot more secret hidden diatribe on another thread.... Murhahahahhhhaaaa etc etc. Ffs. I wish I had the bloody energy. 🙄

Sometimes face value is just that. You can play ‘spot the inference’ with posts on here all night if it floats your boat and keeps your axe grinding. I wish you joy barking up the wrong tree and asserting secret plots with my original intention for the rest of the evening.

Hope you’re OK OP and sorry if this crap has forced you to start a new thread. X

@Onthedunes, apologies (I think) as in her growing excitement and rush to slag me off, it seems that Shimmy has confused you with me. 😂

I apologise to you, @Onthedunes, because I did indeed mix you up with @Thewookiemustgo. That post still stands when directed at the right person, though, and the follow up says absolutely nothing about the issues under discussion.

@ShebaShimmyShake

I came into this discussion to help support the OP.

I have not shamed sex workers... if your infering the word whore means that, may I suggest to you that language is ever evolving and changing and there are actually many definitions of this word.
It doesn't necessarily mean paid sex, for males or females.

Just as gay doesn't just mean happy as it did over a hundred years ago.

Wife = prostitution, I don't like SAHMs. You guessed wrong.

I definitely did not aim my words just at the OW, please do not tell me what I did and what I think.

I also would like to know who I am and why I am on this website that your clearly police and monopolise.

I understand your trying to change views that are ingrained into society, but maybe this conversation with this OP should just be about that.

Her hurt, her pain, her strength, the support other women and men can give to her, and if shes wishes to rant and use language which offends you, then so be it.

Shes not on trial here, neither am I for having an opposing view.

Christ you know shes hurting stop being so pedantic about language and presuming things about people.

Sorry about that OP. Hope your ok

@Onthedunes, I mistook you for another poster. My post still stands when directed at that person, but it should not have quoted you because it was meant for someone else. I am sorry for the mistake.

However, I absolutely stand firm that it's not acceptable to use misogynistic language to weaponise misogyny in trying to intensify an insult against a

Damn, posted too soon.

However, I absolutely stand firm that it's not acceptable to use misogynistic language to weaponise misogyny in trying to intensify an insult against a woman, any more than it would be acceptable to bring racism into it. It harms women, it creates an easier environment for men to cheat, it encourages sexist narratives and having been a victim of your husband doesn't make all of that ok. The insults that we have for people being arseholes in general have to do for men, so they can do for women too.

@Onthedunes, I mistook you for another poster. My post still stands when directed at that person, but it should not have quoted you because it was meant for someone else. I am sorry for the mistake.

How absolutely weird. I really don't know what's happening here.

Well this is just weird. Sorry guys, I can't explain it. (I actually didn't think I'd hit the post button earlier, but I couldn't think of any other explanation.) Perhaps my device has a belated Halloween haunting from a ghost who really likes misogynistic insults and wants to fuck me over. I'm scared to hit post on this now...

Well this is just weird. Sorry guys, I can't explain it. (I actually didn't think I'd hit the post button earlier, but I couldn't think of any other explanation.) Perhaps my device has a belated Halloween haunting from a ghost who really likes misogynistic insults and wants to fuck me over.

Oh ffs. I'm stopping now.

No need to apologise ladies @ShebaShimmyShake I applaud your enthusiam for womens rights and ideologies on femenism but your not going to find a better forum for women supporting or loving other women than this.

Mumsnet is the very definition of sisterhood.
The views may vary but in no way are we attacking women unjustifiably.

The idea that men will do what they will do regardless of how women behave is not really the point on here.

Sisterhood means not hurting another woman, telling them off if they do, or preventing a woman from hurting another woman.

Oh and above all putting children above men.

Shall we refocus? OP is looking for advice from people who have chosen to stay with a cheater...

@ShimmyShebaShake there are gremlins about this evening, my replies have died mid-type also. Our demise is probably to the relief of other contributors. 😂😂😂

@Onthedunes well said.

@Lovestoned totally agree.

@PurrBox

For the people who, like me, have chosen to stay with a lying, cheating, but much-loved, husband and father:

It would be SO helpful to be able to talk amongst ourselves about the complex, difficult decisions we are making, without being subjected to a barrage of admonitions.

Why is it impossible for people who chose to LTB (or who have not experienced infidelity) to see that those of us who stayed with our deeply flawed husbands are not necessarily: simple minded, deluded, desperately unhappy, or blissfuly in a state of denial?

Because in most cases that is the case! I find it sad that so many women think that they aren’t worth any more. It doesn’t matter how much you or others convince yourself otherwise, things are rarely the same after infidelity. There are many things that you can get past in a relationship and nothing is ever perfect but any form of abuse or cheating are not things that you can truly recover from. There’s a better life out there that doesn’t involve staying with someone who at least at one point thought they could do better, someone who is only staying because it’s the easiest option etc. There’s absolutely no way I would take anyone seriously who said that they were 100% sure their partner wouldn’t cheat again! The constant worry and checking up is no way to live. I’m hoping that most people who are staying with cheats and trying to convince themselves that things ‘are fine now’ or even more worryingly ‘even better’ comes to their senses in time and realises they deserve better.

Baws Nowhere do I say that things are 'the same' after infidelity. Nor do I say that 'constant worry and checking' are a fine way to live.

It is simplistic and condescending to tell people whose experience is different from yours that they should: "come to their senses in time and realise they deserve better".

You simply don't understand what I am talking about, which is fine. What is not fine is when people who ask to talk about the experience of working through infidelity are bombarded with condescending, angry, sometimes even abusive comments telling them they are deluded or stupid.