Page 6 | A year on from affair

Drama99 · 2020-10-27T23:47:05+00:00

Hi I scroll thru Mumsnet All the time looking for threads that help me work thru my own issues. Specifically, those of u who are the victims of affairs. I discovered my husbands affair over a year ago. We have stayed together. No one knows. Just me, my husband, and the dirty whore (sorry, don’t know how else to to refer to her) So I have literally had no one to speak to about this for over a year. It is fucking exhausting. We r still together. My children r still happy. Which I guess Is probably my main goal. They r 14, 12 and 10. Not sure why I’m posting. The crap I could pour forth is almost limitless. Might like to connect with someone else who has stayed with a cheater??? It’s a twisted complex tortuous world So easy to just say leave. Life is so much more complicated than that ☹️

Angrymum22 · 30/10/2020 09:22

PurrBox It’s a bit like women who judge your parenting skills when they have no experience of being a parent.

notroundthebend · 30/10/2020 09:46

I could have written your post OP. Only I'm 2.5 yrs on and it's no better. I'm now thinking more like @Maze76 back in the gym, looking more like myself whilst my H (he's not a DH and never will be again) continues to grow fat and old and far to comfy. I avoid physical contact as much as possible and look forward to the day me and my children walk free from this man. I never thought he'd cheat, a hard working man travelling the world for business living a double life all along.. absolutely makes my skin crawl. My only regret is I wasn't strong enough to throw him out when I first found out. Imagine the person I'd be now! My honest advice is it never goes away and that saying of once a cheat always a cheat is very true. Trust is a precious thing, once it's broken it's over.

PicsInRed · 30/10/2020 11:00

Husbands who cheat invite divorce into their lives, and other women invite name calling. You reap what you sow and receiving a few hurtful names isn't much to bear vs the damage trashy other women do to entire families.

The husband is duly punished in his wallet, his reputation (people do quietly look very much askance at him) and usually in eventually realising he spoiled his own life. He is a piece of crap too...but so is she, and she will be named so. Trash.

Twinkie01 · 30/10/2020 15:44

Purrbox not one of my RL friends have said to LTB, it's just on here. Mind you I think people have been a little kinder lately. They give you a long talking to and then tell you that it's over, the trust is gone, they could never live like that......

It's ducking hard though!

usualreaderonly · 30/10/2020 15:44

@PurrBox @Angrymum22
Completely agree.

Drama00988 · 31/10/2020 12:28

I am drawing so much comfort from hearing from you all. Just putting some of the feelings into words really helps. Knowing that there are others who understand exactly the complex emotions involved. And the fact that some of you have said “I hope you are ok“ means so much. I think that’s what I’m missing by keeping it all secret - just someone to say oh you poor thing, that must be hard, and then agree with all the bad angry things I need to say about DH and OW!!!

Drama00988 · 31/10/2020 12:29

Also, some people have PM’d me which I really appreciate xx

Drama00988 · 31/10/2020 12:31

I feel almost jealous (in a weird way!) of those of you whose husbands continue to be horrible to them. I feel like that might make the decision to leave much easier!

Devoilmum · 31/10/2020 12:46

@Drama99 I was just thinking about you and wondering how you’re doing?

You said you found messages? Are they recent? What sort of content? Do you think they are still seeing each other?

I agree, hearing other people’s experience is so helpful and knowing that people understand. It’s a lonely place to be.

hereyehearye · 31/10/2020 14:33

@Drama00988

I used to be so close to my mum. And now I know she doesn’t know me. Because I never burden her with the agony I feel. I want her to die believing that her little girl is happy.

I say this with love: stop being a martyr. Seriously. Look, save your marriage if you think it's worth it but this isn't wuthering heights and you're not a virgin in a white floaty dress wandering about a moor.

I want my mum to die happy. I mean, pass the sick bucket. Unless she has a terminal illness and is dying imminently (and I mean imminently because she hasn't died in the last 12 months), this is pathetic. You sound about 12 years old talking about your first crush not an actual adult woman. Stop indulging yourself in dramatic flights of fancy and tell your mother.

The problem is that society tells women that martyrdom pays. Doing all the cleaning, having no boundaries, letting people walk all over you. In art and literature, Cinderella gets her reward. In real life no one respects you and you end up being humiliated endlessly. I have this image of you in a fancy robe on the fainting couch with a handful of smelling salts DETERMINEDLY DOING THE RIGHT THING FOR THE CHILDREN and no one else really caring.

Do you think not telling anyone or getting any support makes you more "good" and "noble"? I can almost imagine the tears in your eyes as you talk about wanting your mum to die happy. I'm such a good person. you must be telling yourself. I'm soooo good.

Look, I probably sound like a bitch but I'm telling you the truth. There is no karma. No divine balancing of the scales. No one will applaud you for throwing your life away. You won't get any reward. (And don't bother bringing up christianity because the only test there is being a christian. you can still be a massive cock). Women behave like there's some audience watching who care but there isn't and no one cares.

IJustWantSomeBees · 31/10/2020 15:11

@MMmomDD

I think women misplace their anger and helplessness using that ugly word on another woman. That word had been created by men to put women down for centuries. Other women using it is plain wrong. Especially since the H continues being the H, the father, etc. And his reputation and position in the family and work place is carefully protected.

There isn’t an equivalent nasty name for the man who actually deserves it.

So - I understand OP is in a very difficult place. But just like I’d think it’s wrong if a victim of bullying became a bully themselves - I think it’s wrong to use that word to anyone in any situation. Period.

This. And by talking about the OW with more bitterness than you do your H it leads me to believe that you blame her more and I don't think you can fully recover from an affair if you are not accepting that it is your H that your issues lie with. There are only two of you in your marriage, there are only two of you who can lead to its demise. And the fact that your H is the OW's boss (if I've read that right) opens all sorts of doors to sexual coercion, sexual manipulation, etc. so I can't judge her too harshly tbh, your H abused his power and that muddies everything in terms of her blame in this scenario.

IEat · 31/10/2020 15:13

It's your husband who cheated bit you take your anger out on the woman.
I wouldn't stay because it would eat me up inside knowing he'd had sex with someone else. But the blame lays at his door. He is in a relationship he should have told the woman to fuck off.

IJustWantSomeBees · 31/10/2020 15:25

@PicsInRed

Husbands who cheat invite divorce into their lives, and other women invite name calling. You reap what you sow and receiving a few hurtful names isn't much to bear vs the damage trashy other women do to entire families.

The husband is duly punished in his wallet, his reputation (people do quietly look very much askance at him) and usually in eventually realising he spoiled his own life. He is a piece of crap too...but so is she, and she will be named so. Trash.

And this is perfect proof of why it is so sad seeing other women using sexist slurs against eachother.

Men will get quiet looks of disaproval for wrecking their families, women will get given the new identity of 'trash'. Why do you 'quietly look' at cheating men but self-righteously decide that the other woman is 'tRaSH'? it sounds so sad when women who's husband's cheated on them reserve their anger for the OW, it looks like your living in a fantasy. If you have chosen to stay with your husband because of complex issues in your marriage why can't you see that a woman who has sex with a married man may also have complex issues going on in her life? Why is he allowed to be forgiven and given a second chance for shitting on your vows but she is forever trash? Because she's a woman, so she is held to a much higher standard than men and must be shamed to a much higher standard than men.

And yes, despite being self-proclaimed feminists many women do still blame women for the actions of men.

Drama00988 · 31/10/2020 17:20

Wow
Harsh hereyehearye

Excuse me for taking some time to figure out my feelings and not blow up my entire family, the course of my children’s lives, my relationships with my wider family, my husbands family, my husbands business and therefore our financial stability.....

If it was really all about me, and only me, the decision would be very simple!!! I wouldn’t be on here seeking advice or support! Yes, the ENTIRE situation is of my husbands making. But the impact is far-reaching, and I hold in my hands the power to completely change the lives of a lot of people. People I love. It’s really not all about me. This would be completely life altering for so many people.

If, by protecting the people I love, I sacrifice some of my own happiness, then that might be a price I am willing to pay. And if I sometimes feel really sad about that sacrifice, and at times need to reach out, eg to people on Mumsnet, for some help, then is that really so awful???

Maybe my previous posts have been misleading. There has been some happiness over the last year too. Some rediscovery of our love for each other. Talking more intimately and deeply than ever before. And when I’m in a good headspace I can take that at face value. And other times I simply don’t trust it and all the bad feeling creeps back in. I’ve reached out at a time when I’m struggling and particularly low.

I’m by no means draping myself in a swoon on the chaise. You make it sound like I’m enjoying this?? You have no idea.

Yes I deserve happiness. But just at any cost? I’ll never be completely happy again I don’t think. But then, is anyone? For one reason or another? My marriage is changed and tainted whether i stay or not. Would I actually be happier if I left? Or can I work thru my current situation and be just as happy? Without doing more damage? I don’t flipping know!!!!

Lovestoned · 31/10/2020 18:04

What is love really? I read these posts and MN in general and start to think it's about 80% lifestyle and 20% actual love for the other person. So many don't want to give up their family life and strike out on their own. That isn't love, that's just habit, codependency, and fear.

If you met a wonderful man that adores you and simply swapped him wherever your husband is sitting now, would you really miss your husband?? Would it no be equally as good or far better?

picosandsancerre · 31/10/2020 21:11

Lovestoned agree with you. Why would anyone want to live with a cheater. Someone who has betrayed not only his wife or partner but his kids. I know for me I couldn’t live with the feeling of mistrust and anxiety. I have a DH who has terminal cancer and it puts things sharply into perspective about life. This is it ladies, you can live jt like this or break out and perhaps enjoy a life you didn’t. Think possible. I feel sorry for the DC caught up in this mess as they are likely to repeat the cycle of the adults who think that have no idea what is going on. All you who took back your cheater can go off and PM each other about why it is your bar is set so low. For me my DD knows my father was a cheat and it was a big issue for me and for me you set your own bar and not let it be dictated by others

Twinkie01 · 01/11/2020 20:57

picosandsancerre so your husband tells you tomorrow he had a 3 month affair with his secretary before he got ill, do you walk out or do you stay and nurse him and keep it from your children?

It's not black and white by any means is it?

thebeachismyhappyplace2 · 01/11/2020 21:14

Drama - I feel for you. But can I just ask why wouldn’t you tell a couple of close friends you trust. I’ve never understood this approach. I’m going through a tricky time and making plans to leave my dh, I tell my Close friends everything and it’s my therapy. Do you know how unhealthy it is to keep stuff like this to yourself. People aren’t going to judge you.

picosandsancerre · 01/11/2020 21:59

Twinkie01 I can assure you that if my DH told me had an affair before he got ill I certainly would not be nursing him. He can take himself off to his mothers and get her to care for him. We both have zero tolerance to cheats and dying or not doesnt stop me from dumping his ass. It has been such a dreadful year or so that an admission of an affair would tip me over the edge. So yes it is black and white for me....

Onthedunes · 02/11/2020 01:23

Op I don't think @hereyehearye was being antagonising, I believe she was just trying to point out that you need RL support to help you through this horrendous pain you are going through.

You have taken on so much without any release, I totally understand everthing you could loose and how that could change everyones lives, thats what affairs do but mumsnetters are concerned about your health.

Keeping everything inside will do damage.
You deserve a RL hug.

Take care

PurrBox · 02/11/2020 07:26

Onthedunes: Hearyehearye had no reason to use such a very scornful and sneering tone. It is unnecessarily jarring and hurtful; she seems to be enjoying herself with the images she evokes.

I agree that telling a few people has been enormously helpful to me, as I try to figure out how to live my life post affair discovery. I couldn't have managed without a couple of close friends to confide in. Not one of them has been simplistic or unsupportive. They know that life is complex- a process to be worked through; there are no quick and easy answers.

Mulberry974 · 02/11/2020 08:18

The comments that go on about feminism when people are name calling the other woman aren't helpful. Of course the majority of the blame has to be with the husband who made the vows. But a woman who would have an affair with a married man isn't caring about her impact on the sisterhood. And if the wronged wife does a bit name calling online does it matter? If it helps her to deal with the hideous feelings of failure and inadequacy and rejection then that's all good.

When my ex cheated on me, the only thing that stopped me flinging bricks through their window was the fact that she had a child. That rage has to go somewhere and better a few words than nervous breakdown or violence.

Iloveme30 · 02/11/2020 08:27

This word WHORE ! Well it's caused so much debate on this thread 🙄 my take on it is if she knew he was married and committed then yes she's a whore if not then she's a victim too like you .
In my case the ow knew about me and our newborn son . The year before we had buried our first child and our new little boy was a second chance . Through our loss we became incredibly close and all seemed great . Until I caught him having an affair with someone he worked with completely out of the blue . It was gut wrenching horrific.He denied so much but in my gut I knew there was more to it . Fast forward 5 years later I actually married him but it never left me I never saw him in the same light never loved him the same . 2 years after our wedding I walked . No big reason why nothing dramatic happened we were over . He acted like the world had ended ,distraught and miserable lost about 3 stone . I was like 🙄 ya didn't feel like that when you were cheating did ya .. so it never left me .
I'm remarried now and if my dh did cheat I'd walk immediately like I wouldn't even think about it. I think it breaks something it takes something that you can't get back . The loyalty is splintered there's no fixing it imho but only you can decide if you can fully really truly forgive and really put it behind you because carrying that hurt and betrayal whilst trying to get on with life with that person is a very heavy load .xx

ShebaShimmyShake · 02/11/2020 08:31

Don't use horrible misogynistic insults to describe women, even and especially if your issue is that your husband, who betrayed his commitment to you, decided they were the ones he was going to cheat with. By calling him your husband and her an ugly sexual slur, you're shifting his blame to her and perpetuating misogyny, even if you think you're not. Men often find their cheating is made easier by the fact that the woman will be shamed more, even if the commitment is the man's.

As for the rest of it, it sounds like an absolutely wretched way to live, OP, and I don't see how you've stuck it this long. I'm not really convinced by the people saying they're looking great and keeping him happy at home just so that it will hurt ALL THE MORE when they finally do what they claim to have been planning to do for ages. Make preparations, certainly, but in the meantime he seems to be feeling pretty good and they don't sound happy at all. I wouldn't be, living with and making happy homes with someone I detested.

You are miserable, I don't blame you, and staying like this isn't going to make you happier. Can setting yourself free really be worse than living like this?

Iloveme30 · 02/11/2020 08:32